Police Beat Roundtable #9

The ninth installment of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here and here, here, and here, and here.

A female student walking on East Campus Drive was hit in the back by a substance similar to chocolate pudding. The victim was unable to identify the suspects but said they may have been driving a red four-door car. The victim said the impact of the chocolate pudding hurt her back but did not require medical attention.

Cynthia: erhm… that would be poop then?
GST: Exactly how was it like chocolate pudding? Was it delicious?
Steve: We need anthrax dude and his microwave.
Cynthia: more existential substance descriptions!
Steve: How does a pudding snack hurt one’s back? Was it like a Hefty bag filled with frozen pudding?
Steve: Still, mad props to the driver of that little red Corolla to wedge a Hefty bag of pudding out the window while driving.
GST: It was in a syringe.
Cynthia: good aim, I’ll give him that much.
GST: And good taste. Truly, the chocolate pudding is the King of Snacks.
Cynthia: I think to calculate how much the pudding hurt, we need some physics. Help me out
— so speed of car was, what, say 35 mph? Then the pudding, let’s say 8oz?
Steve: enough of this pseudo-science!
Cynthia: Don’t interrupt a genius at work, Steve…..now if we can just figure out the breed of swallow I think we’re set….

A witness observed a male that was naked from the waist down driving a red Toyota sedan at noon Feb. 11 on West Campus Drive. The victim described the suspect as a white male in his early 30s with wavy brown hair. The victim said the length of the suspect’s hair violated the Honor Code.

GST: Uh… the Honor Code regulates the length of pubic hair?
Steve: “Wavy” doesn’t really rule it down in that case.
Cynthia: uh….wow.
GST: And who really is a victim here? Driving pantsless is a victimless crime.
Cynthia: so is this the same guy as the pudding guy?
Steve: The witness’ observations of the male were obscured by a large Hefty bag sitting in the passenger seat.
Cynthia: …cuz that makes the pudding a lot more gross…
Steve: way to drive the PBR right down to the cellar, Cynthia.
GST: No kidding. You sicken me.
Steve: DISGUSTING. Now — back to the pubes.
Cynthia: sniff….fine….I’m taking my ball and going home.
Steve: your ball of pudding?

A female witness observed a naked man standing in the lobby of the de Jong Concert Hall. After observing the suspect, the victim ducked behind a cement pillar and screamed. The victim had to leave for an appointment but asked her friend to keep watch. The victim’s friend later observed the suspect, now with his clothes on, re-enter the building through an emergency door. She described him as a white male, 6-feet, 2-inches tall, weighing approximately 180 pounds. The suspect was wearing a brightly colored Hawaiian shirt. Officers searched the area and could not find the suspect.

GST: Her description could have been a lot more florid, I should think.
Steve: The whole thing falls apart once the friend comes in to take 2nd watch of the de Jong Streaker.
GST: Also, let’s grant that you are “victimized” by seeing this naked dude. What does the victim do? She makes sure her friend is similarly victimized! “I’m a victim of having to look at this naked man. Here, you watch him while I get help!”
Cynthia: Misery loves company! Yeah so, he was in the lobby, then the next thing he’s re-entering the lobby? When did he leave the lobby? I am so confused.
Steve: it’s like when the milk has gone bad in your fridge, and you ask your spouse to sniff it as well.
GST: I presume that he came from the future to save or kill John Connor, and was therefore momentarily naked.
Steve: (in Austrian accent) “Give me your hawaiian shirt if you want to live.”
Cynthia: you’re lucky that Sumer only asks you to sniff it, I ask the Mr. to taste it.

Sixty-four MBZ of memory was taken from a Macintosh G4 tower computer in the BYU Bookstore between 11:40 and 11:55 a.m. on Friday. There are no suspects.

Cynthia: What’s a MBZ?
Steve: It’s Japanese. Stands for Marmot-Ball Z. Extremely powerful Marmot magic balls.
Cynthia: props to the l33t shoplifting skillz of opening the case in the store though.
GST: There are no suspects because the investigation went like this: “Who stole your memory?” “I don’t remember.”
Steve: It was that Austrian in the Hawaiian shirt, driving a red Corolla.
Cynthia: Super Saiyan shoplifting skills?
Steve: Yes. The fate of teh Mormon manga universe rests in that lame-ass G4.
GST: I don’t know what you nerds are talking about. Maybe Ivan Wolfe can explain it to me in the comments.
Cynthia: awesomely relevant pic here btw.
Steve: Either Ivan Wolfe or John Hamer.

Sometime between the hours of 5:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m on January 24, an unknown person or persons left a 50 gallon barrel of hazardous waste on the loading dock of the chemical plant. The waste was tested to be some kind of solvent waste like a grease removing liquid used by mechanics to clean automobile parts. It was contained in a rusty barrel plugged with a shop rag. This appears to be an off-campus organization that wants BYU to pay to get rid of their chemical waste. BYU had to pay $100 to $200 to get it disposed of. If anyone sees suspicious persons unloading anything after hours, they are urged to contact University Police at 378-2222.

GST: I thought that the only institution that relied on BYU to accept their waste was BYU-Idaho.
[I don’t know if that joke works. But there’s a joke there somewhere. Help me out.]
Cynthia: no, I’d rather watch you FAIL
GST: That’s cool too.
Steve: I thought the off-campus org with chemical waste was that cheapo beauty school just south of campus. Along with social and spiritual waste in the form of its students.
GST: I remember that beauty school.
Steve: you got their cheapy tester haircuts?
Cynthia: maybe it was just delivered to the wrong place, it was supposed to go to the BYU studios, to be a prop in a PSA about watching R movies or something. I went to a beauty school once to get highlights. Let’s just say that was the last time.
Steve: It was probably to be shipped to the BYU Dairy as the secret ingredient in their highly tasty (but highly suspicious) chocolate milk.
GST: I go to the dentist to read Highlights.
Steve: That explains your teeth.

On Wednesday, March 29 at 1:45 a.m., officers were dispatched to Helaman Halls to investigate an explosion outside Budge Hall. When they arrived, a vehicle drove up and stopped in front of May hall, blasted its horn for 30 seconds, and then started to drive away. An officer waved the vehicle down and started to walk toward it. The driver put his hands on the wheel and swerved quickly around the officer, almost knocking him over. Another officer was able to pull the speeding car over. The driver was cited for evading a police officer and failing to stop for a police officer, a third degree felony. The driver will have this offense on his record and could potentially lose his car, and his insurance premiums will be sky-high, said University Police.

GST: “sky-high”!
Cynthia: “sky-high”–is that the technical term?
Steve: I gotta say, getting the campus cops to say “his insurance premiums will be sky-high” is a reporter’s dream quote.
GST: Frankly, it’s a pretty tepid reaction: “Let there be no mistake: if you try to run over and kill a BYU cop, your insurance premiums will be sky-high.”
Cynthia: the awesomest thing about this story is how all the police resources were reallocated away from catching a BOMBER to catching a guy who honked his horn too much.
Steve: Yes. The frustrating thing about this report: it starts with an EXPLOSION outside a major BYU dorm, and ends with a jump in car insurance premiums. I guess at least the driver put his hands on the wheel prior to swerving. Hard to swerve with just your knees and teeth.

On Tuesday at 2 a.m., University Police officers were dispatched to the Cannon Center in Helaman Halls. When they arrived, they found four male individuals standing around a flame of fire contained in one of BYU’s blue newspaper recycling bins. The fire was quickly distinguished by the officers, but the bin was completely destroyed. The bin is worth $100. Officers are still interviewing these individuals and they may be cited for destroying University property.

Cynthia: a “flame of fire” vs….a what of fire?
Steve: “a flame of fire.” This report was either sung by Johnny Cash or graven in the DU small plates by Nephi.
Cynthia: a gaggle of fire? a pride of fire? a herd of fire?
GST: And thus, a nascent BYU street-corner doo-wop revival was strangled in the crib.
Cynthia: officers carefully distinguished that fire from the other fires. good job, guys.
Steve: The BYU hoboes have it rough; campus cops are always putting out their sole source of heat.
Cynthia: get the jargon right, Steve–they prefer “suspicious males” to “hoboes”
GST: No “e” in hobos. They’re not musical instruments.
Steve: Are flames ever made of anything other than fire? I mean I guess the author needed to rule out the possibility that the four male individuals were standing around a Calgarian hockey player.
Cynthia: I wish they had delved deeper into the potential witchcraft angle here. Totally buried the lede.
Steve: “standing”, not “dancing” rhythmically.
Cynthia: a fire in a newspaper recycle bin–hello, burning the DU! Awesome!
GST: PBR only works when we respect the material, Cynthia.
Cynthia: maybe it was a respectful burning, a tribute burn if you will.

Officers were dispatched to the fifth floor of the Harold B. Lee Library April 25, in reference to a disorderly subject. The disorderly individual had previously been banned from campus. After claiming he was a general authority, the disorderly subject was escorted from the library and then off-campus. The individual was released and warned to not return.

Cynthia: that didn’t really work last time though, eh?
Steve: Gene R. Cook can’t get a break.
GST: Yoshiro Kikuchi is only a GA emeritus, so that doesn’t work anymore.

Continuing our ritual sacrifice theme:
A sheep was found brutalized and killed in the Ellsworth Building Pasteur, May 15. The sheep was valued at $1,000. No suspect or leads have been identified in this case, but the investigation is ongoing.

GST: Still at large: several OT patriarchs. Isn’t the word they’re looking for here “pasture”?
Steve: put out to Pasteur means you get whacked then sterilized of bacteria.
Cynthia: maybe just a local woman hard up for yarn to feed the knitting habit?
GST: Also, my first 3 cars (combined) were worth less than this sheep.
Steve: The weird thing is that someone smacked that sheep up before trying to read their future in its entrails. Hey, I can understand offering an innocent creature to please Cthulu, but no need to get saucy.
GST: spelled Cthulhu.
Steve: Ah, a connoisseur of the Elder Gods. Charming! Joined “Cthulhu Worshippers Vote YES on 8” yet?
GST: By the way, you know that this wasn’t me because I didn’t leave it covered in Obama signs, like the bear.
GST: Here I should plug the excellent http://cthulhu2008.blogspot.com/
Cynthia: so confused.
Steve: StillConfused??

According to Orem officer Lt. Doug Edwards, sometime the night of June 24 vandals sprayed painted a light post, sidewalk, a garage wall and a car with pink spray paint. The vandalism occurred in the area of 200 N. 300 W. “X3” and “JHWSX3” was also painted on a business wall at 1588 N. State.

GST: That’s my ham radio callsign!
Cynthia: somebody just tricked DU into printing the super secret terror cell activation signal, now we’re all hosed.
Steve: JHWSX3 sounds like the acroynm to some horrible Jehovah’s Witness sci-fi trilogy. DUDE JHWSX3 WILL BE AMAZING!!!!!
Cynthia: maybe it was the suspect’s license plate
Steve: impossible to hunt him down!
Cynthia: somebody bet somebody that the BYU police still wouldn’t be able to solve the crime
Steve: Lt. Doug is having a lark with us all.
GST: I disassociate myself from the criticism of the BYU police.

A University Police officer was dispatched to Wyview Park at 6 p.m., June 16, after residents reported a juvenile was shooting a pellet gun toward the playground. Upon arriving, the officer found a teenage male lying in the grass in the area. The male stood up and recovered a semi-automatic handgun from under a deflated beach ball. The officer instructed the suspect to put down the gun and lie face down on the grass. He then interrogated the individual and conducted a cursory search for more weapons. The individual, from Nevada, was arrested for possession of tobacco, drug paraphernalia and a weapon. He was released to his parents and referred to Nevada juvenile authorities.

Steve: Okay, so let’s be clear — we are talking about a semi-auto PELLET GUN. Under a beach ball.
GST: Uh, no charge for shooting at kids? Police Beat writers: It would be helpful to know if there were kids at the playground.
Cynthia: it’s the standard place. Either behind the toilet at Italian restaurants, or under beach balls
GST: “I don’t want my brother coming out of the john with nothin’ but a beach ball in his hands.”
Steve: Masterfully played, Sonny. I can offer nothing to add to GST’s line, save this scripture: Neither do ye take yon pellet gun and hide it under a beach ball, but hold it towards the playground, and it doth give hilarity to all the Nevada juvenile authorities.
Cynthia: wouldn’t the arrival of the police be the time to hide the gun under the beach ball, not take it out?

An EFY student reported a male EFY student fondled her breasts and buttocks while they were dancing together in the WSC Ballroom on July 7. The incident occurred sometime between 9:40 and 11:50 p.m. The University Police questioned the suspect. The police are still reviewing the case to determine what action will be taken.

GST: The University Police eventually concluded that that was pretty much the point of EFY dances.
Cynthia: is not staying a Book of Mormon apart a crime?
Steve: Look, copping a feel during Careless Whisper is pretty plain vanilla. But when the dude is all hands during the Electric Slide, it’s time to kall the kougar kops.
Cynthia: [I got nuthin]
Steve: PS — between 9:40 and 11:50?? That’s not copping a feel, that’s two hours of heavy petting.

A Sony Discman and 39 compact discs were stolen from a locked car parked in Lot 1 around 9:45 p.m. on July 16. The valve stem of the right rear tire was also cut off. The victim was tunnel singing near at the Marriott Center tunnel when the incident occurred.

Cynthia: lolz
GST: Frickin’ tunnel singers again. They deserve what they get.
Cynthia: speculation about what can be found in the CD collection of a tunnel singer?
Steve: You can’t see anything when you’re in there, so who knows who did it. They call this restriction of line of sight “tunnel vision.”
Cynthia: I’m not imagining anything very burglary-worthy
GST: Probably a lot of Anne Murray.
Steve: That bitch.
Cynthia: anyone who would break into a car to steal CDs is just not going to be interested in the CD collection of a tunnel singer. I smell something fishy in this story.
GST: Insurance fraud?
Cynthia: some sort of elaborate plot to get a date?
Steve: Yes, the old “I smashed your window and ransacked your car. SADIE HAWKINS NEXT WEEK??? PLS REPLY”
Cynthia: it’s the beginning of a treasure hunt/puzzle — he has to follow the clues to get the CDs back
or something.
Steve: This is why you never want to get romantic with a BYU cop. Kiss your Discman goodbye.
Cynthia: I’m just sayin’, I’ve heard of much stranger things.

A 50-year-old white male left an express package at the Women’s Resource Center June 29 at 9:40 p.m. The package was for the recruiting of an individual to become his 12th wife to help him usher in the New Jerusalem. He is described as being 6 ft. tall of slight build. Individuals in the area are asked to contact police if he returns.

Cynthia: lolz!!
Steve: That was the last time they ever Roasted Tomatoes in the Women’s Resource Center.
GST: I feel for the guy. He read the sign on the building and assumed he was in the right place.
Cynthia: how many wives does it take to usher in the New Jerusalem?
Steve: It takes 12. 11 to cry about it in RS and one to GET BUSY.
Cynthia: if 11 hasn’t done the trick, might be time to explore other options. I wonder if this is related to the sheep killing?
Steve: Numbers 2-11 could have been a little more supportive, frankly. Explains why the old dude was slight of build, he’s exhausted with all the recruiting.
Cynthia: how is it an “express” package if he delivered it himself?
GST: You keep it up with those impertinent questions and see if he ever invites you to join the sister wives.
Steve: He works for the polygamous courier service, Jeffs Express: Parcels with Principle.
Cynthia: so let’s hear from you two guys–what would you put in a 12th-wife-recruitment package? Is there a helpful guide for this, like the anniversary gifts?
Steve: I don’t need to tailor my package.
Cynthia: 11 is paper or something?
GST: I think we’re done.
Steve: we’re done.
Cynthia: hm. 11th is actually Steel. what kind of gift is that?
GST: Some jackhole will invariably comment, “BEST PBR EVER!”
Steve: totally. most likely, Ray.
Cynthia: lolz
Steve: I’m keeping that in.
Cynthia: that’s so mean.


  1. FIRST!

  2. Peter LLC says:


    A worthy effort, but no, not the best PBR ever. I think that was no. 7.

  3. Maybe Ivan Wolfe can explain it to me in the comments.

    GST, it’s like Jazz. If you gotta explain it, then forget it! ;-)

  4. I don’t want to get all Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, but a few PBRs ago a guy was arrested for trying to save the BYU students from the mark of the devil found on the recycling bins. Now one has gone and burst into flames. How long will we to our own peril ignore and reject this modern day Lehi??

  5. My other Brother Jones says:


  6. Token Average Member says:


  7. Concert Hoboe says:

    No “e” in hobos. They’re not musical instruments.

    Speak for yourself, man.

  8. I don’t need to tailor my package.

    FRCP 87: You can’t act as a character witness for your own package.

  9. Being a pathetic nerd, the item on theft from the Mac in the BYU Bookstore caught my attention for these reasons:
    – 64 MB of memory is astonishingly small/old (circa 2000). I doubt it’s still sold to general consumers.
    – Macintosh G4 towers were discontinued over four years ago.
    – MBZ is for Mercedes-Benz.

    Something smells fishy. Choose one:
    – These are very old reports (what’s the URL?)
    – Somebody at Police Beat posted this as a joke
    – BYU is stuck in 2002 (still 6 Bush years left!)
    – BCC has concocted Police Beat as a satire of BYU life
    – [insert clever joke about Mercedes-Benz]

  10. Steve Evans says:

    Rich JJ, you super-sleuth! These are very old reports, always have been. We’re going through the archives.

  11. Kevin Barney says:

    So if a guy is driving a Corolla pantsless, how is the casual observer supposed to even know?

    And the way the PB item was written, it sounds like having hair too long for the honor code was the actual complaint; the half-naked thing was just setting the stage.

  12. Kevin Barney says:

    When the policeman was talking about Sky High, he meant the Disney movie by that name. It turns out the driver was actually the son of a superhero and needed to attend Sky High so as to reveal what his super powers would be.

  13. Cynthia: thanks for cueing me on the correct spelling of “lede” as in “burying the lede”

    Last story: Step 1: cut a hole in a box (package)

    Also, could someone tell me what the source of this is:

  14. Steve Evans says:

    FHL, I am glad you asked. Here.

  15. Ha! I love The Office. I also the Police Beat Roundtables. Keep up the good work!

  16. Not bad you three — I think Cynthia wins for the taste it line. But it really could have used a guest PBRer.

  17. Steve Evans says:

    Wm, guests are difficult prima donnas with scheduling headaches and outlandish demands for their green rooms.

  18. …whereas the staff work long hours for a pittance, in violation of any number of federal and state labor regulations.

  19. Hey, there is nothing outlandish about a tuxedo-wearing chimpanzee who has been trained to make nutella-filled crepes while whistling Manilow’s greatest hits. I do feel a little bit sorry, though, that your kids room has been painted New York Jets green. It’s just that it’s not a real green room if you use Ralph Lauren Alpine Pool.

  20. Paint, nothing. That’s mold.

  21. That’s what she said.

  22. Kevin Barney says:

    Steve just got tired of having to manually pick all the brown m&ms out of the dish per the contract.

  23. That and his Bedazzler broke so no more decorated PBR Roundtable #(x) denim vests to attract Adam Greenwood back for another go around.

    Should have learned to embroider, Steve.

  24. Am I the only one to notice that the flame of fire was “distinguished by the officers”? Probably gave it one of those fake honorary doctorates they pass out like candy every spring…

  25. Those aren’t fake, Chad — they come with all sorts of rights and privileges. Just like my M.A.

    Although for some reason no one was able to tell me what those rights and privileges actually are.

  26. StillConfused says:

    Glad to know I made a guest appearance. I feel so special.

  27. EFY,

    That GST comment was pretty funny. I once had a stake YM’s president tell me that the purpose of a church dance was not to create dating opportunities for P’s and L’s. In the room were several men who had dated and married women they had met at a stake youth dance in our stake many years before. We all laughed. Then I said so what else is it for then?

    Keep this stuff coming.

  28. Having recently achieved my MA myself, please pass on the info if you are able to figure out what those rights and privileges are. So far it only means that I no longer have a thesis hanging over my head.

  29. If you’d got a JD instead of that MA, Wm Morris and Chad Too, you’d know that the “rights and privileges” conferred upon you by that degree are about as much use as the “privileges and immunities” guaranteed you by Amendment XIV to the Constitution.

  30. That one story reminds me of my roommates running streaking through the tunnel while all those people were singing hymns Sunday night. I always wondered if a Police Beat article ever got written about it.

  31. Mark B., whenever someone jokes about the 9th amendment, I remember John Hart Ely from law school days:

    In sophisticated legal circles mentioning the Ninth Amendment is a surefire way to get a laugh. (“What are you planning to rely on to support that argument, Lester, the Ninth Amendment?”)

  32. We can make an exception for Sumer. But for everyone else:


  33. The de Jong Concert Hall has a lobby? I can’t picture where that is anymore for some reason. All I can remember are the fish tanks.

  34. Adam Greenwood says:

    Rich chocolatey goodness! The pudding I mean, not PBR.

    I am glad to know that the officer’s search for weapons was only cursory.

  35. @ Mark B.

    I knew I hated the Slaughterhouse cases for more reasons than one!

  36. I am a latecomer to this thread, but I was one of the four male individuals rounded up and falsely accused of starting the recycling bin flame of fire. That is, if it was the circa spring 2000 recycling bin fire and not some copycat arson.

    It was my first time seeing the justice system at work. And it really did work. Three friends and I saw the fire while leaving the Cannon Center at 2 a.m. We called the police and stuck around to keep an eye on things. (We also took our fair share of photos in the meantime.) Shortly before the police arrived a shirtless student came out from Merrill Hall claiming to have seen the fire from his room (improbable) and wanted to know what the commotion was (there wasn’t any). He pretended to be very sleepy.

    The police arrived within 5 minutes and made quick work of the fire. One officer lined up the four male individuals for one-at-a-time PPIs and told us not to talk so we couldn’t get our stories straight. The shirtless dude who I didn’t know said to me, “Don’t tell anyone, but I started the fire!” Very smart move.

    I was called in by BYU’s chief of police, who questioned me about whether I self-describe as honest. I said yes, and the interrogation ended when I ID’d the shirtless guy as the perp and repeated his confession. Later, when the BYU police called one of my friends who had a greater sense of loyalty to shirtless flamers, they threatened to make it very difficult for him to accept his pending mission call unless he squealed too. Great tactic.

  37. Kevin Barney says:

    Awesome–we get the aftermath of one of these stories! Thanks for telling the talke, Jason.

  38. Steve Evans says:

    Jason, I am very glad to get the insider’s view. I am not sure whether there have been copycat arsons, but yours was the one we discussed. As for the mysterious “shirtless flamer,” I am sure he was just stopping by on his way to the JKHB.

  39. Even later than before (and even less likely anyone cares): I found my personal, yellowed clipping of the printed DU police beat entry for the recycling bin fire this last weekend. It didn’t use the poetical phrase “flame of fire”; it just said “fire.”

    PBR is still comic gold, but it might be time for a critical text edition of the DU Police Beat archives. I nominate Royal Skousen.

  40. I care, Jason.

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