What’s your Apocalyptic Prophesy Writer Name?

If you’re like me, you’ve done some theoretical writing prophesying about the apocalyptic last days, but you don’t feel like your own name would give your writing the weight — the gravitas — that it deserves.

So here’s a way to come up with your own Apocalyptic Prophesy Writer Name:

the last airport where you had a layover + a random object in your junk drawer

So be on the lookout for my study of the book of Isaiah and the numerology of the middle initials of the Quorum of the 12.

By Schipol Thumbtacks.

You’re welcome.


  1. BarefootMike says:

    Albuquerque Poncho.

  2. Kevin Barney says:

    Houston Leatherman.

  3. Euthyphronics says:

    Lambert Block.

  4. Since I don’t have a junk drawer (though plenty of junk here and there):

    LAX Nothing.

    My book on reading the Book of Abraham backwards in order to discern when the moon will turn to blood (given to me as a revelation through harmonizing subliminal messages in every other conference talk in every other conference since 1962) will be available next month on the deep web for those with eyes to see.

  5. Jacob, that sounds fascinating. Does one need to look at the facsimiles in the mirror as well?

  6. Schipol, you are such a false prophet. Everybody knows that you ought not to use the middle initials of the 12; there is reason why some of them use initial of the first name and full middle name. That reason might be unknown for man, but it is known unto God.

  7. Niklas, you clearly have not read the book of Joel with sufficiently spiritual eyes. I can say no more.

  8. Midway Stapler

  9. Well before I saw your own name, I was going to say Schipol Pushpin, but to be slightly more of an individual (lest others get confused by our various prophesies), I guess I’ll have to go with Schipol Boxcutter.

  10. SEATAC Facepaint

  11. Karen H. says:

    Dulles Battery.

    By unscrambling the letters in scripture mastery scriptures, I now know the true identity of the anti-Christ, and have telepathically communicated with the one mighty and strong. Also, the constitution is specifically held by magenta colored embroidery thread. No more meat for your milk drinkers.

  12. Philadelphia Scissors

  13. Oh all ye who will listen,

    If you collect all 100+ hand made cards sent to people in the last 12 months, and arrange them by whether I hand wrote my return address or not, then put them in order by the date of postal delivery, you simply have to take every seventh word, and you will find out the secret to finding those members of the group that you will have in your handcart company, on your way back to Missouri.

    I offer this as a service so you can start your commune now, (and practice making handcarts) instead of having to make the journey with no preparation.

    Denver Cardstock

  14. Albuquerque Chapstick

  15. Dulles Battery ,

    We milk drinkers will still be allowed milk at that time though, right?

    Denver Cardstock

  16. Reagan Mellonballer. It’s also my right-wing stripper name, coincidentally!

  17. Denver Spare Key

  18. “deep web” I predict this will shrink, black-hole-like, to near nothingness. Finding it will entail passing the web event horizon, and thus being never heard from again. -The Boise Nail

  19. Pics or it’s a lie, Tracy.

  20. Steve won’t let me. Killjoy.

  21. Denver Snuffer.


    I mean, Dallas Puncher.

  22. Lazarus Evans. Sand in the gears.

  23. This raises the question: what counts as a snuffer? even, what is a snuffer?

  24. O’Hare Cable. Its not a compelling name.

  25. snuff·er1 /ˈsnʌfər/ Show Spelled [snuhf-er] Show IPA
    1. a person who snuffs or sniffs.
    2. a person who takes snuff

  26. Denver Thumbtack

    However, right now I see through a glass darkly and have no apocalyptic prophesy to deliver.

  27. You disappoint the proud tradition of the name Denver, Keri.

  28. There is no gravitas in my junk drawer. Not a shred.

  29. Paris One-eyed Jack

  30. it's a series of tubes says:

    Charlotte Chapstick predicts a great sign in the heavens later this year, yea, even the comet ISON.

  31. Dulles Token (The token is for the conference center parking lot, which I think gives me extra cachet.)

  32. Capozaino says:

    Denver Ruler

    Kevin Barney takes the prize for manliest, as usual.

  33. Vegas Sharpie

  34. John Scherer says:

    Atlanta Pineapple Peeler

  35. Left Field says:

    George Bush Intercontinental Nutria Skulls

  36. it's a series of tubes says:

    Isaiah 8:1 would be much more interesting if the Lord had instructed the prophet to write with a Vegas Sharpie.

  37. What is written with Vegas Sharpie, stays written with Vegas Sharpie.

  38. KerBearRN says:

    Heathrow Dustbunnies.

  39. An older meaning refers to a scissor-like tool used to trim the wick of a candle. With skill, this could be done without extinguishing the flame. A small receptacle catches the trimmed bit of wick. This tool was rendered obsolete by the invention of self-snuffing wicks, which curl out of the flame when charred. This allows excess wick to burn away, preventing the wick from becoming too long. The instrument now known as a candle snuffer was formerly called an “extinguisher” or “douter”.
    Many antique dealers use either term at random. The correct term might be more properly applied according to the age of the implement. While the invention of the self consuming wick discontinued their need a “snuffer” remains a snuffer and does not change into an extinguisher.

  40. Phoenix Catnip

  41. Wikipedia entry @ snuffer

  42. JFK Notary Stamp.

  43. Love # 35!

    Minnestoa Kitestring

    I think the rule has to be modified to say you have to take the first thing you see when you open your junk drawer, otherwise people can cherry-pick their random item.

  44. JFK Batteries

  45. When you fly private, you never have layovers. Peons.

  46. Jeannine L. says:

    Dallas Swiffer. That’s close enough, right?

  47. Hartsfield-Jackson Crazy Glue.

    But you can call me Atlanta for short.

  48. Chicago Giant Chewy Sweet Tarts- talk about gravitas.

  49. snoffe “burned part of a candle wick” (late 14c.), unknown origin, perh. related to snuff “draw in through the nose,” 1520s, from Dutch or Flemish snuffen…related to Dutch snuivento sniff,” from Proto-Germanic *snuf-, imit. of sound of drawing air through the nose.” [—-Abridged from Online Etymological Dictionary.]

  50. A snuffer is that funny thing in my parent’s junk drawer that one uses to put out candles.

    SteveP, I’m really hoping you are Charles de Gaulle One Eyed Jack, but Orly One Eyed Jack isn’t bad either.

  51. Raleigh-Durham Altoids

  52. Oh wait… make that Atlanta Altoids. Haha

  53. Heathrow Keys

  54. MikeInWeHo says:

    Minneapolis White-Out

  55. JFK Gunsight

  56. 55 – too soon

  57. #54 – Sounds like some sort of very high-octane frozen drink. Maybe like a pina colada but more hard-hitting?

  58. Heathrow Bubblewrap.

    Obviously a name gravid with foreboding.

  59. Can’t remember my last layover stop so it was either:

    DIA Manual or
    LAX Weatherstrip

  60. Oakland Gender Changer (It’s an IT thing, not what you all were thinking. And I know what you were thinking, by reading the letters in the grains of sand in the cat litter box).

  61. It just occurred to me that Gender Changer is a non-correlated junk item, prohibited by the POTF, which just ups the danger level of my apocalyptic visions. So there.

  62. Lamplighter says:

    Except possibly for the “gender changer”? it’s nice to know everybody’s junk drawer is as boring as mine. Even cherry picking the best I could manage is Seattle Screwdriver which sounds like a great drink, not anybody’s name.

  63. Phoenix Library Card

  64. Las Vegas Lei

  65. Phoenix Can Opener.

    Love it.

  66. Denver Carabiner

  67. Midway Duck Call.

    And #55 and #56 FTW on this one.

  68. Denver Candles. And my apocalyptic prophecy is that the disintegration of Hostess, combined with the NY soft-drink regulations, will lead to the “Great Sugar Crash” of the 21st century and possibly national anarchy.

  69. Alf O'Mega says:

    Oakland 1964 Dime.

    (Saving that for barter after the apocalypse.)

  70. .

    Denver Cricket. Actually, I think I’m going to go start a band now.

  71. Since my last significant layover was Seoul several years ago, and I just found a condom in my junk drawer a daughter brought back from sex-ed class at school (“Hey dad, look what I’ve got!”), I’ll go with Seoul Condom. That’s got a ring to it. Or should have. Could also be a Korean girl band. Maybe you can open for us, Denver Cricket.

  72. Vegas Box Tops

  73. I have an advantage since my airport is named for a city named for a saint.

    Saint Francis Beaker.

  74. JFK TI-84
    sounds like I’ll be a random prophecy generator.

  75. Stanstead Lock. There are seven levels.

  76. Hartsfield-Jackson Kazoo

    Little known fact: if you hum on the kazoo the first 116 pages of the 1830 Book of Mormon to the tune of “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” the spirit of Martin Harris will come and reveal the missing 116 pages of Joseph Smith’s original manuscript.

  77. Baltimore Staple

  78. Left Field says:

    Can it really be called a “junk drawer” if it contains such awesome stuff as has been reported here?

  79. Phoenix Fuse.

    There’s only one, so you cannot re-fuse my apocalyptic prophecy.

  80. whizzbang says:

    Denver blue rubber band

  81. Atlanta Vicoden

  82. Atlanta Tiny Matchbook

  83. Las Vegas Button.

  84. nat kelly says:

    Vegas Padlock.

  85. hawkgrrrl says:

    Narita Spoon. This one’s pretty good, although not quite as good as my porn star name Pepper Woodland.

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