That’s what I wish it said. I’m all in favor of joy–but right now, the most joyful sight I could think of would be the back of my own eyelids. I’m tired. I’m achy-joint, scratchy eye-lid, fuzzy-brain chronically tired. Some nights I’m too tired to sleep, and I wake up every hour looking at the clock. Every day I wake up to my annoyingly loud alarm buzzing (the only effective setting I’m sorry to say) wondering if I’m going to make it. Somethin’s gotta change…but nothin’s gonna change. This is my life until the first week of June. Come on June….
For those readers who have missed my extraordinarily self-centered posts of late, let me catch you up on me. I started teaching early morning Seminary three weeks ago. I started graduate school four weeks ago. I started a very fulfilling but manic-crazy job six weeks ago. My shortest days are 13-14 hours of breakneck busyness door to door, and my longest are 16-17 hours. I’m doing a lot of things, but let’s just say I’m not "going the extra mile" in any one of my endeavors. I love everything I’m doing, and I’m nowhere near wanting to give any of it up–but I’m behind in school, I’m tired at work, and have to leave early twice a week to get to class. And then there’s Seminary.
I will say, I’ve been prepared and present for Seminary every day. Every day those kids get a well crafted lesson, and they get my most energetic self. I’m bouncy, I’m excited. I’m funny. I keep the lessons moving. We’re on task, and we’re on target to finish on time. But I’m worried that the kids aren’t feeling the spirit, because I’m not feeling the spirit. I’m going on adrenaline, and I feel like I’m too tired to calm down enough to feel the peace I need to feel the spirit. I try to create a classroom environment and present spiritually based lessons that will allow them to feel it, but I can’t tell.
Now, here’s the thing. I’m doing the best I can. I’m not one of those run yourself into the ground trying to be perfect and keep up appearances kind of Mormon. I don’t know what else I could do, and frankly if I did, I’m not sure I’d be willing to do it. I really think that somehow God will make up for my lack–my lack of energy and ability. I hope he will–someone has to. These kids deserve an introduction to the Book of Mormon that is full of wonder and full of joy. I want them to inhale it and love it and be buoyed up by it and find hope and peace and security in it. I want them to feel all the things that I do about the gospel and about the scriptures. They need to start their lives with that kind of foundation. They need to discover God at the same time that they discover themselves–at the beginning of this eternal partnership that we all embark on.
So, I guess I can just say that I have faith. I have faith that I’ll feel the spirit again, because I know that our spirituality is cyclical, and I’ve bounced back before. Maybe I’m just learning the adult version of the lesson I want them to get from one of our "superstar" scriptures: you must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ and endure to the end….or at least until June.