CTR: Crap That’s Real is a column devoted to discussions of whatever I deem worthy of discussion. It might be Mormon-related; it might not be. This week, we are going to talk about General Conference Snacks, Movies, Baseball, and other related minutiae. If you have something you think is worthy of inclusion in next week’s CTR, shoot me an email.
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It has been nearly one and a half years since I last struck the keyboard here at BCC. During that absence, people have asked where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, why I left, and even whether or not I am actually the same person as Steve Evans, who was also absent during that same time period. These are all worthy questions, but the easiest one to answer is why I left. It’s very simple: Over time, I became increasingly afraid of the possibility that Brad Kramer would eat me. Since it’s just us girls here, I’ll let you in on a little secret: You ever wonder what happened to JNS? Amri? Like 50 other permas here at BCC? Brad ate them. He’s like the Mayor in Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, voiced by Bruce Campbell. When you first get to know him, he’s all nice and helpful, if a bit ambitious for your liking. But once he realizes that you can aid him in his quest to become Really Big, there is no stopping his insatiable appetite. He is like Cookie Monster, only for EVERYTHING.
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Speaking of Bruce Campbell and Monsters, there is a remake of The Evil Dead coming out this weekend, and it’s apparently pretty good. The original Evil Dead is one of the all-time classics of the horror genre, though I know that you’re all well-behaved Mormons around here, and therefore haven’t seen it. This is unfortunate, however, since it’s obviously based on the Restoration: A group of beautiful teenagers/young twenty somethings (Smith Family) goes off into the woods for a weekend of relaxation (moving to Vermont, clearing fields, day-laboring). While attempting to recreate (“find religion”), they discover an ancient book called the Necronomicon (“The Book of Alma”). Upon reading (translating) this unholy (sacred) text, a whole truckload of evil spirits (“angels,” or “Pratts”) are called forth to torment (“set apart,” or “ordain”) the group of cabin-dwellers (the Smiths) until they’re basically all slaughtered (“exalted”) or have chainsaws for their hands (like Hyrum Smith). Anyway, in theaters this weekend. Take your kids. It’s rated R for Aaron “R.”
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If the Evil Dead doesn’t quench your appetite (Brad, heh) for bloody violence and gore, don’t forget that this weekend is General Conference Episode CLXXXIII. I plan to watch this show with my wife and children from the comfort of my living room, while I try not to strangle my children who will keep saying that they don’t want to watch this show and ask to watch some other show. I’d probably also prefer to watch whatever other show they want to watch, but we’re Mormons aren’t we? And we Mormons don’t do things we want to do, because Contention Is Of The Devil.
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Earlier this week, during FHE, I was trying to explain GC to the kids–trying to get them excited for it, stressing the importance of being spiritually prepared. After my mini-sermon, my oldest son (he’s almost 7) looks up at me, a shining glint of understanding sparkling in his eyes, and says, “We don’t have to wear our church clothes for this, right?” Man, I love that kid. But seriously–like all Mormon parents, I hope that this might finally be the year that my kids are old enough and mature enough to help me catch some soccer by standing guard in the hallway when Mommy goes to the bathroom and alerting me when she’s coming back so we can change the channel back without getting caught.
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In case you missed it, a really big spider was discovered in Sri Lanka, the location of the sixth Lost Tribe of Israel. While the size of the spider is shocking enough, what really blew my mind was the discovery of an entire “British Tarantula Society.” No, it’s a real thing–an entire TARANTULA SOCIETY! Do all countries have Tarantula Societies? Is there an American Tarantula Society? What about a Mormon Tarantula Society? Who is the President/Prophet?
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Apparently a bunch of BCC bloggers and friends and wives and children of BCC bloggers are traipsing around Spain, pretending to be Catholic pilgrims or something, and getting rained on. I haven’t paid much attention to this, since it doesn’t revolve around me, but it is my understanding that Ronan’s knees are really sore, and he recently had a vision of what it will be like to be an old person. You can see their pictures and read their words by following their updates here at BCC, where we’ve placed the account of the adventure in the Featured Post spot until they are either dead or done walking, whichever comes first.
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BTW, I asked Ronan why he didn’t live blog our recent European soccer pilgrimage, and he said that it was too sacred.
Scott, Ronan, & Aaron at Goodison Park
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Baseball started this week, and Bryce Harper, the Mormon Dale Murphy, hit two home runs in the first game of the year. That put him on pace to hit 324 home runs this year, a new MLB record. But then Harper choked big time in the second game and didn’t hit any home runs. Now he’s on pace to hit just 162 home runs this year. I’ll keep you updated on Brother Harper’s MLB record season. (Also, Kansas City is 0-2, which is normal. Sorry Mark Brown.)
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Weekly Declaration of Truth/Rankings
So, earlier this week we posted a thing on Facebook asking people who don’t like Cheezits what their favorite GC snacks are. People who like Cheezits were asked to shut their stupid faces, and then introduced to Brad Kramer. Also, if you haven’t Liked our FB page or Followed us on Twitter, please get off of your lazy duff and do so now. Good grief, you don’t even have to leave this page to do it. Just click the little buttons to your right. (Your right, not mine; that way –>).
Anyway, Steve Evans and I discussed the results and determined the Official Top 10 General Conference Snacks. Our discussion and ruling is below.
Scott: I have to say–the responses do not inspire much faith in our FB followers. Basically, they said vodka and Chex. The question wasn’t “If you’re dying in a Russian Prison, what would they feed you?”
Steve: Not a heckuva lot of confidence in them, no. I suspect they are undergrads at Chico State.Scott: One person–a “Julia”–apparently likes sodium. A lot. “…chili cheese and scoop Fritojs, mini Rueben sandwiches in rye cocktail bread, homemade cheeseball with ham chunks and triscuits, and meatballs.”
Steve: I call that snack ensemble the “Triple Bypass”. But, on the other hand, if your snacks include bean sprouts, you’re dead to me.
Scott: Anyway, as I look over these answers, it’s abundantly clear to me that these people have entirely failed to recognize the primary purpose of snacks: Get the kids to shut up.
Once you understand this fundamental goal, any choice of snacks that doesn’t involve a gigantic bowl of marshmallows, smarties, and other little cheap candy that you’ve got left over from Halloween/Christmas/Easter is simply a waste of time and energy.
Steve: Is that the primary purpose? I mean, maybe – if you’re watching at the Stake Center or something. At home, a primary purpose is to enjoy tasty snacks to keep awake.
Scott: I disagree. I don’t see GC weekend any differently than any other day of the year: The primary goal–each and every day–is to get the kids to shut up (and leave me alone). Anyway, we need an official ranking, so let’s do it.
Steve: OK.
WAIT. Does gum count?
Scott: Not as a primary snack. It is a post-snack snack, if that makes sense.
Steve: Lemme tell you a story of what might have been. Imagine watching Conference in a dark Stake Center on a hard back chair. You’re 10 years old and you’re just sad to be alive. Then your dad taps you on the shoulder and hands you a bag of Big League Chew. Now how do you feel? BEST CONFERENCE EVER.
But fine, dash my fantasies for the time being and let’s stick gum under the chair for now. Top 6 silent GC snacks.
Scott: Do you know WHY your dad handed you a bag of Big League Chew? To get you to SHUT UP
Steve: 1. My dad never handed me a bag of Big League Chew. 2. I was usually napping on the floor.
Scott: Okay, that settles my top snack: Children’s Dramamine
Steve: It’s good for kids and the elderly, too!
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General Conference Snacks, ranked
1. Kettle Corn/Cracker Jack
2. Fruit snacks (but they have to have actual differentiation in flavor. Like the Welch’s ones from Costco because of this. Your Scooby-Doos and Cars fruit snacks are a mockery.)
3. Wheat-Thins
4. Cadbury’s Mini-Eggs
5. Sour Patch Kids
6. “Gum” (for Steve)
7. Gobstoppers (sour).
8. Pirate Booty
9. Cereal
10. Tootsie Roll Pops
By Common Consent, a Mormon Blog 
Hey, at least people ask where you went.
This might be my new favorite thing ever. In fact, I might start wearing my CTR ring from yesteryear just to celebrate this new series.
Snacks – we’re having homemade smoked sausage with Amish cheese & crackers (yes, I live in the Midwest, why do you ask?), along with artichoke dip & chips, sub sandwiches, and M&Ms for the kids to raid at the mention of the buzzword. We believe in substance ’round these parts. I don’t know what’s up with your Diabetic Top 10, but let’s just say that we’re gonna have to agree to disagree. (TOOTSIE POPS?! Who chooses to eat those?!)
liz,
Tootsie Pops were one of Steve’s picks, of course. Mine were the entries that are good.
No Triscuits?
Dude. I may be rusty, but I still have my bannination stick, so you better check yourself.
Loved this.
However, you fail for not listing jelly beans or gummy bears as the true order of snacks.
Makes me wonder just one thing — Can we trade you in for carbon credits?
This list has some truth in it, but as Mormons we are not obligated to accept all the traditions of men. Hence the following are the correct articles of general conference snack/treats faith:
(while I have left your bourgeois numbering it matters but little)
1. Kettle Corn/Cracker Jack Popcorn with butter actually made from churned cream as opposed to — something.
2. Fruit snacks (but they have to have actual differentiation in flavor. Like the Welch’s ones from Costco because of this. Your Scooby-Doos and Cars fruit snacks are a mockery.) Dark chocolate almond bark, or dark chocolate rum truffles. Chocolate is good for you. So is rum. Lindor darks too.
3. Wheat Thins.
4. Cadbury’s Mini-Eggs. Costco cashews.
5. Sour Patch Kids.
6. Gobstoppers (sour). [Gum has no place on this list. It begins and ends in fantasy. This is reality.]
7. Tootsie Roll Pops. Tootsie Roll Fruit thingies. Especially the green ones.
8. Nachos with hot salsa.
9. Cold pizza.
The rest is detritus, falling into the abyss of determinism, where all good dissonant Mormons go.
If you like, I can give a proof based on the axiom of choice.
Oh well. html editing disabled. Think of many horizontal lines cast about on the page.
These, of course: https://bycommonconsent.com/2011/04/02/general-conference-cinnamon-rolls/
Also- Tater tots, Starburst Jellybeans, Tootsie pops, and cheetos (crunchy, not stryo-puffs)
It’s weird watching from the east coast now- it was always a breakfast thing back home, and now it’s pretty much a dinner thing.
You know, we should bloggers covering both General Conference at the Evil Dead thingamajig.
*should have. I’ll pretend Brad ate my missing “have.”
BCC on Twitter is pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened in my life.
Rock on Duffy!
Pez.
WVS,
I don’t think you should comment in CTR discussions any more. You don’t seem very smart.
Also. I never ate those people. I absorbed their essences and fed what was left of them to The Nothing.
Scott, you think a bit of cleverness on a phoned-in blog post can protect you?
Brad,
I’m resigned to my fate, but I’ve concluded that warning my brethren in my last days is my responsibility.
Scott! It’s great to see you back blogging. It’s difficult to say with such a small sample size, but I love this first edition of CTR!
SAMPLE SIZE DOESN’T MATTER.
Sample girth?
Darn right there’s an American Tarantula Society! They have yearly conferences, usually in Tucson or Phoenix, AZ. That’s right, right in the heart of Tarantula Country. There’s a reason I’m called spiderlady…..
“Also, Kansas City is 0-2, which is normal.”
True enough! But so are the Steinbrenner DamnYankees, so all is right with the world. And it’s great to see Harper succeed. He could be really great, for a long time.
And speaking of crap, that list of snacks is seriously deficient. Anybody who has every had my salsa fresca with corn chips has experienced snacking at its finest.
Sheesh. Alright. The field of commenting is shrinking for me. I do have some recourse though. In the library of the afterlife, I’ll be able to *read* every permutation of CTR posts. Not the same I know, but I need to have something.
WVS, that’s only IF you can find them in The Library…
That is a problem. I imagine that eventually I might find a comfortable bed, far from mini-dictatorial provinces, and just sleep eternity away. Talk about your Luther!
Objection! It was not just chex. It was chocolate-, peanut butter-, and powdered sugar-COVERED chex, which makes all the difference. This is the snack of the gods, people. I eschew your paltry list of mere-mortal snacks! Eschew it!
Yay! It is great to have both Scott and Steve back.
“…. I hope that this might finally be the year that my kids are old enough and mature enough to help me catch some soccer by standing guard in the hallway when Mommy goes to the bathroom and alerting me when she’s coming back so we can change the channel back without getting caught.”
The thing is…they will use it against you to save themselves. They will be in trouble for something in a few weeks and one of them will blurt, “Dad switched the TV to soccer during conference when you went to the bathrooms.” Bus and splat.
Chris, just because your kids are traitorous little monsters doesn’t mean mine are!
That sense of security will be your down fall. My youngest is 7. Give it time. You will learn. (I almost did that smiley face emoticon…then I remembered where I was)
You were wrong. I loved it.
Did anyone else think of this in the Brad-eating-people-section? http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb04f1xvht1qa8a0y.jpg No? Ok.
Your list has a shocking lack of chocolate on it. Wheat Thins?! We’re not living off our food storage yet people! The #1 snack should be a large orange roll, fresh from the oven that you have to stop and take a nap halfway through before you wake up and finish eating it.
In AZ you must have guacamole. Since Mormons can express their latent hedonism with food, we scoop it with crispy bacon.
Hi Scott! Thanks for the Evil Dead info. Now I understand Cabin In the Woods much better.
MDearest,
re The Evil Dead–you’re welcome. And you’re right–while Cabin in the Woods is pretty accessible as a horror-comedy, it certainly means a lot more to people who have seen the prerequisites; Evil Dead is at or near the top of that list.
We all know the real reason Scott B. left was because he chose to be offended after Steve accused Scott’s wife of stealing milk strippings. But now he’s repented of his sin and has been welcomed back in full fellowship into the Quorum of BCC. Welcome back, old buddy.
Long time lurker, first comment, because food will always bring me out of hiding. WHERE IS THE CHOCOLATE? Seriously! Do you have no imagination? These are not snacks, these are pretend snacks. They are the poor cousin of snacks. They are boring boring boring. I had better snacks than this sitting in Parliament struggling to stay awake late at night while the opposition filibustered for interminable hours on end with no chance of watching any other sport or more importantly Dr Who! Real snacks are when people from other parties walk across the Debating Chamber just to see what exciting new mouth-watering treat I am allowing myself today. And no, you don’t get to know what that is. Except that it nearly always included chocolate. Of course. Go forth, use more imagination and start again.
Mini-eggs are chocolate, your Legislatorship!
I take my children to the bulk food store and buy each child a solid pound of candy – their choice. Most of my kids will eat only gummies, but others like to mix it up with Squirrle Nut Zippers and Necco Wafers. My personal mix is Brachs Milk Maid Royals, homemade popcorn, and granny smith apples.
I’ve missed you Scott. Welcome back. Can you take it to the next level and record some more Zeitcast sessions? I miss those more than anything.
Blaspheming Wheat Thins can get you stretched on the BCC rack folks. Fair warning.
I’m not blaspheming….I said the Wheat Thins are in my food storage. However, since North Korea hasn’t deployed their nukes yet I want food that can’t sustain me for any length of time. Getting my spiritual fix while my blood sugar is soaring to new heights is only for CelestiaI-bound folks. I don’t even care if it melts in my hand, but it must be chocolatey!
kc,
You’re backpedaling alright, but not fast enough to suit me.
Fools shall mock Cheezits (Tabasco-Flavored specifically), but they shall mourn. Unto me it is required to forgive all permas, but The Lord will judge justly between me and all you’ns.
Robotcrow, one tenth may satisfy The Lord; I require 100%!
That list hints at a lack of cooking ability in the home. But at least you made up for it with overwhelming disdain for people who suggested snacks which require talent!
Good to see you back blogging Scott. I hope I’m able to find time to read your posts. I’ve missed spending time around here and I’ve missed your wit (at least the medium-form blog version of it.)
B.Russ,
I also hope to find time to post something you hope to have time for. Time will tell!