I had originally planned to follow up on my earlier “Holy Kiss” bit with a series on courting and marriage tips, but since my claims to romantic experience now have been exposed for the fraud that they are, I’ve decided to approach these topics with an appeal to biblical authority, rather than to my own questionable credentials. In the spirit of full disclosure, I should also state that, well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I got married I actually gave up dating–I just didn’t have the time for it anymore. So even my own marginal courting experience is … dated.
There are several online sources you can google for what the bible is supposed to say about courtship. In short, most of these websites declare that the whole Law and the Prophets (with respect to dating advice) hang on these two tips: (i) don’t date non-believers (including, without limitation, Mormons, Papists, Jews, Democrats, Unitarians and other Satanists, each of whom is expressly and clearly anathematized as to courtship right there in that-there bible) and (ii) whatever you do, you aren’t supposed to have a good time. What a disappointment–I thought I was going to learn something new! What these sources don’t tell you–and here’s a huge gap in biblical understanding–is what the bible says about picking up dates. It is to this topic we must now turn. Water holes, that is, the singles bars of the bible–what do they teach men about dating?
1. Jacob goes to a well, hangs out with some guys while waiting for the women, does some recon intelligence work. Rachel shows up with some sheep and Jacob jumps up, moves the stone covering the mouth of the well and then he waters her sheep. Next, he grabs her, kisses her and … cries. Bible Dating Tips: Be physical–for instance, chicks dig it when you up and heave a boulder off the mouth of the water hole (wear a hernia belt). Get physical–smooch as early as possible, even before you say a single word to her. And, be in touch with your feelings–shed some tears if you want to. It’s okay. Especially effective after a liplock. (Gen. 29)
2. Moses goes to a well and, like that guy in the “Transporter” movies, beats the stuffing out of some juvenile delinquent sheperd troublemakers and, voila, ends up with 7 babes to choose from. Bible Dating Tips: Dating is not a contact sport, it’s a hitting sport–it’s okay to throw some elbows if necessary to get rebound position. Whipping up on the competition is way better than tossing around a big boulder. Also, when you go to a well looking for women, 7:1 beats 1:1 odds any day, any time. (Ex. 2)
3. Kish says to his son Saul, “[A]rise, go and look for the asses.” Saul goes to a well and meets up with several maidens. So far so good–you can almost hear a ZZ Top song in your head reading along there. But then Saul starts asking for help in finding lost donkeys, completely missing the whole point! The girls all just stand there, looking him over, speechless, until one of them sighs and comes up with some directions, and off goes Saul again, preoccupied with searching for mere beasts of burden. And, he doesn’t even offer the women a drink! Bible Dating Tips: Focus man! We’ve all been there. It’s easy to get your directions wrong, go off course. And, yes this is a cliche, but don’t … ever … ask … for directions. Ever. (1 Sam. 9)
Okay, I never said the bible would be a great dating guide for guys. Rest assured, however, if Joseph Smith were alive today producing the JST, I’m confident he would recognize this gaping hole in the scriptures and patch it up along the lines of the new Revolve New Testament, a version especially formatted for teenage girls. Says the publisher: “In focus groups, online polling, and one-on-one discussions, [we] found that the number one reason teens don’t read the Bible is that it is ‘too big and freaky looking.’” Their remedy? A New Testament in handy magazine format, a Christian Cosmo! Special features include, among others: Blabs (Q & A); Beauty Secrets; all of the books of the New Testament; and Guys Speak Out! I tell you this is going to be huge. Deseret Book should jump on the bandwagon now. Boy’s Life Book of Mormon? Seventeen D&C? Before you know it kids will be tossing 4 glossy standard magazine works in a beach bag when they head for church–lose the dorky scripture tote bag! Guys, listen up–girls will love it.
 This “meeting your woman at the well” type scene is used frequently in the bible–these are just a couple of examples. My favorite is when Jesus meets a woman at a well (Da Vinci Code readers take note). In this story, the ancient reader, no doubt well-versed in this type scene, is going to expect them to give each other some water and end up as a couple. There is indeed a discussion of marriage, says Jesus: “You are right in saying, `I have no husband’ for you have had five husbands, and he whom you now live with is not your husband.” The ancient reader probably got a kick out of that zinger. But that’s not what this scene is about because Jesus then offers her “living water.” Guess where this takes place? Jacob’s well. (John 4) The deeper I dig the more I find just how clever these biblical authors are.
 Actually, it only happens this way in the movie, a rare slight improvement on the book.
 Okay, that last title would just be wrong, and I’m not even an OBGYN.