The nineteenth installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
This week: an Advent treasure for you all, as we are joined (at various moments) by GST, Matt Page, “Brunhilde”, Ken Jennings, and Aaron Brown. Ronan also joined us, but his profane comments were all left on the cutting room floor (foreshadowing, perhaps, the fate of England in Group C).
From a window in Chipman Hall, a male student exposed his buttock to two University police officers who were in the area on foot patrol Nov. 30 at 11:22 p.m. A female student who witnessed the incident identified the suspect and a $300 citation was given.
Brunhilde: Which buttock?
Ken: He only had one. Monobuttockism is a serious medical problem.
Aaron: I’d pay $300 to see a buttock. Not this guy’s though.
Brunhilde: She identified him how? Never mind. I don’t want to know.
Ken: It sounds as though the spectator might have received the fine. For sullying her virtue by what she saw.
Aaron: can you expose one buttock without exposing the other? tricky.
Steve: Here’s what gets me: some guy moons the cops, and they force a passerby to do the heavy lifting.
Aaron: I lived in Chipman, and trust me, we were all too nerdy to dare moon anybody.
Steve: Private dancer, a dancer for $300 citations….
Aaron: for $300, I definitely want more than one buttock.
Ken: For $300 I would throw in the second buttock for free.
Aaron: I’d pay each of you $300 not to show me your buttocks.
On Feb. 9 at the BYU basketball game, a male student was hit in the face with a promotional basketball. The ball broke the student’s glasses and the student received a cut above the eyebrow. BYU Risk Management has decided to pay for the student’s glasses.
Aaron: should’ve told the geek to wear contacts.
Brunhilde: Was the cut lightning-bolt shaped?
Ken: What is BYU risk management? Some task force that gets called in to intercede when the cheer squad draws blood?
Steve: In unrelated news, on Feb. 10 at the BYU track and field game, a male student was hit in the face with a promotional shot-put.
Ken: You guys can laught at Mr. Monobrow, but remember: this is how Maude Flanders died.
Steve: (pours out Courvoisier)
Ken: Leave a forty on the curb for Maud. And this dude’s now hideously deformed eyebrow.
Brunhilde: How is a promotional basketball identified, and how many buttocks does it have?
Ken: I bet this kind of thing happens a lot. The thicker and more unwieldy your glasses are, the less likely you are to be able to catch a basketball.
Steve: I thought it was nice of BYU to pay for the glasses, in exchange for a complete waiver by the student of all other liabilities and medical expenses.
Aaron: what do glasses-wearing geeks care about basketball anyway?
Steve: His face pulverized by a basketball shot into his visage by a cannon, and the University generously picks up the tab for the specs. Kudos! All that remains is the $150,000 plastic surgeon bill.
Brunhilde: Who threw the ball, and why aren’t they paying?
Steve: Cosmo could not be identified.
Ken: I pretty much have a PBR macro for this by now but, one more time: “WHY IS THIS IN POLICE BEAT?!?”
Steve: A suspicious-looking cougar was questioned by police.
On Feb. 24 at 10a.m., a 19-year-old female student riding her bicycle tried to pass a pedestrian on the sidewalk, but while swerving hit an emergency telephone pole. The student suffered abrasions on her arm, but no other injuries.
Aaron: what is an emergency telephone pole?
Brunhilde: Was the pole injured?
Steve: Nothing we say will be funnier than the image of that dolt smacking into the pole.
Ken: A regular telephone pole turns into an emergency telephone pole when you crash your bike into it. EMERGENCY!
Brunhilde: Did she use the phone to call 911?
Aaron: perhaps she was making a pass at a pedestrian, and she crashed into his “pole.”
Steve: his Polish friend, you mean?
Ken: I like how if you scrape up your arm on your bike you make the Daily Universe. It’s like the little fake-news newspaper the March sisters make in their attic in Little Women.
GST: As in the Indy 500, pole position is everything.
Steve: GST’s back! OK, Aaron, go away.
GST: You’re nothing but back-up gsts.
Ken: Do you have relations with them, like Ray Charles and his backup singers?
(Aaron Brown leaves)
Ken: Wow, I didn’t think they’d really leave. Took his promotional basketball and went home.
Steve: Me neither, but the train wreck makes for excellent blog verité.
Between March 4 and 5, in building B66, a 22-year-old male student working on an art project took off all of his clothing and hung them up on a rack on the second floor. When he returned six hours later, his clothes, which also contained his wallet and keys, were stolen. The articles are valued at $180.
Brunhilde: But you can’t put a price on his virtue.
Steve: I’d rather he come home in a pine box than without his art project.
Ken: Since BYU won’t let artists paint from nude models, they have nude painters working with clothed models instead.
Steve: The crazy thing is that the dude was an Economics major.
Brunhilde: A fine example of opportunity cost.
Ken: Yeah, he was an econ major. But his roommate’s name was Art.
Brunhilde: no S&G in this thread, please.
Ken: Like a bridge over troubled water, this 22-year-old student laid him down
Brunhilde: claps hands over ears
Ken: Which campus buildings have these handy racks where you can leave all your clothes during overnight naked study sessions? I was in the wrong major.
Brunhilde: what was your major, Ken?
Ken: Computer science. SHOCKER! Any nudity in the Talmage Bldg is too unpleasant to contemplate.
Steve: OK, the timing here is a little weird. This takes place “between March 4 and 5,” but he was only gone 6 hours.
Ken: The 6 hours crossed midnight. What do I win? Also, the bear he shot is white, and it’s a midget in the elevator.
Steve: We all know that’s impossible, as BYU buildings are all closed then.
Brunhilde: That’s when the Holy Ghost goes to sleep.
Steve: And the backpack is a parachute.
Ken: And Bob and Mary are goldfish.
Ken: Could this naked artiste be the one-buttocked mooner?
Brunhilde: he suffers for his art.
Steve: If only the articles had been valued at $300!
Brunhilde: o henry.
Ken: And the girl trying to avoid him scrapes her arm! It’s all one eternal round! A big BYU Rube Goldberg machine of boring unnecessary police intervention.
(Matthew Page has joined)
On Monday at 8:44.a.m. in the Wilkinson Center bakery, a 24-year-old student’s hand got caught in the molding machine. The skin was torn off the back of his hand, down to the bone. The student was taken to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center.
Brunhilde: The bread was especially chewy that day.
Ken: Gah. What’s a molding machine? Some homosexuality-curing torture device left over from the 70s?
Steve: The machine revealed adamantium claws inside the student. SNIKT!
Ken: I was picturing Terminator gears.
Matthew: Well you gotta be careful around a skeleton hand molding machine. Because they work!
Ken: Cyberdyne got the hand. Wait, Cyberdyne? Is that right?
Steve: No, it’s Cyberdyne. They create SkyNet.
Ken: Did you know if you Wikipedia “Skynet” it takes you to some real satellite system and not the Terminator one? Lame. Possibly some real satellite system that is about to become sentient and destroy us all!
Matthew: I hope so.
Steve: This might be controversial to say, but the total destruction of that kid’s hand was worth it. Have you ever had Wilk bread?!?!?!?
Ken: I never order the “Navajo Taco” at the cougareat when I suspect it might have real Navajo in it.
Steve: Heaven knows it doesn’t have any real Taco.
Ken: BYU now has a one-buttocked student, a one-eyebrowed student, and a one-handed student.
On Sunday at 2:15p.m., an alarm went off in the David O. McKay Building three times. The University Police responded to the alarm and then called an electrician. While waiting, the officers decided to check the alarm. Inside the alarm casing, the officers found a spider triggering the alarm. The officers dispatched of the spider humanely and the alarm was fixed.
Ken: Humanely = little guillotine they invented on the spot. Or magnifying glass.
Steve: Don’t tase me, bro! I bet a taser would be an AWESOME way of dispatching a spider.
Matthew: Then then out came the sun and dried up all the rain and shortly after that, the alarm went off again.
Ken: He writes “DONT TASE ME BRO” in his web in the corner of the barnyard door
Steve: “SOME COP”
Ken: The spider then bit the cop, who gained the superhuman power of triggering BYU burglar alarms.
Steve: Thing is, what if that spider had been trying to warn them of something and they just ignored him? “oh, it’s just a spider.” WRONG-O. and then the building goes boom. Who’s dispatched humanely now??
Ken: What’s that Charlotte? Timmy fell down the well? There’s a “nude art project” going on in the next classroom over?
Steve: Lassie would have been pretty cool if she’d been a gigantic hideous spider instead of a Collie.
Ken: Lassie Come Home: Mirkwood Edition
Brunhilde: didn’t they have those on Minority Report?
On April 4 at 3:30p.m. at the Deseret Towers basketball court, an argument escalated into a fight. The 19-year-old suspect grabbed the victim and repeatedly smashed his head into the basketball pole. The victim was knocked unconscious, and when he awoke, the suspect began punching the victim in the face. The suspect then fled the scene and the University Police arrived. The suspect is 5 feet 10 inches tall and has curly, sandy-blond hair with long bangs. He may answer to the name Jacob.
Ken: Wow, this guy got beat up by some dreamy Twilight character.
Steve: And he may be a ghost. From Lost.
Brunhilde: Was this an emergency basketball pole?
Steve: The victim only suffered abrasions and pummeling.
Matthew: Isn’t that a technical foul?
Brunhilde: White men can’t jump.
Ken: I hope the police are looking for that cabin in the jungle that only Hurley can find.
Steve: I suspect that the genesis of their dispute may be rooted in the fact that they were trying to play basketball with a POLE, instead of, say, a basket.
Ken: ANOTHER TIE?!?!
Steve: This is what happens when you try to play basketball with tetherball equipment.
Ken: The description does make him sound better-looking than most police beat offenders.
Brunhilde: It’s nice the suspect let the guy wake up before he started clocking him.
Ken: Sandy blond hair, long bangs…sensitive eyes
Brunhilde: The reporter is also a romance novelist. Double major.
Matthew: This is why I avoid sports generally. Well, mostly because I am lazy and unfit, but also because of the ass kickings.
Ken: “His chest rippled as he pushed me once again into the basketball standard”
Steve: I think I’m gonna start answering to the name Jacob…. dude sounds pretty bad.
Ken: I would totally join “Team Jacob” if I’d known about the pummelings.
Brunhilde: Ken, we can arrange for you to be pummeled.
GST: Folk Singer Pummeled.
Steve: well look who’s phoning it in. GST!
Ken: I thought that if you had an acoustic guitar, it means that you were a pro-test-singer…
On April 11 at 1:49 p.m. in room 295 ESC, a female student sitting in a chair began leaning on the front two legs. The chair toppled over and the student broke her nose when she hit the edge of a desk.
Ken: Buttock. Eyebrow. Arm. Hand. Nose.
GST: This is why women shouldn’t be allowed to study science.
Brunhilde: She’s a physics major.
Ken: Why is her gender relevant? This is like some kind of Mad Men boys club sniggering.
Matthew: Glass Joan.
Brunhilde: and did the police arrest the chair, or the desk, or what?
Ken: To be fair, she was trying to sit and chew gum at the same time.
Steve: Who leans a chair forward? I thought the cool casual kids leaned em back up against a wall. Thus saith Breakfast Club.
Brunhilde: Then she would’ve broken something else.
Ken: Yup, for doing it wrong her punishment is she looks like Marcia Brady with football nose now.
Brunhilde: “Something suddenly came up.”
GST: When the item said that she leaned forward on the front two legs, I thought it meant that the student was a quadriped. Quadra-ped? 4-ped.
Brunhilde: She’s still getting oriented.
Ken: I like “toppled” though. I like it when Police Beat paints a little word picture for me.
Brunhilde: The romance novelist again.
Ken: AND GREAT WAS THE TOPPLING THEREOF!
Between March 19 and March 20, a 19-year-old female student had an undergarment stolen from the Deseret Towers T-hall laundry room. The undergarment is valued at $10.
Ken: More from a Japanese vending machine though.
GST: $10 does not take in to account the total prurience value.
Steve: Worth. Every. Penny.
Brunhilde: You’re wearing it, Steve?
Ken: We are not allowed to know what the undergarment was, as that would arouse our basest and most prurient instincts.
Brunhilde: Did the DT underwear thief also steal the artist’s clothing?
Steve: The undergarment had some sentimental value, I assume. This is like BYU’s Monica Lewinsky or something.
Ken: Unidentified undergarment: $10. DNA sample: priceless.
Brunhilde: I’m repenting.
Ken: First step: recompense. Return the underwear you stole from dT!
Brunhilde: No way. It’s ours! We owns it.
GST: my precious.
Ken: It was nothing sexy. All righteous BYU freshwomen wear granny panties, to prepare them for the indignities of garments.
Steve: Lord of the Rings would have been a lot weirder if Gollum were obsessing over some granny panties instead of the One Ring of Sauron.
Ken: Put them on and your sex life becomes invisible.
Steve: Turns out, I already have that power.
Ken: Two pairs of young twins have the same power of Morgoth. Cast them into the Cracks of Doom, quickly!
GST: I can saw a woman in two/but you won’t want to look in the box when I’m through/I can make love disappear/For my next trick, I’ll need a volunteer. Warren Zevon!
Ken: I miss Warren Zevon.
Steve: (pours out white bred equivalent of Courvoisier. Ginger ale?)
Ken: This PBR is spiraling into anarchy even faster than past installments.
On May 20, a male jumped out out of the botany pond and frightened a female student walking by.
Ken: Aquaman just KNOWS he should have taken that left turn at Albukoike.
Steve: Senator Kelly! What are you doing here?!
Matthew: Who called the police? The girl? Or was the guy bragging about it?
Steve: That IS a pretty cool stunt. Too bad he had to snorkel in a disgusting fish pond overnight to make it happen.
Ken: She and a boy were “necking” near the ol’ botany pond when OUT STALKS THE GILL-MAN!
Matthew: I feel bad for foreign students who’s traditional courting customs are not appreciated by stuck up American girls.
GST: Like trying to put Pamela Andersen Lee in a sack.
Ken: “Hello blonde USA girl! I wait in smelly pond for you all night, yes? You like, yes?”
Ken: This is what happens when you try to have an Oceanography program at a university in a land-locked state.
Steve: He was apprehended by University police after trying to get another girl to hold his, what is word, hraaaam?
Matthew: Years down the road when she is stuck 20 years in an unhappy marriage, she will think back to that young man and wonder to herself what might have happened if she had reacted differently to his advances.
Steve: OK, last one.
Ken: Wait, I have to do my Chekov impression first. “Botany pond? Botany pond! Oh no! Botany pond!” Okay, proceed.
GST: That sounds nothing like Anton Chekov. This is Seti Alpha Five!
Steve: The thing that gets me is that Chekov never even MET Khan in “Space Seed.” That whole movie is a LIE. These are… pets. You will find they are not quite… domesticated.
Friday at 1 p.m., University Police received a distress call from an emergency phone on campus. The caller said a female visitor, 16, was choking. When the called returned to the scene, some passerby had saved the girl’s life by performing the Heimlich maneuver, dislodging a large meatball. A doctor was also present on the scene.
GST: What gets me is that Russians have no problem pronouncing the letter “v”, but Chekov is all, “It’s wery dangerous, kepten!” His own name has a V in it!
Ken: Letter V was inwented in Russia! Oh wait, Steve posted another blurb.
Steve: yes, thanks. That’s a spicy a-meatball!
GST: The doctor failed to revive the meatball. “Call it.”
Ken: That doctor does seem pretty useless. Turns out he just had a PhD in music.
Steve: Time of meatball: 1 p.m.
Ken: Heimlich manuewer was inwented by a little old lady in Leningrad, keptin!
Matthew: Was it really a meat ball or was it a tribble?
Ken: This is a little morality play like so many other PB items. Don’t lean forward in your desk on two legs. Don’t do art naked in the middle of the night. Don’t deep throat meatballs.
Steve: I gotta say, calling the cops on someone just because they’re choking is a little bit of a jerk move. I mean, so their death noises are disturbing you. Can’t you just ignore them like the good doctor?
Ken: Tragically she had been acting out the Death Star conference room scene in Star Wars right before the accident, so no one noticed her affliction. I FIND YOUR LACK OF CHEWING…DISTURBING!
Matthew: Terminator, Spiderman, Star Trek, and Star Wars. No wonder Brunhilde left.
Ken: Steve made an XMen joke too.
GST: And Zevon.
Matthew: Senator Kelly, The Smiths. Just like in highschool, girls can’t stand being around us.
Ken: Huh huh, uh, do you, uh, do you girls like Monty Python?
GST: I was always surrounded by girls in high school. They assumed I was gay.
Steve: Girls are smart.
Ken: I wondered why Kathy Griffin was always hanging around your house after school…
Matthew: What were you doing in a high school today, GST?
Steve: Well, this has been weird.