Salt Lake City–A group of bloggers held a press conference today in front of the Mormon Tabernacle to announce they had entirely fabricated the Mormon religion, a faith previously believed to date back to the early 19th century.
The group confessed that Mormonism didn’t really exist, and was the result of a series of fictions created by the friends back in the early 1970s.
“It all started when Hamer was bored one weekend and so he wrote the Book of Mormon,” reported a middle-aged women who writes under the pen name Aaron B. “At first he put his own name on it as author, but then, for a lark, he just made up about the most common name one could think of, ‘Joseph Smith,’ and it sort of stuck.”
As the group sat around reading this new book together over a box of wine, Hamer’s friend, Steve Evans, came up with the idea of making this “Joseph Smith” an actual historical person who used this “book” to create an actual “church.”
Fellow conspirator J. Stapley wrote an entire, 7-volume history of this supposed church. Then, to throw off any suspicion as to his part in the conspiracy, he regularly excoriated anyone who would actually quote from it.
Tracy M. came up with the whole pioneers idea. No one really knew how the west was settled, so it seemed like a safe enough story to add to the mix. Karen H. made up the place they came from, “Nauvoo,” on the theory that no one would ever try to actually go there. But when people started to wander around the banks of the Mississippi looking for it, the gang had to spend the better part of a summer actually building the supposed City of the Saints.
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir originated as just Kristine and a bunch of her cousins.
“Sunny and mmiles were high on weed when they came up with that whole polygamy thing,” reported Norbert. “They laughed and they laughed as they wrote what is now D&C 132. And then they went out for nachos.”
The group is deeply sorry for any offense their little prank may have caused. Ronan and Aaron R. even offered to resign from their church callings.
[With apologies to The Onion. Feel free to add your own paragraphs to the story in the comments.]