Talking About Talking About Stuff

Sometime married people get themselves into a situation that is hard to get out of.  An issue between them — how to raise the kids, how to spend the money, what to do about the future — becomes so contentious and difficult for them to talk about that they both get tired of arguing, throw up their hands,  and give up.  It’s easier in the short run — no more fighting! — but in the meantime the checkbook doesn’t get balanced, the kids don’t get any clear direction, and the future approaches anyway, whether they are prepared or not.

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How I Met Your Mother, or, A Terrible Basis for Romance, or, God’s Guiding Hand

I have recently been reading some writings from my Mormon pioneer ancestors, especially those related to my great-great-great grandmother, Sarah DeArmon Pea Rich. One of the interesting stories from her journal pertains to the budding romance between herself and her future husband, Charles Coulson Rich. In her own words:

“One of the Elders who had been several times at our house took a great deal of pains counseling me and my sister to be careful and not marry anyone that did not believe as we did, and told us the consequences that it might be the means of our not having the privilege of gathering with the Saints; and once when he called, he said to me that he had recommended me to a very fine young man that he thought would make me such a good companion, and told me his name. [Read more...]

Real polygamist housewives

So last week when Judge Walker issued his decision overturning Prop. 8, one of my friends posted as her status update, “Is polygamy next?” I didn’t know if she was being silly or sincere, but if any of you all are wondering the same thing, let me reassure you: No. Polygamy is not next. That’s just something we conservatives make up to scare people. Ha ha, that was a joke (sort of). You know how I know polygamy isn’t next? Because unlike attitudes toward homosexuals, attitudes toward polygamists haven’t improved much in the last hundred years. Most people have at least one friend or someone in their family who is gay, but not many people know any polygamists. Also, when was the last time you saw a movie or TV show character with a sassy polygamist friend? Never, that’s when. And you’re not likely to start anytime soon. (Not until someone options my screenplay, that is.) [Read more...]

On second thought, never mind

Over the weekend I wrote a post responding to the court decision to overturn Prop. 8. It was very cathartic for me. I took everything that I’d ever thought or tried to write about same-sex marriage and distilled it to its essence, which was 1,841 words–long for a blog post, but most of my blog posts are (too) long, and when you consider the tens of thousands of words I had to work with, I’d call it a pretty awesome distillation. Of course, you will just have to take my word for it because once I had finished writing, I knew that I wouldn’t publish it. [Read more...]

Harvey Unga

July has been a busy, but good, time for former BYU footbal standout Harvey Unga. On July 4th his first child was born. He is getting married today (the 16th) to Keilani Moeak. And yesterday he was selected by the Chicago Bears in the seventh round of the NFL supplemental draft. [Read more...]

A Chieko Okazaki Sharing Time Lesson


Continuing with the theme of how awesome I am at my callings, I thought I would share one of the more successful Sharing Time lessons I’ve done in my current calling in the Primary presidency.

The theme for Sharing Time was “Family members have important responsibilities” (last year’s program). I was to do a week on mommies’ responsibilities, a week on daddies’ responsibilities, and a week on kids’ responsibilities to the family. Sis. Okazaki gave a great talk about the Japanese word kigatsuku, which means being aware of one’s surroundings and doing good without being asked, which fits perfectly with kids’ responsibilities in the family.
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Marriage Fine?

Here’s an “outside the box” concept for you. Let me know whether you think we should implement something like this in the modern Church:

“The Lord commanded the first man to take a wife, and the commandment is applicable to every other man, therefore those who do not obey it are living in persistent opposition to the will of heaven. It was suggested at one of our Conferences, that all the unmarried young men over a certain age should pay $200 annually to the P.E. Fund till married. Those young men who are liable to this fine are reminded that the fund needs replenishing, and he would advise those young ladies who are still single through the dereliction of such young men, to stir them up and help collect the fines.” [1]

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Bishop Desmond Tutu and Moral Authority

Westminster Abbey: If you had only an hour to take in London, that’d probably be the place to go. Kings and queens, explorers and philosophers, artists and soldiers are buried there, their effigies made to resemble them as they were in life. Effigies of Mary Queen of Scotts, and Elizabeth I, who ordered Mary’s execution, lie in close proximity with this shared epitaph: “Consorts both in Throne and Grave, here we rest two sisters, Elizabeth and Mary, in hope of our resurrection.”

In another section, along a wall far beneath Gothic arches, is the tomb of William Wilberforce. His epitaph says: “His name will ever be specifically identified with those exertions which removed from England the guilt of the African slave trade and prepared the way for the abolition of slavery.” [Read more...]

Thursday Morning Quickie #11

[Note: The following text was taken verbatim from the "M Men-Gleaner Manual, Love, Marriage, and You" used in 1956-1957. Previous entries in this series can be found here.]

Lesson 20

Preparing for Children

This lesson is to be taught separately to M Men and Gleaners

JACK AND MARY “fell in love” during a period of two and a half years of dating and courtship. They wanted to marry and both wanted children. She was twenty-one and he was twenty-five. How could they get married and have a family and still allow Jack to finish his professional schooling? [Read more...]

Big Finale: Sunshine is the Best Disinfectant

This post will discuss the season 4 finale of Big Love, HBO’s series following the lives of a polygamous family in Salt Lake City.  Enter the spoiler zone at your own risk… [Read more...]

Thursday Morning Quickie #4

[Note: The following text was taken verbatim from the "M Men-Gleaner Manual, Love, Marriage, and You" used in 1956-1957. Previous entries in this series can be found here.]

Lesson 22

Loving Your Children

Mother Smith had been told all her life that she should love children. By the time she had been married four years she had two of her own, Roy, age three, and Marily, age one. Her idea of loving these children was to give them everything she could. At Christmas time, for example, she showered each with a stack of presents about “three feet high.” No matter what the children did around the house, Mother Smith never disciplined them. Also, she spent a good part of her time away from the home, leaving the children to be cared for by a maid.

Quickie Questions

1. Was Mother Smith really loving her children?
2. What do you do when you love a child?

________________________

Thursday Morning Quickie #4

Thursday Morning Quickie #3

[Note: The following text was taken verbatim from the "M Men-Gleaner Manual, Love, Marriage, and You" used in 1956-1957. Previous entries in this series can be found here.]

Lesson 8

Age for Marriage

A few years ago in a southern city in the United States a young man, age twenty-one, was hired to be a “baby sitter” for a family which lived in the neighborhood. The “baby” in this particular situation happened to be a charming young girl, age thirteen. The fellow took his school books along to study. He enjoyed being paid for taking care of this young girl and the parents hired him on several occasions. It so happened that the fellow and the girl became enamoured of each other and decided to get married. They were afraid to tell her parents so they ran away and were married secretly. How long did the marriage last? Only a few weeks, as the girl finally told her parents and pleaded with them to have the marriage annulled, which they did.

Quickie Questions

1. What were some of the reasons why this marriage had very little chance of success?
2. What do you think is the best age for marriage?

________________________

Thursday Morning Quickie #3

Thursday Morning Quickie #2

[Note: The following text was taken verbatim from the "M Men-Gleaner Manual, Love, Marriage, and You" used in 1956-1957. Previous entries in this series can be found here.]

Lesson 4

Marriageable Personalities

A few years ago two girls–we shall call them Mary and Sue–attended the same college in the East. Mary was a beautiful girl with long dark hair, blue eyes and with an attractive figure. She was neat, clean and had a pleasing voice. However, she was not popular with the boys. In fact, she felt inferior to most of her girl and boy friends. Sue was very short in stature, not pretty, but was liked by nearly all. She had a slightly blemished complexion and her hair was coarse and straight. Yet she was constantly being asked for dates by boys. Both of these girls belonged to the Latter-day Saint Church and were living the gospel.

Quickie Questions

1. What are some of the possible reasons why Sue was popular with the boys and Mary was not?
2. Is physical attraction the main attribute sought after in dates?

________________________

Thursday Morning Quickie #2

You Make The Call: Marriage Counseling

You just moved into this branch 3 months ago and last Sunday they made you the branch president. During the week  sister X(*), a woman in the branch whom you barely know, made an appointment with you and shared some sad, shocking news: her husband has been unfaithful to her and broken his marriage vows. She offers as evidence the fact that she observed him entering a “house of ill repute” (her words) twice during the past week. She even has the dates and times written down.

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2010 or 2012?

Yesterday, the largest organization involved in 2008′s failed campaign to defeat Proposition 8 in California announced that it would be waiting until 2012 to make another attempt at legalizing gay marriage. While some other groups, such as Courage Campaign, have indicated that they will continue to push for a ballot measure in 2010, this decision by Equality California, which was based at least in part on feedback from many of the largest donors/contributors to the No on 8 campaign, could determine what actually happens, and for the purposes of this post, I assume that it does. Because I live in California, I personally am grateful for the possibility of not seeing this fight again next year. However, there are implications of this delay for everyone with a stake in this issue, politicians included.
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God Only Knows: A Conversation with the Creators of Big Love

MikeInWeHo is an old friend of BCC.

Last Sunday at the Directors Guild of America in Los Angeles a panel convened to discuss the HBO series Big Love. Sponsored by Outfest, the event promised an inside look at how a drama about polygamy made its way to television. [Read more...]

Is There a Trade-Off Between Rights for Women and Acceptance of Homosexuality?

BYU political scientist Valerie Hudson recently published a now much-discussed LDS feminist argument against same-sex marriage.  The central thrust of her argument is that there is a trade-off between gender equality and acceptance of homosexuality, and that Mormons should favor gender equality by opposing same-sex marriage and acquiescence toward homosexuality more generally.  The normative part of this argument depends on the empirical claim: that there is indeed a trade-off.  Can this assertion survive empirical scrutiny?  If not, Hudson’s entire essay basically fails. [Read more...]

Same-Sex Marriage Debates in 2009 and Beyond

This is not a post about whether we should have same-sex marriage.  Rather, it is an exploration of the ways that strategic options for same-sex marriage proponents and advocates of traditional restrictions on marriage are evolving.  What kinds of arguments are likely to be meaningful to persuadable people? [Read more...]

In Defense of Passive Aggression

David Heap’s temporary BCC reign of terror continues.

But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father?

(Matthew 21:28-30)

I first learned of passive aggression from K-Lynn Paul’s article in Dialogue, “Passive Aggression and the Believer.” K-Lynn Paul’s article is excellent and, I daresay, timeless. I commend his piece to you. I do not think a lot has changed since then. [Read more...]

Big Love: Res Publica

Here’s another post from the Dialogue editorial board. Many of you know Matthew Bowman from Juvenile Instructor. He is a graduate student in History at Georgetown, and is a member-at-large of the editorial board because he knows about everything. Also, he’s a very good sport about playing Monkey in the Middle with small, unruly children, even in freezing weather. This is his thoughtful take on the Big Love debacle.

Big Love: Res Publica

Last week, for probably the first time in history, TV Guide broke controversial news. And this week, it came to pass; Big Love showed a portion of the LDS temple ceremony; specifically, a fraction of a prayer circle and a portion – probably the most sensitive portion – of the veil ceremony. The consequent and rather predictable Mormon uproar has taken the form of a rally to protect the temple; tiresome email petitions and facebook groups and YouTube videos abound. But what, beneath the surface, is this debate really about? Big Love is a complicated show, and deserves an interpretation that scratches below the surface. [Read more...]

Liveblogging Big Love

I’m watching the episode now. The bishop and SP just came to visit Barb at home. They mentioned that she and Bill haven’t paid tithing for seven years. She says yes, they’re “inactive now,” they went through a bad time, and she was very sick. So the bishop just comes right out and asks if she’s living in a polygamous relationship. She’s shocked by the question, but after a pause acknowledges that she is. She explains that Bill got a testimony of it. She didn’t at first, but she thinks she does now. They informed her that they were there to determine whether they needed to take action regarding her membership.

I’ll post this now and then in the comments describe the further developments as the episode unfolds.
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The fallacy of appealing to intellectualism

We hear repeatedly throughout our educations that appeals to emotion are forms of argumentative fallacy.  In many cases, they are exactly such, and the interjection of emotion obscures the underlining problem and makes it difficult to resolve productively.  However, in other cases appeals to emotion operate as (the only) viable forms of evidence.  In these cases, the interjection of emotion into an argument should not be seen as a fallacy, but as evidence needed initially to push a conversation forward.  Of course, we are familiar with the risks that come when we voice emotion, and, as a strategy, we should strongly consider looking for non-emotional forms of evidence in order to avoid these problems.  But in this post I’m not interested in the good reasons to avoid emotion.  Those are discussed enough.  I’m concerned with the often-overlooked phenomenon that occurs when emotion used as evidence is dismissed by the fallacy of appealing to intellectual tones or modes of argument. [Read more...]

Big Love 3.6

I’m watching the latest episode of Big Love, and boy is there a lot of Mormony stuff in this one. [Read more...]

Are conversations about feminism and heterosexual marriage now harder to have?

Last fall, I began to write a post addressing an aspect of the publicity surrounding Prop 8 that did not garner much attention on the bloggernacle but seemed critical to me: what does the recent focus on same-sex marriage mean for the future of Mormon feminism and Mormon heterosexual couples?  At the time, I pulled this post from publication in order to prevent unwelcome controversy from entering the BCC site.  But now that the immediate impact of Prop 8 is over, I think it is time to ask how the goals of Mormon homosexuals and married Mormon feminists might support or conflict with each other.  This post is not intended to pass a value judgment on any camp, and it certainly doesn’t presume to understand the complexity of desires amongst Mormon homosexuals and women, but it does seek to open a discussion. [Read more...]

Richard J. Neuhaus, RIP

Richard Neuhaus, the founder of First Things magazine, a Lutheran pastor-turned-Catholic priest, a writer, thinker, and provocateur of extraordinary range, chief ideologist of the theoconservative movement in America, one of the primary architects of the Catholic-Evangelical rapprochement which has given conceptual shape and electoral strength to the Christian right (and, by extension, has provided the basic intellectual architecture of almost every public political move which institutional Mormonism has made in regards to homosexuality and same-sex marriage over the past fifteen years), passed away early yesterday morning after a long battle with cancer. He was 72.

My own (warning: lengthy) ruminations on his theoretical, philosophical, and moral legacy and mistakes, as well as his powerful witness of Christ, can be found here. Below the fold, a few BYU and Mormon-centric thoughts. [Read more...]

James Dobson is my homeboy

Between the Republican primary and Proposition 8, 2008 afforded us a lot of opportunities to ponder the wisdom of us Mormon folk joining forces with conservative evangelical Christians. “Broad faith coalitions” are all well and good, but do we really want to be getting in bed (so to speak) with people who think we’re going to hell? Shouldn’t that give us just a teensy bit of pause? [Read more...]

Prop 8 Redux: Afterthoughts

Without touching on any of the merits of one or the other side of the same-sex marriage/marriage equality debate, I’d like to suggest a possible answer to the following question: How can Mormons who feel that the Church is wrong about the threat gay marriage poses to families reconcile their doubts on this particular question with their faith in the restored gospel, and in the identity of Church leaders as prophets, seers, and revelators? [Read more...]

Civil unions

In response to the accusation that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints opposed “gay rights,” the church’s online “Newsroom” made the following statement: [Read more...]

Answers

Short(ish), possibly accurate answers to some legal questions about Prop 8.

Q1. What happens to the 18,000 same-sex couples who married in the interim?

A. Nobody knows. [Read more...]

Excavating a Sense of Pride over Certain Aspects of the Prop. 8 Win

You all know me and know that I did not favor Proposition 8. I was sorely disappointed when it passed, although my sense of disappointment was tempered by an Obama win–very exciting, particularly here in Chicago! And the fact that it took awhile for the result on 8 to be called gave me an opportunity to get used to the idea of it passing. Also, I thought of Derrick Rose, the NBA no. 1 draft pick of the Chicago Bulls. He has won at every level, but now he is going to have to get used to losing much more than he has experienced in his life. But, as the veterans have taught him, in the NBA the next game comes so quickly that there’s no time to obsess over the losses; you’ve got to keep focused on the next contest. I don’t doubt that this is just one step along the way in a process, and eventually when the culture catches up there will be gay marriage, in California at least. [Read more...]

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