Top Ten Gospel Mysteries Solved via Time Travel

(As determined by the BCC permas)

  1. Who changed the first baby’s first diaper–Adam or Eve?
  2. What did Jesus write in the sand that one time?
  3. Did McClellen steal the blankets?
  4. Crickets and Seagulls….fact or fiction?
  5. Was Eliza pushed, or did she jump?
  6. Was Balaam’s ass really the talkinest darn thing you ever saw?
  7. Um, dinosaurs?
  8. Is NDBF Gary’s name correct?
  9. How bald was Elisha, exactly?
  10. Robot crow?

Did we miss any?


  1. Ace Ventura had a talking ass, so mystery solved.

  2. I want clarification on the whole milk strippings drama…

  3. If we’re throwing out real questions, I want to know who’s call it was to end the Nauvoo Relief Society and when. I hear various names thrown around, but I can’t find any documentary proof for any of them.

    It’s totally a robot crow.

  4. On my wishlist:

    Where are the 116 pages?
    Was Nephi really as annoying a brother as I think he was?
    What was Joseph’s history?

  5. What’s up with that naked guy in the Garden of Gethsemane? (Mark 14:51-52)

  6. Did Lehi bring the ark of the covenant to America?

  7. How the crap did Evans get a Tardis? I’m pissed.

  8. Chris Gordon says:

    Ardis, I can answer the question about Nephi in the affirmative. Doesn’t look like he rubbed off too well on Jacob either. :) Give me more Sam’s and Shiblon’s!

  9. Latter-day Guy says:

    What did Jesus write in the sand that one time?

    He wrote: “This passage is an interpolation of non-Johannine origin.”

  10. Naismith says:

    Lovely, thanks. Made my day.

  11. How are dinosaurs a gospel question? I mean, I get that the post is jokey. But are there actually Mormons who think there’s any gospel question raised by the existence of dinosaurs?

  12. 11: I can’t say for sure about dinosaurs, but I do know of some people who were disturbed by the “Big Bang” – like pictures at the front of the new Gospel Principles. I’m not sure what they wanted, but the correlation-approved images looked too much like the philosophies of those godless scientists, I guess.

  13. No mention of Cain/Big Foot accounts? (Or the Cain – Noah conundrum?)

  14. Karen H. says:

    Well, one mystery is solved. Is Steve Evans adorable or what? The answer is yes, ladies and gentlemen.

  15. Where’s the Sword of Laban?

  16. I think the question has to do with whether dinosaurs fudged their home teaching stats.

  17. robot crow? does that discount the heresay story of the crow trainer who out of the blue showed up at the movie director’s house…his crow could caw on command. I’d like to know a story about a woman or twenty from the Book of Mormon. Or how about, what did the writing on the wall of hte temple that Amulek’s great grandfather translated…what did it say?

  18. observer fka eric s says:

    Which bloggers in the ‘nacle are *really* the Three Nephites?

  19. Who changed the first baby’s first diaper–Adam or Eve?

    Actually I think the serpent did. It’s why there’s still such enmity between it and Eve.

    What did Jesus write in the sand that one time?

    I think early Christian tradition suggest that it was something along the lines of: “No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again! I feel like the maid; ‘I just cleaned up this place! Can’t you keep it clean for 10 minutes!'”

    Crickets and Seagulls….fact or fiction?

    Fiction. The true story is that the seagulls came to rescue the early saints from the chupacabra. The confusion came after many repeats of the story which, like a game of telephone, eventually confused “chupacabra” with “cricket.”

    Was Balaam’s ass really the talkinest darn thing you ever saw?

    Indeed. And after blessing Israel, Balaam and his donkey had waffles.

    How bald was Elisha, exactly?

    Have you seen the guy from Midnight Oil? Like that.

  20. I could tell you observer, but then I’d have to translate you.

  21. observer fka eric s says:

    Ardis, I’ll ask you next week in person at MESG. I’ll be prepared for translation.

  22. Seldom,
    Bart Ehrman suggests he was most likely seeking to be baptized by Jesus – cause apparently in the old days, when you stepped into the water … well, just be grateful.

  23. This post and thread are making my day folks.Thanks!

  24. dinosaurs really mess with the whole “no death before the fall” thing, don’t you think?
    and my question: if innocents were resurrected with Jesus, why are there infant Egyptian mummies still lying around?
    as for what Jesus wrote in the sand, I think it was names of the people in the crowd who were themselves guilty of adultery: Samuel + Jezebel, etc

  25. I get motion sick just turning around too fast. I can only imagine what time travel would do to me…

  26. buraianto says:

    Anita #23, so did James E. Talmage (mess with the no death before the fall).

    I’d like to know if the pre-Nephites had any legends about white people coming to visit their continent.

  27. buraianto says:

    Whoops, Anita, you’re now #24.

  28. I think the question has to do with whether dinosaurs fudged their home teaching stats.

    I’m pretty sure they did. Hence the extinction. Everyone knows fudging home teaching stats is the sin next to the sin next to murder.

  29. Left Field says:

    Crickets and Seagulls….fact or fiction?

    Fiction of course. Because there’s no such thing as a seagull. They were California Gulls, dangit.

  30. #18
    I think one of them is Brother Matsby and another is Axl Rose, Hungry Time Traveler. Otherwise how did he get all those time traveling pictures of Axl Rose.

  31. Uh, people, you’re missing a big one! If you can tardis to the future then you could discover the date of the Second Coming. Simply pick a date in the future roughly when you think it will be. Say in 1,000 years. Ask if Jesus has already come. If yes, ask the date it happened and go watch. If not, go double (2,000 additional years on the second attempt) the number of years and ask again.

  32. Mark B. says:

    What did Adam and Eve eat that first night after getting kicked out? Did they order in Chinese, or a pizza?

  33. How are dinosaurs a gospel question? I mean, I get that the post is jokey. But are there actually Mormons who think there’s any gospel question raised by the existence of dinosaurs?

    Allow me to introduce you to “No Death Before the Fall” theologies…

  34. Who shot first? Most say the mob, but in the new history you can clearly see it was Joseph.

  35. Andrew H says:

    1. Who changed the first baby’s first diaper–Adam or Eve?
    – They made a plural wife do it
    2. Did McClellen steal the blankets?
    – No it was McCloud from “The Highlander”
    3. Crickets and Seagulls….fact or fiction?
    – Fact, but then the Seagulls came back and ate the crops
    4. Was Eliza pushed, or did she jump?
    -Pushed, This was the first “Mormon Celebrity Dearth Match”
    5. Was Balaam’s ass really the talkinest darn thing you ever saw?
    – The real question was did he sound like Shrek when he yelled “Donkey!”
    6. Um, dinosaurs?
    – This was answered by the “Simpsons” when Homer time traveled in one of the “Tree House of Horror” episodes
    7. How bald was Elisha, exactly?
    – Can you sing the “Mr Clean” Song?
    8. Robot crow?
    – Was really a Robot Chicken and the inspiration for the show of the same name

  36. andrewh says:

    That was supposed to be “Death Match”

  37. I kind of liked Celebrity Dearth Match. It’s like an old-tyme arranged marriage between the children of prominent Mormons, designed to increase the number of Mormon Celebrities.

  38. nat kelly says:

    In RS recently that, I have heard Balaam’s ass used as evidence that the serpent in the Garden of Eden was obviously literal and could speak.


  39. nat kelly says:

    Wow, my sentence got all jumbly. I don’t even know how that happened.

    “In RS, I have recently heard…..”

  40. I think we would find it was Tom Servo not a robot Crow.

    And speaking of “science,” some years ago when the Eyring Science Building had that observatory on top, they had a switch that turned on the demonstration of the Big Bang. I know because I switched it, but I probably shouldn’t admit that.

    And I did have all things explained to me on my mission about Bigfoot/Cain and the Hollow Earth Theory proved by Facsimile No. 2.

  41. That crazy BYU. Not only do they demonstrate the Big Bang, but they even have this dinosaur museum. And they teach evilution! McNaughton’s right; there’s full-fledged apostasy at BYU. Liberals and intellectuals running the place. The horror!

  42. Honey badgers killed the dinosaurs.

  43. CS Eric says:

    I thought my question was being asked when it started out “Who shot first?” But then it turned to Joseph and the mob. I thought it was going to be the more crucial question of whether it was Han Solo who shot first.

    I believe he did.

  44. Clockwork Owl?

  45. andrewh says:

    Not only did Han shoot first, in the original Greedo never even shot!

  46. There’s just no way Tom Servo ever gets a temple recommend.

  47. I’d like to now what was the song they played when the walls of Jerico fell down.
    What about the sixteen jaredite stones, are they still glowing and did they use them as flashlights after their journey?
    Did the sun really stood still at the time of Joshua?

    So many questions, time machine would be really handy.

  48. Brent C says:

    “Sooner or later the lunatic will bring up the Templars”–Eco

  49. jJulie M. Smith says:

    ““This passage is an interpolation of non-Johannine origin.””


  50. Master Blaster says:

    re: #47
    They played the Krokus song “Balls to the Wall”.

  51. Y’all might want to save one time trip for this: A publicist has recently asked me to review a book where one of the selling points was that it would do for Mormonism what The DaVinci Code did for Catholicism. (Who could resist agreeing to review a book like that? /evil cackle/) A time trip may be necessary to sort out the secret issues certain to be raised therein.

  52. Ardis is it fiction or “fact”? Fictional book could be good, well, at least readable. If it’s “fact” then it is no news.

  53. We know the Brother of Jared’s real name…but did he go by his real name or by “The Brother of Jared”…and why don’t we know him by his real name in the first place? Also…why don’t we know very much about Jared? Is there a hidden gem behind this strange naming convention that we have just been conditioned to accept?

  54. (in case you clicked my name above – try again on this one…)

  55. Michael says:

    Just what *was* the date of the visit from Peter, James, and John?

    Did Brother Brigham give the order to shoot or not?

    As soon as those items are set, I’m gathering up a few IMAX 3D cameras and headed back in time to watch Elijah put the smack-down on the Priests of Baal.

  56. Guys, we’re getting hung up on historical trivia, when there were giant carnivorous lizards roaming the earth for millions of years.

  57. Was one of the original 12 a boat captain with chiseled good looks and a certain debonair urbanity who spoke Aramaic with a mild German accent? Or were they all just frumpy fishermen?

  58. Mommie Dearest says:

    I personally would have reservations about visiting a time that has giant carnivorous lizards. Yanno, just in case I didn’t make it back into the Tardis in time. No reservations about hanging around Nauvoo however, and I’d go watch Vermeer paint that young woman with a water pitcher, or the lacemaker.

  59. Karen H. says:

    Mahonri Moriancumr. Yawn.

  60. Brother Bryson says:

    @59. I already knew his real name – the question is did he go by that and if so, why don’t we call him that? Pretentious Yawn.

  61. Today I plan to watch a show on Netflix streaming called Time Travel Through the Bible… “Jonathan Frakes (of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” fame) serves as the time-traveling host of this teen-friendly exploration of biblical history.”

    I believe this will answer all of our questions.

  62. Hopefully we can get a Carol Mikita special on it this October.

  63. Chad Too says:

    @31 Arj: Determining the date of the Second Coming as a time-space continuum version of the Clock Game from The Price Is Right?!? I am SO in.

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