April Fools – Gandalf to Fans: I AM NOT DUMBLEDORE!

Perhaps I’ve been unclear, folks. A beard, a funny hat, the ability to communicate with magical March_2006_Gandalfcreatures — fair enough. I should have seen this coming. So, let me then just clarify, for the fans, for the kids. I AM NOT DUMBLEDORE, LOSERS!

I’ll lay it down for you. I’m no Man. I am an angel sent by Manwë, Ruler of Arda, to counsel and aid you all against the forces of darkness. I’m no stupid headmaster!

Do I save the entire world from evil, get promoted to the highest possible rank attainable for a Maiar of the Istari, and then go to live forever with the Elves in Valinor? Or do I run a low-budget, dippy magic school for kids, where the magicians act like clowns, where ghosts pop out of the floor, and the mail is delivered by owls (who probably drop not only the mail, but a pile of crap each)? Oh, and I don’t get to carry my sword. All I get is this dainty little wand that I wave around, muttering chants to myself. Note to Dumbledore fanboys: wands are GAY. Try a STAFF on for size, if you ever graduate from watching Nickelodeon in your nappies.

You idiots insult me. I have a sword that can cleave through troll hide with a mere flick of the wrist; hands that release light brilliant enough to drive off Nazguls; staves that break stone and block arrows and throwing hatchets; power to heat the very blade of a sword to its point of melting; magic and incantations that can drive back Balrogs and lock doors; a great blast of magic that not only sets alight wolves, but pine cones; and, lest you forget, am the wielder of one of the greatest rings of power.

Plus, I ride the greatest horse alive. (Have I forgotten anything? Oh yeah, I’m an immortal spirit.)

Dumbledore has a beard way too long – he would get that thing caught on everything. He can’t even keep trolls out of his own basement, or Dark Lords out of his instructors’ heads. He doesn’t even carry a sword or staff, does he? March_2006_dumbledoreHe has a dorky hat compared to mine, and doesn’t even own a horse, let alone know how to ride one. He lives next door to an evil forest, and has a guard dog that goes to sleep to any kind of music (kind of a weakness, if you ask me). Oh, and he is _not_ an immortal spirit. Who died after drinking some lousy potion? Hint: NOT ME.

Has Dumbledore slain a Balrog of the First Age on the windy peak of Zirakzigil? No! Perhaps you think I should run some candy shop at Diagon Alley? Idiots!!

For the last time, let’s get this straight. Who else am I not?

–Merlin. March_2006_merlin
–Moses. March_2006_moses
–Neither of the guitar players from ZZ Top. March_2006_zztop
–Jasper Beardly. March_2006_jasper2
–Rasputin. March_2006_391px-Rasputin
None of them are resurrected Maia of Manwë and Varda, you losers!

Thanks for listening. Return to Hogfarts anytime you want — I think I shall away to the Tower of Orthanc and contemplate the destruction of Santa Claus.


  1. meemswyn says:

    Yeah, yeah. All I know is that I’ve never seen the two of you in the same place at the same time. ‘Nuff said.

  2. Nanny Ogg says:

    Gandalf, just remember the old saying: a wizard’s staff has a knob on the end

  3. My big problem was mixing up Gandalf with Magneto.

  4. Elisabeth says:

    Nanny – I’m a bit confused here. Gandalf isn’t a wizard?

    Immortal spirit, Maia of Manwë, etc., etc. aren’t mutually exclusive to wizardness – are they? I thought Gandalf was a wizard plus all this other stuff, whereas Dumbledore was only a wizard (and, of course, the principal of Hogwarts).

  5. Nanny Ogg says:

    Elisabeth, you’re being much too prim and proper. Me, I’m just an old country grandmother who gave birth to fifteen children, had three husbands, and generally fancies the gentlemen. When I sees me an immortal Maia of the Wee Men or what have you, I always thinks about the size of his staff and the knob on the end, if you know what I mean. (Gandalf, if you’re reading, kiss-kiss!)

  6. Seth R. says:

    He also moonlighted as a slightly unhinged fire-and-brimstone evangelical in Cold Comfort Farm.

    “But I tell ye this! There’ll BE NO BUTTER IN HELL!”

  7. Very funny post. But you skirt the primary issue: Batman could kick Gandalf’s ass.