John C. and Scott B. collaborate to bring us another installment of BCC Labs.
Dear Sisters of the Church,
While we here at BCC Labs are deeply concerned with the ongoing conversations found in the Daily Universe, we are also multitasking. This is thanks to our development of a robot named Millie, who does most of the cleaning, and to a system for connecting computers together by giving them unique addresses and encouraging them to connect to new computers (for a small piece of the action) that we are tentatively calling the “NuSkinternet.” We were just getting ready to leave for a very important series of experiments to be completed in Tahiti when Millie brought to our attention an item of interest, one that could radically affect the growth of the Church and the raising of the bar for missionaries. We speak, of course, of lingerie.
In the August 1971 issue of the Ensign, Millie found this article regarding creation of lingerie. The article states at the outset that,
“It is exciting and rewarding to create. The creative sense, dormant within many of us, when once awakened may lead us in many directions: to painting, poetry, music, design, sculpture, or to more practical arts related to homemaking, such as cooking and sewing. The making of lovely lingerie can be a delightful new experience. Here creativity has few bounds.”
The making and wearing of lingerie is one of the talents that our Heavenly Father has given to women, like painting, playing the piano, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan. O, Ye Sisters in Zion, it is imperative that you make and wear lingerie, as the article suggests, so that you cannot be accused of burying or covering your talents (by which we do not imply any sort of double entendre) and then be thrust down to hell. One of the most important commandments addressed by the article is the doctrine of self-sufficiency. For the sisters to enter into the devil’s playground and purchase lingerie from profane providers fails to demonstrate their unique talents as daughters of God. That lingerie is holiest which is hand-sewn, white and delightsome, and virtuous. And by virtuous, we mean modest. And by modest, we mean ankle-length night gowns with long sleeves in place of some unruly maid outfit.
Naturally, you may be concerned about the change in response that may potentially come from replacing your slinky negligee with a flannel smock. However, this is because, in your own fallen and lustful state, you have entirely misunderstood the simplicity of healthy, intimate arousal in men. Recent studies conducted in the sacred confines of BCC Labs have shown that for Mormon men (as well as those non-Mormon guys you’re hoping to convert), modesty is way smokin’ hot. For example, 8 out of 10 males in the bloggernacle prefer hand-woven muumuu’s that cover in excess of 87% of the female body over that naughty little number you only pull out of the drawer on Labor Day. “It’s a fundamental law of economics and the gospel that more is preferred to less,” says Frank, an economist and expert on gender issues in the bloggernacle. “That law applies to food, movies, and keeping the commandments found within the Ensign.” Naturally, Frank asserts, this would include skin coverage in lingerie. “Unless the lingerie is made of flaxen cord, of course,” he warns with a knowing look. “Best to avoid that, because eventually those cords become chains.”
Not everyone agrees. Occasional bloggernacle personality Ray emerged from seclusion this week to express his dismay that this could become an issue in the church. “When it comes to lingerie, there should be no difference between the opaque and the sheer. Can’t we just be happy with all the possibilities of transparency and opacity that our Lord has provided?” he griped. “I don’t care if it’s racey, and I don’t support any ban on racey lingerie.”
One of the nicest nuggets of truth nestled in the article is that, because modern women “have taken to the idea of making their own, or their daughters’ lingerie,” creating your unmentionables can now be an inter-generational family activity. Is there a more wholesome and edifying sight in all of Zion than a mother and daughter, seated around a sewing table, preparing lingerie together? We can all imagine the joy and peace felt when, perhaps on her wedding night, a daughter first puts on the lingerie that she and her mother made together. These are the things that will bind our families together for generations.
What is more, no longer does grandma need to feel awkward at the sight of the sinful offerings that so frequently are found giftwrapped at bridal showers. Instead, that other oft-used bridal shower activity–quilting–can be replaced with lingerie sewing. Imagine the joy and sisterhood that results from multiple generations of righteous women chortling about fabric and color combinations (according to the article, “Combining two colors or a print and a plain fabric can be very effective“) in preparation for the wedding night!
Of course, the article is not solely focused on encouraging the development of new bodies for as yet unborn spirit children. For those fashion mavens amongst the faithful, the article wisely suggests that any leftover material could be used to create gowns and coats for outerwear. Just imagine the reaction when your husband sees you out in public wearing clothes made from the same cloth as those you wear in private. We are certain that this will lead to an increase in family togetherness, good will, and devotion. (Not to mention the fact that, if you choose a simple white nylon tricot, your friends, neighbors, and new converts can use your lingerie for Stake baptisms!)
For those sisters who are hesitant to keep this new commandment because it will increase the burden of the other grand female commandments–washing clothes, ironing, and cooking–let not your weary hearts be troubled. According to the article, homemade lingerie will “wash easily, dry quickly, and require little or no ironing. They are wrinkle resistant and tend to return to their original shape after laundering.” Thus, you’ll have plenty of time to finish the housework, make your lingerie, and still get dinner on the table before DH comes home.
Finally, because no BCC Labs analysis is complete without an out-of-context quote, we provide the following:
“Baste from the front side.”
HT to BCC reader Jon for the original 1971 photo from the Ensign!