The premises of this post are simple:
1. Mormons can be really weird or strange (read: royally peculiar). This isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all, but
2. Married Mormons can double the weird
3. Newly married student Mormons can re-define the weird completely.
This post was suggested to me by Friends of the Blog who were discussing some of the strange stories they heard from people who had lived in married student housing on LDS campuses. Like most college campus housing units, these units aren’t usually designed for, uh, privacy. All kinds of interesting/unusual/creepy goings-on can be encountered in married student housing. In one story, for example, were accounts of couples who would sing hymns together after lovemaking.
No, seriously. Look, I didn’t say there was any conceivably good reason for this. It’s not like we could interview the post-coital choir as to what could possibly possess them to sing “I Am a Child of God” after sex. What? Haha, yeah, “How Firm a Foundation” is even better.
Ok, that’s enough.
Tell us about your experiences in married or family student housing, LDS as well as non-LDS. Anything particularly memorable?
By Common Consent, a Mormon Blog 
I suppose that Come thou fount of every blessing is an even “better” song to mention in this context
I’m pretty sure Jacob just won the comment thread:)
I’m pretty sure for me, it was overhearing our upstairs neighbors fight and, um, make-up frequently. Favorite fight? They were obviously doing things that, um, married BYU couples do, but somehow a fight broke out during their bedroom time, and we overheard the line from the wife: “don’t touch me! I am NOT your mother!”
Ooh, this is gonna be good. I can’t wait to read a bunch of responses tomorrow!
Sadly, I have never lived in married student housing…
I shall never be able to listen/sing those three songs again with a straight face!
I can’t unsee this post.
I suspect this story is embellished, if not entirely fabricated, but a friend of a friend once recounted hearing his upstairs neighbor in Wymount calling for help. He and his wife found a way inside the apartment and discovered the wife handcuffed to the bed and the husband passed out of the floor. Supposedly they’d been engaged in a Superman-style rescue roleplay, but the husband had jumped too high when taking off from atop the dresser and hit his head on the ceiling. The storyteller received a thank-you note a few days later.
Come, Come Ye Saints.
Wymount Terrace AKA “The Rabbit Hutches”.
Wow. Everyone has their own habits, but these are…odd. Keep ’em coming!!
I did not attend BYU, but I served part of my mission there. Our apartment was at Wymount. For some reason, no one spoke to us or made eye contact. Maybe they felt bad for us…
Not that my sisters and I EVER did this as teens, but if we HAD added “in bed” to the end of every single hymn title, the best one definitely would have been “Men are That They Might Have Joy.” (am I going to hell?)
@J I think that is the most I’ve laughed at a post on here ever.
@ben #9– “Odd” is a charitable word. I’d say “creepy”.
Northwood V at Michigan circa 1984: Michigan is a Mecca for graduate programs of all sorts and really caters to married students. Well built 2 story townhouses with basement. Much better than anything we had at BYU where we had our first child. Could only hear neighbors from basement. But the place was overrun with roaches! Had second child before moving on when prof transferred to Princeton.
Marshall at Princeton circa 1987: Horrible WWII era barracks. Really sucked w/ two kids vs. what we had at Michigan. Surprised my wife didn’t leave me then (still happily married 32 years). Princeton is more of an undergrad place and didn’t really cater to married students. Was really glad when I finished!
Hold to the rod, the iron rod?
I think the best way to describe the OP would be the hymn, “Come, Rejoice.”
Having spent more than half our marriage (of just over two years, don’t get too excited) in BYU and BYU-Idaho married student housing, the weirdest thing would be the couple above us in Provo that just screamed at each other all the time. I would hear her crying through our bathroom. :/ Currently, the couple above us has a very squeaky bed. I’ll just leave it at that.
PS – “What Glorious Scenes Mine Eyes Behold.”
I will never be able to keep a straight face in church ever again.
Not a married student housing story, but connected to it. One summer, I worked the grounds crew at the Provo temple. Early one morning, the story was related of a couple who had been discovered late at night on the temple grounds. Naked, under a blanket, engaged in coitus. Once disturbed by a security guard with a flashlight, the male valiantly attempted to distract the guard from his wife’s embarrassment by showing off his temple recommend and marriage license (who ever carries those around anyway?). Once the couple had clothed themselves, they threw themselves on the guard’s mercy, pleading that the walls were so thin at Wymount that it was impossible for them to have any privacy, especially with their newborns awake at all ours, so they hire a babysitter and got out for a late evening of enjoyment. The guard at this point (or so the story was told) asked why they didn’t just go to a hotel. “Do you have any idea how much hotels cost?” was the response.
The Hymn suggestions are hilarious, I’m sure there is no end to the double entedres to be found in LDS Hymn titles.
Given this talk the one that springs to mind was in our off-campus married student housing. It seemed like just about every Sunday afternoon after morning church the downstairs neighbors in our row apartments would put on quite a performance in the bedroom. I mean, this is like Hollywood/porn movie parody-lovemaking, every week. At first it was embarrassing, then funny, then just downright annoying because it was so consistently overdone. It made me start to wonder if they were acting this way for each other or to show off / annoy all the neighbors.
I’m sure there have got to be other stories besides just the repercussions of living around individuals newly liberated in the physical contact realm. I can’t wait to read them.
We never lived in married student housing (but in basement apartments) at BYU. But we did at the University of Illinois. Our apartment had roaches–ugh. It was, unlike BYU, extremely cosmopolitan; one family from Africa butchered a goat in their apartment.
I stand all amazed…
Did the Y in the late ’80s. Survived both single and married wards. Oh, the tales I could tell!
Couple in our FHE group had farting wars to see who could gross the other one out of bed to turn on the wall heater on cold winter mornings. Clearly my friends had more important things to do than sing hymns post-coital.
My husband was in a PH meeting where some early prophet, I’ll say Pres. Smith because I have a higher probability of being right, was quoted about Sunday observance and said something to the effect that no exertion whatsoever is allowed on the Sabbath. All of the men burst out laughing together, including the teacher. Hubby says he remembers the same quote given in a singles ward years before but with no laughter following it–it took on a new meaning in the married ward. Pretty sure no one followed that admonition with exactness.
Lived in what we lovingly referred to as the brick ovens–an all brick building built probably in the 30s with hand roll out windows that had no A/C. In the summer, if you were out on the lawn, couples ‘extracurricular activities’ were overheard and commented on. “She’s a screamer” or “Is everything all right up up there? Should we call 9-1-1?” People soon got the hint and then started closing their windows when it was their bonding time. This then became the new signal and new catcalling began. “Why are you guys closing your windows when it’s 95 degrees? You must need help. We’re coming up!”
Also, did anyone else have the creepy high councilors and their wives show up to tell us to have sex often and “vigorously” then share TMI from their own lives about how wonderful it is “after a while of getting used to each others’ bodies? Of course this was after being in the singles ward where the high councilors and their wives would come in and tell us NOT to have sex before marriage (bad, bad, bad) but to wait until we were married when we could have it often and vigorously (good, good, good). Pretty much the only function of a high councilor I ever saw in a BYU ward was to talk about sex, either pro or con depending on what type of ward it was.
Thanks for the walk down memory lane. Pretty sure these puppies wouldn’t ever grace the pages of the BYU Alumni Magazine….
Hmm… I’ll never see hymns the same way again. I was about to post them, but I think people should probably go through this list on their own.
http://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns?lang=eng
Truth be told, I don’t see these as funeral marches anymore. Thanks for the post.
I’m skeptical about Come Thou Fount. It has been disfellowshipped from the hymnal.
I hate to add a 3rd comment, but in light of “A darn shame,” one might consider the hymn “Who’s on the Lord’s Side?”
Senile – it’s status is secure, as it has been quoted many times by apostles who are now dead. If an apostle said it, it must be right!
He is risen
Our first apartment right near BYU was below a couple who would fight and shout a lot, but that’s a sad story and not a funny one. Sorry for ruining everything, guys.
And I see my wife beat me to the punch about the screaming/fighting couple back at #16…also, hymn innuendo is now officially my favorite thing ever.
Hymnnuendo.
J, when I was younger, we added “beneath the sheets” to every hymn title. My favorite was “Hold to the Rod.”
I did not go to BYU, and when I got married as an undergrad (an event which scandalized the campus), I discovered that my school did not even HAVE married student housing for undergrads. I wasn’t allowed to live in the grad towers, either, as an undergrad. I was lucky that my house dean liked me, and let me sneak a key for my husband to use the whole year. We moved off campus the next year to simplify our lives.
This was after I got into an argument with the college registrar, when I went in to change my name. She insisted for way too long that I hyphenate instead. “It’s just, if you hyphenate, it’s so much easier, in case anything happens to just drop the last one…..”
The evil, feminist, liberal world of no values exists, brothers and sisters. Stay warm and safe in Provo. It’s blasphemous out here.
Most embarrassing moment: At the conclusion of our, ahem, nuptials, we heard a young nerdy boy from the next apartment over yell “Touchdown!”
It wasn’t football season.
Choose the Right. Mormon guilt smackdown.
K, I’m done.
Jimbob beat me to it. And Dr Horrible FTW.
Straight Talker,
My wife, kids, and I live in Northwood V right now. Best. Student. Housing. Ever. Tons of Mormon families too, like a little utopian community of young, mostly progressive Mormons with kids.
Come Ye Children of th Lord, including the line “We will shout in joyous lays!”
I remember a chorister in my singles ward getting the giggles leading that one.
Can’t believe nobody has mentioned my favorite hymn for a discussion like this:
Rise Up, O Men of God
Brad, and all the non-Mormons are cosmopolitan foreigners. Those were good times.
Come, Come, Ye Saints
So much for the old technique of singing hymns to get dirty thoughts OUT of our heads…
Awake and Arise
Come Along, Come Along
Ok, looking through the hymn book, there are a lot that could be used, many of which may even cross the line.
I will never look at hymns the same again.
these funny comments give additional depth to Julie Smith’s article on T&S: http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2013/02/how-can-i-use-church-music-to-learn-about-the-plan-of-salvation/
I had a BYU religion professor that mentioned that right after sex, because of the feeling of togetherness,it ‘might be an appropriate time for the couple to say a prayer or the husband to give a blessing.’ I can see where he’s coming from but the thought is a bit creepy.
#46 – I think the idea that a prayer or a blessing is a good idea after sex means the person isn’t doing it as well as it could be done.
A blessing and a cigarette, Ray
I’m a night owl and my wife goes to bed early. That was just as true when we were newlyweds in Wymount as it is today. One summer night I was up reading and I heard a loud pop in front of the apartment and got up to investigate. Turned out a sprinkler head had broken off and was shooting water into the air. I turned around to go back inside and found the door had closed behind me and locked. I was stuck outside barefoot in shorts and t-shirt.
I pounded on the door for a good five minutes loudly with no response from my utterly passed-out wife. I sat on the stairs to think things over a bit. Then I realized that our bedroom window was open a bit to let in a breeze at night. I got up and went around to the bedroom window facing the parking lot. It was blocked by thick, chest-high evergreen bushes. I tried politely calling my wife with no luck. Louder got no results either. Nothing for it.
I climbed over the bushes getting pretty scraped up in the process and spoke firmly through the screen.
“Misty!”
…..
“MISTY!”
“whuuuh?”
“Unlock the front door Misty.”
“Who…. huh?”
“Unlock – the FRONT DOOR – Misty.”
“Mmmm”
“The FRONT DOOR – UNLOCK IT.”
I heard rustling inside and footfalls. I extracted myself from the bushes hoping the other couples pulling into the parking Iot couldn’t see the guy in the bushes, and also hoping I wasn’t going to end up in the “Police Beat” next student newspaper issue.
Blessedly, my wife had unlocked the front door. Next morning I’d broken out in a nasty rash all over my arms and legs – stung like the dickens in the shower. As my wife drove me to to my student job she asked “where did you get those scratches?” She couldn’t figure out why I was glaring at her like that. She didn’t remember any of it.
She DOES still remember the time around 2AM where I yanked the blankets off her and threw them in her face. When she angrily asked me what I was doing, I gave her a wild look and said I was trying to trap the raccoon hiding in the bed.
She remembers THAT just fine. But not the strange disembodied voice in the bushes telling her to unlock her door at night.
Women….
“I was trying to trap the raccoon hiding in the bed.”
T.M.I.
Also: you all are so going to Hell.
Also: I’m really afraid of what this post is going to do to our google search traffic.
Alas, with young married couples it starts off all “With Wondering Awe”, but after barely a verse, “Rejoice! A Glorious Sound Is Heard” and then “The Time Is Far Spent”
#18 Jason F.’s comment about showing off for the neighbors….That’s surely not exclusively a Mormon thing, but I wonder if there is a Mormon angle to it. Everything in Mormon teachings and culture is a buildup to temple marriage. Of course chastity is heavily emphasized for the youth, and you get this dynamic, as mentioned above, of sex being bad, evil, wrong outside of marriage, but then good, wonderful, divine within marriage, kind of one extreme to the other. Plus there is a tendency within our culture for many to want to “showoff” their righteousness to other saints (through certain kinds of testimony-bearing and other visible outward practices). When you finally are sealed in the temple, you reach this kind of double pinnacle of righteousness (highest, most coveted ordinance in the church) and at-last sexual gratification (you can finally experience that Good, Wonderful, Divine Thing). I wonder, then, if that kind of loud, show-offy married sex is another way of “performing” for those around you, spreading your Scent of Mormon Righteousness, of “Look what we did, we did it right, and now we do the Right Thing often.” Praying and singing and blessing before and after sex then makes a certain kind of sense (though admittedly quite creepy, imo), because sex itself becomes this performative act of righteousness, treated as an ordinance or ritual itself as essentially the primary reason for the sealing ordinance in the first place, so there’s no surprise, really, that people who might think of sex in this way also attach other religious practices like prayer or singing directly to it.
Also, “The Happy Day at Last Has Come.”
My former roomie at the Y told me that when she and her husband had sex, she felt like it was a sacred form of worshiping God. I married about a year later and after my honeymoon, I told her that clearly we don’t worship the same God.
J, In the singles ward, we used to change the Words to “Men are that We might have joy.”
Sex was often referred to as “the marital sacrament” in my Wymount ward. I also knew a couple who said that they always had sex in the bedroom with the window facing the temple, so that they could be reminded of their sacred covenants as they participated in said sacrament.
I admit I just kind of felt sorry for them.
Young Mormon marrieds are the Moravians of the 21st century.
So, this one isn’t about sex (sorry to disappoint), but during one Relief Society lesson on service, a newly married woman suggested that perhaps those of us with kids could help out the busy students like her by doing laundry or something for them. I guess she saw us hanging out at the playground and assumed that we had way too much free time on our hands.
This is literally the only time I’ve been able to say this story – not one of my stories I pull out at parties and whantnot.
When we were at BYU-Idaho, we lived in some great married apartments that were on the opposite side of many of the other married students, so we didn’t hear too many stories. Instead, we have our own.
It was mid-day during the summer, and the apartment-provided internet in our complex went down. Being a young newlywed couple, and studying being taken away from us, things got a bit rowdy. We enter the bedroom, shut the door, and proceed to engage. All the sudden, we hear a knock on our apartment door. We pause, and ignore it because “Eh, we’re not home.” The knock comes again. We ignore it.
All the sudden, we hear the door OPEN, and a guy yells “MAINTENANCE!”
Oh crap.
My wife looks at me with a look of “WHAT DO WE DO NOW!?!?!?” I yell out “Be right there!”
She, bless her heart, jumps in the closet, au naturel, and closes the closet door. I throw a pair of jeans and a t-shirt on, and go to answer the door.
I should mention now that the apartment-provided internet access that went down? The router and modem was located in OUR apartment, purely by chance. And where in the apartment? In the bedroom.
I answer the door, the maintenance guy and complex owner are at the door, looking obviously embarrassed. I tried to play it off like I had just jumped in the shower (THEY KNEW), and they tell me they were there to take a look at the internet. They go into the bedroom (thankfully, my wife picked up the discards of our clothing in the throes of passion. They work on the internet, with my wife still hiding in the closet. After 15 long agonizing minutes, they determine it is an ISP issue, not a hardware issue (which “testing” I could have done if they called me). They left, my wife emerged from the closet where she was hiding, and we are very careful now about engaging in coitus mid-day again.
No married housing stories, but while on my mission in SoCal, we lived next door to a very…erm…loving couple, and the walls between our bedrooms were very thin. One night when my companion asked me what “that noise” was, I feigned confusion- if she couldn’t figure it out, I wasn’t about to explain it to her. Not my job.
Admit it, Jacob. You posted this because that other thread took the Comment 100 Crazytown detour.
Mae – there could be an entire tangential thread about the misconceptions of ‘married life’ by missionaries. Oh boy, thinking back there were some really whacked out ideas.. unfortunately some of which are danced around on this thread – the praying and such… had one guy arguing until blue in the face that the only way for couples to enjoy their time together sin-free was to begin with an earnest prayer that they will conceive as a result of their forthcoming activities. Goes to prove just how fallen and sinners we all are ;)
ZD Eve, I will say nothing of my motivations, no matter how much pure sense that makes.
Also not a sex story: during a testimony meeting in my sister’s Wymount ward, a teary-eyed sister got up to tell the whole ward how much she loved them and would miss them now that she and her husband had graduated and were moving on. It was going to be hard to leave Zion, so close to the bosom of the Saints and so on, and head out into what she was sure would be a much harsher world. She just hoped they were ready and could take with them some of the amazing spirit they had felt at BYU and their beloved married student ward. And so on and on.
My sister spoke to her after the meeting to find out where she and her husband were moving.
Orem.
ZD Eve @ 61 and Jacob at @ 63, this thread is only one “overheard vigorous/prayerful/awkward gay/lesbian sex in [religiously (non)affiliated] married student housing” comment from linking up with that other Crazy Town thread to create a Super-Crazy Black Hole Thread.
Watch out cause it’s gonna happen.
#64, I heard a similar testimony from a new young dad in a ward I was visiting in Vegas. He was so excited to be living out in the “mission field.” I was not impressed.
We never lived at BYU married housing, but we did live south of campus in the slums with all the other dirt poor newlyweds (mid-90s before the Wymount expansion). Our experiences were similar to #21. Walking the streets to campus there were certain houses that needed to close their windows on summer days because everyone outside could hear what was happening.
We were in the basement apartment and I almost called the cops once because the screams and sounds she was making above us it sounded like he was raping her! It was hard to look at them at church on Sunday. They were either kinky or abusive and as newlyweds ourselves we didn’t know what to think or do. We learned to be silent and it has served us well as parents!
Not a sex story, but tangentially related. A bishop in our married student ward at BYU-Idaho flat out told a combined RS/Priesthood meeting that the parable of the talents related to children, and that if we were using birth control we were breaking temple covenants, among the things he did to encourage us to have children as quickly as possible. More humorously, he was under the impression we were unable to conceive (probably because my wife was on the pill). When he was handing out the Mother’s Day candy bar to my wife, he looked at her and sympathetically stated: “Some day.” Needless to say, we didn’t really like that ward.
This doesn’t have to do with married student housing, but it takes place at BYU and seems appropriate to the discussion…
When I was a freshman, I took an Honors section of Book of Mormon taught by a fairly well-known scholar/professor. It was a fairly small class made up almost entirely of pre-mission freshman guys and girls. It was also quite boring, so I used to occasionally doze off. One day I woke up just in time to hear the professor telling the class, with great reverence and sincerity, that he had received a spiritual confirmation at the moment each of his children was conceived. These experiences were obviously very special to him, and he was getting emotional talking about it it. Most of the class kept a good poker face, but several of us were having an emotional moment ourselves, trying very hard to hide our disgust/laughter. Since I had been dozing, I have no idea what prompted him to share that revelation, and in my subsequent study of the Book of Mormon, I’ve never seen that topic addressed…
I should also add that, several years later, I received no such spiritual manifestation during the conception of my own child–thank goodness!
Every single time we spontaneously knocked on the door of the couple living below us in our apt building, they answered in their robes. If they had an appointment with a HT or VT or something, they answered wearing clothes, but if it was unplanned, there was quite a wait and then there they were in their robes. Everyone commented on it. We called them Bro & Sis Nympho. In fact, we ran our own study on them, knocking on various hours, days and times to borrow paprika or some such nonsense and the robes always made their appearance. She claimed it was comfy. Years later, my husband asked me if maybe the Nymphos were Nudists. So we now refer to them as our Nudist Nympho Newlywed Neighbors. I miss Zion….
#53, byu/the church does create a culture of bragging about sex. my bil was not lds, but played on a byu sports team. he said he got really sick of hearing all of the sex talk when guys would get married and wondered how much their wives would appreciate the details given.
same bil and sil married at a school that did not have married housing. they were required to live on campus in separate dorms in a tiny town. when it came time for the ecclesiastical endorsement for byu, my sil was marked down for integrity because she admitted to “sneaking into” her husband’s dorm sometimes, since it was the only way they could be alone.
we “got caught” by the missionaries once. we were in the shower when they came to the door. our bathroom window was right by the front door, so my husband leaned out and told them he was in the shower. unbeknownst to us, our daughter had already told them through the closed front door that mommy and daddy were both in the shower and had locked the bedroom door.
“What Was Witenssed in the Heavens?”
“my bil was not lds, but played on a byu sports team.”
Well there is the problem. Locker rooms are notorious for that, usually they just aren’t married.
I lived at Wymount Terrance as a 4-7 year old back in the late 70’s. My parents still tell stories about everything that went on there with neighbors, etc. I don’t remember any of that, but I do remember vividly when a guy in the building next door went hunting and brought home a deer which he hung out on his third floor balcony while he skinned it.
As a missionary, we arranged an appointment one day with an investigator’s grown daughter. We arrived for the discussion, and sat in the living room, as she was in her bedroom, watching TV. The investigator awkwardly visiting with us for several minutes. We were Spanish-speaking, and so was he, but he was extra hard to understand as he’d had a stroke a few years earlier, and happened to be drunk at the time. As we visited with him, we noticed the TV in the other room getting louder at periodic intervals. We asked him if he could let her know that we were there for her appointment. He assured us that she knew, and she’d be out soon. After 15-20 minutes of this incredibly awkward almost-silence, with the TV growing louder and louder, she finally emerged from her room in a tanktop and yoga-type pants, and, without making eye contact with us, bee-lined across the room to the bathroom, where she promptly got in the shower. It finally dawned on us young 22-year-old innocent sister missionaries what had been going on. We promptly left and never scheduled another appointment with her.
Oh, and comment 52 for the Hymnuedo win!
To aid in the crazy convergence of threads, I would just like to take a moment to reflect that our church opposes gay marriage to preserve the “sanctity” of, well, the subject of this thread, I guess. This is why we can’t have nice things.
It’s not just prayers and hymns — I’ve know a very small number of couples who still hold the old folk belief that you’re supposed to keep your G’s on while doing it . . .
#77 I’ve never known anyone like that but I did know a girl who wanted her first kiss to be with her husband over the altar. I thought that was pretty silly since HE had kissed other girls before her. Needless to say, she also didn’t believe in birth control and had their first baby 9 months later. I’ve always thought that was a heck of a 12-hour time period for her on her wedding day!
I had a newly-married former roommate tell me that she didn’t wear lingerie that much because “it’s hard to wear lingerie with garments.”
ooh, did visit teaching once and visited an older woman and her 20-something daughter. daughter was married with kids and her husband was deployed. daughter ignored us the entire time and was playing some sort of game on the computer, about ten feet away. it took us a while to notice that it was some sort of “sims” game… but involved her playing a stripper and a lot of large-text bedroom talk with her husband.
Oh dear fairchild #66 – that could have been me you heard upstairs! We lived in a house in Provo, with three children in three years, and sad to say that is when X did indeed rape me…there was a newlywed couple living in the basement adn I was mortified, confused, bewildered, ashamed, etc. It was horribly awful for me…bad memories, And I’m old enough to have heard all the sacred sex talks, the have lots of babies talk and birth control is wrong talks – ugh!!! Glad to be rid of X , older and wiser, and now married to a NOMO, PS – sex is so much lovelier as you get older:)
Hmm, #14, Straight Talker, I lived in Northwood IV in 1984. Trying to remember someone who left to go to Princeton…. My memory of student housing at Michigan was that someone from the ward lived in the apartment next to us, and they owned a Betamax! The only ones in the ward with a VCR at the time. The husband would invite his friends over, and they’d watch tapes of Monte Nyman talks and make fun of them. We could hear everything they said in their living room if we were in our basement.
“Jesus, Lover of My Soul”
My sister and bil lived off-campus in Provo right after they got married. In their building also lived one particularly loud and enthusiastic couple. After numerous hints that everyone could hear them all the time, someone else in the building finally renamed their wireless network”Apartmemt 4F we can all hear you having sex all the time”.
“How Great Thou Art”. That is all.
No. 73, Talon, one time I was walking from south of campus to class at BYU and I looked up and there right in front of me is a deer hanging upside down from a tree over the sidewalk.
And “lingerie is hard to wear with garments” FTW.
When we were fairly newly wed, another brother in the ward, a very socially awkward brother, got married to a real BOMB. I was amused and bewondered. A few weeks after they married I met him on campus (BYU). I waved and said,”Hi, Frank. How are things going?” I was taken by surprise when he said, “It is too early to tell yet.” I hope it went well finally, but that was not a good omen.
Oh, yes, some other friends used the tried and true method of birth control: Have sex too often for the spermatozoa to mature. (I have never, before or since, heard of this method.) I thought the guy had a good line, gotta have it once or twice a day come hell or high water.
Here is a very recent one.
My wife and I have been married for nearly three years and we recently moved into the upper part of a house with people living in the basement. When we were first looking at the house we peeked into the back yard and suddenly a young man (somewhere between 14 and 20. We couldn’t tell with his pizza box shield he had) came out of no where. He introduced himself and said he was living with his sister and her husband. After a bit of talking with him he said that his sister and brother in law took a lot of “naps” and that he “learned really quickly to leave the house when when they were napping”.
I still don’t know if he knew what “taking a nap” really is.
Two stories:
Mission – Was staying in another ZL’s apartment the night before we were to make the long trip to ZL Conference. They shared the apartment with another set of missionaries. The apartment was an old mansion type house converted into multiple apartments – there was no insulation between walls. So there we were, 6 missionaries dozing off to sleep and then the young couple in the next apartment start at it. At first it was quiet and slowly built up. I’m laying there wondering if anyone else is awake while this young lady keeps screaming “Oh Tom” in between screams and moans, when all of the sudden one of the Elders jumps up and bangs his fist and forearm on the wall and yells, “Answer her Tom! Damn it, answer her!!!” I bust out laughing and keep laughing while his companion gives him a lecture on swearing and giving the church a bad name. In fact, his companion reported the behavior the next day to the Mission President at ZL meeting and when the MP light kindheartedly asked him about it his exact comment was, “Well President, it was either swear to interrupt them or go in the bathroom and “crank off a shell off.” The MP just grinned and patted him on the shoulder and said wise choice.
New Home – My wife and I lived in a house where the basement was a separate apartment. I had dated the cousin of the girl who lived downstairs with her husband so I knew her well. Very good, but naive girl. Anyway, they were newly weds and went at it all the time. I would come home and my wife would update me on how many times they had done it that day (they both worked nights). Sometimes it hit 4. I can only assume they eat lots of oysters and mangoes (ie George Castanza). Besides the fact that she sounded like a sheep when she moaned, they were very vocal – but Mormon vocal. Her exclamations of joy were, “oh that feels so flipping good” or “oh fetch keep doing X” or “oh heck that feels so flipping good.” The best part was that apparently we were too loud one night and this girl had the audacity to make a comment in Sunday School about it! The lesson was on appropriateness and she raised her hand and said how they have a girl neighbor – we share a house so everyone can infer who she is referring to – who uses cuss words during sex. My wife was mortified!! I just grinned ear to ear and winked to our friends who looked over at us.
We were in off campus married housing at BYU. We left the key with our neighbors so they could water the plants while we were out of town. When we came home we discovered she had replaced various burned out lightbulbs throughout the apartment. Really, really nice, but it meant she had gone through our apartment checking the lights and climbing on the bed to replace one of the bedroom ceiling bulbs.
After we were married for two years we went to husband’s mom’s house for the summer for an internship type of job. We didn’t want to lose our pretty good apartment for a pretty decent price. So we put up a notice for a sublet couple. We didn’t want to get a storage facility for our furniture, so we left all our furniture….our nice couches, old kitchen table and the bed with this completely unknown and grateful newlywed couple. We came back after the 3.5 months and it was all still there along with a hole burned in the back of the couch from when they set down a dish hot from the oven or something. Could have been worse. At least we didn’t have to pay for storage, right?
#79 So sad…
My future MIL was at my bridal shower where I received a very beautiful negligee from the wives of the bishopric. They called themselves the Bishopettes on the card. On the way home, future MIL she said she would go with me to return it because it didn’t cover my garments. I simply told her I wanted to keep it. She was silent the rest of the way home, probably wishing her son was engaged to anyone but me. If only she had seen the stuff my roommates had bought me prior to the shower!
I was at a what I believe was a stake priesthood meeting at BYU-Idaho. The stake president very matter-of-factly stated, “Brethren, do not be like the world, your wife only needs to one piece of lingerie a beautiful white night gown. She will look more beautiful in that than anything else she could wear.” No one in the audience could believe he was talking about it as you saw everyone turn to their friends. One council I was definitely never going to follow. I wonder how many did.
This is what I heard from my neighbor one night, verbatim, “Are you biting my butt?!?! Get OFF me you beast of a man, you’re hurting me!!!” The next thing they heard was my window sliding shut about as fast as it could.
#61 ZDEve and #63 Jacob, I am now dying with curiosity about the other thread you are referring to. Would you post a link to it please?