Things Anonymous Will Reveal, Ranked

So did you all hear that Anonymous has threatened to take over if the big JD gets the axe? I don’t want to play spoiler or anything, but the truth is, Steve and I have been running ourselves for the past 3 years, and we can already tell you the dirtiest-dirt there is. Brace yourselves, folks–Shiz is about to get real. anonymous

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. The location of the “Gospel Topics Essays” page
  2. Most frequent search term on is “prayer bible dictionary”
  3. Middle initial of every General Authority
  4. Next year’s Sunday School curriculum
  5. Your grandma really did already do everyone’s temple work
  6. General Conference addresses from 1970 to the present
  7. New GAs are given a pamphlet with dress guidelines titled “Fifty Shades of Really, Really, Really, Dark Grey”
  8. Intranet handles for the FP and Q12 (Tommy, HAL, & Maverick; BPack, DreadPirate, HeartMan, Oakenshield, N0taM0rm0n, EyeGazer, Hale_Bob, jeff, Pickles, Attorney1940, Attorney1945, GetsWorstChoco
  9. The ur-recipe for funeral potatoes
  10. Your membership number


  1. Will we finally get to see that Steve Martin is in fact a mormon?

  2. LDS_Scoutmaster says:

    Fo Shiz-el?

  3. Loved the handles. Plus, I tracted Steve Martin out on my mish.

  4. A Happy Hubby says:

    If I recall correctly, John’s brother was the CIO of the church and probably had something to do with getting the LDS.ORG website to where it is today.

    Of course these guys are nothing to snuff at – IF they really are interested in doing harm. Sometimes they threat and move on to other things that interest them more.

  5. Apostle selfies with the sword of Laban

  6. On #2, secret ingredient: manna.

  7. Beta release for an “online tithing payment” button that, once clicked, directs a user to the City Creek Mall.

  8. Elder Oaks’s denied petitions to call upon she bears.

  9. 11. Steve Evans is really both Jerald and Sandra Tanner, reincarnated in a lawyers body.

  10. Heck Dave, I’m still looking for the regular pay tithing online instructions. I’ve seen them via email chain letters, but decided to wait for it to not be part of the unwritten order of things.

  11. Both John and his brother have worked in IT at the Church. I expect that John has a cron job sitting on some forgotten server that checks each night at 3 AM to verify that his membership number is still valid. Otherwise it sends all new missionaries to Provo.

  12. Watch out, Anonymous. Because, Danites.

  13. Kevin Barney says:

    I hope Anonymous follows through, I’d kinda like to figure out no. 10 on the list myself.

  14. Lovin’ Tommy, Hal & Maverick. The plush chairs will never look the same.

    I know this list is true.

  15. “Otherwise it sends all new missionaries to Provo.” Worse, it will mix up the photos of the ‘hot’ sister missionary candidates with the uggos. Our visitor centers will no longer be staffed by multi-cultural stunners. It will be chaos!

  16. LOL she bears, but Maverick FTW!

  17. Hahaha yes! This is brilliant! And to anonymous…go back to 4chan, where you belong ;)

  18. it's a series of tubes says:

    Paying tithing directly to SLC via your online bill pay is the handiest. Plus, it saves paperwork in your local unit. Everybody wins! So show your local clerks and bishopric counselors some love: to pay tithing online, you will need to email the church directly and request that you make donations online – they will send you the complete instructions.

    Send an email to donations AT ldschurch DOTTTT org

    They will need to know your full name, the name of the bank you use, your member number and that you would like to make donations to the Church online.

  19. Bro. Jones says:

    Man, if only. A gigantic file dump of LDS financial holdings would be a mighty band-aid to tear off.

  20. John Mansfield says:

    Every rejected ward boundary proposal for the last twenty years. Also every rejected bishop.

  21. fuddyduddy says:

    Some of those handles are going over my head. N0taM0rm0n? Pickles? Somebody help me out…

  22. One of my all-time favorite lines: “The LDS church has a nasty habit of hiding all the unsavory facts of its history where nobody will ever find it – in the pages of The Ensign.”

    Just imagine if the attendance records of the Provo 172nd Ward Primary “Targeteers” was ever released to the public. The shame, the horror, the repercussions…..

  23. A Happy Hubby says:

    I think I had my leg pulled today. Funny hoax.

  24. fuddyduddy, Pickles refers to the parable of the pickle by Bednar. Not sure about the other one…. I was stumped on a few myself, including the last one? But the first presidency is CLASSIC! Each name fits them to a tee. “I feel the need, the need for…an airplane story!”

  25. buzzkill1945 says:

    Ballard hates it when people call us Mormons.

    President Kimball brought a box of chocolates to the weekly meeting and they chose by seniority.

  26. buzzkill1945 is correct on both counts.

  27. martha my love says:

    Speaking of ward boundaries, where is it specified that you need to belong to the ward defined by geography rather than affinity to the spirit of the ward community that “fits”? I just can’t recall anything doctrinal that supports that.

  28. John Harrison, cron job! I lol’ed.

  29. My virtual ward attendance has gone off the deep end. Maybe anonymous could reveal the true identity of Bishop Higgins. Or at least a hint where the ward is meeting now.

  30. I think my wife dated the Anonymous guy. I remember the mustache…

  31. BTW, at the end of the diatribe Anonymous announces “We are legion”. Isn’t that what the evil spirits inside the man said to Jesus?

  32. larryco_, yep. And the comparison is apt, frankly–no where else in the galaxy will you find such a hive of scum and villainy.

    [technically no longer true, since 4chan exiled the worst offenders, who fled to a site that I dare not name.]

  33. I’m sure John is saying “Well, isn’t this dandy: I’ve got the Legions of Satan watching my back. Who could ask for more?

  34. How in the world did Elder Holland not end up with the handle DroopDogg or Droopdoggydogg?

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