15 Things Heard Behind the Podium During General Conference

Do you ever wonder what the Brethren say to each other up on the stand during General Conference? We do, too.

  1. “Hal, vat vould you tink about getting a spray tan?”

  2. “Boyd, I don’t think ‘tweet’ means what you think it means.”

  3. (Passive sentence 1)
    (Passive sentence 2)

    “Booyah.  Passive triplet in the first five minutes.  Give me my five bucks!”

  4. “Geez, for the third time already, my zipper is definitely up.”

  5. “You told him this was a prayer and not a talk, right?”

  6. “Are you reading the BCC liveblog on your Blackberry? What did they say about my tie?”

  7. “Hey, Uchtdorf, did you hear about that ‘Follow the Prophet‘ website?  I haven’t had a Starbucks in weeks because of that.  I’m Jonesing for a ‘Monson Mocha latte'”.

  8. “I don’t know what passes for respect where you come from, Boyd, but I’m the President of the Church.  When I walk into a room, everyone stands.”

  9. “Look over at the third row of the balcony. No, over there. Yeah. THAT IS THE FATTEST MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN!”

  10. “You know, I miss Neal.  I’m going to through in some extra alliteration for old time’s sake.”

  11. “OK, so every time somebody says ‘supernal’ you have touch your tie. The last one to touch his tie gets a dead-arm after the session.”

  12. “Yeah, it was great. The tagline was ‘Viva la Revelacion‘”

  13. “Yeah, I had to scratch all those BYU football references too.”

  14. “When I go off script, see if you can hear the translators’ heads explode.”

  15. “…So then he freaked out and closed the comments and kicked all the permas off the blog all together.”


  1. Is it Sunday or Saturday?

  2. It’s funny because it’s true.

  3. This is great.

  4. I’m on to youse guys — you’ve put this up under the “Admin” credit so that none of you get called in by your bishops.

  5. Number 5 was actually said during the opening prayer of the BYU Centennial Convocation, October 10, 1975. Just change the pronoun to “her.”

    Or if it wasn’t said, I’ll bet you $5K that someone up on the stand was thinking it!

  6. Or, Ardis, so nobody would have to take personal responsibility for the stupid spelling errors.

  7. Ardis,
    The post was my idea, but it was a group effort. Many of our “BCC Admin” posts are actually posts that result from backchannel conversations. Since Aaron Brown offers a Chevy Malibu every year to the person with the most posts, it would be improper for me to take credit for this entirely.

    Also, what you said.

  8. …Rectum?, darn near killed him!

  9. Ha, those are funny, especially the Mormon Matters reference. (Hey, there’s nothing wrong with BYU football… it called a rebuilding year. :))

    Actually, I miss Neal too! *Man* I loved that guy’s talks.

  10. “If Monson uses another Milton quote that actually subverts his point I’m going to punch him next Tuesday. In the temple, in the temple.”

    “There’s no way I’m falling asleep on the stand this time. I downed two Dr Peppers between sessions.”

    “Is it just me or is this new building pretty great?” “Well it is much more spacious than the old one.”

    “Please tell me that we haven’t had Wadsworth build any temples.”

    “These seats are alright I guess, but you should see the seats I have for Jazz games.”

  11. “Go ahead. Give it a tug”
    “No, you. You’re the one who thinks Dave’s ‘hair’ isn’t one solid piece of plastic. If it’s actually real hair, how come there’s never been a picture of him where even one follicle is in a different place?”

  12. I wonder if day cry or laugh when they read these!:)

  13. “Dare you to high-five the prophet when he walks in.”

    “Dare you to high-five the entire quorum when you get up to speak.”

  14. “I didn’t look at the teleprompter even once. Champ!”

  15. “Thanks a lot, Jeff, how am I supposed to follow that?”

  16. “I hate how my wife looks at Uchtdorf.”

  17. “Wanna play Words With Friends?”

  18. These haikus are terrible, people.

  19. “I gave a long prayer ten years ago . . . they’ve never asked me to pray or talk again.”

  20. “At least this prophet won’t hit me on the head with a cane when he walks by.”

  21. “What, are the hymns boring you, Dallin? Here’s an idea to keep you engaged: Say the words “… in bed” to yourself after every stanza. I’ve tried it, and trust me, it’s HILARIOUS!”

  22. cantinflas says:

    “Check out my new iPad. I’m streets ahead.”

  23. cantinflas says:

    “…and it’s this huge Rube Goldberg machine actually built by rocket scientists. So cool. I’ll send you the link.”

  24. Actually I’d be happy to disclose the source of each one of these, for the right price that is.

  25. “Five dollars if you can work ‘nipple’ into your talk.”

  26. “Yeah, it’s written by the guy who did Charlie Wilson’s War, and directed by the guy who did Fight Club and Seven. Plus Trent Reznor did the soundtrack. Should be epic.”

  27. “Did he really just say ‘titillating’? I miss Gordon…”

  28. I’m going to through in some extra alliteration for old time’s sake.

    I assume that through is the phonetic spelling for the Utahnic pronunciation of the word throw.

  29. “Did you stay up late last night writing your talk? I did too.”

  30. “Maybe it’s time to review the ‘Manifesto’. Have you been watching ‘Sister Wives’?”

  31. …and she stepped on the ball!

  32. Cut and paste, Justin. Cut and paste.

  33. “Wanna play Words With Friends?”

    That just keeps spreading ;)

  34. “Two bucks for every ‘that’s what she said’ opportunity you find in Priesthood session.”

  35. “Can I nominate my own talk for a Niblet?”

  36. “I could sure use a pickle about now.”

  37. “Is it deja vu or has he given this talk before?”

    “Do you ever wonder if those 84 widows are going to turn into a joke, like the 70 Muslim virgins?”

    “I hope Cody Judy’s still in jail.”

  38. Mommie Dearest says:


  39. OK, how ’bout this one: “Si, Señor. I am so verry grrateful det you made me a seventee.”

  40. 31-16? Really?

    Well, now I know who to call to repentance in Priesthood Session tonight.

  41. Lucas Schmogler says:

    “Tic Tac Toe anyone?”

  42. Lucas Schmogler says:

    or “Has anyone figured out that ‘salvation for robots’ problem yet?”

  43. “I love the new score ticker at the bottom of the teleprompter. Boise State is up by 14!”

  44. “We might as well let them play on Sunday. They obviously aren’t getting divine help anyway.”

  45. a random John says:

    Oh man, I slipped the Tiajuana Temple into the TelePrompTer as a joke. He wasn’t supposed to read that one! Of well, I guess we have to build it now. Let’s give that one to Wadsworth to build.

  46. Regarding quip no. 8 in the original posting — President Packer, old and infirm as he is, did stand today. May God bless him.

  47. “Ay yay yay, que voy a hacer con todos estos gringos?”

  48. I miss the alliteration too.

  49. “Boyd, I think we need to make a couple of edits.”

  50. Wow, that changes a lot.

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