Book of Mormon Weaponry, Ranked

It’s been a couple of weeks since we ranked something, and due to some pervasive accusations of shark-jumping, Steve and I put in the overtime for this list. We all know that the Book of Mormon is a treasure-trove of spiritual food and nourishment, but to the careful reader, it is also home to some amazing guns.

BoM Weaponry
As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. #10. Ammon Biceps

    Sheep-Protecting Guns

  2. #9. Viking Helmet & Bandage Biceps

    Viking Helmet & Bandage Guns

  3. #8. Evil Archer Guns

    Evil Archer Guns

  4. #7. Boat Biceps

    Boat Guns

  5. #6. Bro Biceps

    Saggy Bro Guns

  6. #5. Broken Bow Biceps

    Broken Bow Guns

  7. #4. Baptismal Biceps

    Baptismal Guns

  8. #3. Gold Plates Biceps

    Gold Plates Guns

  9. #2. Liahona Product Demo Biceps

    Liahona Product Demo Guns

  10. #1. Zone Leader Stripling Warrior Biceps

    Zone Leader Stripling Warrior Guns

Comments

  1. And here I was “gunning” to criticize your list. But alas, I cannot. I must humbly acknowledge the brilliance of your sage rankings of BoM guns!

  2. Never having seen #5 before, I now know how his steel bow broke. Guns.

    And I never knew that they had access to neck thickening steroids back then. Huh. The more you know.

  3. Frankly it’s a wonder that Nephi didn’t crush that bow in his hands every time he used it.

  4. I suppose if you’re going for things that are only accurately portrayed in the BoM, “I could see into his bosom” guns and “moving a rock hiding gold plates” guns go to another list.

    Ooh, maybe a list ranking the strength of modern day Prophets in their physical prime?

  5. John Mansfield says:

    No Minerva Teichert guns?

  6. A Happy Hubby says:

    On #5, with ‘guns’ like those, why does he need a bow? He could run down and decapitate most any animal around.

    Also – if Nephi was this buff, why couldn’t he just man handle Laman and Lemuel himself outside the walls? Why did he need an angel to help him?

    Makes me wonder when did they find time to workout so much? Nephi must have been a body-builder by profession when he was in Jerusalem.

  7. Hahaha, excellent!

  8. Seriously though, being a Zone Leader isn’t that important.

  9. ^^says bitter non-former-ZL.

  10. Come On!!! You left out old man Abinidi’s guns!

  11. Aw, I was hoping to find out whether a cimeter is ranked higher than a sword.

  12. Paul, you make a valid point. Don’t know how that one got past us!

  13. Abinadi is a ripped old dude, but Nephi would crush him in am arm wrestle. And indeed he has, in Spirit World arm wrestling tourneys.

  14. I’m just sad Arnold Friberg never did a full-body self portrait.

    (is “full-body self portrait” an oxymoron? Oh well, you get the drift)

  15. Moroni’s forearms are bigger than his head. Oh, Brother Friberg . . .

  16. Apparently I need to go to the gym. I have some major bulking up to do if I’m to emulate the prophets.

  17. Frank says ““I could see into his bosom” guns”

    Only the bosom. The shoulder holster wasn’t visible.

  18. Perfect.

  19. Nice work, lads. (I use the term because there is no way all y’all are ripped as these guys. No time to work out rankings posts over Gchat when you’re living at the gym and subsisting solely on steroid-laced Triscuits.)

    I propose a “Ways that BCC Rankings Posts Could Jump The Shark, Ranked” post. Show your accusers the feebleness of their imaginations.

  20. This post reminded me that such a thing as this actually exists: http://deseretbook.com/Guy-Stuff-Scriptures-Mike-Winder/i/5126155

    Besides a chapter on weapons, Winder decides to rank the “Beauties of the Bible.” Here’s a taste: “10. Delilah—Loved by the strong Samson, Delilah had such influence over him that he revealed the secret of his strength (his long hair) to her to prove that he loved her. Bad idea. This gal betrayed him and had his head shaved while he slept in her lap, leading to Samson’s downfall. Clearly a beauty, so she makes our list, but she was not a very nice one, so we relegate Delilah to the last of our top ten. (See Judges 16)”

  21. I know an argument could be made out of the artistic representation of physical/spiritual strength — but I really think this feeds into our persecution complex, we need to be buff because the “world” is always out to get you.

    ps why is this the first time I’ve noticed the see-through clingy, fabric of the hot girl that just got baptized? If we have to edit cap sleeves onto angels how is this okay, people? I demand a recount.

  22. Rigel Hawthorne says:

    I would like the “evil archer calves and thighs of steel” workout video.

  23. Kevin Barney says:

    I’ve never seen no. 5 before, either. I wonder how in the world that one got by me.

  24. EmJen that quote is the single most terrifying thing I’ve ever read on the internet.

    And oh, number 5, why? Why?

  25. Those “Illustrated Stories from the Book of Mormon” offer a veritable armory of guns, from “I just cut of Shiz’s head” guns to “I just got stabbed through the thigh” guns. I grew up assuming that when I lived righteously enough my guns would look similar. Sadly, that was only true while I was ZL.

  26. Now imagine all of the stories being narrated by Conan-era Arnold Schwarzenegger.

  27. A Happy Hubby says:

    Funny you should say that Doug. Yesterday when I first read this I thought about Arnold being the president of the church (since he isn’t a natural born citizen he can become POTUS, so would he settle for President of the church? OK, now I have crossed the line of humor into blasphemy. But I could see him giving a conference talk – “I nose ziz chach ez chew”

  28. Thanks much–made my day.

  29. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    Growing up, I assumed that when I received the priesthood, my guns would grow more powerful. Alas, I was mistaken. And let that be a lesson to all the women who wish to grow more powerful through holding the priesthood.

  30. Boat guns were too high…..also AP guns definitely beat Zone Leader guns. Other than that, the list is great.

  31. Kevin and others, I think that no. 5 is an imitation Friberg. You know, since ‘ol Arnie decided to use the muscular motif as a characteristic of his Book of Mormon heroes (which I think is great, by the way — have always loved his paintings since I would stare at them at length in the old Books of Mormon when in Sacrament Meeting or other meetings), it, of course, became canon (er, cannon for this post?) in our culture and has been followed by numerous subsequent Mormon artists content to produce derivative work in order to cash in on the Mormon canonization of kitsch rather than put forward their own interpretation in exercising their artistic talent.

    How else will Mormons recognize the paintings as depicting a Book of Mormon scene unless that culturally canonized motif of unrealistically ripped people from ancient times is used as a signal? I guess one of the few alternatives to make sure the Mormon viewer knows what he or she is looking at would be to put a mouseover with an explanation over each thing in a picture. . . .

  32. Mouseovers strike me as something a member of a splinter group would do

  33. yeah, that sounds about right

  34. ZL dude has hellza quads. Just saying.

  35. APs have painted on guns. Just sayin…

  36. Apparently the ancient world was full of ‘roids and barbells.

  37. If we were to view Evil Archer Guns from the other side, we’d have a whole other weapon to worry about