April Fools – Our Converssssion Storiesess

April_2006_thumb-gollumDirty, nasty elderses they comes to our pond in their white shirtses. They wants it…my precious…they needs it. They asks us to listen to its messages. gollum!

But we likes them. They likes us. They eats our fishheadsess. We asks them riddles. The elderses are my friends.

You don’t have any friends! gollum! gollum! They only wants to baptize us, sneaky, rotten, Mormonsesss, with their ties and backpackses and awful smelly name tagesesss. Wicked! Tricksy! False!


But I reads it, the Book of the Mormonsesss. I prays like they ask me to. We receives its answer!

Filthy Elder Gamgee. Thief. Mur-der-er! We hates it! gollum! gollum! We ought to wring its little neck. Stupid, fat, Elder.

Elder wouldn’t hurt us! They ask it if we follow the example of Jesus and baptize us in the waterses. We wants to…yes, YES…my precious!


Curse THEM! We hates THEM! gollum! gollum! Elderses betrays us! They wriggle raw like fisheses, but we squeezes them tight, underneath the water we holds them! Sweet and juicy Mormonses, gollum. Now we lives only with our one true Precious…yes, we loves it…our only, only one True Precious!!!


  1. Awesome!

  2. meemswyn says:

    Now, now, Gollum. Take it easy. Have you been talking to N. Flanders again? ;-)

  3. No doubt, elder Monson saw this post before giving his talk on the Tongan Makafeki(sp?). Fish, and something shiny in the water.

  4. Seth R. says:


    Another “golden investigator” who turned out to be merely mentally unhinged.

  5. Is it just me, or do these pictures of Gollum bear a passing resemblance to Timothy Treadwell?

  6. Adam Greenwood says:


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