Hanging-by-a-Thread Poll

If the Constitution ever hangs by a thread, the Elders of Israel will save it. But how will we know for sure that it’s “hanging”? How exactly will we “save” it? When will this long-awaited day come to pass? No one knows.

This is regrettable, for we Elders of Israel are always anxious to exercise our mad saving skillz, but we know not where to do it. And unless the beneficiaries of our skills are literally “hanging by a thread,” we sure as heck aren’t interested in lifting a finger on their behalf. No, we reserve our salvific energies for episodes of high drama! Therefore, as we await the anticipated constitutional apocalypse, it’s worth considering other ways to exercise our talents.

And so I ask you: What other holy documents are literally “hanging by a thread” in these Latter Days, threatened by neglect, misinterpretation, or whatnot? To which other sacred text should we Elders of Israel direct our sustained attention, so we can ride in heroically on a White Horse to save it?

(Poll beneath the fold)

Additional suggestions are welcome.


  1. Why would Israelis care about the American Constitution, anyway? I don’t think Americans would accept foreigners “saving” our precious documents.

  2. I can’t think of any documents that are “literally” hanging by a thread, unless you want to count little tiny copies of sheet music for Christmas hymns that have been made into little ornaments.

    I mean, the Constitution is under really thick glass, in an argon gas tank, and it has an elaborate vault system with lots of gears to pull it to safety if needed, so no threads there. Steel cables maybe.

  3. StillConfused says:

    I chose the Old Testament because I see so many temple recommend holding LDS types who completely fail on the ten commandments (which are not included in the temple recommend questions). That and I would really see God go all old school on some peoples a$$e$. We need more smitings!

  4. Well, in the first place, it won’t fall to those stinking elders. This is a job for high priests!

  5. When the Elders of Israel are doing a move, lots of things hang by a thread, and sometimes fall and break. This prophecy means that they will always be careful enough not to drop the Constitution or other important artifacts (even though it looks like they will drop them), but your piano or other furniture might get some scratches.

  6. I voted for the Old Testament. Seriously, we already into the minor prophets in Gospel Doctrine, and there has been no mention of the plague of Emerods that smote the Philistines “in their hinder parts”.

  7. Nick Literski says:

    HA! So true, WVS! If it’s anything like my days as an EQ presidency member, the elders will come up with the plan, but it will be assigned to the HP group while the EQ sticks with providing free mover services!

  8. @WVS the HPs may have the assignment and

    @Nick_Literski the EQ may have come up with the plan, but

    It will be done by the bishopric because the rest of the HPs will be asleep and the EQ will either be too clueless on how to execute the plan or else no one will show up.

  9. Ok, but bishop is an appendage to the high priesthood, so it’s all good.

  10. its a series of tubes says:

    based on the hiccup earlier today, I vote for a different option: BCC will hang by a thread due to a web server issue, inadvertently exposing its confidential Google Apps token in the process…

  11. @WVS — fair enough, I saw that counter-argument the second I posted my comment, but I stand by it nonetheless. The body of the HP Quorum will remain asleep.

  12. my scriptures will hang by a thread..they are less than a year old and already are having some problems. I probably should never leave them around where little people can walk off with them, but really-what kind of quality is that?

    my spiral bound children’s song book is past hanging by a thread and is now downsizing itself

    which constitution? before any ammendments? what about ammendments that dramatically changed the shift in power structure (like voting for senators instead of nominating them)? Maybe we’re making it more dramatic than it is and there will be some sort of flood and the actual, physical constitution will be hanigng by a thread and need to be moved…thus making it an elders thing.

  13. Kevin Barney says:

    Have you guys learned nothing about how the Church works in actual practice? It will be done by the Relief Society, and the various quorums of the priesthood will take credit for it.

  14. Barney stole my comment. :(

  15. We already know that the Constitution is trampled underfoot, rather than hanging by a thread, thanks to the excellent insight of McNaughton. Now will someone ask Obama to move his foot?

  16. #2 Michael wrote:I mean, the Constitution is under really thick glass, in an argon gas tank, and it has an elaborate vault system with lots of gears to pull it to safety if needed, so no threads there. Steel cables maybe.

    That is totally untrue. Didn’t you see National Treasure, and how easy it is to steal those special documents? Why, I happen to have the real and authentic Constitution in my basement, while a good facsimile from the bookstore is actually behind the thick glass…. Oh, and right now I have the Constitution hanging by 4 threads. I found it was too heavy to suspend with just one thread.

    BTW, I also voted on the Old Testament. Spending 45 minutes a week talking about entire books of scripture just doesn’t really give time to discuss the Documentary Hypothesis

  17. Haven’t you been paying attention? It’s the Wyld Stallyns album that will really be doing the thread-hanging.

  18. When I was in Bulgaria, lots of taxi drivers had pictures of naked ladies hanging by threads from their rear-view mirrors.

  19. I think Mr McNaughton has clearly shown that the current administration is not causing the Constitution to hang by a thread, but that the Constitution is being trampled underfoot. In order for this prediction to come true, we must realize that the Constitution “hanging by a thread” is figurative for it being treated like a pinata by illegal immigrants as they throw bithrday parties for their anchor babies–at taxpayer expense, of course.

  20. D&C 89!
    I want my “mild drinks” of barley and a temple recommend at the same time!

  21. why are we voting on what brother beck does next? seems he has his hands quite full as it is right now. /s

  22. Regarding the Word of Wisdom as a commandment: I believe that the Civil War amendments are understood to have the effect of incorporating the Word of Wisdom against the wards.

  23. DC 89, I don’t know many faithful Mormons drinking the prescribed barley drinks.

  24. It’s hard to find any of DC 89 we actually pay attention to. A few verses around tobacco and hard drinks.

  25. I object to A Theory of Justice not being an option. When conservatives like Aaron post on politics, it makes me wonder if BCC is open to all political perspectives.

  26. Didn’t Rand write that book, Chris? So you see, it was included already.

  27. Voted King Follett Discourse. I’m sick of hearing about the afterlife as “Familiez R 4VR” (and I swear my 6-month-old daughter rolls her eyes at the prospect of spending eternity with me). I signed up for the ascent to godhood and I want it to be front and center, gosh darnit!

  28. I don’t think Americans would accept foreigners “saving” our precious documents.

    Oddly enough they do. I read somewhere once that like 5% of the US armed forces are foreign born.

  29. and apparently 100% of our Executive Branch . . . OH!

  30. Only one choice for me: Ayn Rand

    When I was a young architect, I felt some moral obligation to read The Fountainhead. I could make make it through about half the book and laughed my dupa* off through what I did.

    Found no reason to continue to explore her other tripe.

    *Dupa is Polish for ass. Not in the Balaam sense. Thought it better not to use ass in the dupa sense on this blog.

  31. I voted for Ayn Rand just to make Scott happy.

  32. Whats a guy gotta do to get a *rimshot around here??

  33. If I remember correctly, Rex E. Lee pointed out that no church president has elucidated “how” the constitution will be saved. He also went on to point out that they also haven’t said how it will be “hanging”. So…

  34. Whenever I hear “hanging by a thread”, I picture one of two things:

    a liberal dangling from a noose and surrounded by dark-scowled conservatives (so ~ANGRY~),

    or the button on the fly of my pants, which is somehow a metaphor for pontificating liberals who can be made to look ridiculous with a single tug.

  35. Oh, and B. Russ — BA-dum-bum..PSSH!

  36. Now THATS what I’m talking about.

  37. For those in favor of more Old Testament-style smitings, one can always go the Nephi vs. Laban route and see to it personally (in the words — er, word — of Sky Masterson) that they occur with greater frequency.

  38. I voted for the 1909 “Origin of Man” statement, but for the opposite reason as the one given. The statement clearly says that our physical bodies might have been formed through an evolutionary process, and that allowance of possibility is hanging by a thread in lots of Mormon homes and from many pulpits. Many of the Elders of Israel are fighting to save it.

  39. This is a job for high priests!

    But high priests are elders…

  40. Ray, you are my hero.

  41. Ray, but it also refers to the evolution of man as a “theory of men”, which is clearly pejorative. I prefer to acknowledge the 1909 statement as basically anti- evolution, and then point out how subsequent statements undermine the original one, rather than portraying the 1909 statement as more neutral than it really is.

  42. Thomas Parkin says:

    voted King Follet – though it really isn’t that I’m missing. Here it is: the Temple and personal revelation are no longer seen (were they ever?) as means through which one could come to know ‘the nature and personality’ of God (as a distinct thing), his ‘character and attributes.’ We increasingly have an unknown and unknowable God, in the manner of religionists. Going to the Temple is something to be done habitually, and ritually, as one more thing performed to coax ‘blessings’ (meaning paychecks) out of God. Discourse is largely about routine goodness – and as glad as I am that we are trying to be good people, I can be a good person in any religion, many of which have snazzier outfits. ~

  43. I’ve learned by sad experience that the Elders of this generation are nearly all ignorant of the principles of the Constitution. They cling to Conservatism as if it were a branch of the gospel, never bothering to check it’s premises or ask if it is moral. The much vaunted gospel principle of free agency is stomped into the mud whenever it intersects with the prevailing political philosophy: in matters of dealing with our fellow man, immoral governmental force and coercion are perfectly acceptable.

    The Constitution itself, while still being the best thing thus far in earths history (with the exception of Salem and Enochsville,) fails to explicitly enumerate what the fundamental human rights are. Consequently it fails to protect them all and sets the stage for corruption which we see writ large on every governmental institution we have.

    A government dependent upon the mortality of its people rather than the morality of its foundational principles is doomed to imminent failure.

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