I’ve been a member of the BCC community for only about a year, but unfortunately for me, unlike the majority of my fellow bloggers here, most of that time has not included the heretofore ubiquitous, all-encompassing presence of Steve Evans.
Our illustrious, mysterious founder initiated the BCC Conglomerate (May It Live Forever!)* on March 12, 2004, with this post: Welcome All! The last time Steve posted on the blog was on February 13, 2012, a post that carried the apt, thoroughly Evans-esque title, To all the stupid people.
He then disappeared.
Ostensibly, his initial disappearance was supposedly for an Internet fast in honor of Lent.** Some of us claim to have actually had contact with him individually during this time, though we can’t really prove it. My one or two “contacts” could easily be explained as an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. I’ve never even met Steve in person; I rely on the testimonies of others that he does indeed exist. Or once did. Or maybe he never did.
Which leads me to posit some theories about where Steve might have gone, or what he might be currently doing.
- Martian astronaut (pictured).
- Lowly Production Assistant/Babysitter for film crew on set of Star Wars B Movie parody.
- “Steve Evans” never existed. Either a sophisticated Robocall that acquired sentience or a Cleverbot designed by the brilliant Cynthia Lee. In which case Cynthia has some ‘splainin’ to do.
- Bizarro Nate Oman, Nate Oman’s crazy liberal alter ego (this might explain the relentless stigmatizing of Times and Seasons on the blog. Or maybe it’s because T&S is so laughably second-rate).
- Called as a bishop.
- Called as a Scoutmaster. Either way.
- Called abruptly as a Seventy then immediately emeritized and sent away to serve as “Future President of the Pyongyang Temple.”
- Dead. No obituary, no funeral. Buried in an unmarked grave somewhere in Canada.
- Working full-time on capitalizing on Mormon Broadway success writing hit musical, “Adam and Steve (and Lehi!).”
- Hasn’t yet been informed that Lent only lasts 6 weeks.
- Merged with Scott Bosworth to become Stott Evansworth, a killer giant robot that regularly terrorizes Tokyo.
- Choked on a Triscuit. Dead.
Please feel free to comment with your own theories. Who knows? Maybe STVH EVNS himself (May He Live Forever!) will appear and offer some theories of his own.
*As a contributor at BCC, every time we mention the BCC name or Steve’s name we are enjoined to follow with, “May It [He] Live Forever!”***
**Of course, that sounds exactly like something a SCMC spy might say when his cover is blown and he has to be extracted. Just sayin’.
***Technically, though, the Founder’s name should be written as a holy theonym–STVH EVNS–in order not to blaspheme its holy nature. (סטיבן and Στέφανος are also appropriate spellings). However, because BCC (May It Live Forever!) is an unthinking liberal cesspool of sin and filth, we don’t normally pay attention to this convention.