Three Nephites, Ranked

Had I known that Steve was never a Zone Leader, I probably wouldn’t have allowed him to have as much influence as I did on last week’s rankings. Fortunately, we both share a high degree of personal knowledge about this week’s topic.

The 3 Nephigos
As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. 2.
  2. 3.
  3. 1. (tie)


  1. I’m going to go ahead and break with the majority and posit that the greatest of the Three Nephites is Alex Lifeson.

  2. Who does #2 work for??

  3. 3 was robbed!

  4. Typical BCC. First you attack the Lord’s anointed servants and now you mock the very keystone of our faith, even the Book of Mormon.

  5. I had a seminary teacher that doubted that I could give the actual names of the three Nephites. I read 3 Nephi 19:4.

  6. I’m interested in the implications of the Three Amigos being the Three Nephites. Does this explain the persistent “Steve Martin is a Mormon” rumors? Is this why the movie had a Latin locale? Did Martin Short get the sexiest girlfriend because he had been the best missionary? Did Chevy Chase quit Community because he was called to preach to the Lost Tribes in the center of the Earth? The mind boggles! There is a plethora of questions that arise.

  7. This blog used to be a source of reliable scholarly information. I don’t know who your new fact-checker is now, but that is NOT a photo of the Three Nephites.

  8. sgnm, after watching this, I would have to agree with your assessment.

  9. The definitive top 10 list of Star Wars prequels, Led Zeppelin albums, and the three Nephites:

    1. 2
    2. 3
    3. 1
    4. 4
    5. 1
    6. 2
    7. Physical Graffiti
    8. 1
    9. 3
    10. 2

  10. “Who does #2 work for??”

    I’m in a hotel currently and I likely disturbed those in the nearby rooms with my laughter.

  11. In case you think we’re not being serious, we spent FAR more time debating the order of this ranking than any previous rankings. It was tough.

  12. What is your point? Are you sharing something of value?

  13. You guys are just a bunch of bullies . . . bullies, I say!

  14. You can’t rank Zeppelin IV in front of Zeppelins I and II. Perhaps there’s room for disagreement on this 3 nephite business, but not on Led Zeppelin’s best albums.

  15. Sgnm for the win, by being the first person I’m aware of to reference the band Rush on the BCC. The recent documentary “Rush, Beyond the Lighted Stage” is pretty fun to watch if you enjoy their music.

  16. I think this post violates the Unwritten Order of Things.

  17. Chris, you are quite incorrect. I was making Red Barchetta and Tom Sawyer references a decade ago (sadly).

  18. Christopher Bradford (Grasshopper) says:

    I’d rank 1 at #3 too if he started the whole tie thing.

  19. He might have started the tie thing, but at that time it wasn’t required to have a white shirt (Nephites had not invented any bleach yet).

  20. The three of us have talked and decided your list is way off. Also, you need to get your food storage in place.

  21. Nonsense, Niklas. If the nephites didn’t have white shirts and ties, how did Jesus know who to choose for passing the sacrament?

    Yeah–that’s what I thought, sucka.

  22. I’m afraid you two are overlooking the advanced metrics. #1’s CSTfW (Changing Spare Tires for Widows) metric has been off the chart this last decade.

  23. All three are so busy helping people find their keys and ace the LSAT that they are neglecting those who are simply looking to grow their businesses. Tsk, tsk.

  24. There all sooo close in the rankings. Let’s see . . . Ok, so which one delivers out-of-town newspapers and pulls drowning children out of bodies of water while their mom is at the temple? Woot! Lifeguarding for the win!

  25. CSTfW really shouldn’t count because GD.

  26. On the other hand, maybe GD is a narrative of 3N training ground.

  27. The Other Clark says:

    Scott B. FTW

  28. It’s so easy to determine their order. When they show up on a deserted highway with jumper cables, the one in the middle is #1, to his right (your left) is #2, and the guy on the other side is #3. Unless the third guy has a cool European accent, in which case he’s #1.

  29. Methinks this one jumped the shark a little, my boys.

  30. The first rule about the Three Nephites is that no one talks about the Three Nephites.

  31. Well, I should clarify that I say that not out of any particular reverence for the Three Nephites themselves but for the presentation of the rankings in this case. I was looking for a list similar to the deacons.

  32. John, I suggest you leave the rankings to the professionals

  33. Well, this will certainly make our next list–Things We Love About John F, Ranked–a little bit awkward, I guess.

  34. Bro

  35. I don’t know exactly how or what this ranking is all about. I can say that the best 3 Nephite stories were written by Neal Chandler (1) and Levi Peterson (2). There is no #3.

  36. looks good

  37. No love at all for Houses of the Holy? By which I mean the album, as the song appears on a listed album.

  38. As a former bishop I’m shocked and saddened once again by your blatant disregard for “things are they are”. . we have a handbook that addresses these concerns and clearly the ranking is to be found there. Let me help you because my experience and thoughts are more valuable than your own.

    1. 1
    2. 2
    3. 3

    That is the order of things.

  39. While this list is incredibly thought-provoking and helpful, what I’d like most to see is a ranking of responsibilities of the Three Nephites.

  40. Matt Thurston says:

    Really, #3 and #1 in a tie? I would have agreed with you if this was, say, the mid 1600s. Back then both Nephites were on their game, just totally dialed in. Since then, #3 has still been still been ballin, no doubt. But #1, what has he done for ya lately? Sorry, but picking up a random hitchhiker here and there ain’t gettin’ it done.

    1. #2
    2. #3
    3. Apostle John
    4. Cain/Big Foot
    5. #1

  41. “And behold they will be among the Gentiles, and the Gentiles shall know them not. They will also be among the Jews, and the Jews shall know them not. And they will be among the bloggers, and bloggers of BCC shall know them.”

    3 Nephi 28:27-28

  42. I would put Alex a close third behind Neil and Ged. And I have made Rush references plenty including a prediction of the millennium beginning in 2112.

  43. Some of the commenters should be writers for sitcoms.
    Too funny.

  44. John the Beloved is a mocking term of endearment given to him by the 3 Nephites in the same vein as ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’.

  45. “No love at all for Houses of the Holy?”

    There is, I’m sure, much love and a whole ‘nuther list for that…

    oh, you we’re talking about an album?

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