The Emperor Ming Bitter Awards [A Winner is Declared!]

Now that it has been confirmed that I will not be receiving a Niblet this year, it’s time to shift from the official BCC stance of indifference to my personal position of outright hatred. I hate you all. With the power of 1000 suns my rage burns within! I will crush you all, by means of blogpoll.

Since BCC has been voted the best blog in the universe, but I have received exactly zero recognition, I am assuming that you are all out to get me. But not just me. There are several permabloggers here who have received no recognition either. We will rise up and crush you like the bugs you are. But who will lead this revolution to overcome the popular, the pretty, the possibly polygamous (attention Stake Presidents)? I will deign to allow you all some say in the choice of your future overlord.

You may choose any of the following BCC permabloggers to be chosen as Emperor (or Empress, if you must) of the Universe for one day starting tomorrow at the stroke of midnight. The title Emperor of the Universe grants you the right to virtually kill minions and the people who don’t matter, the right to shout “Kneel before [insert your name here]!”, and the right to demand the head of Alfredo Garcia. You also get the use of all BCC minions and henchmen for any scheme that will result in the destruction of the earth in 24 hours or less (unless you get One Million Dollars!).

The following are your options:

Please feel free to pledge your lives and devotion below. Groveling is appreciated, but only grudgingly.

Now that the polls have closed, you should pause a moment and consider how to best swear fealty to your new lord (for one day)…Aaron Brown. Because those included in this poll were those who were not up for any Niblets, I have chosen the loser to be the winner. Aaron, you are EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE! Use your power for your own personal gain and profit and crush those who would oppose you. All hail Emperor Aaron! Also, hurry up and get us that story. It sounds intriguing.


  1. Larry the Cable Guy says:

    Six men, one woman.

    That won’t fragment the voting.

    Is Cynthia L. the Sarah Palin of the permas?

  2. The only person I do not tremble with fear at the thought of him/her being Emp(*) for a day is Mark Brown. He’d just have a mandatory attendance parade, followed by a baseball game.

  3. Cynthia is the Condi Rice of BCC. Looks and brains.

  4. I vote for Kathy.

  5. Hunter,
    Kathy has thusfar failed to make her disdain for humanity sufficiently clear. She is, at present, only a provisional member of our cabal. In time, she may graduate to our council of despecability, but she must prove herself, preferably with a freeze ray.

  6. i swear this was written by steve evans.

  7. franti,
    For that you’ll be among the first lined up against the wall or, possibly worse, we’ll sick Wharton on you.

  8. Oooh, can I be a minion?! An obsequious bootlicker?

    Sidenote: Eric the Viking is available from Hulu. Good flick.

  9. Steve Evans says:

    The poll ignores the reality of my dominion.

  10. John who?

  11. If I win, I promise to put up a post about the time one of my companions was groped in the genitals during the 3rd discussion. Trust me, it’s my best mission story ever. (No one has heard it, save Amri).

    If I lose, I’m going to go all LeRoy Wharton on your asses.


  12. Before I vote, do any of the perks include the “dusting of the feet?” I want to choose prudently.

  13. Crawford, this reminds me of two things:

    1. When I was in elementary school, every year all the kids had to make some kind of art project for the County Fair. Then, once we were all done and the creations were all submitted, we all loaded up into a bus and went over to the fair, where judges had reviewed the entries and places blue and red ribbons on the best entries. For the worst, there were no blue or red ribbons; instead there were bright green ribbons with the word “Participant” written in gold lettering down the center. Holy crap. Like any of were comforted by that sort of contrived gesture. (I have several of these green monsters in my childhood scrapbooks in Idaho.)

    2. When I was in 7th grade, I played football on the middleschool team, but I was kind of lazy and rarely gave much effort in practice. Well, sure enough, come game time, I rode the pine with the rest of the geeks, sluts, bloods, etc…until the very end when we were informed that, because we had like 97 players, and only 30 of them got to play, there would be a 5th Quarter, just so everyone got some playing time. The events of the 5th quarter didn’t matter; the game was officially over after the 4th, so this was really just a big green ribbon for all the kids who didn’t get to play to be humiliated by having their lack of athleticism put on display in front of our parents while the coaches pretended to care.

    So, yeah. Thanks for this, Crawdaddy. Kneel before Zod!

  14. Cynthia L. says:

    w00t!!!! I am SO celebrating RIGHT NOW (while I’m ahead).

    Also, dude, Larry, can you read? “WITHOUT GLASSES.” Sarah Palin. Also. Pshaw! For the children.

    Also, our, our next-door neighbors are non-members, there in the home that I am the help-meet of. We have trading of baked goods back and forth, we do. It’s very important when you consider even national-security issues with non-members. As that beer-drinking neighbor rears his head and comes into the air space of my yard, where do they go? It’s my yard. It’s just right over the fence.

  15. (11) Aaron it is.

    Scott, you could have had my vote, but now you will pay for this morning’s gong-related treachery!!

  16. Oh man, for a second there I thought the poll would allow me vote often (without cookie-related cheating, I mean).

  17. Ben, that sort of latent bitterness is what gets people dusted around here. I suggest you recast your ballot, pal.

  18. I wanted to vote for Cynthia, but I had to go with my Rock Band singer.

    Also, I demand a bed of Alfredo Fettucini! Or something like that!

  19. John F. – As the only emeriti nominated I salute you.

  20. Haha — Thanks!

  21. Blain,
    You are dead to me. You’ll be dead to everyone else once my plans are in place.

    Everyone else,
    I will crush you all! Have a nice day.

  22. John Mansfield says:

    It may be unfortunate that Ronan is polling so well, for though England is a monarchy, it already has a monarch, and does Ronan really wish this kind of ackwardness between himself and his queen?

  23. I hate you all. Except for Hunter.

  24. Mark Brown says:

    Larry tCG (#1):

    LOL! Now that you mention it, Cynthia does remind me of Sarah Palin in many ways. They are both West-Coasters (and can presumably see Russia from their yards), they both think there needs to be some big changes in the way things get done back there in Worshington, they are both mavericks, and they are both proficient in the use of firearms…uh, now that I think about it, Cynthia is nothing like the Drillah from Wasilla, no, nothing at all like her.

    Ann (#2)

    What can I say? I’d rather be a utility infielder at BCC that MVP in the houses of the great. And at my parade, we’ll have throws.

    I vote for Aaron. I’d rather hear that mission story that have one MEELion dollars.

  25. Good to see I’m moving up a bit in the rankings.

    Again, people …. crotch-grabbing. Enough said. How can you let this slip away?

    Vote early and often. But not for Ronan, Cynthia or SteveP.

  26. Don’t look at me, I voted for Kronos.

  27. StillConfused says:

    “If I win, I promise to put up a post about the time one of my companions was groped in the genitals during the 3rd discussion. Trust me, it’s my best mission story ever. ” Anyone care to raise that offer?

  28. If I win, I won’t kill you. I’ll just reduce you to grovelling worms. You’re welcome, in advance.

  29. Why are people voting for Scott B? Why do you fear him? He’s an economist, all he can do is bore you to death!

    Whoo, I scared myself a little just then.

  30. Mark and StillConfused: Now you’re talking! I simply must hear that story from Aaron.

    Besides, I don’t want to see if AB go JLW.

  31. In honor of Groundhog day, I voted for Scott B, the economist. Rumor has it that if he sees his shadow today, there will be six more months of recession.

  32. Cynthia is more Alia Atreides than Baroness.

  33. John C., you have inspired me. I shall now lecture on economics for the remainder of the day.

    “It is true that capitalism was named by its enemies. Thus, it’s interesting to note that a socialist is someone who believes in socialism, a communist someone who believes in communism but a capitalist is someone with capital.”
    -Tyler Cowen

  34. I’m voting for Scott B. Not because Ben dissed him, but because I don’t want him to see his shadow.

  35. People, why am I not winning? Do I have to do all the voting myself?

  36. Professional economists who favour market forces put the emphasis on the price mechanism and the profitability test (which is also valid for state industry or workers’ co-ops). By contrast radical right politicians put the emphasis on reduced taxes and government spending cuts, without too many fine nuances about their exact effects.

  37. StillConfused says:

    I haven’t yet voted because I want to know what’s in it for me. Let the bribery begin

  38. StillConfused, I thought we were clear on this. AB’s story about crotch-grabbing and missionaries. What more could you want!?

    Trying to play them against each other, eh? Well played.

  39. I vote Rebecca J.

  40. I see that Ronan is currently in the lead, but I’m sorry folks, Ronan did most of the zeitcasts which won a Niblet and this automatically makes him unavailable to be Emperor of the Universe.

    I hope all of you can deal with the disappointment.

  41. Hey Lurkers,

    I realize you’re too afraid to comment, but I know some of you have not yet voted. Shame on you!! Also, vote for me. You will receive blessings, either in this life, or the next.

  42. Cynthia L. says:

    Wow, good thing I celebrated last night. My fortunes take a marked turn for the worse.

  43. Quick, Aaron, calls dibs on Ronan’s votes!

  44. You know where to vote if you really, truly, care about the eternal destiny of robots.

    (And know this, when robots rule the world they will look back on this moment and ask, “Who was on our side, when?” And they will know where you stood when the Emperor Ming Bitter Award votes where counted (because Robots will know everything).)

  45. I’m with StillConfused. I’m looking for better offers before I vote. Cynthia, you got anything better than AB’s crotch grabbing?

  46. Cynthia L. says:

    Dude I got nothing. I would offer to send canned goods to all my constituents, but I’m not sure even my considerable supply of habanero-apricot jelly would be enough.

  47. StillConfused says:

    Dang it. I came to vote the first chance I had but the polls were closed. Do we still get the crotch grab story?

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