The news is out: everybody hates us. Those of us with healthy persecution complexes anticipated this day and even looked forward to it as evidence of our righteousness. But guess what, Mormons — some of you are ESPECIALLY hated, loathed and reviled, thereby showing yourselves to be even more righteousy than the rest of us. So, congrats O scorned ones, you are probably top of the heap in heaven already. Without further ado, here’s the A-list, the creme de la creme, the (currently living) Mormons that get more hatin’ than all the rest.
5. Stephenie Meyer.
In case you’ve been living in an abandoned missile silo over the last five years, Stephenie Meyer is the most popular Mormon author since Moroni and is the one responsible for injecting the term “Team Edward” into our daily conversations. THANKS A LOT. She also invented glittering emo vampires.
A lot of people think that her books are terrible. They might be right, but Orson Scott Card thinks she’s a genius. How about this: you get to complain about Stephenie’s lack of talent after YOU’VE sold over 100 million copies of your books and had them translated into 37 different languages. Her husband, “Pancho,” has ‘retired’ to take care of the kids. So now even the more traditional Mormon can hate Stephenie, if only for this obvious perversion of the Right Way to Raise Children (TM).
4. Harry Reid.
The Senator from Nevada is the most famous Mormon politician since Reed Smoot, and he is just about as popular. A notorious pork-barreler and Democrat, Harry Reid is anathema to anyone with a lick of political good sense. Sen. Reid is responsible for canceling both firesides and mosques, showing him to be an equal opportunity offender of all religion. Clearly he is a MINO and not to be trusted.
Another reason to dislike Harry Reid: he is single-handedly to blame for a major percentage of political bloggernacle posts. That realization should be enough to galvanize even the most atheistic socialist among you. I’m sure that Sen. Reid plays the game of being a Mormon — heaven knows we see enough comments from people who happen to be in his ward — but I’m sure Satan hits 100% home teaching as well. He’s not fooling anybody.
3. Mitt Romney.
- Son of wealthy businessman and politician
- BYU and Harvard grad
- Mission in France
- Track record of running enormously successful companies
- Excellent hair
Man, no wonder people hate him. Oh sure, you could point to his shifting positions on health care, abortion, gun control, and gay rights, but those alone would never have been enough to merit the level of rancor that Mitt receives on a regular basis. His suggestion that we “double Guantanamo” or his efforts to establish his cred as a hunter (of rodents and small animals, apparently) pale in comparison to the crime of his polished demeanor and perfect coiffure.
Mitt Romney brought Mormons into the political landscape with a crash and a thud. The interplay of politics in our religion was placed under the microscope and found wanting. Our cultural weirdness was magnified a thousand times. So, thanks Mitt, for dragging us all into that morass. Can’t wait for it to happen again!
2. Jay Bybee.
Jay Bybee is an upstanding new justice on the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. A BYU grad (and BYU Law grad), Bybee has had a long and illustrious career of writing and teaching about some of the most important aspects of the law and our Constitution.
Oh, and then he went to work for George Bush and was responsible for the Torture Memo. Intense mental anguish, stress positions, waterboarding and other acts widely considered to be torture instead became legally permissible as part of the War on Terror. And Jay Bybee signed the memos that gave the CIA its golden shield for acts committed at Abu Ghraib and who knows where else. Bybee’s memo was quickly repudiated by the succeeding administration, but by that point Bybee had resigned and taken a federal judgeship. Some speculated that such was his reward for what is unquestionably the boldest statement of presidential power in history. One reporter pontificated, “The Bybee memo is not some oddball exercise in moral relativism but instead provides the most coherent explanation of how this Bush administration came to believe that to assure freedom and security at home and abroad, it should ape the tactics of brutal dictators.”
1. Glenn Beck.
Was this really so surprising? One of the most successful news commentary programs in TV history. Multiple books on bestseller lists. An enormous popular following. Glenn Beck is so popular that he would probably still be hated, even were he to abandon his comic brand of right-wing ideology, his (self-described) rodeo clown antics and ridiculous pretenses at education. His fundamental message — that of fervent adherence to the Constitution and a return to traditional American values — seems laudable. Of course, this message comes packaged in a particularly off-putting melange of conspiracy theory, hate-mongering and comical political hysteria.
There seems little that we can add to a discussion of Glenn Beck at this point. For those of you who might still be on the fence about him, I will only include this additional tidbit of information to sway you: Glenn Beck killed my parents. Mowed them down like they were Sandpeople.