April Fools – Volunteers Requested

March_2006_saruman_lrg Many of you will no doubt remember my last, highly successful experiment in blending opposite species: the Uruk-Hai, which were a mixture of the races of Orc and Man. Many of you are only vaguely familiar with my exploits from the biased, inflammatory, and even libellous account written by J. R. R. Tolkien and filmed by Peter Jackson (Will the world never learn that pragmatism is a virtue? I was only working with Sauron in order to bring about change from the inside!).

You will recall that the Uruk-Hai were far superior to both Orcs and Humans. In comparison with Orcs, the Uruk-Hai are far more capable of enduring the Sun –and they even killed that swag Boromir, which is one more of the Fellowship heroes than the pitiful Orcs could manage! And, in comparison with the forces of Men, well, obviously the Uruk-Hai are far better at keeping the first law of Heaven: obedience (to _me_, at any rate).

I now find myself involved in a very different conflict between light and dark: the struggle between Mormon Apologists and the forces of the Anti-Mormons. In this battle, the great and noble Apologists resist naive and Satanic appeals to Enlightenment acceptance of reason, evidence, and science, used by sinister Anti-Mormons to trick Apologists into the delusion that there is no God, and that, even though He doesn’t exist, He hates Mormonism. Both Apologists and the Anti-Mormons have strengths I admire in this battle. The Apologists often have graduate education and professional academic jobs–useful for intimidating people who hated school and feared their teachers. Their Lore is mighty indeed, such as I have not seen since I witnessed Celebrimbor forge the Three Rings. Furthermore, the best Apologists speak one or more dead langauges, which is wonderful because the phrase, “in the end, it’s all a matter of faith,” is far more impressive in Akkadian than it is in English!

On the other hand, the best Anti-Mormons have absolutely no sense of shame–a trait as useful in arguments as the citadel of Helm’s Deep turned out to be for accursed Rohan. Furthermore, Anti-Mormons have the power of the One-Liner: a single-sentence quote ripped from context and forged in the furnaces of Mount Doom into a vicious, testimony-shredding weapon of destruction.

It is as the Legend of FARMS states:

Three Witnesses for the BoM-kings under the sky,
Seventy for the travelling Quorums in their halls of stone,
Nine volumes of Nibley for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One-Liners for the ZLMB Lord on his ZLMB throne
In the Internet Forums where the Shadows lie.

One-Liners to rule them all, One-Liners to skew them,
One-Liners to troll them all and in the darkness screw them

In the Internet Forums where the Shadows lie.


These important strengths notwithstanding, Apologists and Anti-Mormons (like Trolls and Men) each have major weaknesses. Specifically, each group is incapable of arguing against its own position. Apologists are wonderful at destroying alternate theories of the origins of the Book of Mormon, for example, but they are puny and weak against people’s belief in the Book of Mormon as sacred scripture. Anti-Mormons, by contrast, know how to fight against claims that Mormon beliefs are divinely revealed–but they are hapless fools against the claim that Mormonism is manmade. What is the use to me of warriors who can only fight against their enemies? Would it not be wise to create a NEW race of beings, who are ready and able to argue against any belief about Mormonism whatsoever?

High in my mystical tower on the Salt Flats, I have devised a process that creates a hybrid between apologists and anti-Mormons: the Uber-Contender!

March_2006_petersonAsOrcThis brave new breed will stop at nothing, contending with orthodox Mormons, liberal Mormons, ex-Mormons, and anti-Mormons until all within Mormondom have fallen under the sway of Saruman. They shall be FAIR as the Sun!! Before I can proceed with this glorious plan, however, I need …volunteers to undergo the process. Who will be the first to join the brave ranks of the Uber-Contenders and to march, once again, under the banner of the White Hand?

All Hail Saruman!!


  1. meemswyn says:

    Saruman, instead of asking for volunteers, why not just make it a new calling? Then you’ll have lots of able bodes who can’t say no!

  2. Saruman says:

    meemswyn, what a fascinating notion! I presume that your eager and helpful comments imply a desire to join with Saruman the Wise and become an Uber-Contender. The process will begin as soon as you have sworn fealty to me!

  3. Saruman, quit messing around with those pansy Uruk-Hai and come over to the Dark Side already! You could become a Sith Lord like me and just build yourself an army of Uber-Contender clones.

  4. Saruman says:

    Dooku, you foolish mortal, you understand not the forces with which you trifle! Would you unleash upon the universe the horror of a cloned army of Uber-Contender-trained Daniel Petersons? Even one with the vast knowledge and power of Saruman trembles at the thought!

  5. meemswyn says:

    Meemswyn feels she is living out her high school fantasies of engaging in a true geek-fest. Almost as if she were invited to play D&D like she always wanted. Better even than the Star Trek conventions she used to attend, Saruman! Thanks.

  6. Radagast says:

    Chill out, Saruman You’re making us wizards look bad.