Police Beat Roundtable #8

The eighth installment of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here and here, here, and here.

Guest Starring: Adam Greenwood. Also, Steve Evans decided to start calling himself “Stephen,” to the hilarity of all.

Suspected Gunman

The Provo Police Department called the University Police for assistance after a jogger reported a man scaling a fence carrying a gun while exiting the Provo Temple grounds on Monday at 1:36 a.m. Police searched for the suspect but could not find anyone. Police think the witness could have mistaken a security guard for the suspect.

GST: Temple security guards do not 1) carry guns nor 2) scale fences.

Adam: New security guard IQ test: define gate and door. Explain their many uses.

Stephen: You know Provo P.D. has got to just hate it when they call up the campus cops “for assistance.” Those dudes would rather get assistance from Taco Bell employees.

Adam: But as long as the campus cops keep hogging all the strait jackets, what else can Provo’s Finest do?

Stephen: Maybe it was one of the three nephites, scaling a fence with his [mystic] revolver?

Cynthia: Or Moroni got tired of being out in the cold and, with bugle in tow, decided to make a run for it?

Adam: The pistol of Laban.

GST: That’s the theory of Steven King’s Gunslinger as Immortal Nephite.

Stephen: that’s Stephen King, not to put too fine a point on it.

GST: Of course. I regret the error.

Adam: Proceed, Steven.

A student reported suffering a dislocated shoulder following a miscalculated high-five.

Adam: What’s the crime, treason? Socage and barratry? Aggravated wankery?

GST: All of my high-fives are well thought out. I don’t rush in to a high five.

Stephen: NOBODY high-fives Frank McIntyre. That student is lucky to be alive. Frank is the LDS Chuck Norris.

Adam: I used to be a reasonable man. Then one day I high-fived Frank McIntyre. He beat the sense out of me.

Cynthia: I wonder how much the student had to pay the PBR editor to make SURE his name didn’t end up getting printed? yikes.

A 22-year-old male student reported Sept. 17 that his $40 homemade bicycle was stolen from the bike rack near the botany pond on 800 North. The bike was left unlocked and unattended for two hours.

Adam: I suspect insurance fraud, suspicious male that I am.

GST: Valuing homemade bicycles with any precision is difficult.

Cynthia: oh now he’s just bragging–“only 2 hours and it was gone!” I thought even real bikes can go unlocked for days.

Stephen: “homemade” bicycle. Just like Grandma used to forge on her anvil.

Adam: Especially if you’re depreciating them for tax purposes. Popsicle sticks have many uses. Just like gates and doors. Someone thought it was an art installation.

Cynthia: But this stolen art bike will be worthless–no provenance!

Stephen: You know, the best gifts are the ones you make yourself. This year, give the gift of a homemade bicycle. Made of balsa wood and twist ties.

GST: Grandma in her bicycle confectionery.

Adam: This wasn’t theft, it was criticism.

An 18-year-old female student was a victim of a water gun attack. The victim reported on Sept. 20 that someone shot at her with a water gun and ruined her new hymn book. The victim was walking home from tunnel singing just south of the Marriot Center when the water gun was squirted. The suspects were apprehended and will replace the hymn book and make restitution. No criminal harges have been made.

Adam: Cgarages? Chargees? Ohhhhhhh, charges!

Cynthia: Ruined her hymn book? I think I hear the world’s smallest violin…

GST: I saw this on an episode of The Wire.

GST: Adam, I just added you to my contact list at http://www.findmespot.com. So you’ll get updates from my personal satellite tracking beacon when I’m camping this weekend. Good for you.

Adam: If I’m ever attacked by water-armed suspicious males, I’ll take comfort knowing exactly where you are.

Adam: How many suspects does it take to fire a water gun? Two.

GST: On and on and on til the breaka breaka dawn.

Adam: One to replace the hymn book, one to make restitution.

Stephen: you know, those tunnel singers are disturbing. Did you ever get roped into that? Only the most desperate of males do it in hopes of a pious NCMO.

Adam: No comment. I’m sick of this negative campaigning.

Cynthia: wait, so, this is a regular thing? People stand around campus singing hymns?

GST: No. The only thing I ever did in a tunnel at BYU was tolchock some bums with my droogs.

Stephen: nicely played.

Adam: The problem with tunnel singing is that it’s only on Sundays. They need Wednesday’s for country. Tuesdays for techno. And Mondays for Lambada, the Forbidden Dance.

GST: [good one]

Adam: Hopefully that would give these desperate squirt-gun youths something better to do than molest hymnbooks and scale the temple walls. Anyway, this might be hard for a Canadian to understand, but squirt guns don’t squirt people. People squirt people.

Stephen: Riff over. The Artful Dodger comes to BYU!

At Cougar Stadium Saturday afternoon, a boy was assaulted by a man at the BYU-San Jose St. football game. Police said the boy spilled his cup of icewater and got the man wet and he attempted to clean up the mess with his coat. Police said the man grabbed the boy and shook him. Police said the boy spilled again on another man later on who grabbed his nose and told him to stop. The case is still under investigation.

Adam: Hey, what’s the rush! I wasn’t done riffing.

GST: Perhaps he spilled on the second man because the first man was shaking him. Boy can’t hold his drink still, what with all of the vigorous shaking by large men.

Cynthia: I’m disappointed. For this even to be truly spectacular, it needed to go at least one more round of spilling.


Adam: You can lead a boy by the nose, but you can’t make him drink.

Cynthia: But you can make him spill. (again)

Stephen: Nose-grabbing has gone by the wayside. It has a whimsical quality. “Look, I’ve got your nose!” It also suggests that this boy has a huge honker.

Adam: I box ears. I’m a historic preservationist that way.

Stephen: Also good. GST is a ‘nut-puncher’ type of fellow.

GST: As for nut punching, I say, “Come and get one in the yarbles, if ye have any yarbles, ye jelly eunuch thou.”

Adam: When blood trickles out I say, ‘quit whining. Those are the ruptured ear drums of history.”

GST: Society for the Preservation of Arcane Corporal Punishments.


GST: Seriously, though, can we agree that this kid had it coming? Next.

Adam: If only he’d been raised in an LDS home. Water won’t melt the San Jose fans, kid. That’s liberal propaganda.

An employee of the snack bar by the indoor track of the Smith Field House observed a male individual watching her for most of the day. When she asked him to leave he disappeared and she began to discuss the man with a fellow food service employee. The man then reappeared and warned her not to talk about him behind his back. A verbal confrontation ensued and continued when the man came back several times throughout the day. The man later threw the contents of an orange juice container on the employee and ran away.

Stephen: Again, we learn the valuable lesson of not screwing around with Frank McIntyre.

Adam: Assuming that “the contents of an orange juice container” = orange juice. Maybe I should say ‘alleged orange juice.’

Stephen: It tested positive for Juice.

GST: It was an orange, liquid substance.

Stephen: It might have been Tang.

Adam: Microwave it to check for anthrax.

Cynthia: The real crime here is time theft. That woman was “discussing” the guy with another employee *while on the clock.* For shame.

GST: That burns me about Police Beat, by the way. They will describe the discovery of a “powdery substance.” There’s a word in English for that powdery substance: powder.

Stephen: Hey, don’t be a hater. This time the O.J. has been convicted.

Adam: PB is taking a philosophical position about the nature of being. I’d explain it to you, but I haven’t finished my course in Aristotelian criminalistics.

A male assaulted a female in Wymount Terrace laundry room #5 Tuesday at 9:07 a.m. The suspect entered the laundry facility and was wrapping something around an object in his hand. The victim was already in the facility and thought the suspect was female.

Police report the male approached the victim and pressed something to her neck. The suspect said he had a gun and not to move. The victim then screamed and ran out of the facility and fled in a small 1980s model pickup truck. Witnesses said the incident appeared to be two females fighting.

The suspect is described as a white male, fair complexion, 5’7″ to 5’8″, slender build, 120 lbs., in his early 30s, long blond straight hair, with dark eye makeup, and femininely dressed.

Cynthia: er…. what?

Adam: Good thing that pickup truck was a small, 1980s model.

GST: Am I dim, or is this the most impenetrable police blotter entry ever written?

Adam: GST: both.

Stephen: zing!

GST: Fine, so long as the question is cleared up.

Stephen: So let me get this straight: the police have neither the suspect nor victim?

Cynthia: I think this is just an exceptionally bad retelling of the last 10 minutes of Psycho.

Adam: How did they know he was male? Maybe I shouldn’t ask.

GST: Adam, I grew up on a farm. We have our ways.

Stephen: Femininely dressed. You know, like with a plaid vest.

Cynthia: zing!!

GST: Adam, don’t take crap about your vest.

Stephen: Oh, he done took it.

Adam: [titters]
[girlish sigh]
[holds gun to Steven’s neck]

Stephen: [screams and runs out to late 80s small truck]

A piano teacher observed a nine-year-old boy and his mother striking each other and wrestling on the ground in front of Wymount Terrace when the boy refused to go to his piano lesson on Jan. 14. The incident was reported to the Utah Division of Family Services.

Cynthia: Striking isn’t effective with a size mismatch like this. Should have gone for the armbar. Or a RNC.

Adam: Can a mother be removed from the custody of her child?

Stephen: The song goes “Love At Home.” It don’t say nothin’ about a little discipline out on the public sidewalk by Wymount.

GST: When I was 8, my dad bought me a leather sap, just in case my mother ever tried to make me go to piano lessons.

Adam: Honey, if I can take you two falls out of three, you’ll go, OK? I wonder how much my kids could make taking in foster parents from the state?

Also, fear of tickling the ivories–it needs a phobia name. Tinklephobe?

Cynthia: Adam, I’m pretty sure that’s something else entirely.

Stephen: Ivoiriphobia.

GST: glenngouldaphobia.

Adam: Plunkaphobe.

Stephen: billyjoelaphobia.

Adam: Ma, its not nine o’clock on a saturday!

On Jan. 15 at 8:25 a.m. an unidentified male standing on a stairwell in the Abraham O. Smoot Administation Building told a BYU employee passing below that “What happened at the Triad (KSL’s studio) is nothing compared to what’s going to happen here.” The individual then fled. University Police searched the building and posted officers throughout the Administration Building. The suspect was described as a 21-22 year old white male wearing a black stocking cap and a blue windbreaker.

Adam: What happened at the Triad (KSL’s studio)?

Stephen: Beats me, but it sounds AWESOME. That’s the last time they invite David Duchovny on campus.

Cynthia: you know, I’m starting to think that most of PBR is just a conspiracy by the police officer’s union to create “work” to keep themselves employed. Exhibit A: this report.

GST: KSL is in league with Chinese gangsters, apparently.

Adam: This is Chinatown.

GST: By the way, you know a caper is underfoot when the fellow shows up in his black stocking cap.

Adam: And threatens stairwell mayhem.

Stephen: That’s the first thing they teach you in Campus Cop Camp.

Adam: 101–distinguishing knit caps from stocking caps. That, and officer posting.

Stephen: 102–bear claw eateries.

GST: Flow chart: Stocking cap? Yes—TASE THAT MOFO.

Stephen: More Santas get tased on campus than anywhere else in UT, south of Logan.

Adam: Stalking cap? That’s more ambiguous. It’s either a suspicious male or Sherlock Holmes.

GST: That Billy Joel song has the laziest rhyme in all of pop music.

Stephen: Apparently the New York state of mind is that of sheer musical inanity.

Adam: Worse than ‘ambiguous’ and ‘Sherlock Holmes.’

GST: Do you know which I mean?

Adam: I’m psychic, so yeah.

Cynthia: GST, what are you talking about?

GST: You suck. Evans?

Stephen: I don’t care, really, so long as you out yourself as a Joel fan.

GST: “Davy, who’s still in the Navy”

Stephen: and probably will be for life!

Adam: At least he doesn’t drive a late 80’s small model pickup.

A student employee driving a paint truck accidently ran over another student Tuesday at Wymount Terrace. The students were painting a wall and after finishing, they began to engage in horseplay. The victim hid under the truck. Another student then got into the truck and accidently ran over the victim. The injured student was rushed to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center and is listed in stable condition.

Stephen: First of all, Daily Universe, SPELL CHECK. “accidently”????? Supposibly that’s now a real word!

GST: The wages of horseplay.

Cynthia: Let this be a lesson to all.

Adam: I need a flowchart to keep track of all these students. Apparently Student A and Student B were on strike, so we get these anonymous scabs. No details on the paint truck?

Stephen: GST, was it a highly explosive paint truck, where they had to drive it over a rocky mountain road?

GST: Once, when I was at BYU. I was tricked into painting a wall by a painter who made it look like fun. Also, he agreed to eat my apple for me.

Adam: And he showed you his ‘scab.’

Cynthia: um, ew. Seriously, ew.

Stephen: I gotta say, hiding under the truck is high-risk, for sure, but they’re not gonna catch you there, no way.

Adam: And since all the police are elsewhere, posted around the ASB, you can’t take too many precautions.

Stephen: Like that one time I hid in the printing press. I paid the price — I admit it — but I won the hide-and-go-seek championship.

Adam: What was the price? $40? Because that kid wants his homemade bike back.

Stephen: $40 and an arm. But again, I was the CHAMP.

GST: Steve, were you a hide and seek world champ? Post the pic.

Stephen: There are no pics, GST. Nice try though — you’re not gonna trip up the Champ with a rookie mistake like that.

Adam: Steve was a homemade world champ. That’s even better.

Cynthia: Was it a balsa wood printing press? With twist ties?

Stephen: Final round was between me and Ricky Schroeder. I hid in the printing press, he hid in a dying career. I must admit his was more imaginative.

Adam: Comment about butts and printing presses self-censored. I can’t even think if Schroeder is the guy I think he is, anyway.

Stephen: Silver Spoons! and of course the movie, The Champ.

Adam: And Maverick.

GST: Are we done yet?

Stephen: we’re so done.


  1. Bro Jones says:

    I am the first to comment!
    PS I love the Police beat round table. Awesome!

  2. bro jones you’re doing it wrong. First commenters are to say “First!” and that is all.


  3. First!

  4. nothing on the intertubes is sadder that the “first!” FAIL.

  5. I just know that Stephen could be a movie star. That is, if he could get out of this place.

  6. Fifth!

  7. SIXTH!

  8. Ah, crap.

  9. hmm. maybe not.

  10. Rebecca, I like the way your mind works. Either that, or I’m on an episode of Candid Camera. I haven’t quite figured out which, just yet.

  11. Bro Jones says:

    Re #1 thru #3
    I am truly sorry for my sophomoric and failed attempt and being first, and I bow in the general direction of Cynthia L.

  12. Bro Jones says:

    So… now for a comment about PBR…
    I have adaughter going to BYU next year. Do I need to sit down with her and have “the talk”.

    You know, the one about beware of suspicious males driving small ’80s pickups, men with alleged OJ containers, or hormonal boys bearing ice water cups?

  13. Answer: YES.

  14. Your bowing is duly acknowledged, Bro.Jones.

    So far people in this thread are 0/3 on calling their number. I suspect that record will only get worse before this thread wraps up.

  15. Researcher says:

    Bravissimo! That may be the best PBR so far!

  16. Bro. Jones, you should also have the talk with boys and warn them about the waitresses practicing politics.

  17. Adam Greenwood says:

    I told Steve E. to edit out all the sucky parts so we sounded funny. Instead he edited me to sound even stupider than I was.

    Which is kind of funny when you think about it. Good work, Steve!

  18. Steve Evans says:

    “Instead he edited me to sound even stupider than I was.”

    I never said it would be easy.

  19. Loved it! My favorite comment:

    Stephen: Hey, don’t be a hater. This time the O.J. has been convicted.

    Priceless. =)

  20. The victim then screamed and ran out of the facility and fled in a small 1980s model pickup truck.

    Am I the only one who read that sentence to mean that the victim fled in something like this?

  21. Steve Evans says:

    I dedicate that line to FHL.

  22. The funniest part was when Steve claimed to drive a truck of some kind. That’s just not possible.

  23. BTW, what’s with not knowing what happened at Triad? Don’t you people have any contacts in SLC? Do I have to explain Trolley Square to you as well?

  24. 24th!

  25. Steve Evans says:

    kuri FTW.

  26. The suspect said he had a gun and not to move. The victim then screamed and ran out of the facility…

    What we have here is failure to communicate.
    Or the inability to follow simple instructions.

    A student employee driving a paint truck accidently ran over another student Tuesday at Wymount Terrace. The students were painting a wall and after finishing, they began to engage in horseplay. The victim hid under the truck. Another student [screamed and ran out of the facility], then got into the [small 1980s model pickup] truck and accidently ran over the victim.

    There. I filled in some necessary details.

  27. Sorry to make the police beat sound semi-respectable, but in 1999 a gunman (woman, actually) shot a bunch of people at the Triad center saying she was looking for a KSL reporter and killed an employee at another company in the building. So, this was actually a real threat.

  28. Kevin Barney says:

    I love that they didn’t feel the need to explain what “tunnel singing” is.

    And Cynthia, how the heck do you know about arm bars and RNCs?! Are you an MMA fan? I think I’m falling in love…

  29. Markie, that’s a dour note.

  30. Kevin Barney says:

    btw, the suspect in the Wymount assault sounds suspiciously like one Steve Evans…

  31. Amazing.

  32. #18 – but it was worth it.

  33. Sorry, don’t mean to be a downer. I only remember it because my aunt worked in the building and was there (hiding under her desk) at the time. You may now return to your regularly scheduled (and justified) ridicule of everything else.

  34. Well that’s not funny at all, killjoy!

  35. A student reported suffering a dislocated shoulder following a miscalculated high-five.

    This is why I always pull out my graphing calculator when contemplating a high five (the calculator on my cell phone suffices for a low five)

  36. Adam Greenwood says:

    No, Christopher, you are not alone.

  37. #28–right back at ya, Kev.

    I don’t know if you could call me an MMA fan exactly. Mostly I’m into it for the semi-naked hot dudes (helloooooo, Rickson!). Brother Blah 2 trains in BJJ, so I know whereof I speak about the mismatch size and doing an armbar–BB2 has trained our 3-year-old daughter and she’ll get you in a mean one if she’s feeling feisty and your arm is accessible.

  38. yay Kuri! :-)

  39. At Cougar Stadium Saturday afternoon, a boy was assaulted by a man at the BYU-San Jose St. football game.

    Ummm. What year was this again? I don’t see a BYU San Jose State game in the schedule.

    BTW – regarding the weird woman like man. We did that sexual offenders check and there actually is someone fitting that description who was actually a woman and was locked up in the State Mental Hospital. According to the sexual offenders registry she’d raped quite a few people.

    Sometimes there some pretty scary truth behind the stories. I remember when I was at BYU we all made fun of the “Brett Snipper” stories in the police beat. (Someone was in the library cutting parts of women’s clothing when they were alseep). It turned out, I found out later, there was some seriously nasty stuff going on in the library and quite a few assaults that never made the paper.

    i.e. not to be a downer but assaults aren’t funny.

  40. John Hamer says:

    Is it possible to have too much fun writing a blog post? You guys are certainly testing the limits.

  41. Steve Evans says:

    “i.e. not to be a downer but assaults aren’t funny.”

    Nor are some commenters, apparently!

  42. Adam Greenwood says:

    Assaults aren’t funny? Woah. I’ve been seriously misinterpreting all those ladies who say they look for a sense of humor in a man. Thanks, Clark.

  43. 43rd!

  44. Bro. Jones says:

    #1 is NOT me.

    Another great roundup. Man, I’m glad I didn’t go to BYU: my university’s police roundup included real crimes, like stabbings, rapes, and grand larceny. Crimes in the mission field are SO much more exciting.

  45. 45th.

    One has to wonder why they publish these Police Beats. They are ridiculous and have been ridiculous for decades.

  46. Steve Evans says:

    Danithew, we’re only been doing it a few weeks! Don’t be so mean!

  47. Adam Greenwood says:

    But it seemed like decades.

  48. Eric Russell says:

    danithew, your second sentence is the answer to your first.

  49. My criticism was of the Daily Universe and its ability to print these police beats for decades. These BCC: posts are the only sane response …

    [I am the meanest person in the Bloggernacle.]

  50. 50th

  51. My other Brother Jones says:

    Not to threadjack…
    But it appears there may be two (2) Brothers Jones commenting here. I am not sure who owns the title to the moniker so I shall turn the other cheek, as it were, and change my name to “My other Brother Jones”

    Brother Jones, I bow in your general direction.

  52. You guys are sure taking the water gun assault far too glibly. This is a serious issue. Do you know how many hymnals are ruined each year by water gun incidents? It’s significant. And some people don’t get reimbursed! I’m hoping the State Legislature will take up this issue. I of course have a concealed water gun permit, but I would never take out a hymnal unless I was provoked first (for example if someone tried to rhyme “God” with “sod”). I’m just saying there are some things that should be joked about and somethings not. Try me on Marching Band or Wolverine pelts and see what happens.

  53. SteveP, I have nothing against victims of water gun violence. Some of my best friends are victims of water gun violence! I tolerate them. I tolerate them with all my heart.

  54. Waterboarding hymnals or dousing hymnals with water pistols. It’s torture. Simple as that.

  55. Adam Greenwood says:

    Hymnals are not covered by the Geneva Convention, bolshevik.

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