President-elect Romney

When Mitt Romney is selected as the Republican nominee and is eventually elected President of the United States, what should his first words be?

BONUS QUESTION: What should be President Mitt’s first executive order to help usher in the new era (ha! get it? the NEW ERA?) of Mormon domination?


  1. MaliMormon says:

    Hi, I’m Mitt. I’m handsomer and richer than you AND President of the United States. And I am a Mormon.

  2. First executive order: A jello salad on every table and consecrated jet skis in every three-car garage.

  3. I, Mitt, having been born of goodly parents,therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father (regarding Civil Rights); and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days (like religious prejudice), nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days (I’m president!); yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God (I’m a Mormon!), therefore I make this inaugural address.

  4. * (regarding Civil Rights, governorship and campaigns)

  5. For the first time in my adult life I’m really proud of my country?

  6. Surely you’re referring to his son, Tag.

  7. The White Horse has arrived.

  8. Neener, neener, neener. Obvious.

  9. “See this thread???”

  10. He will not be the Republican nominee. That is going to be Santorum. If he can’t even pick up Colorado, how can he win?

  11. “For behold, the field is white already to harvest…”

  12. Or:

    “And it will come to pass that I, Mitt, will cause my people to be industrious, and to labor with their hands. And … they would that I should be their king. But I, Mitt, was desirous that they should have no king; nevertheless, I did for them according to that which was in my power.”

  13. You like me, you really like me!

  14. “I’m not Newt.”

  15. I voted “Neener neener,” but is it terribly cynical of me to imagine him saying it to, well, everybody but the wealthy?

  16. No words will be necessary. He’ll just do a Tebow.

  17. I like comment #3.

  18. wreddyornot says:

    Well, I’m known for changing my postion. I therefore hereby declare that I’m now a Democrat. I was converted during the debates with President Obama. It’s the least I can do since I defeated the better man.

  19. “I humbly stand before you in accordance with the prophecy. Meet my friends, the 3 Nephites.”

  20. “Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.”

  21. Now that I’m president, I expect to be the first person to win the Mormon of the Year award, twice.

  22. “Marvin … What do we do now?”

  23. Last Lemming says:

    “Allow me to introduce my cabinet:

    Secretary of State–Thomas Monson
    Secretary of the Treasury–Tom Perry
    Secretary of Defense–Boyd Packer
    Attorney General–Dallin Oaks
    Secretary of the Interior–Jeffrey Holland
    Secretary of Agriculture–Richard Scott
    Secretary of Commerce–Quentin Cook
    Secretary of Labor–Robert Hales
    Secretary of Health and Human Resources–Russell Nelson
    Secretary of Housing and Urban Development–Todd Christofferson
    Secretary of Transportation–Dieter Uchtdorf (we’ll take care of that citizenship thing before his confirmation hearing)
    Secretary of Energy–Henry Eyring
    Secretary of Education–David Bednar
    Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs–Russell Ballard
    Secretary of Homeland Security–Neil Anderson (got to keep him last)”

  24. #23 brilliant for lining up the succession to President within the cabinet with the Quorum. Only problem is you now need to replace the Speaker of the House and President Pro Tempore as Mormons to have all bases covered. And who would his VP be, Jeff Flake? That and the whole, well Jesus is in charge anyway.

  25. Last Lemming says:

    Unfortunately, the President does not get to appoint the Speaker or the President Pro Tempore. I’d suggest that Harry Reid assume the latter post, but we’ll need him to shepherd all of the cabinet appointments through the Senate, and only a Majority Leader can do that. Maybe Jason Chaffetz can get himself elected Speaker–him or Raul Labrador. As for VP, I think we’ll have to get the missionaries over to Marco Rubio’s pronto.

  26. LOL, I wasn’t suggesting the President could make those changes, I was merely projecting what would need to happen for the Fantasy Football succession team to go all in on your approach.

  27. Nah, he’ll just call the Cabinet his High Council.

    Or he’ll call the Secretary of State and Defense to be his counselors, the Secretary of the Defense to be an assistant to them, and introduce the rest as the Quorum of the Twelve Secretaries.

  28. “My dear brethren and sisters…”

  29. StillConfused says:

    As he tears up …”I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry…”

  30. StillConfused says:

    My husband says “By presidential decree, I declare that Monday night is family night and all governmental buildings must be closed by 6pm.”

  31. As he tears up …”I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry…”

    #29 FTW

  32. “When I saw President Obama’s number on the caller ID, I knew I would be speaking tonight.”

  33. “I want to first say how much I love my wife and kids…”

  34. Brothers and sisters, Webster’s Dictionary defines “inauguration” as …”

  35. Larry the cable-guy says:

    Re: #11

    “For behold, the horse is white, already to harness.”

  36. I sooo need a like button for some of these!

  37. John Mansfield says:

    Start with “I would be very ungrateful if I didn’t come up and stand before you today.” Then, narrate an inspiring incident that happened while on a campaign bus driving through Ohio.

  38. This is premature…’s up in the air who will be the candidate, let alone president. We could end up with anybody in this crazy country. But this is very funny.

  39. I vote for MaliMormon :)

    …have you guys ever accidentally ended a speech with “I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.” THAT would be pretty funny…to Mormons.

  40. I’ll like to stand and bear my PREZ-TIMONY…

  41. This is going to be a paycut from what I’m used to, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

  42. observer fka eric s says:

    “I *really* was not planning on being up here today . . .”

  43. annegb – If I wait any longer, it could be totally irrelevant! We have to make these jokes while the sun shines!

  44. I didn’t prepare any remarks tonight so I hope the spirit blesses me with something appropriate to say.

  45. Before or after he wakes up from the dream and realizes he isn’t actually the president?

  46. After his obituary was mistakenly published, Mark Twain sent a cable from London stating “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

    So might Rick Santorum say to the heading of this blog article.

  47. “I’d like to thank Tim Tebow and Jimmer for uniting as one to put me over the top”.

  48. Comment #1, MaliMormon, FTW. And BCofW.

  49. I want to especially thank those of you wearing your CTR rings (ComMITTed To ROMNEY)

  50. Brothers and Sisters – I mean, my fellow Americans, when the voters of this republic called me to speak today on the Constitution, I was a little nervous . . .

  51. First Line: Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am SEVERELY Mormon.

    First Executive Order(s): The White House has now become the new command center of my church and will be known as Salt Lake East. My veep, Thomas S. Monson, already is used to attending funerals of little old ladies so attending funerals of little old foreign dignitaries/dictators will be right up his alley. Iran may have nukes but I have the Sword of Laban! All economic woes can be cured by sending 10% of your income to my church. No further decisions will be made until I consult the Liahona and/or my Urim & Thummim. God bless you and God bless…ZION!!!!!

  52. C’mon kc, we all know that Romney’s moving the Capitol to Independence Missouri…..

    Let’s get it straight.

  53. I have worked for weeks on this inaugural speech and I thought it was perfect, but as I woke up this morning, I had the distinct impression that I should share a different message today . . .

  54. Last Lemming says:

    With reference to comment #25, I did my best to maintain Rubio’s cover, but the dang media has blown it. Now everybody knows that he is the Church’s Manchurian candidate for VP, which probably dooms his chances. Oh well.