Police Beat Roundtable #3

The third installment of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here and here.

A white male was noticed standing nude on the east side of the tennis courts Tuesday at 1 p.m. Some female students noticed him and called the police. He ran away upon being noticed. Police are still investigating.

GST: At least he wasn’t suspicious. Apparently, according to Police Beat, males come in two varieties: White, and Suspicious.

Steve: He was noticed; some students noticed him. He ran away upon being noticed. Consider this your final notice.

Cynthia: he’s on notice.

Steve: white, but apparently not delightsome.

GST: No big deal. He was just on the court shagging balls.

Cynthia: there’s such a thing as too white.

Saturday at 12:00 a.m., four victims reported they were hit by an unknown object coming from a blow gun, from a car, on East Campus Dr. Three males were in the car. One victim was hit on the head, causing a lump and a headache. Another suffered broken wounds on the hip and arm. The license plate number was identified and leads are still under investigation.

Steve: Lord of the Flies on E. Campus Dr.! Piggy’s got the conch!

Cynthia: how is it an unknown object? While it’s coming at you, sure, but after it hits you?

GST: They had their wounds broken. That’s bad.

Steve: maybe it disintegrated upon impact? Ice darts!

GST: Blow gun, man. BYU campus is like an episode of Jonny Quest.

Okay, three unrelated events (OR ARE THEY??):
Friday a client at the barbershop passed out in the barber chair. He was unconscious for two minutes. The patient is a student. The cause is unknown, and he has no medical history.

On Sunday in the JKHB an male was found unconscious. Officers arrived and the patient was conscious and breathing.

In A530 HFAC on Monday a female collapsed and fell unconscious. She was revived and no medical action was taken.

GST: Obama-induced fainting. Yes they can.

Steve: The barbershop guy awoke to find graffiti etched in his crew cut of MLK Jr.

Cynthia: hmm….maybe they were hit with disintegrating ice darts?

Steve: the Sunday male collapsed in the humanities building. The monday fainter was in the fine arts center. Someone is targeting all the useless majors!!

GST: Steve, you’re never going to be invited back to the JKHB for homecoming again.

Cynthia: what about the barbershop? haircutting is very useful.

Steve: it’s both true and useful.

GST: Cynthia, BYU does not have a barbering major.

Cynthia: why not? they have a “family life” major classes on how to cook, sew and shop for your kids, why not cut their hair, eh?

Steve: you obviously were some sort of hard science major, and therefore dateless.

Cynthia: this is true, but my major was useful.

GST: I should have been a Family Life major. I might have been awarded life experience credit for growing up in a family, of sorts.

A report of disorderly conduct occurred Tuesday at the DT swimming pool. Three male sunbathers were wearing swim shorts that were too large. They were asked to pull-up their swimsuits. Residents from V-Hall began to yell from their windows to pull-up their pants. The males ignored the requests and instead one stood up and pulled his shorts down to his knees exposing his buttocks. The males were issued a citation and referred to the Honor Code Office.

Steve: OK; this is quintessential Deseret Towers, from back in the Day. But such is the BYU conundrum. “My shorts are too small. My shorts are too large.”

Cynthia: if the shorts were down to his knees, methinks not only the buttocks were exposed

Steve: they were large buttocks, covering all else.

GST: Look, I actually lived in V-Hall for a semester. It was hard to keep my grades up and consistently shout verbal abuse at people for their swimsuits.

Cynthia: they didn’t say it would be easy, gst, they only said it would be worth it

Oct. 2, at 1:45 a.m., three students reported an unusual object hanging from a statue outside the Smith Family Living Center. An officer responded, removed, and disposed of the cow tongue that was hanging from the statue’s arm.

GST: Which statue is that? Is that the family, or the Indian dude? Or the “Pre-Columbian Stone Ball”?

Steve: The family holding hands. It was hanging from the little girl. That same officer got cow tongue duty after screwing up the whole maple syrup fiasco.

Cynthia: mmmm….fermented cow tongue

GST: They’re both better than dead guy duty. I have to agree with the mute cow: that little girl is delicious.

Steve: Gotta give cred to the author of this one. Keeps you in the mystery until the end.

Cynthia: I’m glad we weren’t left to speculate on the “unusual object,” this is a family show.

Sunday, a resident at Wymount Terrace reported flames coming from the bottom of their heater. Officers responded and concluded that it was a normal functioning heater. The matter has been referred to campus safety.

Cynthia: nothing to see here, move along

Steve: “Pa, what’s that demon breath coming from the metal box ‘neath the Book of Remembrance??”
“Dunno Ma, this whole place is haunted.”

GST: It was referred to campus safety because they need to keep an eye on Sling Blade here who had never seen a heater before.

Steve: Also, “normal functioning heater” = napalm-powered flamethrower.

GST: Next he’s going to call in and report Zuul living in his refrigerator.

Cynthia: as long as she’s cold, I see no problem.


GST: Nice

Tuesday, a student reported his Toyota Sport Utility Vehicle stolen. Later that day, officers spotted the vehicle. The officers followed i, and pulled the driver over after the vehicle traveled the wrong way on a one-way road. The officer got out of his car, but did not approach the Toyota. The officer instructed the driver to turn off the car, but the driver did not comply. The officer repeated himself, but instead the driver put the vehicle in reverse. The officer drew his weapon, and repeated the command. Then, the officer directed the driver to throw the keys out the window. The driver complied. Soon, the vehicle’s owner arrived and said the driver was a friend. The owner did not press charges, however, the driver was issued a citation for going the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cynthia: wow, the day that BYU police dream about, pulling out the weapon.

Steve: it’s a little less impressive when you learn that the officer’s weapon is a blowgun armed with disintegrating ice darts.

Cynthia: this is a pretty harsh way to let your friend know that you need the car you loaned him back for a date tonight.

GST: If it were my friend, I’d be shouting into the radio at the cop, “TAKE THE SHOT!”

Cynthia: hey roomie, it’s your turn to take out the trash, or next time I tell him to take the shot!

Steve: We all pay the price of illegal street Vanillaroma trees.

A student reported that an individual driving a white Mazda followed her from the Bean Museum to the parking lot next to the Marriott Center Oct. 30. While the victim was in her car, the driver of the Mazda pulled up along the left side of her car, got out with his pants down, and began making obscene movements to the song “Me So Horny.” She drove away and notified the police of the incident, and gave a description of the man. The man has light blond hair, is 5 feet 10 inches tall and weighs 160 pounds.

After the description was given, police located the individual in a parking lot. Police pulled over the individual and searched his car. Police found a loaded gun, binoculars, scissors, a knife and a “2 Live Crew” tape. The individual admitted to approaching three girls that day. He had an outstanding warrant from Lehi and 10 cases of lewdness from the University of Utah. He was arrested and booked into Utah County Jail.

Steve: “light blond hair, is 5 feet 10 inches tall and weighs 160 pounds…. and answers to NATHAN OMAN”

GST: 2 Live Crew? Honestly?

Cynthia: wasn’t “2 Live Crew” corrupting our nation’s youth like two decades ago? that’s some impressive corruption staying power

Steve: Turns out it was the 2 Live Crew that provoked the arrest. Not the gun, binoculars or knife.

Cynthia: don’t forget the scissors, nail clippers and boxcutter.

GST: Yeah, if he’d been exposing himself to women with a loaded gun and a Steve Winwood tape, he’d be a free man today.

A cheerleader suffered a bloody nose and had swelling to his face during the High School Football Championship games Friday. Another cheerleader accidentally kicked him in the nose as he was catching her. BYU EMTs responded and treated the man.

Steve: Gymkata!

Cynthia: this will be such a cute story after they get married

Steve: isn’t there a male word for cheerleader?

Cynthia: cheerdictator?

Steve: I think of Zoolander: “Mer-man, dad. Mer-MAN!!”

GST: As if it’s not already humiliating enough to be a male cheerleader (apologies to President Bush), his colleague gives him a beatdown in front of a large crowd.

The manager of the Cannon Center contacted police after receiving threats from a recently terminated employee. The suspect had threatened to tear all the hair off of the body of a co-worker. Officers spoke with the student and the issue has been resolved.

Cynthia: some people pay a lot of money to have their body hair removed.

Steve: The phrase “Cannon Center Waxing” will go down in the Big Book of Threatening Gestures along with a Brazilian Necktie and a Canadian Hammock (don’t ask re: latter).

GST: I would be interested in hearing more details in how this was resolved.

Cynthia: in my experience, threats of violence are not successful in regaining lost employment.
ACTUAL violence, on the other hand…

GST: I’ve been subjected to some really hairy co-workers, so I know where this guy is coming from.

Steve: It should be noted, though, that the co-worker in question was Sasquatch, and later got the tar beat out of him by Col. Steve Austin.

Saturday a custodian of the SWKT noticed a puddle of water in the corner of an elevator with the smell of urine. Forty-five minutes later the custodian noticed the elevator was in use again. When he investigated, two individuals ran out of the elevators and the south side of the building. The custodian then observed two wet spots on different corners of the elevator with liquid still dripping down the walls. The custodian then searched for the two individuals and found them looking through windows of the ESC. When approached, the individuals fled. The police later found photocopied papers on the windows of the ESC and the doors of the SWKT. The papers were saturated in some sort of liquid.

Cynthia: so, how long is it going to take somebody to realize that’s no puddle of water?

Steve: This is an extremely visceral Police Beat. It was Ectoplasm.

GST: Cut these guys some slack–who hasn’t urinated in an SWKT elevator and on some copier paper before? Glass houses, stones, etc.

Steve: “some sort of liquid,” gst. You gotta make those photocopied papers stick somehow.

GST: Also, whatever this janitor gets paid, it’s not enough.

Steve: We need Danny Glover to play him in the movie version, muttering, “I’m too old for this sh**.”

GST: or this liquid.

Steve: close enough.

Around 10 p.m. on Feb. 14, a man on a bike flagged down an officer claiming he was assaulted with water balloons by a vehicle that drove by. The police then found the vehicle, a Blazer, and pulled it over to question the driver and passengers. The four adults and juvenile inside the car said they had already thrown all of the balloons out the window. However, when they were asked to leave the car, more balloons fell out. Police issued warnings and the balloons were confiscated.

Steve: d’oh!

Cynthia: It’s wasn’t us! We already threw all our waterballoons! What’s wrong with this defense….

Steve: “did you throw them?” “impossible! we’re all out!”

Cynthia: let’s just hope these guys weren’t pre-law

GST: I think the lesson is: If you’re going to throw water balloons at a cyclist, make sure you kill him.

Steve: Plus how many water balloons are there in this Blazer, that they come cascading out like clowns in a Shriner car? Note the consequences for assaulting a cyclist: a warning, plus the cops will totally steal all your balloons. Also note: this is a Valentine’s Day balloon massacre.

Cynthia: ….and a few hours later, a student called police to report police throwing water balloons

Steve: best water fight the Evidence Room ever had.

GST: I wonder if these same guys assaulted some copier paper in the SWKT

Steve: some sort of liquid with scraps of colored rubber.


  1. The Right Trousers says:

    I love this. It’s like MST3K, but with BYU coppers. And it’s text. And nobody’s a robot. And I *think* it’s voluntary. Is it?

  2. Excellent work. FWIW, here’s an item from October 2000:

    A student’s Jeep was stolen between 9:30 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. while he was at church on Oct. 22. While walking south on 900 E. the student saw two girls driving his jeep heading north. He ran into the road to stop the suspects but they swerved and kept driving. Later a female contacted the University Police and asked if anyone had reported a stolen vehicle. She reported that she was supposed to pick up a Jeep her brother had borrowed and return it to Heber City. The keys would not work in the Jeep so she tried the column and it started. She delivered the Jeep to Heber City but later realized it was not the right vehicle when her brother called to ask why the Jeep was still in the parking lot. The Jeep was returned undamaged and the woman paid for the gas used. No citation was issued.

  3. BTW, did anyone catch 2 Live Crew when it played in Provo in August 2001?

  4. Vanillaroma.

  5. Justin, that’s the day I got married. They actually performed at my wedding.

  6. Steve Evans says:

    TT I love you (long time).

  7. Is this from an old police beat? I thought DT was torn down last year?

  8. Steve Evans says:

    John F., technically they’re all from old Police Beats. But yes, some of these are very old. The 2 Live Crew one is from 1956.

  9. Hey, it just occurred to me:

    Short films here I come “The Police Beat”, “The Police Beat II”, and “The Police Beat III” – a Trilogy.

  10. I had to look this one up:

    Compelling stuff.

  11. Bro Jones says:

    I may be sending a beloved daughter of god to this campus next year. Do you think it is safe? (She has a Jeep)

  12. Steve Evans says:

    Bro. Jones, it will be safe until she arrives. Then the number of Jeep-related pedestrian fatalities will skyrocket!

  13. He answers to NATHAN OMAN!

    This post would be better with pictures of BYU campus, like jeeps and the statue of the family. (but no photo of lewd men, please)

  14. Steve – even Urban Dictionary doesn’t have Canadian Hammock.
    (Google hit #8 is this post.) Not that I’m asking, but I AM curious. =)

  15. Students should exercise caution around jeeps on campus. The following suspicious act remains under investigation (i.e., unsolved) nearly ten years after the fact:


    Around 2 p.m. on Sept. 25, a Green Jeep pulled into the parking lot of the N. Eldon Tanner Building and stopped in front of a student. One of the occupants told the student that he needed a pair of shorts and tossed him a pair, then drove off. This case is still under investigation.”

  16. Steve Evans says:

    FHL, I cannot tell you.

  17. classic stuff. Steve Austin and Sasquatch FTW!

  18. Peter LLC says:

    I take offense at the juxtaposition of “Jeep” and “fatalities” in the same sentence. 4x4s keep you safe on Provo’s winter roads and no one does 4×4 better than Jeep.

    Beyond that, it’s the ideal vehicle for getting you and your roomies up the hill to the MTC for the Wednesday farewells and ward temple trips, come rain or shine.

    I hope the BCC experiment does not result in further Jeep-related defamation.

  19. Dude, Jeep is teh sux0rz!!!!!!1!!!

  20. The best thing about Jeeps in Provo is the clearance. One chilly Sunday morning in Provo, I was in the right place to observe a driver back his Jeep out of an apartment parking space. Something made a clunking sound under the hood. A broken belt fell to the ground, and then a dead cat followed it. Without the excellent clearance of Jeep vehicles, I wouldn’t have seen the falling objects so clearly nor laughed so loudly.

  21. Bro Jones says:

    Re #12. Thanks Steve. you have no idea.
    Perhaps I should buy her a sturdy pair of winter boots (with a jeep-like tread, for getting up the hill, etc.)

  22. Steve Evans says:

    I could support other 4x4s that are not Chrysler-made. This Russian one, for example.

  23. merrybits says:

    But how did those two individuals manage to manufacture so much urine? All I can say is at least it wasn’t morning-pee.

  24. Steve Evans says:

    lolz merrybits, that’s a good one. I guess maybe it’s all the decaf Diet Coke?

  25. Left Field says:

    The fact that he was a white male is important because it indicates that he had just arrived at the tennis courts. If he had been there since noon, he’d have been a red male.

  26. Steve Evans says:

    If he was super-white maybe it was a ghost.

  27. #22–Steve, look, I’m no “expert” on “cars,” but I think to qualify as a “4×4,” it has to have 4 “wheels,” not 2. Just sayin.

  28. Steve Evans says:

    Well played SB2.

  29. Eric Russell says:

    Steve: Gymkata!

    Only a true cinemasochist could have come up with that one.

  30. Gymkata! I was laughing throughout the whole thing, but that one nearly killed me – that one and the reference to Nate Oman.

  31. I have to agree with the mute cow: that little girl is delicious.

    GST, it would be interesting to find out just how your mind works. I probably should not admit that I laughed at this.

  32. I probably should not admit that I laughed at this.

    Well, Eric, how do you think I feel, having to admit that it was pretty much the first thing that popped into my head when I heard the story?

  33. RE #26–the girls really just should have asked to shake his hand to find out what sort of a personage he was, then, not call the police!

  34. In addition to DT being gone, so is the Smith Family Living Center. Offhand, I don’t know where that little girl statue is. She probably got eaten.

  35. NoCoolName_Tom says:

    South of the Wilk and Library, just down the stairs from “Brigham’s Quad”. Still holding hands in all their non-wedding ring-ed glory. :-D

  36. Steve Evans says:

    NCN Tom, any tongue marks? Bonus points if you get a tongue (gummy tongue acceptable), put it on the girl, and take a picture.

  37. Thanks, Tom. Now that you mention it I vaguely remember seeing it.

  38. All I can say is that I think these roundtables are better than any of the firestorms ever hoped to be. Anything that guarantees snark from gst is a keeper in my book.

  39. That statue was the favorite target of my friends and I growing up. We would jam popsicle sticks between the fingers of the parents so from a distance it looked like they were both smoking.

    We thought it was hilarious…..we were 11.

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