Lars Glenson speaks

As always, TWO things are ulcerating my ulcers this year. First, the abject tripe that is Ron D. Mooralactica. Our thanks go to Dirk Benedict for expressing TRUTH, viz. that Ron D. Moore has sold Battlestar for a mess of blue milk. Anti-men and anti-American, no true PATRIOT or SCI-FI lover will be sad to see the end of man-Starbuck and her angels of doom. Of course, that perennial sadist Moore has already foisted CRAPRICA on us. Teenage girls trapped in cylon bodies? You must be joking. 

Alas, Ron D. Moore knows no humor.

On to that second goat of the year, the annual conference of the Mormon Minutiae Association. I see that it is in Springfield, Illinois. What, is Nauvoo too EXPENSIVE for you? Lost all your money on your Signature Books investment? Spent out this year buying up copies of the Joseph Smith Papers yawnathon to give to all your friends? (Need I mention that a prophet already gave us all we need to know about Joseph Smith. It’s called TPJS, idiots, which for you lot spells The Preening of Judas Scholars.)

So, Springfield. What a laugh. Where the HELL is Springfield? I mean, if you’re not going to have it in Nauvoo, you might as well meet somewhere in Illinois that people can actually get to. Like Chicago. Next year: MHA meets in Kirtland except actually in Bowling Green. 2011: Palmyra/Buffalo.

Also, note to Mormon nerds: Lincoln hated you. Spit on Springfield while you can.

Has anyone seen the program? First up, I offer the following nugget from the Juvenile Delinquent blog:

The panel I’m a part of with Paul Reeve and Stan Thayne has moved to 2B, Friday 2:00 to 3:30 pm. It had been on Saturday.  Presumably (we haven’t gotten any definite word), our panel switched with Chris, Ed and Mark Brown’s panel, which would place them in our old spot of 6A.

Got it. 2B to 6A. Who do you think you are, NONA GAPRINDASHVILI? (Nod there to man-Starbuck.) I hear Mark Brown is talking about Mormons in New Orleans or something. There are NO Mormons in New Orleans, dummy.

Then there are the titles, with their pretentious little pre-colonic ditties. I give you:

Christopher C. Jones, “The Un-gathered: The Religious Lives of Mormons in the American South, 1875-1910.”

Why not, “This paper will talk about Latter-day Saints in the American South a long time ago. But before it does, I will give you some theoretical BS in the first three pages to mask what the rest of the paper will do, viz. read verbatim from boring old journals”? I’ll say what you’re all thinking: why, oh why cannot Jones talk about the Un-DEAD? What’s that you say? Stephanie Meyer already did? Yes, and she made MONEY from doing so. How much money are MHA paying you? NOTHING. Lousy presiderer you are.

Kudos to Bowman for settling for:

Matt Bowman, “An Approach to Mormon Worship, 1830-2008.”

Although who the HELL wants to hear about 178 years of Mormon worship? Tell you what, Bowman, I’ll see you for THREE hours on Sunday. What the HELL else do we need to know about Mormon worship? And anyway, have you been doing your home teaching while writing this 178 years of Mormon worship? Doubtful.

My spies shall report throughout this ASS of a conference. More later.


  1. Awesome. I am so excited.

  2. CS Eric says:

    I’ve missed you, Lars. Welcome back. Your posts are always entertaining.

  3. Peter LLC says:

    Next year: MHA meets in Kirtland except actually in Bowling Green.

    Sounds like RyanAir had a hand in organizing this gabfest.

  4. Randall says:

    Bitter has never been more refreshing.

  5. The “theoretical BS” section of my paper actually takes up about 5 pages, not 3.

  6. StillConfused says:

    I didn’t understand most of the post but thought it was great nonetheless.

  7. I do not even know what half this post was about but was laughing my head of anyway. love it.

  8. that would be off, not of. whoopsie.

  9. If you are confused, this may help.

  10. Alas, Lars Glenson’s previous posts have not survived the port to the new server.

  11. Awesome!

  12. I am glad that SOMEONE is speaking the TRUTH. SOMEWHERE!!! Heaven BLESS you Lars ‘MAN with the FACTS” Glenson. Yeah, Springfield, HAR HAR HAR. Who’s speaking? Homer?!!!! And CRAPRICA! HAR HAR HAR. I get it! very funny! You ROCK Lars.

  13. Norman! Yes, mother?

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