A post over at the Juvenile Instructor is causing me to reflect on that most juvenile of poetic forms: the limerick. This has led me to write a couple of very bad limericks (inspired by our intrepid leader). They are both very bad. Keep that in mind.
Joseph Smith is now known as a Mormon
He told us all God was a ‘fore man
So swallow your pride
In your newly won bride
Prophet Joseph tells you to take four, man!
It is well known that Mormons love weddings
More peculiar’s the state of their beddings
While fashioned with silk
And cloths of that ilk
They’re best known for their multiple headings
That’s right. Cheap polygamy jokes that don’t even necessarily make sense find in limericks the perfect vehicle.
I say why limit this bounteous pleasure to myself. I invite all to post Mormon-themed limericks to their hearts content (just don’t actually mention Nantucket, if you know what I mean; we’s a family blog).
By Common Consent, a Mormon Blog 
To avoid taxing the youngling JI server, I’ll reprint my epic ode here for all:
There once was a prophet named Mormon,
With gold plates (tho he was a poor man),
When his people were slain,
He wept not in vain,
Cuz he followed the plan God was formin’.
GENIUS!!
Another for your reading pleasure:
Lehi, it is known, lived in tents
In the which there were cut several rents
for the raw meat they ate
was most often third rate
which resulted in bodily vents.
There once was a Saint from Nantucket,
Who told Brigham Young he could s*** it
He was sent to Mesquite,
With his thirst solely piqued,
But the well had a very dry bucket.
An old polyg father named Heber
Had a fifteenth wife hiding near Weber.
Old Heber was broke
And of the wife spoke,
I lub her, but I’d sure as hell leab her!
And another:
At a party to Jesus was water
brought instead of stuff that had ought’er.
In a flash it was wine
the true fruit of the vine
and Disciples all over were blotter’d
Brigham Young was the Lion of Judah
To the gentiles, he couldn’ta been rudah
He got out of the States,
said “This is the place”,
and founded the great state of Udah
There once was a man named Steve
Who promissed last New Years Eve
To dare not to vent
on By Common Consent
That’s one I’ll never believe.
or, more Mormon
The once was a Mormon bloke
Who thought it a funny joke
When his soon to be bride
In whom he had much pride
Left him cause he sipped on a Coke.
Kyle, that’s brilliant work!
Thanks. I wish my wife appreciated my limmericks as much. ;-)
I once did my whole family Christmas letter in limericks.
There once was a Mormon named Mitt
Who was presidentially fit
But Christian ire
soon doused that fire
til the fan got hit by the … shaving cream.
There once was a place called the ‘Naccle,
Where thoughtful issues we sought to tackle.
All night and all day
We debated the gray
And decided that nothing was facile.
This won 2nd place in a Fort Worth Star-Telegram limerick contest, published 3/18/07:
I’ve heard about Rudy’s love life
And McCain’s former marital strife
Of the top GOPs
One of life’s ironies
It’s the Mormon with only one wife
I’m having trouble with these. This is all I could come up with:
There was a {societal niche}
Who {action of humorous pitch}
{These lines interact}
{Although quite compact}
{And thus you have limericks.}
Now I just need to fill in the blanks.
A fellow we know named Moroni,
Was aware of the mote in his own eye.
He warned all not to mock
Of his words we take stock
And that’s how we know Gigiddoni.
There once was a blog we all know
‘Twas blessed with a spritual glow
but the permas, they sinned
and the comments, they thinned
When limericks took over the show.
Kevin: Awesome!
People! These are warming the cockles of my heart. Please keep them coming!
On the ship Nephi’s brothers were jerking
So the ball with the pointers stopped working
Having no GPS
They though it was best
To put up with their bro and his smirking.
The people of Alma did go-a
To try to escape bad King Noah
But they found a bad end
When they ran into his friends
But eventually salvation did know-a.
A blogger by the name of John C.
tried to get us all banned from BCC
with limericks and verse
which couldn’t be worse
We do it cuz we love you John, see?
Oh, why not!
There once was a blog in the ‘Naccle
with minds like the teeth of a jackal
to be learned is good
if you hang in this hood
So read to avoid a debacle!
This thread makes us each a canard
But to place blame shouldn’t be hard
We’re using new media
And we got the idea
From one M. Russell Ballard
– Anonymous BYU-H Student
There once was a Bishop from Kent,
with five years of service he’d spent,
He had hoped for reprieve,
but instead of a leave,
They made him the Stake President!
Inspired by a great Mormon man:
A man avoids his dissertation.
But he’s not filled with trepidation,
He frolics with glee!
Who needs a Ph. D ?!?
The Post Office’s a fine vocation.
(some liberties taken)
There once was a saint named Golden
His tongue he loved to embolden
He said damn, he said hell
His legend we tell
But he’s a relict of a time that is olden
Just shoot me now.
There once was a blogger named Evans
Whose poetry stank to the heavens
But he asked for some verse
Didn’t think there’d be worse
And by now, there’s at least twenty-seven.
Kaimi,
Awesome! You trumped us all, and dissed Steve at the same time!
Damn spell check. My last effort should have card in the first line, not canard.
There once was a good boy from Orem,
Who loved his mom’s hats,
He adored ’em.
He tried them all on,
‘til one day he was gone.
Now he’s ex-Mo, a homo in WeHo!
Oh Mike.
Mike,
That tops kaimi’s!
There was an apostle named Talmage
‘gainst JFS he warmly did savage
“Adam’s altar”, he said,
“is full of crustaceans, all dead!”
And thus evolution did salvage
Dedicated to all the bandidos down south:
En México también poetamos
Hay tantos mormones aquí que sobramos
Los yanquis piensan
Que nuestras mamitas existen
Solo por cocinar enchiladas y tacos
Not particularly Mormon, but not off-topic.
I didn’t write this; I read it when I was a kid in a Reader’s Digest anthology.
God’s plan had a hopeful beginning
But man spoiled his chances by winning
We trust that the story
Will end in God’s glory
But at present, the other side’s winning.
“poetar” es un verbo…I swear it…
#30 – Mike, I was laughing at all the others, but yours is pure brilliance.
There once was a young Molly Mormon
Who knew all foods she should storm ’em.
She stored wheat and rice;
She didn’t think twice,
Though she only would eat them in boredom.
An obnoxious Elder named Chisum
Thought all the coeds would kiss him,
If only he’d ask
In their beauty to bask.
They all laughed and simply did diss him.
Oh, man. The tears are flowing now, I’m laughing so hard…
There once was a woman named Sue
Who bypassed the “Y” for the “U”
Her parents did cry
Can’t stop wondering why
Their daughter refused to wear blue.
[okay, that was lame. How about this one?]
A mother, she heard Sister Beck
And wondered aloud “What the heck?!”
Now she protests in word —
Many backers incurred!
But bloggers debate still unchecked.
There was an RM with strong urges
Who tried to control hormonal surges.
He talked to his father
Who told him, “Why bother?
Just marry. Your urges it merges.”
There once was a blogger named Steve
Who told all the trolls just to leave.
He spent all his day
Controlling bloggers like Ray.
Soon they his omnipotence believed.
There once was a man named Hugh Nibley
Who spun ancient text rather glibly
Who confirmed our suspicion
Of the Trilateral Commission
With apocryphal books of the Biblee
There once was a man named J. Golden
To indelicate phrase he’s beholden
With works strong and true
He denied the devil’s due
In hell left he him the bag holdin’.
There once was a shootist named Porter
Who left Smith’s enemy list shorter
But to all sins forgiv’n
And fine eternal liv’n
Bestowed on the rancorous torter
Fine additions, David.
Hear, hear. Nice handiwork David!
Feminist Mormon Housewives
Lead very interesting lives.
At home they won’t stay
Barefoot in that way
For which DH continually strives.
(nods approvingly at Kevin)
There once was a man from T Seasons
Who thought that abortion was treason
Prolific commented
His friends all lamented —
“How this topic now robs him of reason.”
#48 & #50 – Wow.
And some late entries from the other side of the world…
There once was a blogger whose goal
Was to save each and every soul
At BCC but
His mouth is now shut
Since Steve told him, ‘Bye-bye you troll!’
At FMH comments get snarky,
And some think it’s all just malarky.
But oh, don’t you worry–
The permas will hurry
To show it’s just more patriarchy.
Sorry for the double post — to make up for it:
There once was a man named McCruthy
Who was Mormon but really in truth he
Sometimes drank tea.
So eternally
He’s going to be a TK smoothie.
That was a quick delete of the inadvertent soft porn reference! Impressive.
Awesome, Norbert.
It once was a husband presided
In disputes with his wives he decided
But the Manifesto
Said of extra wives “No!”
So a husband with one wife resided
Then the husband of only one wife
Held sway in their marital life
When disputes arose
It was he who chose
And thus solved their marital strife
Equal partnership now is advised
But has counsel been really revised?
The husband remains
Presider, unchanged
Is “equal” presiding disguised?
I’m impressed, Ziff. A three verse limerick is a challenge.
In front of your computer you’re parked
A debate in the ‘naccle you’ve sparked
With yourself you are smitten
To see what is written
On Kurt’s website you may find yourself snarked.
Okay, here goes (closes eyes and clicks button)…
There once was an elder named Packer
Who said hard rock music’s for slackers
de Azevedo’s the leaven
It’s the ticket to heaven
For white and delightsome crackers
re: 32 and 37
Thanks, but I have been tormented in my spirit since yesterday because Orem and WeHo don’t rhyme.
So, with all humility, please accept the New Revised Version:
There once was a Deacon from Provo,
Who adored his mom’s hats—
And with gusto!
He tried them all on,
‘Til the day she caught on.
Now he’s ex-mo and gay in The Castro!
A ‘nacle newbie named Irma
asked herself “what the heck is a perma?”
so many strange terms!
this weirdness confirms
we are not always on terra firma
Shiz was a bloke with a sword
Who smote well but not for the Lord
Coriantumr whacked
His head truly cracked
Shiz exhaled and declared, “I am floored!”
For Kaimi:
The music of Janice Kapp Perry
Leaves me with feelings quite scary
That if this is the best
in sacred songs we’ve so stressed
Then shoot me now, and my body please bury
I’ve been reading these poems for a bit
And now I am ready to admit
That the ‘nacle is proof
Since we haven’t gone *poof*
That God must have a keen sense of wit
There once was a Frank McIntyre
Who for babies was looking a buyer
We could use extortion
Instead of abortion
If the kid could send cash via wire
Some coincidence that this post would come up next to one about banned characters. It was in fact Prudence McPrude who wrote the limerick that set off one of the nacle’s greatest firestorms, most of which was later deleted.
The Catholics, they all go to mass
The Mormons, we all go to class.
The three hour block
Makes my brain like a rock,
And sitting that long hurts my *
* – sorry
Everywhere went a young man named Henry,
Who since birth could not use his memory,
He lived many lives,
Then had many wives,
Was arrested, for fraud and polygamy.