The Illuminated Matsby, Vol. 10

Another Image of Faith and Devotion

Millennial Starship

526th Semi-Annual General Conference


  1. Mark Brown says:

    And Kirk is watching the football game.

  2. I love that 400 years from now, the speaker is still wearing a suit (and WHITE shirt), even though nobody else in the known galaxy has worn such attire in centuries.

  3. Duke of Earl Grey says:

    It’s about time we got an Orion apostle!

  4. There are still some places in the universe where they wear traditional suits in the 24th century. Such as Ekos in the M34 Alpha System. And Salt Lake City, Utah.

  5. Conference Bingo never gets old. Good thing there is a tricorder app for that.

  6. Kevin Barney says:

    Spock is annoyed that they keep talking about pornography.

  7. Kevin wins.

  8. Re: Spock’s ears… “why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?”…

  9. “To The Young Cardassians”

    “My young lizard-like humanoid brothers, do not be deceived. I wish to explain something that will help you understand your young selves and help you develop the self-control that will enable you to better serve the great Cardassian Empire. As you move closer to the Rite of Ascendancy, your neck gills will become more prominent and your mind training will be soon complete, making you immune to most forms of interrogation. As this power begins to form, it might be likened to having a little factory in your body, one designed to produce the product that will subvert the nefarious Federation and enslave those cursed Bajorans forever.”

  10. James T. Kirk says:

    No, Mark. I am typing a comment at BCC. You just can’t see the monitor because it’s hidden behind the TV. Even in the future, GC is dreadfully dull unless you’re also participating in the semi-annual BCC Snark-fest in real time.

  11. #3 – Because of their history of slavery and piracy, their standing in the church was a subject of much debabe. Fortunately, Official Declaration 11 came along to clarify their status in the Church, and here we are.

  12. I hate to be a real Trekker amongst such fine folks, but the 526th Semi-Annual General Conference would actually be taking place in Year 2356, or the 24th century. In other words, right before Star Trek: TNG.


  13. You are totally right, NJensen. I am just getting into Trek and I got confused and thought Kirk was was 24th century – which is why I picked that year. But you’re right.

  14. Spock has mind-melded with the internet and is engaging in a flame war on several blogs at once. He is proud of his designation as the most reviled person in the bloggernacle.

  15. Mark Brown says:

    Spock: “Apparently, primitive civilizations utilized a food source known as ‘pickles’.”

  16. Ron Madson says:

    No, he comes from the Bednar Galaxy where pickling is part of their priesthood rite of passage

  17. Mark Brown says:

    NJensen, please don’t apologize for being a Trek nerd.

  18. Mark Brown says:

    Ron Madson comes from the Maxwellian system where people talk about pickling parts of priesthood passage.


  19. Mark Brown-

    That link totally made my day. Thank you.

  20. S.P. Bailey says:

    Kirk: The congregation is laughing. (Dramatic pause). But what he just said. (Dramatic pause). Was that a joke?

  21. R. Gary is making an argument that humanoids on independent planets is proof that evolution is false. (And the ability of a human and vulcan to interbreed double-proof)

    The question is, which of the 12 Vineyards Orson Pratt spoke of in JD 17:331 expounding on D&C 88:51-61 is Vulcan? And what is their record of Christ’s appearance like?

  22. Oh come on. Everyone knows Elder Bednar is a Vulcan and not an Orion!

  23. Cynthia L. says:

    Uhura’s bummed out that it’s 2356 and the ratio of female and male speakers still matches the ratio at that table.

  24. Spock: “Fascinating, Captain. It seems that the Quorums of Seventy are again being returned back to the stakes as simply missionaries.”

    Kirk: “Scottie, there seems to be transmission static. Clean it up will you?”

    Scottie: “Captain, I’m givin’ her all I’ve got!”

    Kirk: “Bones, will you go down and help improve the reception?”

    McCoy: “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a General Authority!”

  25. Ohura: “So they let genderless aliens give prayers, but still don’t let let human women pray in conference. They are so 22nd century.”

  26. Matsby: you’re awesome. Evans said so.

  27. Now there’s no way that Bednar’s hair will STILL look that good 400 years from now. COME ON!

  28. Ron Madson says:

    could it be?….oh my gosh, Bednar is a “Data”—this explains everything…

  29. Tender mercies.

  30. Mommie Dearest says:

    Somehow I’m not bummed that the ratio of female to male commenters here reflects the ratio at that table.

  31. Kirk: Uhura, I want to send a subspace communication to Salt Lake City.

    Uhura: Sorry, Captain, but that is not allowed. You’ll have to take that up with Ensign Bishop, your local chaplain.

    Kirk: How do they get those stories to tell, then?

    Spock: It is not logical!

  32. hahaha kevinf

  33. Eric Russell says:

    What’s not logical is an Ensign chaplain.

  34. “The choir and congregation will now sing, “They, the Builders of the Federation”

    Matsby, you rule.

  35. or, “We will now hear from the All Klingon Choir, Battle Hymn of the Empire.”

  36. “And as I contemplate the eternities with my wife dax Jamic and her trill symbiote xussnex, I think, ‘Can three beings ever be happier? I will answer you, No! Families are forever!”

  37. “I tell you now, that while time travel may titillate and fascinate, it is a temptation that must be shunned. No sentient being within the sound of my voice should be engaged in tampering with temporal loops and inducing causal paradoxes.”

  38. ” . . . and then as we unloaded the food replicators, the refugies from the Sigma 4 supernova said, ‘The first ones on the scene were the LDS, followed by the Mormons.’ Which of course, got a chuckle from the quorum.”

    I could do this all day.

  39. Voice from the Monitor: “President Lorenzo Chi Smith has asked me, President Baurak Ale, to conduct this session of Conference on this blessed Star-date 1830.1. Today’s session will be broadcast to three galaxies and seventy-one known Class-M planets, and it will be watched by two-hundred and fourteen different but convergent humanoid species, breaking the largest audience record in Federation history.

  40. Thomas Parkin says:

    We know that some of you brethren have dabbled with tribbles. Tribbles may look warm and fuzzy, but are very hard to get rid of. The church has warned and warned about tribbles.

  41. Some of you may even believe that, in the face of the Borg, resistance is futile. Not so! Claims that “the Borg assimilated me and made me do it!” will not work at the judgment day.

  42. Assimilation is not a choice, Boz.

  43. Sing a hymn, MCQ. The Borg has no power to assimilate you, except to the extent you let it.

  44. Steve Evans says:


  45. spacecadet says:

    Kirk never knows that Spock spends his free time playing 3D chess with the imprisoned Romulan commander, and Kirk wonders why the bridge is sluggish.

  46. spacecadet says:

    The Borg had no free will until Geordi planted the seed of individuality, which took off like a virus. I Wonder if there was someone assimilated on the Borg ship named Alma.

  47. Mark Brown says:

    Uhura is very pleased to notice that in 2356 there are three female speakers in conference, compared to only two in 2010. Progress!

  48. Mark Brown says:

    Kirk: People, we need to figure out once and for all whether tribbles are male or female, so I’ve called this meeting so we can cast our votes. If you think tribbles are male, please make it manifest by the usual sign.

  49. A Concerned Sister says:

    I find it disheartening that some of the so-called “feminists” in the church keep obsessing over how many women speak in general conference. Guess what, folks? The doctrine will never change! Never! Instead of nit-picking over insignificant details, why can’t we focus on the positive? Just look at officer Uhura. She finds JOY and FULFILLMENT in her divinely appointed role as helpmeet and secretary to the men in the room.

  50. Julie M. Smith says:

    #49 FTW.

  51. “I Wonder if there was someone assimilated on the Borg ship named Alma.”

    Of course. Alma Mobley:

  52. Here she is after assimilation. As you can see, no one would choose this:

  53. “Did you know that if your spacecraft is even just one degree off of the elliptical plane while traveling warp 5 you will soon find yourself outside of the alpha quadrant entirely? Unwise Captains who do not drop out of warp to make necessary course corrections will soon find that they have put themselves and their crew in perilous danger.

    When we find we are in need of a spiritual course correction, drop out of warp immediately, wait for the computer to get its bearings, than go forwardly boldly where spiritually no man has gone before.”

  54. Thomas Parkin says:

    Oh, MCQ. Bravo. How wonderfully obscure of you. Ha!

  55. “Now let’s pretend that the Federation had a commandment—’Thou shalt not fly thy shuttlecraft in the neutral zone.’ As a matter of fact, they did have such a commandment. In order to really be free of the commandment, it becomes necessary for me to add a commandment of my own to the Federation’s commandment, such as, ‘Thou shalt not fly thy shuttlecraft closer than 5,000 parsecs to the neutral zone.’ When you do this, you make the Federation’s commandment of not flying in the neutral zone easy to live, and the safety factor is tremendously increased.”

  56. “In the process of preparing to be a starship captain, I was required to have training in what was called the Kobayashi Maru, which simulated real space flight. There, an instructor would acquaint us with the emergencies which could occur when commanding a starship, sometimes at warp speed.”

  57. “As I was once performing surgery on a man’s heart I came up against a scenario in which the surgery table, limited as it was in those days, couldn’t perform the function necessary to save the man’s life. To my mind’s eye, never having programmed so much as a tri-corder before, the procedures for rewriting the table’s basic operating system streamed before me as if I was in a matrix like trance. Having now gained the knowledge I previously lacked, I was able to reprogram that table and save the man’s life…”

  58. “Pon farr is a river of fire that must be banked and cooled by a hundred logical restraints if it is not to consume in chaos both the individual and the planet.”

  59. Kenji FTW.

  60. So many great comments here.

  61. Where is Languatron when we need him to defend the one true faith?

  62. Is the whole archetecture of the enterprise built to be uncomfortable just so we can have this one picture of people watching conference without anyone asleep?

  63. 62. Checkov might be doing the head bob. Its hard to tell in still imagery.

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