Fear and Loathing in Seattle

I feel as close to Hunter S. Thompson as a mormon can feel, following a romp in Seattle with J. Stapley and Aaron Brown.  Lean closer, that I may tell you the scandalous tale of debauchery and madness.

Seattle is becoming a Bloggernacle hub: J., Aaron, and countless others now haunt the region.  So it is only fitting that a General Bloggernacle Authority such as myself visit the mission field to see that the seeds of discontent and apostasy are being properly sown.  I’m happy to report that all is proceeding according to plan.

J. and I got together Saturday for lunch in Seattle’s "International District" (apparently Chinatown is too un-P.C. — there’s more than just Chinese people there!).  Szechuan food is always good; eating it for a first-time bloggernacle get-together is even better.  J. is leaner and meaner than I anticipated; he’s a skinny guy with close-cropped hair.  Apparently, he only shaves twice a week, and I caught him on the tail end of a beard cycle… the BYU Testing Center would have kicked his 5 o’clock shadowy butt to the curb.  Anyway, J.S. is a broody sort, most likely a remnant of a mission in Belgium.  He and I ate some good spicy Chinese food and talked shop, which means that we talked smack about all of you and shared awful gossip.  Unfortunately, he had little gossip of his own to provide. 

After eating for awhile, we noticed an ad across the parking lot for a Free Massage.  Considering that a free massage would probably make for a better memory than mere Chinese food, we sauntered over and insisted on our free massage.  Oh, how we came to regret that decision.  Rather than the delicate hands of some International District maiden, the free massage was in the form of a robotic acupressure bed manufactured by the Sammi Corporation.  You are strapped down onto the mechanical bed, which radiates heat as revolving lumps knead and poke at you.  This is an unbearably painful process, but you are not supposed to speak, as "unnecessary talk lessens the healthful effect" (or so the sign said).  J. and I looked over at each other with expressions of anguish several times.  After about half an hour on the rack my chi felt fully unleashed, as well as my pelvis.  J. and I hobbled away (although I first tried their pulse electric acupuncture foot treatment, which is basically awful shock treatments via the feet).  Ahh, the joy of oriental massage.  No happy ending, either.

It took a full day to recover from lunch with J., and so I felt ill-prepared for the next day, which I would spend with Aaron Brown.  Aaron and I got some brunch to start a day of tooling around Seattle.  We decided to go ward-hopping, posing as a couple looking for a place to live.  Awkward glances abounded as we introduced ourselves in Priesthood: "I’m Aaron, this is Steve, we’re looking at wards today…"  Awesome.  I wanted to really pull something off, but I learned something about Aaron Brown that day: he is full of talk, but no action. 

Anyhow, we drove around town, snarking about people in the Bloggernacle (for a luminary, AB really didn’t have much juicy gossip :)), and having a blast.  We’ve discussed new features and articles to appear shortly, and had a great time.  We ate at the Cheescake Factory, FYI, where I learned that appetizers can in fact be a meal unto themselves, and that AB likes pronounced flavors (but not Chinese food).

I returned to New York, reeling at the experiences of the weekend, and realizing that I now have probably met more Bloggernacle people than anyone.  Any questions?


  1. I believe the exact quote was:

    “Do not incoherent talks for better effects.”

  2. That’s right, “incoherent talks.”

    BTW, I don’t recommend searching for the mechanical bed using the terms “Sammi hot massage bed”.

  3. So how should we search for it then?

  4. rJ, I guess “acupressure medical bed” works OK, but there’s honestly not a lot out there… sorry!

  5. If you guys were bloggernacle gossiping, I want to hear it…unless of course you were gossiping about me, then you must cease and desist immediately!

  6. I was joking. I have no desire to search for it. The links you provided for the HAPPY-LIFE JE-7000 were more than enough.

  7. So, who was feared and who was loathed?

  8. Bryce, I think the fear was with regards to the massage-bot. The loathing was towards the Cheesecake Factory.

    Karen, oh man did we gossip about you, you little minx! The tales that were told… mwa hah hah. Awesome. I now also realize that Aaron is a master storyteller, but a terrible, awful procrastinator. If he ever gets off his tail to post we should enjoy ourselves immensely.

  9. Aaron Brown says:

    First off, Steve makes our gay-couple-in-priesthood outing appear more scandalous than it really was. Alas, that’s mainly my fault; I had suggested we introduce ourselves as “Blaine” and “Antoine,” which by itself would have spoken volumes, but in the end, I lost my nerve and used our real names. An opportunity wasted, to be sure.

    It’s true that I am not “in the loop” with respect to most Bloggernacle gossip, and I resent that very much. But it really isn’t my fault. I can’t help it that when all you East Coasters get together for your lovefests in D.C. or N.Y., you don’t send me special engraved invitations. It came as quite a shock to learn that there have been multiple Bloggernacle fests that I didn’t know about. I’m very hurt.

    The solution, it seems to me, is for more of you to move to Seattle, so that we can balance out the high quantity (but low quality) of the participation emanating from east of the Mississippi.

    And yes, Steve and I talked about EVERYBODY.

    Aaron B

  10. AB, we just couldn’t agree on who had to be Antoine.

    And check your email.

  11. The Cheese Cake Factory? A chain restaurant? How could I have misjudged character so grievously.

  12. I’m taking chain restaurant guff from the dude that drives a Honda SUV???

  13. FWIW, I may be going out to Seattle in July for a three day conference. Perhaps a bloggersnacker could come to fruition. I will not find out for sure until later this month however.

  14. So let it be done.

  15. I’m rolling in to Seattle in July too. Maybe we’ll get lucky and it will be the same week Kim is in town.

  16. Geoff: So you’re hoping you and Kim will “get lucky” in the home of Blaine and Antoine?!?!

    Just trying to start some gossip here ;-)

  17. I’m going to Paris on the 22nd. Any bloggernacle folks out there?

  18. Geoff, if I go, it will be the 18th-20th.

  19. Aaron Brown says:

    I’m all for having a grunge-themed Bloggernacle fiesta in Seattle whenever a critical mass of folks is in town.

    Aaron B

  20. Bob Caswell says:


    How much more money at a cushy law / blog-all-day job do you need to make to quit taking “free massage” signs seriously? :-)

  21. It seemed like a good idea at the time….

    my pelvis is still sore.

  22. Next time, try Mae Phim on 1st and Columbia. Great hole-in-the-wall cheap Thai food. Get it to go and eat it here.

%d bloggers like this: