Twas the Morning of Finals

Twas the morning of finals, when all through the dorms
Freshmen were dressing, disguising their forms.
Sarah’s head scarf was tied round her with care,
In hopes that the boys wouldn’t notice her there.

Students filled desks, not snuggled in  beds,
While visions of straight As danced in their heads.
And Sarah in head scarf, and I in my jeggings,
Had just cleansed our brains from the sight of men’s meggings.

When down at the testing center there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the supervisor I flew like a flash,
The staffers were treating us girls like such trash.

Student male gaze on skinny jeans, lo
Gave lust by mid-day to objects below.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But burqa clad Sarah, seductive eyes causing fear.

Her beautiful eyes, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment it must be a trick!
More rapid than eagles our accusers they came,
They whistled, and shouted, and called us by name!

 “Now Flasher! now, Dancer! You BYU  tempting Saudi sex vixen!

No jeggings, no leggings! No skinny jeans whoa! On women like you we shouldn’t be fixin!
So go out the door! Out the door our Downfall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

 As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up went the sign to change the course they all flew,
To hear no more complaints from boys, and girls too.

 And then, in a twinkling, I heard from a kid,
What had started the scuffle, and of jeggings did rid,

Distracted male students were all around,
One in particular to staffers had bound.

“She wore sexy skinny jeans!” he quickly proclaimed.
“So I failed organic chemistry!” he anxiously blamed.
A bundle of books he had flung on his back,  

As he was a student, carrying his backpack.

“Her eyes how they twinkled! Her dimples how merry!
Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry!
Her sweet little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on her head long and shiny did flow.

“The smack of her gum held tight in her teeth,
The CTR necklace round her neck like a wreath.
Pretty and slender, no visible belly,
That shook when she laughed, like a bowl full of jelly!

“She was gentle and loving, no visions of self,
But I stared when I saw her, in spite of myself!
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
Soon gave me to know my O-Chem was dead!

“She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
Filling in scantron bubbles, all with much perk.
And laying her pencil aside of her nose,
And giving a nod, I noticed her clothes.

She sprang from her desk, and I longed to whistle,
Her beauty a thorn in my side or a thistle.
I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she walked out of sight,
‘A good day to all,’ but her jeans were too tight!”

For more commentary see here, here, here and here.


  1. Amanda in France says:

    Excellent poem! Chapeau!

    I am appalled at the ban. Girls here wouldn’t know what to wear.

  2. Haha! Laughter is the best medicine.

    (Wow, I clicked the “BYU” link in the post, and it tells the story of poor Rachel Vermillion, a student who was turned away from the Testing Center just 30 minutes before the closing and was thus unable to take a test. Yikes. Sad story!)

  3. Cynthia it just screams sexual harassment lawsuit!

  4. Poor student. He’s probably really good at chemistry, just needs a little direction on what subjects to study :P

  5. “Jeggings” eh? I for one learned a new word today.

  6. I’m sorry, I just cannot read this post. The picture at the top made me want to start singing every hymn in the book.

  7. In reading the story, it seems it’s not just sexism at play, but size-ism. Awful. And she reports she was not wearing skinny jeans. Maybe her sin was in failing to be modestly hot.

  8. Well done, sister!

  9. @mmiles, yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking. That employee sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

  10. If I were a student at BYU-I right now I would be encouraging my fellow students to purchase special “Test-Taking Pants.” They would look like this:

  11. This will do nothing for BYU-I’s reputation as a more fascist little sister to BYU.

  12. I just learned from the Daily Mail, apparently on the basis of a well-placed source at a Sandy Trunk-or-Treat, that Mormonism bans masks. Although, they helpfully add, this is NOT found in the Book of Mormon. In fact, scholars debate the first occurrence of the so-called “Mask Prophesy”, with some arguing that the original source was Joseph Smith and others positing Heber C Kimball based on its linguistic stylings (unfortunately all we have is a composite from several sources so the original text is unclear). Meanwhile secular critics regard mask backlash as a consequence of the Kirtland Safety Society investing heavily in mask future and subsequently collapsing, although numerous journal entries from the time clearly attribute the bold new doctrine to the will of the Lord. “It was hard turning frm the circus-de-sol,” wrote Able Whiting, “but the will of the Lord was manifest and I perseveerd [sic]”.

    Regardless, the absolute ban on masks has throughout the years morphed into a more gradual disapproval of trans-gendered costumes, which is admittedly more cultural than doctrinal.

  13. “This will do nothing for BYU-I’s reputation as a more fascist little sister to BYU.” It will solidify it. ;)

    However, this ban was lifted in the wake of scandal. In standard Mormon fashion, no apologies were issued, but there was much rejoicing in their new found freedom.

    I’m starting to believe that the only way to get ridiculous Mormon stuff resolved is to take it to a public forum. Thanks to the GOP nomination process, there are plenty of folks willing to reprint stories that put us in a ridiculous light of our own making. Then someone has to address it rather than be seen to defend the indefensible. It’s a painful little peer review process we’ve got going on.

  14. On the bright side:

    Since rumors prevail more than fact, my grandchildren and their children will not have to face seeing skinny jeans on the Almost-But-Not-Really-So-We’re-Going-To-Call-It-That-To-Make-You-Feel-Better Lord’s Campus.

    Bet next year it’ll be added to the list of inappropriate clothing in a last minute update to the Strength for Youth (because standards never change according to John Bytheway).

  15. I never thought I’d say this, but right now I really wish I were back at BYU. I would totally buy some special test-taking pants. Instead of Hammer pants, I’d probably go with break-away warm-up pants. Then I could whoosh them off once safely inside revealing some tights underneath. Gasp! Tights!

  16. #11 & #14

    You know my worry is where are the normal BYU-I college students who should be causing all types of fun college mischief over this? Maybe they are just so beaten down over random arbitrary rules being imposed on a whim they just can’t bring themselves to resist anymore? It shouldn’t have to hit Gawker to bring such overreaching twittiness to their uncomfortable attention. Maybe we can help them out per Jeremy and create a list of ways take matters like these into there own hands. If you were a student on campus how would you suggest driving home the point?

    1) Get a group to wear hammer pants to the testing center for every test during finals (love it Jeremy)
    2) Have a group of girls start wear homemade burqa’s to the testing center
    3) Post a sign reminding students there will be no “Tebowing” before and after exams since “unnecessarily gaudy displays of religiosity are not compatible with true discipleship…”

    I am sure you all have better ideas than those. Lets give those BYU-I students some help.

  17. oops apologies for the the typos small keyboard.

  18. Amen to #17 — where are the pranksters? This is a golden opportunity. Their inability to take advantage of this may scare me more than anything else.

    Then again, maybe it’s a publicity issue — if the Scroll won’t report it, how is anyone ever going to find out it happened?

    As unimpressed as I have been with many of the revived Student Review pieces (their statistical analysis about BYU professors’ political affiliation being the prime example), at least they’ll disseminate things like this (if, at first, imprecisely) — I’m sure the Universe would never touch it. So carry on, Student Review.

  19. How does anything get done on that campus?

  20. It could be worse. At least BYU hasn’t banned Bananas and Cucumbers yet.

  21. Let’s get real, the guy in charge at the testing center is obviously a hero. It is a well know medical and mental health fact that men are slobbering beasts that have no control when “Walking pornography” ( enters the room. Mr. testing center was just exercising his priesthood to protect all of us good for nothing men from a potential “Pornpocolypse.” ;) (was my sarcasm meter on high enough?)

  22. That should have said, “Exercising his priesthood duty” by the way. That’s what I get for hitting enter too fast.

  23. Like I said, a scandal every year. The HC is all about serving a brand, not Christ.

  24. The more this stuff gets out in the public eye, the more it will get resolved. I’d love it if just once we would learn to peer review ourselves, but we seem to be culturally incapable of weeding out our own baseless zealotry or foreseeing the consequences of our actions like rational people (in this case outsiders) do. Kudos to the Student Review (although I too am disappointed in SR’s lack of snark and silliness- their writing is just too earnest! Where are the days of Jeff and Pat Holland paper dolls cut-outs?). They seem to be getting attention (as does the Unifarce) from outsiders; outsiders seem to view the SR as a lone voice of reason in a sea of Unifarce apologetics and policy-justifying ludicrousness. So let’s just remember, non-LDS people are looking at us, and they aren’t under the mistaken notion that we’re infallible.

  25. “I’m sorry, I just cannot read this post. The picture at the top made me want to start singing every hymn in the book.”

    Mark, It is clear your conscience has not been melted by a hot searing iron the way mine has. Count yourself blessed. I could look at the jeans while drinking a cup of steaming hot cocoa and still feel nothing in the dark and vacant place where my heart used to be.

  26. Mommie Dearest says:

    The article about the curvy young woman rushing from a ward business consult with her bishop to take a test at the testing center, and being refused entrance does indeed smack of sizeism, and it raised my hackles — enough to comment on a blog about it.

    The pharisees running the testing center clearly have no appreciation for how good and decent the students at BYU-I really are. They (the jerks at the TC) are begging to be thoroughly pranked. They deserve a No Pants Day event (wiki that!) but the already sober-minded students they are blessed with would likely not get on that bandwagon.

  27. “So let’s just remember, non-LDS people are looking at us, and they aren’t under the mistaken notion that we’re infallible”
    Yes Hawkgirl, this whole situation has been really embarrassing for us. I like the idea of peer reviewing ourselves, and wish there was a way to do that, but it seems the zealotry at the testing center was unstoppable. I hope this makes people realize trying to regulate things like clothing that is too tight using whatever subjective measuring stick you want in the moment is a bad idea. It really is not better than deciding if eyes are tempting or not.

    Mommie Dearest,
    Indeed. It’s extremely problematic when a staffer has developed the idea that he has the right to look at a girl and decide whether or not she is dressed appropriately and behave so badly toward her.

  28. Another idea: perhaps we should start quantifying the extent to which idiotic choices by Mormons reflect poorly on the Church. I propose the implementation of a unit of measurement. The PR impact of a public act by a known Mormon, and the extent of its press coverage, can be expressed in BFIMs, or Brandon-Flowers-Is-Mormon units, one of which is equivalent to the positive PR created by the Brandon Flowers “I’m a Mormon” video. The Utah Winter games in 2002 garnered about +100 BFIMs. John Huntsman not being totally insane (+5 BFIMs), minus Mitt Romney’s clunky interpersonal skills (-4 BFIMs) and waffling on issues (-8 BFIMs), results in a net -7 BFIM rating for the 2012 GOP Primary. I don’t have the time to conduct a full analysis of SkinnyJeansGate, but a quick scan of YouTube and Facebook metrics suggests that Mr. No-Skinny-Jeans cost the Church about -50 BFIMs.

  29. God bless ISU

  30. “No, Bishop, I wasn’t leering at her; I was making sure she was following the dress code!”

  31. WOW!!! Never went to a church scholl and never will. One could write a book about the difference between Utah/Idaho mormons and the rest of us. What is in the water in the moutain west?

  32. Yes I know I spelled School wrong. I hit the post button and lost any chance of correction. :(

  33. “We do not want an environment on this campus characterized by self-appointed, judgmental, and self-righteous spiritual vigilantes.” — David A. Bednar, Ricks College devotional, Sept. 1, 1998

  34. This reaffirms my decision to encourage my kids to attend “worldly” colleges and to avoid EFY’s like the the plague.
    Nothing like having our craziness on display, for the whole world to see. This will set missionary work back at least a month.
    I love the Hammer Pants idea. I wore them when they were fashionable, and I gotta say, they are comfy. Although they are tight at the ankles. That could pose a modesty problem. Best be safe and go with Burkas.

  35. If the BYUs hired a PR person to be in charge of making their schools look ridiculous he/she wouldn’t have anything to do, the job is already being done.

  36. @Thomas Parkin #26:

    where my heart used to be.


  37. I thought Ricks–er, I mean BYU-I–would lose some of this silliness when it graduated from junior collegedom.

    Some kids just never learn.

  38. #3 There was a similar scandal at the BYU testing center in the early 2000s. A male employee turned away a female test taker for her shirt being “too tight”. She threatened to sue for sexual harassment and after that employees at the testing center were not allowed to turn anyone way for perceived “dress code violations”. This is for reals because I worked there from 2002-2005 and when I started, they told me never to turn anyone away based on dress. I don’t think this was known to the general public. Lucky for BYU that their incident happened before social media.

  39. FYI – here’s the woman in question with the offending outfit.

  40. Wow. That’s it huh. And all this fuss.

  41. Cameltoe. Look it up on the internet. The essence of skinny jeans. No cameltoe, no issue

  42. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

  43. This is a lovely rendition of the news from Idaho. What would be really good, though, would be to for someone to dub over an old Miss Piggy and Kermit dialogue, the kind that ended with “Kiii-YAA!”

  44. Stephen M (Ethesis) says:

    Shreds…. Bless their hearts.

  45. FMH has taken this subject on, with a few new “ads”:

    Yet, someone had a link there to BYU Cheerleaders at work:

    Shame on me, but the jeans Rachel V. is wearing seem tame.

  46. Mommie Dearest says:

    @ # 42: I hate to break it to ya, elbs, but the essence of skinny jeans is that they fit the lower leg snugly, from knee to ankle. Also, the woman in the link in #40 is not wearing skinny jeans. Those are standard issue bootcut jeans, with slight flare from knee to ankle. They’re practically a uniform for young Mormon women for at least the past 6 years. I can’t fathom what the TC Nazi was thinking.

  47. The woman who was asked to leave the testing center a few days ago is not Rachel Vermillion. Different story…

  48. Oops; I stand corrected. On other blogs, folks are claiming Vermillion was kicked out of school, not just the testing center. Sorry!

  49. Bay Linda,
    If you follow the links in the post, the real story is there. She was not kicked out of school.

  50. Here’s what Rachel Vermillion was wearing, if anyone cares:

  51. elbsightz – cameltoe in denim is highly unlikely. That usually occurs in clingy fabrics with lycra, like yoga pants. Skinny jeans are worn by both sexes anyway. Rachel Vermillion is clearly wearning normal jeans because they are not tight between the knee and ankle.

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