Guest Starring: Adam Greenwood. Also, Steve Evans decided to start calling himself “Stephen,” to the hilarity of all.
The Provo Police Department called the University Police for assistance after a jogger reported a man scaling a fence carrying a gun while exiting the Provo Temple grounds on Monday at 1:36 a.m. Police searched for the suspect but could not find anyone. Police think the witness could have mistaken a security guard for the suspect.
GST: Temple security guards do not 1) carry guns nor 2) scale fences.
Adam: New security guard IQ test: define gate and door. Explain their many uses.
Stephen: You know Provo P.D. has got to just hate it when they call up the campus cops “for assistance.” Those dudes would rather get assistance from Taco Bell employees.
Adam: But as long as the campus cops keep hogging all the strait jackets, what else can Provo’s Finest do?
Stephen: Maybe it was one of the three nephites, scaling a fence with his [mystic] revolver?
Cynthia: Or Moroni got tired of being out in the cold and, with bugle in tow, decided to make a run for it?
Adam: The pistol of Laban.
GST: That’s the theory of Steven King’s Gunslinger as Immortal Nephite.
Stephen: that’s Stephen King, not to put too fine a point on it.
GST: Of course. I regret the error.
Adam: Proceed, Steven.
A student reported suffering a dislocated shoulder following a miscalculated high-five.
Adam: What’s the crime, treason? Socage and barratry? Aggravated wankery?
GST: All of my high-fives are well thought out. I don’t rush in to a high five.
Stephen: NOBODY high-fives Frank McIntyre. That student is lucky to be alive. Frank is the LDS Chuck Norris.
Adam: I used to be a reasonable man. Then one day I high-fived Frank McIntyre. He beat the sense out of me.
Cynthia: I wonder how much the student had to pay the PBR editor to make SURE his name didn’t end up getting printed? yikes.
A 22-year-old male student reported Sept. 17 that his $40 homemade bicycle was stolen from the bike rack near the botany pond on 800 North. The bike was left unlocked and unattended for two hours.
Adam: I suspect insurance fraud, suspicious male that I am.
GST: Valuing homemade bicycles with any precision is difficult.
Cynthia: oh now he’s just bragging–“only 2 hours and it was gone!” I thought even real bikes can go unlocked for days.
Stephen: “homemade” bicycle. Just like Grandma used to forge on her anvil.
Adam: Especially if you’re depreciating them for tax purposes. Popsicle sticks have many uses. Just like gates and doors. Someone thought it was an art installation.
Cynthia: But this stolen art bike will be worthless–no provenance!
Stephen: You know, the best gifts are the ones you make yourself. This year, give the gift of a homemade bicycle. Made of balsa wood and twist ties.
GST: Grandma in her bicycle confectionery.
Adam: This wasn’t theft, it was criticism.
An 18-year-old female student was a victim of a water gun attack. The victim reported on Sept. 20 that someone shot at her with a water gun and ruined her new hymn book. The victim was walking home from tunnel singing just south of the Marriot Center when the water gun was squirted. The suspects were apprehended and will replace the hymn book and make restitution. No criminal harges have been made.
Adam: Cgarages? Chargees? Ohhhhhhh, charges!
Cynthia: Ruined her hymn book? I think I hear the world’s smallest violin…
GST: I saw this on an episode of The Wire.
GST: Adam, I just added you to my contact list at http://www.findmespot.com. So you’ll get updates from my personal satellite tracking beacon when I’m camping this weekend. Good for you.
Adam: If I’m ever attacked by water-armed suspicious males, I’ll take comfort knowing exactly where you are.
Adam: How many suspects does it take to fire a water gun? Two.
GST: On and on and on til the breaka breaka dawn.
Adam: One to replace the hymn book, one to make restitution.
Stephen: you know, those tunnel singers are disturbing. Did you ever get roped into that? Only the most desperate of males do it in hopes of a pious NCMO.
Adam: No comment. I’m sick of this negative campaigning.
Cynthia: wait, so, this is a regular thing? People stand around campus singing hymns?
GST: No. The only thing I ever did in a tunnel at BYU was tolchock some bums with my droogs.
Stephen: nicely played.
Adam: The problem with tunnel singing is that it’s only on Sundays. They need Wednesday’s for country. Tuesdays for techno. And Mondays for Lambada, the Forbidden Dance.
GST: [good one]
Adam: Hopefully that would give these desperate squirt-gun youths something better to do than molest hymnbooks and scale the temple walls. Anyway, this might be hard for a Canadian to understand, but squirt guns don’t squirt people. People squirt people.
Stephen: Riff over. The Artful Dodger comes to BYU!
At Cougar Stadium Saturday afternoon, a boy was assaulted by a man at the BYU-San Jose St. football game. Police said the boy spilled his cup of icewater and got the man wet and he attempted to clean up the mess with his coat. Police said the man grabbed the boy and shook him. Police said the boy spilled again on another man later on who grabbed his nose and told him to stop. The case is still under investigation.
Adam: Hey, what’s the rush! I wasn’t done riffing.
GST: Perhaps he spilled on the second man because the first man was shaking him. Boy can’t hold his drink still, what with all of the vigorous shaking by large men.
Cynthia: I’m disappointed. For this even to be truly spectacular, it needed to go at least one more round of spilling.
Adam: You can lead a boy by the nose, but you can’t make him drink.
Cynthia: But you can make him spill. (again)
Stephen: Nose-grabbing has gone by the wayside. It has a whimsical quality. “Look, I’ve got your nose!” It also suggests that this boy has a huge honker.
Adam: I box ears. I’m a historic preservationist that way.
Stephen: Also good. GST is a ‘nut-puncher’ type of fellow.
GST: As for nut punching, I say, “Come and get one in the yarbles, if ye have any yarbles, ye jelly eunuch thou.”
Adam: When blood trickles out I say, ‘quit whining. Those are the ruptured ear drums of history.”
GST: Society for the Preservation of Arcane Corporal Punishments.
Adam: AKA AWESOME
GST: Seriously, though, can we agree that this kid had it coming? Next.
Adam: If only he’d been raised in an LDS home. Water won’t melt the San Jose fans, kid. That’s liberal propaganda.
An employee of the snack bar by the indoor track of the Smith Field House observed a male individual watching her for most of the day. When she asked him to leave he disappeared and she began to discuss the man with a fellow food service employee. The man then reappeared and warned her not to talk about him behind his back. A verbal confrontation ensued and continued when the man came back several times throughout the day. The man later threw the contents of an orange juice container on the employee and ran away.
Stephen: Again, we learn the valuable lesson of not screwing around with Frank McIntyre.
Adam: Assuming that “the contents of an orange juice container” = orange juice. Maybe I should say ‘alleged orange juice.’
Stephen: It tested positive for Juice.
GST: It was an orange, liquid substance.
Stephen: It might have been Tang.
Adam: Microwave it to check for anthrax.
Cynthia: The real crime here is time theft. That woman was “discussing” the guy with another employee *while on the clock.* For shame.
GST: That burns me about Police Beat, by the way. They will describe the discovery of a “powdery substance.” There’s a word in English for that powdery substance: powder.
Stephen: Hey, don’t be a hater. This time the O.J. has been convicted.
Adam: PB is taking a philosophical position about the nature of being. I’d explain it to you, but I haven’t finished my course in Aristotelian criminalistics.
A male assaulted a female in Wymount Terrace laundry room #5 Tuesday at 9:07 a.m. The suspect entered the laundry facility and was wrapping something around an object in his hand. The victim was already in the facility and thought the suspect was female.
Police report the male approached the victim and pressed something to her neck. The suspect said he had a gun and not to move. The victim then screamed and ran out of the facility and fled in a small 1980s model pickup truck. Witnesses said the incident appeared to be two females fighting.
The suspect is described as a white male, fair complexion, 5’7″ to 5’8″, slender build, 120 lbs., in his early 30s, long blond straight hair, with dark eye makeup, and femininely dressed.
Cynthia: er…. what?
Adam: Good thing that pickup truck was a small, 1980s model.
GST: Am I dim, or is this the most impenetrable police blotter entry ever written?
Adam: GST: both.
GST: Fine, so long as the question is cleared up.
Stephen: So let me get this straight: the police have neither the suspect nor victim?
Cynthia: I think this is just an exceptionally bad retelling of the last 10 minutes of Psycho.
Adam: How did they know he was male? Maybe I shouldn’t ask.
GST: Adam, I grew up on a farm. We have our ways.
Stephen: Femininely dressed. You know, like with a plaid vest.
GST: Adam, don’t take crap about your vest.
Stephen: Oh, he done took it.
[holds gun to Steven’s neck]
Stephen: [screams and runs out to late 80s small truck]
A piano teacher observed a nine-year-old boy and his mother striking each other and wrestling on the ground in front of Wymount Terrace when the boy refused to go to his piano lesson on Jan. 14. The incident was reported to the Utah Division of Family Services.
Cynthia: Striking isn’t effective with a size mismatch like this. Should have gone for the armbar. Or a RNC.
Adam: Can a mother be removed from the custody of her child?
Stephen: The song goes “Love At Home.” It don’t say nothin’ about a little discipline out on the public sidewalk by Wymount.
GST: When I was 8, my dad bought me a leather sap, just in case my mother ever tried to make me go to piano lessons.
Adam: Honey, if I can take you two falls out of three, you’ll go, OK? I wonder how much my kids could make taking in foster parents from the state?
Also, fear of tickling the ivories–it needs a phobia name. Tinklephobe?
Cynthia: Adam, I’m pretty sure that’s something else entirely.
Adam: Ma, its not nine o’clock on a saturday!
On Jan. 15 at 8:25 a.m. an unidentified male standing on a stairwell in the Abraham O. Smoot Administation Building told a BYU employee passing below that “What happened at the Triad (KSL’s studio) is nothing compared to what’s going to happen here.” The individual then fled. University Police searched the building and posted officers throughout the Administration Building. The suspect was described as a 21-22 year old white male wearing a black stocking cap and a blue windbreaker.
Adam: What happened at the Triad (KSL’s studio)?
Stephen: Beats me, but it sounds AWESOME. That’s the last time they invite David Duchovny on campus.
Cynthia: you know, I’m starting to think that most of PBR is just a conspiracy by the police officer’s union to create “work” to keep themselves employed. Exhibit A: this report.
GST: KSL is in league with Chinese gangsters, apparently.
Adam: This is Chinatown.
GST: By the way, you know a caper is underfoot when the fellow shows up in his black stocking cap.
Adam: And threatens stairwell mayhem.
Stephen: That’s the first thing they teach you in Campus Cop Camp.
Adam: 101–distinguishing knit caps from stocking caps. That, and officer posting.
Stephen: 102–bear claw eateries.
GST: Flow chart: Stocking cap? Yes—TASE THAT MOFO.
Stephen: More Santas get tased on campus than anywhere else in UT, south of Logan.
Adam: Stalking cap? That’s more ambiguous. It’s either a suspicious male or Sherlock Holmes.
GST: That Billy Joel song has the laziest rhyme in all of pop music.
Stephen: Apparently the New York state of mind is that of sheer musical inanity.
Adam: Worse than ‘ambiguous’ and ‘Sherlock Holmes.’
GST: Do you know which I mean?
Adam: I’m psychic, so yeah.
Cynthia: GST, what are you talking about?
GST: You suck. Evans?
Stephen: I don’t care, really, so long as you out yourself as a Joel fan.
GST: “Davy, who’s still in the Navy”
Stephen: and probably will be for life!
Adam: At least he doesn’t drive a late 80’s small model pickup.
A student employee driving a paint truck accidently ran over another student Tuesday at Wymount Terrace. The students were painting a wall and after finishing, they began to engage in horseplay. The victim hid under the truck. Another student then got into the truck and accidently ran over the victim. The injured student was rushed to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center and is listed in stable condition.
Stephen: First of all, Daily Universe, SPELL CHECK. “accidently”????? Supposibly that’s now a real word!
GST: The wages of horseplay.
Cynthia: Let this be a lesson to all.
Adam: I need a flowchart to keep track of all these students. Apparently Student A and Student B were on strike, so we get these anonymous scabs. No details on the paint truck?
Stephen: GST, was it a highly explosive paint truck, where they had to drive it over a rocky mountain road?
GST: Once, when I was at BYU. I was tricked into painting a wall by a painter who made it look like fun. Also, he agreed to eat my apple for me.
Adam: And he showed you his ‘scab.’
Cynthia: um, ew. Seriously, ew.
Stephen: I gotta say, hiding under the truck is high-risk, for sure, but they’re not gonna catch you there, no way.
Adam: And since all the police are elsewhere, posted around the ASB, you can’t take too many precautions.
Stephen: Like that one time I hid in the printing press. I paid the price — I admit it — but I won the hide-and-go-seek championship.
Adam: What was the price? $40? Because that kid wants his homemade bike back.
Stephen: $40 and an arm. But again, I was the CHAMP.
GST: Steve, were you a hide and seek world champ? Post the pic.
Stephen: There are no pics, GST. Nice try though — you’re not gonna trip up the Champ with a rookie mistake like that.
Adam: Steve was a homemade world champ. That’s even better.
Cynthia: Was it a balsa wood printing press? With twist ties?
Stephen: Final round was between me and Ricky Schroeder. I hid in the printing press, he hid in a dying career. I must admit his was more imaginative.
Adam: Comment about butts and printing presses self-censored. I can’t even think if Schroeder is the guy I think he is, anyway.
Stephen: Silver Spoons! and of course the movie, The Champ.
Adam: And Maverick.
GST: Are we done yet?
Stephen: we’re so done.