BCC is pleased to be the first to bring you the exciting news that President Monson as been asked to play Bilbo Baggins in Peter Jackson’s new movie ‘The Hobbit.’ Because the previously slated actor had a contract dispute, President Monson has agreed to fill the role. Here in an exclusive interview are the details.
BCC: President Monson can you tell us how this happened?
PM: Certainly. I was in New Zealand dedicating the Island to the return of the extinct Giant Moa, which are being produced by the Chruch’s secret cloning laboratory . . .
BCC: Wait . . . What?
PM: Nevermind, I’m not suppose to mention that am I, strike that will you?
BCC: We’ll see what we can do.
PM: Anyway, I was in New Zealand for top secret reasons. We were visiting the set of Hobbiton. A group of little hobbit children (actors of course) had gathered around. I was passing out chewing gum and showing them how to wiggle their ears, when Peter came out of one of the trailers in a fury because the Bilbo actor had just quit, and he stood watching for a few minutes and hired me on the spot.
PM: I know!
BCC: So I understand that you have greatly influenced the movie. Can you give me an example?
PM: Yes. The entire opening as been rewritten under my direction. Now it begins with me and the Gaffer, Mr. Gamgee, walking down a pleasant path in Westfarthing. The birds are singing and the sun is glancing off of the yellow fall leaves on a warm autumn afternoon. We are in a hurry to get to a party and we are late. Suddenly I get a feeling I should visit one of the hobbit widows. It’s absurd of course. We are late and the feeling comes out of the blue. But I tell the Gaffer that I must go visit the Widow Proudboffen. He is shocked because we will be very late, but I insist and ask him to give them my apologies. When I arrive the widow is sad because she has not received a letter from her family she was expecting, but I find it in the bushes and give it to her. Overjoyed, she then tells me a riddle that later becomes important in my game with Gollum.
PM: I know!
BCC: What else can you tell me about the filming?
PM: Well after I baptized Ian McKellen . . .
BCC: Wait . . . you baptized Ian McKellen?
PM: Whoops that was suppose to be a secret/surprise as well. But yes. Anyway, after I baptized Ian McKellen we became as thick as thieves travelling through New Zealand and exchanging our favorite lines from Shakespeare and such. Good times.
BCC: Well, I see Peter Jackson and Ian want spirit you away, but one more quick question. Do you see yourself playing in any more movies?
PM: No. This was a one-time thing. I felt inspired to do it, but the demands of the Kingdom are my first priority, as you know.
BCC: President it has been a pleasure. Thank you.
PM: The pleasure was all mine.