Police Beat Roundtable XXVI

To protect or whatever

The 26th installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

This installment: Karen is hopped up on goofballs, and we are visited by the lamest of the Three Nephites.

Steve: GST, apparently Karen is drunk on cold medicine. And she’s not even sick!
GST: I like how she parties
Karen: Hi Greg. I’m Karen and I take cold medicine.
GST: Yeeesss

Police responded to a call at 2 p.m. Oct. 10 about a 22-year–old student selling candy in front of the Wilkinson Student Center. The student had a box full of candy hanging by a rope from his neck. Employees asked the suspect to move but he failed to do so and refused to give police any information. The individual was cited for interference with a police officer and was removed from the area.

Karen: Was this Halloween? The rope detail is a little gruesome. Or a little irrelevant.
Steve: If anyone causes one of these co-eds to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large box of candy hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
Karen: BYU, fulfilling New Testament prophecies since the Wilkinson years.
GST: I wish he were instead selling apples or pencils, like a Depression-era stockbroker
Karen: “interference with the police”? It seems like the police were interfering with the candy selling. Abuse of power!
Steve: I have to admit, the rope is an interesting detail. I’d like to think it’s the sort of nautical rope used to secure a supertanker to the pier.
GST: Intentional interference with diabetes is not yet a cognizable theory of liability.
Karen: Do you think “interference with the police” is a euphemism, and this is actually a boom chicka wa wa crime? That’s a technical term. From law school.
GST: I don’t remember it myself, but I recognize that you went to a sexy law school.
Steve: Because Mr. Wile E Coyote refused to give any information, the hapless reporters describe him as “about a 22-year-old.” Not sure what a 22 year old looks like, as opposed to say a 21 or 23 year old. I imagine it has a lot to do with ropes and candy.
Karen: Hapless reporters? This has hapless 22 year old cop written all over it.
GST: [not for publication]22 means that he was wearing garments, and therefore a returned missionary.
Karen: This is why they pay you the big bucks.
Steve: Not to nitpick, but I believe he was “issued a citation”, not “cited.” I think I will cite this individual in Sunday School, however.
Karen: So, is it just me, or is there something a little sinister about “removed from the area.” Like, they cuffed him and tossed him out the backseat of the car once they hit seventh north?
GST: You could cite him, if only he would say something. They put him in the BYU PD helicopter and disappeared his ass over Utah Lake
Steve: Candy Weirdo 22:5 saith, “behold I shall not give thee any information. And lo, he was removed from the area by the spirit and by the cops.”
Karen: I wonder if there is an island of “suspicious people” living out in Utah lake just exchanging gruesome campfire stories about their hard knock days of candy selling.
GST: By cops who marched under the insignia of Laban’s sword.
Steve: There is a whole section of the hobo marking alphabet devoted to candy selling on campuses.

A woman was cited for assault in the LaVell Edwards Stadium after the football game Oct. 9. The victim reportedly exchanged words about the BYU football team with the woman’s husband before she became angry and started punching the man. The victim’s friend then joined in the exchange. Police issued the woman a misdemeanor citation for assault.

GST: No jury will convict
Karen: This was actually an audition for the real housewives of Utah county.
Steve: The BYU Word Exchange Program was cancelled soon thereafter
Karen: I kinda like how the gender barriers have been conquered here. We know that women are equal when they start punching guys over football games. Thanks feminism!
Steve: And people say the free market doesn’t work! Look at these people freely exchanging goods (words) and services (punches).
Karen: Real capitalists of Utah county.
Steve: Words I would like to exchange about the BYU football team: jock, strap, cleats
GST: I would like to exchange “lose” for “win”
Steve: I would like to exchange “football” for “seepak takraw”
GST: I don’t know how people who don’t drink still manage to get in brawls in sporting venues.
Steve: Karen is thinking about it, but the only words that come to her mind are “robitussin” and “not again”
Karen: When I was 12 we had season tickets and sat on the second to top row of Cougar Stadium. The women behind us would chant “march down the field Ty! march down the field Ty!” for four straight hours. I think she was hypnotized. I would like to exchange those words for getting back the fall of 1985.
GST: It was her centering prayer
Steve: I once had a poodle named Ty.
GST: I think it was a statement of her realistic ambitions for the team that day: “March down the field, tie!”
Karen: Ironically, Ty Detmer once had a poodle named Steve. And thus we see that life is circumscribed into one great whole.
Steve: I’d like to exchange “whole” for “hole”

Three residents at Wymount Terrace reported a woman in her 20s calling and asking when the individuals’ babies were due. When asked to identify herself, the woman quickly hung up. Two of the three women receiving the calls are pregnant. The calls have occurred the past two months. No suspect has been identified. Police remind students that the only way to press charges for phone harassment is to inform the caller that his or her calls are not wanted and to not call again.

Karen: Shy visiting teaching coordinator.
Steve: It’s the Wymount equivalent of asking if your refrigerator is running.
Karen: Next! Honestly, you could call every phone in wymount, and two out of three people answering would be pregnant. Lazy pranksters.
GST: Yes, because there’s no way that the law can presume that you don’t want strangers asking necessary details for planning to boost your baby from the maternity ward.
Steve: Intermountain Healthcare telemarketers can be really pushy.
Karen: I would frankly be worried if I lived in Wymount and people weren’t calling to ask when my baby was due. How else does the casserole system operate?
GST: They have a series of casserole pneumatic tubes built throughout the complex. It’s a series of tubes, is what I’m trying to say.
Steve: Is that the same system that heats the sidewalks?
GST: Don’t say anything funny for the next 90 seconds, I have to run to the bathroom. 110 seconds if you want me to wash my hands.
Karen: diet coke break.
Steve: he’s washing his hands with diet coke? I know it works on car bumpers, but not the funk he’s got going on down there.
GST: I compromised and just washed one hand. You know which.
Onadagus:: Geez, let me ease into this, wouldja?
GST: Onadagus:, that might seem awkward joining the conversation mid-stream, as it were. But believe me, it’s worse than it seems.
Karen: Hey Onadagus:!
Steve: we were just talking about casserole delivery systems. GST insists that it’s a subterranean pneumatic tube, while I am pretty sure I saw UAVs with dutch ovens.
Steve: (I will have to excise all identifiable information about Onadagus:, b/c he doesn’t want to be identified online)
Karen: Hey, mysterious stranger, are you pregnant?
Onadagus:: Because I don’t want to be fired. And yes I am totally pregnant.

Police officers caught a student shoplifting a bag of frozen peas in the BYU Bookstore. The student received a citation and was released. She refused to comment on the situation.

GST: Because what is there to say, really?
Karen: frozen peas in the bookstore?
Onadagus:: Peas don’t tell my bishop.
GST: Peas and carrots here abound
Onadagus:: (I think puns will be my thing here.)
Steve: Due to careless reporting, a key capital letter was missed: these are Frozen peas. thus the popularity at BYU.
Onadagus:: It’s NOT the bookstore. It is now called the BYUStore. Books are secondary — To frozen vegetables, it seems.
GST: I remember lining up at the end of the semester to re-sell my vegetables to the bookstore. Good times.
Karen: Are there reporters following around the BYU police asking people to comment on their inane crimes? Do they get class credit for that?
Steve: And every year those effing Home Ec teachers update their menus to the new version of the peas, so you can’t just use the old one, even though THEY TASTE THE SAME
GST: “Male, would you care to comment on your alleged suspiciousness?”
Onadagus:: The BYU cops are notorious for planting evidence.
Karen: Either this was a family home evening treasure hunt gone awry, or this lady was making casseroles for the 2/3 pregnant ladies at wymount.
Steve: 2 out of three ladies agree: we’re pregnant. Give peas a chance.
GST: Maybe that explains the calls at Wymount too. The treasure hunt list included a bound-and-gagged 6 month pregnant woman.
Onadagus:: Or truth or dare. And this poor woman got the triple-dog-dare. Which, at BYU, equals shoplifting produce.
GST: (TW: binding and gagging and kidnapping. And casseroles.)
Karen: Double dog dare is merely refusing to say thank you after a pop quiz.
Steve: (TW: absence of humor)
GST: You take that back, if you ever want to see your wife alive again.
Steve: that is a weird way of motivating me.
GST: I know, right?
Onadagus:: Take my wife! PEAS!
Karen: Lacking both a wife and peas, I am remaining silent.

Suspicious circumstances occurred Nov. 14 when a male grabbed the arm and then shoulders of a woman near the Tanner Building. The incident occurred after a high school debate competition on campus. The assault is under investigation.

Karen: Don’t leave us in suspense! What are the suspicious circumstances?
Steve: The passive voice occurred when a reporter was just a clueless intern.
Onadagus:: When the police beat says “suspicious circumstances occurred when…” I can never tell if the next thing they say is the suspicious circumstance.
GST: Boy, who knew that inviting high school debaters on to campus would increase the number of young men who don’t know how to interact normally with women?? Live and learn.
Karen: Having been at more than my share of high school debate tournaments, I can only say that it is suspicious that these kids were only grabbing each other’s arms and not getting hot and heavy at the motel six after midnight.
Steve: Here’s how to zing up your Police Beat: replace every instance of “suspicious circumstances occurred when…” with “fabulous secret powers were revealed to me when…”
Karen: I think that is precisely the mistake the high school debater was making….
GST: High school debaters on a college campus for a tournament get grabby, and WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL AMAZE YOU.
Onadagus:: This was probably a simple case of a young man forgetting that he was at a debate tournament instead of a choir festival.
GST: “Proposition: I am entitled to manhandle you as if you were my chattel property. In favor!”
Steve: The Tanner Building is the most sensitive spot of a woman’s shoulder.
Karen: Do you think that the police beat interns get paid a bonus for using the word “suspicious”?
Steve: no, but it does arouse suspicion if they don’t.
Onadagus:: “suspicious” is practically punctuation.

Theft occurred in Harman Building at about midnight on Dec. 4. Someone removed a video cart from inside a computer. After the officer investigated, police found that others in the area had been robbed and at least three other internal components had been stolen. Total value of losses is $300.

Steve: It’s IN the computer??
Onadagus:: I believe that was the Escher building.
GST: card, I presume.
Karen: Is this written in java script? I do not understand.
GST: Derek Zoolander: “The files are IN THE COMPUTER!”
Steve: uh, I said that, doofus. The suspect was last seen wearing a white spandex outfit and white hockey helmet, with neon trim.
Karen: Internal components of the video cart? We are missing VHS tapes of “ladyhawke” and “The Man from Snowy River”! Call the campus police!
Steve: Graffiti found on the scene calls for an uprising against the Users.
GST: “Ladyhawke.” Excellent.
Steve: Eric Clapton: “After midnight, we gonna let [the video cards] all hang out. We gonna shake that tambourine.”
GST: Little known fact: several temple movie establishing shots were taken from second unit footage of Ladyhawke. Don’t look it up, just believe me.
Karen: This police beat is actually the case of the missing articles. Kids, in English we use “a” and “the”.
Steve: Starring Rutger Hauer as the apostle John.
GST: Actual Rutger Hauer movie lines that would not be out of place in the temple movie include:
“I want more life, @#%$.”
(I presume you can print that on BCC.)
Onadagus:: And this is why I’m anonymous.
Karen: We’re required to reference Rutger Hauer and drop an f bomb quarterly. Part of the bylaws.
Steve: He’s so good an actor, he deserves to have that university in New Jersey named after him
Onadagus:: Hauer University? Never heard of it.
Karen: Someone is going to have to do some serious editing to this one. And possibly hire Bruce Vilanch to punch it up a little.
Steve: Hire that woman from the stadium to punch it up a little, exchange some words.
Onadagus:: Or at least to grab its arm and then its shoulders.
GST: These are never edited, Karen. Ever.
Steve: Except to excise women. It’s part of the BCC ‘Excise Women’ movement
GST: It’s imperative.
Steve: Now more than ever.
Karen: I secretly suspect that this entire police beat roundtable is part of one giant gadianton robbers mystery. The pregnant lady got in a fist fight at the stadium, stole some peas, got sexually harassed (like she deserved) and then tried to sell candy as a cover.
Steve: The theme song for today’s PBR, incidentally, is ’18 And Life’ by Skid Row.


  1. I wonder how the Provo beat compares to Rexburg . . . . Now where did I put that darn Scroll?

  2. Like everything else, Rexburg is a pale shadow of the greatness that is Provo. I read that somewhere.

  3. I love these. The cold medicine seems to be working for you, Karen.

    Out of curiosity, Steve, did you really have a poodle named Ty? Because I totally did. Well, it was a toy poodle technically.

  4. Yes! Totally true. You must be in my immediate family. Hello!

  5. it's a series of tubes says:

    I endorse GST’s comments. Also, you could have printed Hauer’s revised line as found in the Final Cut.

  6. Made. My. Day.

  7. Angela C says:

    I laughed. I cried. I swigged on Robitussin per Karen’s poor example.

  8. Hahaha. That’s hilarious. Apparently naming options for poodles are limited.

  9. John Mansfield says:

    I suppose the item on the patch to the left of the sword is a pen in an inkwell, symbolic of writing citations, but it looks more like a yerba mate with a metal straw, symbolic of relaxed conviviality. (mate photos)

  10. rameumptom says:

    Hello little Molly Mormon girl! Would you like some candy that’s hanging around my neck?

  11. BYU police have inkwells on their Segways.

  12. “Ladyhawke” and “The Man from Snowy River” reference, FTW.

    Trying to decide if I would prefer second-half-silent Eve or Rutger Hauer as Eve.

  13. I can see now that my life was totally wasted by not going to BYU to buy my frozen vegetables.

  14. We all know that the lady who got her shoulder grabbed was wearing too-short shorts. The young man who grabbed her was just trying to let her know about the Honor Code. Duh. She deserved the kind of guy she got.

  15. rameumptom says:

    I think the reason the guy grabbed her shoulder was to check to see if she was wearing garments. Why waste time seeing if someone is temple worthy, when you can do a 5 second spot check?

  16. It was an “is this felt?” joke gone horribly awry.

  17. Elouise Bell says:

    Look, this is pretty simple: many people get their shoulders wrenched at BYU. Besides debate opponents and wrathful sports fans, you have returning missionaries grabbing for dear life at SOMEONE who knew what life was really like in the southern North Dakota West Mission. You have Remedial Physics students grasping classmates with both hands and weeping for enlightenment by tomorrow at any cost. You have dance students whose mothers raised them on SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS; these students’ powerful do-si-dos have ended more than one career.

    Now, the best treatment for a wrenched shoulder is. . . ? Cold packs. Cheapest cold packs are
    . . . ? Frozen peas. I happen to know a retired BYU professor, a bit addled-pated and unnecessarily animated, who, while lecturing, fell over a folded long folding table. Before she was on her feet again, still lecturing, three female students had whipped out frozen peas from their backpacks.

  18. Elouise, you are seeing the patterns within the pattern. Those with eyes to see, let them see! As one who has been sidelined by a do-si-do, I can tell you this is no laughing matter.

  19. I especially appreciate Steve publishing my comment that was flagged with “[not for publication].” Total President Wheatley move.

  20. Ray, there’s no question! Rutger Hauer all the way!

  21. JeannineL says:

    PBR = Click Bait.

    At least for me, anyway. What a great Pioneer Day present!

  22. Karen H. says:

    Yeah, gst. I was a little surprised that he published my “somebody really needs to edit this” comment as well. Suspicious behavior indeed.

  23. Turns out that nobody stood up and volunteered to edit! Shocking.

  24. Central Standard says:

    BYU football games sounds like what happens in Green Bay…

  25. So I’m guessing from the badge graphic that BYU has only three houses: Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, and Hufflepuff. Are slythy types just not attracted to BYU, or can’t they get in?

  26. Steve, you’re right – provo has the best crazies. Although this one from the scroll last week was particularly good:

    police returned a phone call from a man who was allegedly being harassed and wanted the help of the police so that he didn’t take matters into his own hands

    that’s the only good one – whoever writes up the police log for the scroll is pretty boring

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