Welcome to the first installment of Police Beat Roundtable, where an invited panel convenes via instant message to review selected items culled from the “Police Beat” column in BYU’s student newspaper, The Daily Universe.
Today’s panel includes Steve Evans and GST (both BYU men), and Cynthia, for an outsider’s perspective.
All items are taken verbatim from “Police Beat.”
June 2. A blind deer was found by a resident at the Wymount Terrace. Provo Animal Control was called and they came and took care of the animal. They knew it was blind because it was running into things.
Cynthia: Maybe it was drunk?
June 4. An adult male and a 15-year-old female were arrested for shoplifting in the BYU Bookstore. They tried to take a package of $7.99 Rook cards. They are both non-students. They were caught by floor walkers and will be charged in court with retail theft. They just wanted to play the game but did not want to pay for cards, police said.
Steve: I’ve played Rook, and would kill a hobo to do so again. SET THE JUNE 4 MARTYRS FREE!
May 27. Someone called in about a suspicious male in the WSC. The suspect had long, blonde hair and a goatee. It turned out he had lost his camera and came in to see if it was brought to the Lost & Found, police said.
GST: This is one of my favorite Police Beat themes, the “suspicious male.” It means anyone that doesn’t look like Donny Osmond.
Steve: “Lost” his “camera,” indeed. I hope they tarred and feathered that Nelson wanna-be.
GST: Nelson? Nelson Muntz? Horatio Nelson? Which do you mean?
Steve: Nelson, as in the pseudo-rockers from the 90s?
Cynthia: GST, get with the program, the long, blond hair Nelson!
Steve: Seriously, LOSER. Prolly thought I meant Russell M.
Cynthia: I like how he turned out to be innocent, yet this piece still refers to him as “the suspect.”
May 31. A student called and reported suspicious behavior at 11 p.m.. A car had been running around the law school parking lot for 30 minutes, police said. When the officer arrived the male explained he was teaching his girlfriend how to drive.
Cynthia: Teaching her how to “drive,” wink wink.
Steve: The price of a well-maintained night time parking lot is eternal vigilance. I applaud that 11 p.m. phone call. Probably saved that young man’s chastity.
June 30. A man was seen dangling his feet over the edge of the roof atop the Spencer W. Kimball Tower. The man was asked to not dangle his feet over the edge for his own safety and he complied.
Steve: SWKT foot-dangling is not in the Bill of Rights.
June 30. Police followed up on a report of people being loud at 11:30 p.m. at Wymount Terrace. The loud people were asked to be quiet.
GST: “This is Provo, people. 11:30. Pack it up.”
Cynthia: But what if they cannot modulate the volume of their voices?
Steve: My favorite Police Beats are these chiasmus-y ones. Report of people being loud : loud people asked to be quiet.
April 11. BYU police received a call that four male students were using the Helaman Halls pool even though it was not open yet. When the police officer arrived he was able to locate the students because they were the only students walking home wet.
Steve: Stupendous deduction Holmes!!
Cynthia: Yeah, guy shouldn’t brag about that one….
April 9. A female student called her own cell phone after she discovered that it was missing. A person she did not know picked up the phone and refused to return it to her. The thief is now sending her friends text messages and sending them on erroneous “missions” to recover the phone. Her phone has not yet been recovered.
Steve: Sounds like someone is trying to date said female student.
Cynthia: Yes, marriage proposal gone wrong.
GST: Here’s what I don’t get: The phone thief is texting her friends, posing as the owner, asking for help in finding her phone.
Cynthia: No, I think the friends know the message is from the thief.
Steve: Where do you get this “posing as the owner” bit?
GST: If I got a text message from you that said, “Will U go to WILK and C if you can find my phone,” I would respond, “Look in your hand, jackass.”
Steve: Objection – assumes facts not in evidence.
GST: Look, I made some reasonable assumptions based on what I was told.
Steve: Don’t get defensive because a corporate lawyer schooled the long-time litigator;
it’s just Police Beat!
Cynthia: I school all y’all.
April 10. A BYU Bookstore employee was suspicious of a male shopper who tried to return two French books without an ID or a receipt. After being questioned, BYU police determined that the student’s brother-in-law had bought the books for the student to take on his mission. The student did not want them and was trying to return them.
Cynthia: And the crime is?
GST: No receipt!
Cynthia: So, dude, I returned like $400 of wedding presents to Crate & Barrell. Those people gave us some much needed cash to get us started in life.
GST: If you didn’t have a receipt, you are worse than Manson.
Steve: If you do not have a receipt, you may as well be Karadzic hawking some natural therapies to hide from genocide courts.
April 11. Someone stole 1,000 square feet of sod from west of Helaman Halls. Police have no suspects.
Steve: What the … ?
Steve: Can’t they dust the, er, dust?
Cynthia: Look for someone who looks plausibly like a landscaper.
GST: They should get wet guy cop to identify the dudes with dirt all over them.
April 13. Police questioned several students as to why they were looking in the windows of the Cannon Center. The students said that they thought they saw someone in the Cannon Center stealing school property, but when they got closer, they realized it was the reflection of the streetlights.
April 14. A student called BYU Police when she saw a creepy looking person smoking by the Administration Building.
Steve: Turns out, it was Mickey Rourke.
GST: That would be awesome. I love Mickey Rourke.
Steve: What’s not to love?
–Cynthia is silent. Her lust for Rourke burns within.
Cynthia: “Rourke” too hard to pronounce; not a fan.
April 8. The father of a student called BYU police when he had not heard from his daughter for four days. BYU police called the student and told her to call her father.
GST: Another classic Police Beat theme: “Not Ready for College.”
Steve: That’s not “Not Ready for College,” that’s TOTALLY READY FOR COLLEGE.
Cynthia: But who is “not ready for college”–I think the dad, not the girl.
Steve: Way to kick it up a notch, SB2.
Cynthia: No prob. That’s what I bring to the table–I’m the intellectual. GST is the pragmatist. Steve is the jester.
Steve: You’re the equivalent of our lace centerpiece.
GST: Steve is the Canadian.
Cynthia: Well, that is synonymous.
GST: He brings a certain maply goodness to the table. I’ve never met Steve, so in my mind I picture him as Red Green.
Steve: Not far off. Picture William Shatner in the Red Green Show.
April 4. A Wymount resident tried to call the police after she and her husband got into a fight and she felt threatened. Her husband ripped the phone out of the wall and ran into the bathroom threatening to do damage to himself with a knife. BYU police responded and the man was arrested on counts of threatening with a deadly weapon and interrupting a communications device.
Steve: LOLZ on the secondary charge.
GST: Yes, are they going to charge the cell phone thief with that too?
Steve: Good heavens won’t someone PLEASE think of the phones!
That charge goes way back to British common law, when they would prosecute the hapless Polynesians would would accidentally cut the string ‘twixt the coconut husks.
GST: I do recall that. Holmes had a chapter on it.
April 4. BYU Math Teaching Assistants called BYU police to report a male student who had repeatedly threatened them. The student said he would pull out a female TA’s hair with duct tape and would stab another TA’s foot with a thumb drive to infect him with a deadly virus. BYU police are questioning the individual.
GST: This is a puzzlement. I do think that he was threatening to infect the fellow with a computer virus.
Steve: THUMB DRIVE.
That’s all I can say about that.
Cynthia: So, the guy who breaks the phone gets a bunch of charges, and the guy who wants to torture TAs gets “questioning the individual.”
GST: Seems right.
Steve: Since when is torturing TAs against the honor code?
April 1. BYU police discovered several students from NewsNet trespassing in the Deseret Towers demolition site. The student said they had heard U Hall was going to be blown up and were waiting to witness it. When the officer asked them to tell him the date the students realized they were the victims of an April Fool’s Day prank.
Cynthia: If the building were to be blown up, wouldn’t that be even LESS reason to be in the construction area, not more?
GST: Now, as I understand it, NewsNet is the BYU news service that does the Daily Universe, some TV, and the internet news. So credit to them for faithfully pointing themselves out to be idiots in Police Beat.
April 8. A 6-year-old boy called the police when his 9-year-old brother would not let him watch television. BYU police checked the situation to make sure the boys were supervised. Both boys were fine.
GST: Both boys WERE NOT fine. 6 year-old couldn’t watch television!
Steve: Res ipsa, baby. Throw the 9-year old into County lockup. There’s a reason 8 is called the “Age of Accountability.”
Cynthia: I see the parents are doing a good job grooming those kids to be BYU students someday. Requirements to get into BYU: (1) good SAT scores; (2) good grades; (3) propensity to call the police for every little thing.
March 20. BYU police responded to a report of graffiti on the north side of the Morris Center. Upon investigation, they discovered that the graffiti is affiliated with an extreme political group from India. They immediately removed the graffiti.
Steve: Hmmm, extreme political group from India. As in, the Dalai Lama?
Cynthia: That seems like clever guerrilla marketing on the part of BYU–making themselves look more international than they really are.
March 20: A mother was walking through the Wilkinson Student Center when she noticed a male BYU student following her. When she stopped walking, he approached her and touched her children’s legs. She called BYU police and they questioned the student who admitted to harassing mothers and their children in the past. He said he would try not to bother mothers again.
GST: “So long as you say so, mac! On your way!”
Steve: Try not. Do. Where do not, there is no try [to stop harassing mothers and their children].
Cynthia: Steve, Steve, Steve… Do not mangle Star Wars quotes, for I shall hurt you.
March 21. BYU police received a call reporting a male dressed in a bright yellow suit looking for duck eggs near the duck pond. When police arrived as the scene the man was nowhere to be found.
Steve: Mysterious duck-man vanishes! Call Elder Mulder and Sister Scully!
March 22: An employee from the Creamery on Ninth called BYU police when she saw several students eating brownies they had not paid for. After questioning the individuals, they determined that the students had been given permission to eat the day-old brownies free of charge.
Steve: You’d better DAMN WELL have Creamery permission, or it is your ASS!
March 11. A BYU police officer observed a 25-year-old male stumbling across a parking lot near LaVell Edwards Stadium. The man, who smelled of alcohol, said he had not been drinking but when officers asked if he was lying he said yes. The man was cited for public intoxication and is not a BYU student.
GST: He fell for the old cop “Are you lying?” trick.
Steve: Officer Svengali was able to wrest the truth.
“I haven’t been drinking.”
“Are you lying?”
March 12. A male student posted fliers in female dorm halls asking for dates to satisfy a dating requirement for his marriage preparation class. The fliers not only violate BYU policy but were disturbing female residents. Police discovered that the student was not enrolled in that class and the professor he said he had has retired.
GST: Ok, that was me.
Steve: Question: What policy did it violate?
Cynthia: Question: Did anyone actually believe this was a legitimate homework assignment long enough to do all that research re: enrollment and the prof?
Steve: I’ve dated women who beguiled me with even phonier schemes.
March 15: A resident of Heritage Halls called BYU police to report a group of men playing basketball and listening to loud music at 12:30 a.m. BYU police told the men to stop playing and go to bed.
Cynthia: Is that an order?
GST: What I like about this one is that the men weren’t just ordered to disperse. They were told to go to bed.
Steve: All in the same bed.
Cynthia: Nope, same room, different bed. Check your mission rule book, Steve.
March 13: A female student was cited for shoplifting in the BYU Bookstore. The student stole $3.69 worth of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. When asked why she stole them she said that she thought they were overpriced. When searched officers found $72 in cash on her person.
Steve: Look, the cash she has is irrelevant. Reese’s ARE overpriced. You get very little for your money with those cups. They have gone down in size dramatically over the years, as have Wagon Wheels and Cadbury Creme Eggs. There is SCIENCE to back me up on this.
Cynthia: So if she had no cash on her, they would have let her go?
Steve: Those cups shrank faster than mine did after I stopped breastfeeding.
Cynthia: Note to editor: make sure the attribution of that last quote doesn’t mysteriously change in the editing process.
GST: Culling through two years of Police Beat convinced me that BYU Bookstore should zap these people with a cattle prod, drag them into a back room, and have Robert DeNiro ball peen hammer their shoplifting hands.
Steve: Zero tolerance!
March 14. A student called BYU police when she noticed three suspicious males walking around a parking lot. When police responded they determined that the suspicious males were actually grounds crew who had been picking up trash.
GST: More of those “suspicious males.”
Steve: We can’t go on together, with suspicious males.
March 5. Police responded when they discovered that a deer had caught its leg in an animal trap near the old visitors center. Officers freed the deer.
GST: Either the cops were wrong, or the trapper was wrong. But Police Beat doesn’t take sides.
Steve: What the hell is an animal trap doing at a visitor’s center!?
GST: I hope it was a big snappy bear trap.
Steve: Do they just leave bear traps open along the alumni gates?
Cynthia: Proof that we are a cult, alas–visitors come, but can never leave.
GST: What part of “Stay off the grass” didn’t you understand, punk?
Cynthia: Cougars don’t cut corners!
Steve: Not on the grass — right there on the welcome mat. Welcome back, [profanity]!!!!!
March 10. Officers responded when they received a call that an adult duck was placed in a female dorm in Helaman Halls. The officers captured the frightened duck and returned it to the duck pond.
Cynthia: But why is it important to the story that it is an ADULT duck?
Steve: Look, it was an adult duck, above the age of duck consent. I see no need to coddle it.
So long as it kept both duck feet on the ground at all times and the door was open, I see no problems.
March 9. Three BYU students were seen throwing two-liter bottles out of their third floor window in Helaman Halls. They confessed their behavior but said they were not trying to hit cars but were simply experimenting to determine how the water would splatter.
GST: You know, for science.
Cynthia: A new generation of Galileos. BYU should be proud.
Steve: What Police Beat fails to mention is that Bybee enhanced interrogation techniques were required to extract the confession. The water from the 2-liters came in handy.
March 7. A suspicious male was seen walking a dog near Wymount. When police responded neither the man nor the dog was present.
Steve: Maybe it was the Walking Man from Stephen King books.
GST: I’m guessing that here, “suspicious” equals “black.”
March 9. A male BYU student received a threatening text message indicating he would die. The student responded with a text message saying that he would take the sender of the text message with him. There are no known suspects.
GST: I love this guy.
March 9. BYU police pulled over a car for speeding. The driver had a suspended license. When he was tested for alcohol consumption BYU police determined that he was intoxicated. The driver admitted he had been drinking but said he drove because he was the least drunk off all of the people in the car. When tested, he had twice the legal limit amount of alcohol in his body.
GST: I love this guy too.
Cynthia: But why didn’t they test the others!?
February 29. BYU police received a call reporting a white male wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt walking around Maeser Hill hitting people. When officers responded, the suspicious male was not on the premises.
GST: I’m sure this fellow had his reasons.
Steve: BYU is like Deadwood, only completely lame.
February 8. Workers at the Cougareat called BYU police when they received a counterfeit $20 bill. Upon investigation it was determined that the bill was not counterfeit and was actual legal tender.
Cynthia: What can we possibly add to this?
Steve: It was the first time they’d seen a $20. Most people pay in seashells or in doubloons.
GST: “Yeah right, buddy, ‘Andrew Jackson’ was president of the United States.”
Cynthia: Hey check it–I need to get to class.
Steve: This whole THREAD has been class.