The only aspect of this post I can take credit for is providing the photo which catalyzed a side-splitting bit of fun in the BCC permas (current and emeritus) Facebook group today.
I snapped this on my way into Sacrament meeting this morning. It was only my fourth week attending my new ward and the first time in my life I’ve ever seen reserved stake presidency parking. I shared the image, asked “Is this a thing?”, noted that the stake Relief Society presidency’s reserved spots were conspicuously absent, and then the fun began.
First came the bribes. Cynthia offered me $20 and maybe even some jam to sneak over in the dead of night and stencil the RS spots in myself. Kyle pledged another $5. Tempting! But then Angela opined that this was a “Scout project gone wild” causing Cynthia to revoke her bribe and rally for the Activity Days girls to make a project out of stenciling the Relief Society spaces instead.
But things went to a whole new level when Sunny jumped into the fray. Running with the oft-repeated notion that all church members are equally important, from a nursery leader all the way up to the prophet, she flooded the thread with genius suggestions of alternative stenciled parking space ideas. It was a beautiful thing to behold; more inspired than anything I heard in church. We were in awe. Crowd favorites of hers include:
Front Row Family
Former Bishop
Visiting Authority
Pioneer Stock
Pays on the Gross
Modesty Police
Extended Family of General Authority
Self-appointed Greeter
New Convert (valid only two Sundays after baptism, after which you will be assigned a numbered space)
Investigator
MoTab Hopeful
Totally Should Have Been EQP
Modestly Hot
Ward Basketball MVP
Possesses Library Key
Romney Campaign Contributor
Year Supply
Two Year Supply
Calling Magnifier
Totally Quit the Porn
All Kids Married in the Temple
ZL in First Area
Never Felt Unequal
Tastiest Sacrament Bread
Totally In With All the Youth
DoTerra Rep of the Month
Top Name Extractor
This is a sample, people, A SAMPLE. Her genius was contagious. Contributions from others:
The Least of These (Jacob Baker)
Consistent Sunday School Conversation Derailer (Ben Park)
Newest Priest (Emily Jensen — you can thank her for the title of this post, too)
Token Minority (Sam Brunson)
Eagle Scout Mom “but not YW medallion mom” (Mark Brown)
War in Heaven General (BHodges)
And perhaps my favorite comment of them all: “Reserve one for Elijah, too.” (Jeremy G.)
Permas, which favorites did I miss? Everyone else, any suggestions of your own?
By Common Consent, a Mormon Blog 
Testimony travelogue sister.
Funny stuff!
It doesnt what 1st councillor – may be relief soc councillor.One only assumes Stake presidency councillor because of its proximity to the Stake presidents.
PLEASE tell me the jam bribe would get you to put “Elijah” on a space. Also, we’ll need photographic evidence. Perhaps if you held a copy of the most current Ensign next to the paint job.
Non Masturbator
Hymn Tempo Enforcer
Couple that Wears Garments During Sex
Mormon Blog Comment Reader
Regularly censured by the Bishop
True Mormons park on the street, they don’t even bother with the parking lot.
No “Jesus” spot connotes a lack of faith.
Our stake president and his counselors arrive at the stake center on Sunday a little before 6 a.m. and go home around 5 p.m. on average. Consequently, they have their pick of parking spaces without needing a reservation.
False Doctrine Spreading Elderly Person
My wife suggests these:
Loves exclamation points!
Person who wasn’t able to make it last week but made it this week.
Best centerpiece
The hands that prepared the food
geoffsn’s wife, I laughed until I cried over your second suggestion.
Fasts for 4 meals, no cheating.
I would totally stencil a title on every curb in the lot. And I’d put “Nursery Leader” right next to “Stake Pres” since Elder Oaks says they’re equal.
Three Nephite Only
Sooo? Is this a thing? I’ve never seen it. (And never want to see it again.)
Strengthening Church Members Committee Rep
Enough children to fill a 12 passenger van
Can trace genealogy back to Adam
Resident Exhorter
Stake OW Rep
FHM Perma
Prophetess
5th Wife
Aspiring Mission President
Visiting Area Authority
Just for my current building with a tiny mother’s room, but several men who regularly harass nursing mothers:
Three spots marked off with crime scene tape, with Nursing Mother’s Area stencil on the ground, a roof over head and a bunch of rocking chairs. It should be as far away as possible from the YM and EQ rooms, so they can pretend that breaststroke have no biological function. Or maybe it should be as close as possible.
These guys clearly don’t know the Unwritten Order – 1st counsellor should be on the right.
Does that say 1st Coon? Cartman?
2 cow wife
4 cow wife
8 cow wife
(all next to each other)
Sweet Spirit
Always talking about his mission
Not So High Councilor
Bears testimony without crying
Cries without bearing testimony
Facebook Narc
– Champion Indexer
– Facilities Manager
– Ordained Bishop
– High Councillor in Charge of Missionary Work
cans over 90 quarts of peaches yearly
assistant hymn book coordinator
If anyone needs reserved spots, it’s the Family Who, Despite Living Two Blocks From The Building, Can Never Make It To Sacrament Meeting On Time.
Bitter Single Sister
Funeral dirge accompanist
Largest family
any parking spot having to do with relief society should be done in vinyl lettering.
Nehor
(Since Nehor was the purveyor of the “Honor your Leaders” heresey in the Book of Mormon.)
I guess there’s no need for a space for the person who harm or accident befell. Except for at funerals.
Also, following Tracy: Assistant *to* the hymnbook coordinator
A bunch that I posted on FB:
Summer security salesman RM.
The one Brother who can read music and sing parts.
Elders Quorum Fantasy Football commissioner.
Scripture Chase Champion.
Cumorah/Nauvoo pageant extra.
Another one I came up with:
Literal Descendant of Aaron
Zelph
Cain
Onandagus
So, I think if this Stake President and Counselors get a parking place their wives should get one, too. After all, they can’t arrive and leave in one car, they need two or more. (Cars not wives.)
I have often wondered how close we are to getting names engraved on pews. I thought we might be getting closer, then I realized that this is about remembering who is in charge inside and outside of the church building. These high profile callings now privilege them to special parking places but we all know where they sit–front and center of every meeting. I just hope my Idaho leaders don’t catch wind of this.
Maybe the bigger service to these leaders would be to white-wash away their privileged spaces for them. I wonder if they would paint them back on.
I’m in favor of reserved parking spots, but only if they use the initials from the Kirtland temple pulpits, with Aaronic presidencies parking on the west side of the parking lot and Melchizedek on the east. (Since deacons and teachers are usually too young to drive, their reserved spots can be outfitted with bike racks.)
Bishop Emeritus
2nd Counselor, Sunday School Presidency (This one will always be vacant)
And, paint over Stake President with “Future Nursery Leader.”
Wonder if you would get towed for parking in their spot. You’re probably safe on Sunday, because calling the tow truck would be breaking the Sabbath.
How about a space reserved for Jon McNaughton? He’s far too busy to visit every corner of Zion, but we can always hope.
Religious Conspiracy Theorist
Sister Scriptorian
Overflow Chair Setter-Upper
Baptism Witness
James, perhaps the painters assumed the presidency would back into their designated spots so that the front of the vehicle faced out. This would put the 1st counselor on the right, 2nd on the left, and assure all who parked in the lot which mini-van had the authority to lead.
First (through Fourth) Horseman
Cometh Speedily (for whomever gets to church first–comes with bragging rights)
At Least You’re Clean (for someone who is late to church because they were literally or figuratively showering)
Killing me, you guys. Turtle Named Mack: We very nearly found out what happens. We only noticed the stencil because my husband unknowingly pulled into that space. When I told him “You can’t park here, apparently it’s reserved for the SP” he thought I was joking. I halfway expected him to back out, confirm that I was telling the truth, then pull right back in.
The One Mighty and Strong
If I read section 20 correctly, parking enforcement is a duty of the deacons. They hold the keys of letting the air out of your tires.
Mother in Israel, New Tribe
There should always be an empty parking spot left waiting for Elijah…
The feminists get the back corner spots – because they’re more likely to be wearing pants and practical shoes in inclement weather
Widow Carpool Spot
Chorister get’s the one closest to Primary Room Door
Sunstone Saint (temporary parking only)
Fledgling (home from college for weekend/Christmas/summer)
Paul H. Dunn War Buddy
Quiver Full (for extended length minivans)
“A” Permit (they know who they are. Will probably be empty for 2 weeks in July)
Cafeteria Section (should contain parking spaces of various sizes)
Salon Section (for those currently being groomed for Greater Things)
Old Testament Scholar (beware of swirling vortex directly overhead)
Menace to Society
Skousen Crank
Willie Martin Handcart Co. Descendant
MTC Barber
White and Delightsome
This is a prank that must be accomplished. I need this to happen.
I’ve only seen reserved parking for the stake presidency in one place, Colorado Springs, Colorado. I hope that is the only place where it exists, and hope it soon ends there. I don’t mind reserved parking at the temple for the temple presidency, and I don’t mind reserved parking at church headquarters for the First Presidency, but I have a hard time stretching to a stake presidency. If I’m ever on a high council in such a place, maybe I’ll ask the question.
Paint is going to get thick on this one:
Additional Relief Society
Enrichment, Home Family Personal Enrichment, HomemakingMeeting committee chair.My Bishop calls this ARM Committee for short. I keep thinking we have an adjustable rate mortgage committee every time I hear it. cringe.
-Sacrament Prayer:First Time Every Time
-The One The Bishop Wishes Would Go Inactive
-Stripling Warrior
-Best RS Centerpieces
-Pot Luck Champ
-Pearl Caster
-Swine
-As The Armies Of Helaman
-Feels Sad For “Those Women” (frown smile)
-One Of “Those Women”
-Saved Seats During Saturday Building Clean
-Sweet Spirit
-Easily Offended
-Learned More Preparing For Talk/Lesson
-Needs Ward To Bear With Him/Her
-Just Wrote Talk This Morning
-Just remembered Talk Assignment Last Night
-Will Remind Ward Not To Answer When Bro._____ Shows Up On Caller ID
Sacrament meeting only attendees
Would Be Remiss/Ungrateful Not Bearing Testimony
Wasn’t Going To Cry
Jessie – would you be willing to comment as to where (roughly) in the valley your stake lies? Just curious to see if any of my folk beliefs have a bearing in fact :)
Isn’t it bad enough they get to nap in the best seats in the chapel during Sacrament Meeting?
Reminds me of a scripture:
Luke 11:43 – “Woe unto you, stake presidents and counselors! for ye love the only padded seats in the chapel, and the best parking in the lot.”
That might not be an exact quote, but I think it’s something like that.
=)
I’m in Chandler, series of tubes.
Inspired by Sunny to break regular anonymity:
-WORE PANTS
-CHURCH LADDER-CLIMBER
-THE PRODIGAL SON
-STRIPLING WARRIOR
-CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN
-ADOPTED 3 CHILDREN
-CHILD IS LGBT
-SEMI-ACTIVE (SOMEWHERE INCONSPICUOUS)
-COMPLETED THE BISHOPS SCRIPTURE CHALLENGE
-TOO OLD FOR SINGLES WARD
-RETURNED EARLY FROM MISSION: MEDICAL REASONS
-SACRAMENT PRAYER: FIRST TIME EVERY TIME
-MORMON CELEBRITY (CLOSE)
-RELATED TO A MORMON CELEBRITY (CLOSER)
-RELATED TO AN OSMOND (CLOSEST)
-HOMESCHOOL
-CHARTER, MAGNET, PRIVATE. ANYTHING BUT TRADITIONAL SCHOOL
-CONTRIBUTES TO BCC
-ANONYMOUS FOLLOWER OF BCC (OR WORSE-THE EXPONENT)
-CONTRIBUTED TO PROP 8
-ROADSHOW DIRECTOR
-TATTOOED MORMON
-A SPECIAL SPOT FOR WAFFLELOVE
-REGULAR WARD TEMPLE NIGHT ATTENDEE
-And the always empty parking spot for – The Offended
Webster definer (need about 100 slots)
Family history center squatters
Dry councilmen
Tin Ear with Perfect Ward Choir Attendance
Animated Scripture Video salesman
Essential Oil Cures Diabetes and Autism Salesman
Current Mormon Mommy War Winner(s)
Rogue Man with Beard
Quotes Oprah when bearing testimony
General Conference Bingo Winner
Relatives of General Authorities (VIP slots)
Reserved: The person who most recently quoted a scripture from ‘Song of Solomon’ in church
Recovering from breast augmentation
Thanks Jessie. My stake is not too far from yours, but yours is closer to Gilbert. As we all know, a special wormhole connects Gilbert and Utah, transporting cultural baggage… :)
Youth of a Noble Birthright
Elect Who Has Been Decieved
Noble and Great One
Believer in the prosperity gospel (This would be labeled “Tender Mercedes of the Lord”)
Talks in a Really Spiritual Voice
Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
Laurel President
Always Welcome Visitor
“Whoever cleaned the church yesterday” parking spots only. They will all sit empty because our family was the only one who showed up….again. I’m not bitter…..
Steve Evans–what are the 3 Nephites driving? Is John the Beloved hitchhiking? Or does he disapparate?
I imagine that the Three Nephites are driving a really cool Citroen.
Arrived at This Destination in Peace and Safety
Thankful For Moisture
Ward Democrat
Ziff, I hope you’re allowed to include your own comments in your funniest comments of the year post.
100% Home Teacher.
Why did that one take this long? ;)
Weird Prepper Guy
Guy who carries non-correlated books to church along with the scriptures
Guy who gets around the no politics in church rule by constantly talking about how much his “friend” was inspired by Mitt Romney
Person who keeps their spouse from being called to leadership positions
Bowtie guy
Fashionista
Family of Perpetually Crying Children
Older Couples who Complain about Perpetually Crying Children (near the door)
Ph.D. in Scriptural Studies
Almost Got His Ph.D. in Scriptural Studies
Thinks He Should Receive an Honorary Ph.D. in Scriptural Studies
Zumba Moms (near Cultural Hall)
Nourished and Strengthened
Loves their Mom and Dad
Fiber-of-Being Epistemologist
Family Stick Figure Decal Car
SHHHH!
Tender Mercies Recipient
Builder of the Nation
Keeper of the wifi password
There was a recent ranking of the top ten snobbiest towns in the US. It caught my attention because the town where I grew up ( Bethesda, MD) and the town where I own a business(Rockville ,MD )
Both made the top 10. I hardly feel worthy of the honor.
Just wondering if we could put together
a top ten list of snobbiest wards( or stakes ) in the church.
Multi Level Marker
Securities Fraudste