Breakfast of Champions (UPDATED)

Dear Leader Steve Evans has been griping INCESSANTLY to the BCC backlist this morning over how I was mean to him when he tried to explain that he has a tummy ache. In the nature of transparency and to set the record straight, I provide the details on our conversation, unedited:

Steve: I would like to tell you about my breakfast this morning.
Sent at 9:16 AM on Tuesday

Scott: i am listening

Steve: it started off as a collection of dried fruits and nuts.

Scott: Read: Granola Bar

Steve: no — prunes, apricots, cherries and almonds
Then I noticed that I brought a bag of cookies with me to work.

Then I noticed that I brought a bag of cookies with me to work.
So those went. Three cookies.
Then I saw that I had a half a family sized bag of Fritos in my office
and now I don’t feel so good.

Scott: Fritos are gross, man
I can’t believe you bought a family sized bag.

Steve: not when you have chili for lunch
they are a decent side with chili

Scott: chili + fritos = lifetime supply of sodium

Steve: what I’m saying here is that I need some compassion.

Scott: you’re going to be really farty too
so let’s see here: Fruit, nuts, cookies (what kind?), fritos.
did you wash it all down with a diet croak?

Steve: crystal light lemonade

Scott: excellent. it’s important to keep the calories down.

Steve: I believe in Crystal Light

Scott: imagine the tie-in sales of rebooting a classic film: Dark Crystal (Light)
like a black raspberry flavor, maybe. A picture of skeksis on the tube of powder packets.

Steve: Dark Crystal Light is a delightfully oxymoronic product name

UPDATE! Here’s a picture of Steve’s lunch:


  1. Consider the humiliating admissions from Steve in this conversation:

    1. He likes Fritos
    2. He ate 1/2 a big bag of Fritos for breakfast
    3. He has no self-control whatsoever

    Also, he typed the thing about cookies twice, so it’s unclear whether each bag had 1.5 cookies (for a total of 3), or 3 cookies (for a total of 6).

  2. I’m not gonna lie, people–I think that Steve clearly violates the intent (if not the letter) of the Word of Wisdom here. In addition to all rules of basic decency when it comes to breakfast.

  3. The cookies thing was a typo. There were only three cookies. Only!

    I don’t get the Fritos animus. I don’t like eating them plain (except for breakfast, apparently) but Frito Pie is a national treasure along with Nic Cage movies and NASCAR. Meanwhile, good luck coming up with a Gelfling flavor drink that isn’t nasty.

  4. “I don’t get the Fritos animus.”


  5. OK, I admit it, I wasn’t drinking Crystal Light, but I wasn’t ready to tell you that I was downing a quart of half-and-half.

  6. OK, I admit it, I wasn’t drinking Crystal Light, but I wasn’t ready to tell you that I was downing a quart of half-and-half.

    We knew what you were when we picked you up, Poindexter.

  7. I would buy Dark Crystal Light. I would also, admittedly, eat cookies for breakfast. So I’m pretty much making a note to myself right now to never IM with you Scotty B.

  8. The real lesson here is not to trust Scott with your HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL breakfast IMs. Learn from me, children of the future!

  9. Hey Steve–care to tell everyone where that list of bathtub hymns came from?

  10. NO IDEA

  11. Fritos and fornication pantaloons


  12. Karen,
    Eating cookies for breakfast is fine. It’s even to be applauded at times! But expecting sympathy from the resultant upset stomach? I think not!

  13. Scott, I guess that is the difference between a friend and a stranger. If you had a tummy ache from eating too many cookies and fritos for breakfast, do you think a friend would take the resulting conversation and post it up on the internet? Well?? Do you???

  14. I’ll answer your question with another question:

    If you loved your friend, and knew that he had a problem and that he would not see reason in private, would you not intervene publicly?

  15. …you love me?

  16. This whole conversation has racist overtones. I can’t understand the two-facedness of RuleMakerKaren.

  17. I’m thinking Steve Evan’s breakfast menu should be the standard fare for Gitmo detainees. Interrogations would be quicker and much more effective.

  18. I think we need a dialogue to constructively engage the arguments between Fritos fans and Fritos haters. A post that describes the dialectic geography.

  19. Kyle M,
    It’s a pretty clear line. The literature tends to refer to the division as being analogous to “Celestial Kingdom” and “Not.”

  20. Scott cannot look upon Fritos with the least degree of allowance.

  21. I’m kind of on Scott B’s side here–just desserts (get it?) and all that. Cf. D&C 130:20-21; Mosiah 3:19.

  22. On an unrelated note, did the Staff Bathrooms post just get deleted?

  23. I think I just threw up in my mouth. And it still tasted better than Steve’s breakfast.

  24. Fritos are the One True Corn Chip. Unless you’re making nachos.

  25. John,
    Sick. Go away until you have something not-gross to say.


    Now Steve–sore loser that he is–is trying to muster support for his disgusting behavior on Twitter (as if Twitter is some bastion of reasonable people with preferences to be paid attention to!)

  27. Hey, now, Scott, I’m on Twitter. On second thought, I may have just made your argument for you.

  28. I like Fritos. But only Fritos Scoops.

  29. It wasn’t the fact that Steve ate the Fritos that offended me. It was the tone he used to eat them.

  30. Now I need some Scoops…

  31. Is no one even LOOKING at his lunch?

  32. Fritos are what happens to tortilla chips when they have been homeless for a few months.

  33. Aw man! Do we all have to eat like this now?

  34. I can’t figure out what his lunch is. Some kind of sausage?

  35. I believe they are hot dogs. Split down the middle, sliced in half, and soaked in juice.

  36. They are indeed hot dogs, but in chili! YUM.

  37. Remarkable! Its really awesome paragraph, I have got much clear idea concerning from this post.

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