April Fools – Brokeback Mount Doom

Merry and Pippin sit under a tree in the Shire smoking the longbottom leaf. Sam has just married Rosie.

Merry: Did I ever tell you about my second cousin Rapscalion Brandybuck?


Pippin: Old Rap? I’ve heard of him.

Merry: You may think you have, Pip, but there’s something else. You know, he… he was a bit different to the other hobbits.

Pippin: Yeah. He was a little strange. Never got married did he? Just lived alone at Big End. A well-decorated hole, if I ever saw one!

Merry: No, Pip. He…well, he didn’t like the…he didn’t like the longbottom leaf, you know. [Puffs smoke.] He preferred to smoke… He smoked, you know, he smoked something else, Pip, something that he wasn’t s’posed to smoke…

Pippin: Oh. What’s that?

Merry: Well, it was the…it was the dandylion. Yep, old Rap smoked the dandylion, Pip, and, well, the Brandybucks hated him for it. Hobbits don’t smoke the dandylion, Pip, they smoke the longbottom leaf. And they get married, and they have children, and…. nothing. [sobs quietly]

Pippin [gazing at Merry, curious.]: Well, what is it, Merry? You can tell me!

Merry: Some of _us_ wish we could smoke the dandylion, Pip. Real bad.

[Pippin looks quizzical.]

Pippin: I…I don’t get it, Merry. Do you want to….?

[Merry turns to face Pippin. There are tears in his eyes.]

Merry: You don’t get it, do you? I’m gonna tell you this one time, Pip, and I’m not messing with you. These things could get me banished from the Shire. I mean it.

Pippin: Merry?

Merry: [Sobbing.] Oh Pippin! I don’t want the longbottom leaf, Pip. I want…I want you, you fool of a Took! We could have….we could have a good life together! A hole of our own, Love. But you don’t want it, Pip. I just know it. You want to be like Sam. You want the longbottom leaf, Pip, and I can’t stand it. Oh, I wish I could have gone to Mount Doom, with no Eagles to rescue me. You’re all I’ve got, Pip! I hope you know that, even if you don’t know the rest. You count the times we have been together and you’ve never…you’ve never looked at me the way I look at you. You have no idea how bad it gets! You are too much for me Pip, you sonofanorcson goblin! I wish I knew how to quit you.

Pippin: [Shocked.] Well, why don’t you? Why don’t you just let me be? I don’t love you, Merry. Well, I do, but not like that, not… I like…I like the longbottom leaf, Merry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But we’ll have Carahdras.

Merry cries. Pippin stands and slowly walks away, towards the Prancing Pony. The greenery of the Shire begins to fade.


  1. Best April fools site to ever hit the bloggernacle by far.

  2. Steve Evans says:

    Mat, you weren’t there. The stories here are REAL. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. In the case of this post, it was two other gay hobbits.

  3. The whole (admittedly small) book didn’t have this much drama. There was never the “I want you, I love you” to halfway explain deep emotions of love.

    And if they’d never had sex that way before, how did they know that was the way you did it? Never explained.

    Also, well, the whole thing lacked context. I still don’t understand.

  4. I fancy you, anne.

  5. Eric Russell says:

    And if they’d never had sex that way before, how did they know that was the way you did it? Never explained.

    Good point, annegb, good point.