Animals, Ranked

To some–notably John F.–ranking things is not a worthy endeavor. But Steve and I know better, and we know that ranking things is the responsibility of every Latter-day Saint as part of the building of Zion. It is part of our faith. Indeed, you could say that Steve and I follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things should be ranked, we hope all things will be ranked, we have ranked many things, and hope to be able to rank all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek to rank these things. If there are any things that aren’t like those other things, we seek to rank those things also. Today, Animals!


As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. Robot crows
  2. Aquatic mammals
  3. Damned dirty apes
  4. Dragons
  5. People from Provo
  6. Real crows
  7. Stoned bunnies
  8. Basset Hounds
  9. Alf
  10. (tie) Cureloms
  11. Manimal


  1. The lion that Adam checks on but studiously avoids. Or was it tiger?

  2. Walker F says:

    Cumoms never get any love.

  3. *honorable mention* -CGI animals from latest temple movie

  4. jturner says:

    I very much agree with #1, however, this list is not complete without Airwolf.

  5. How did pre-colombian horses not make the list???

  6. As I know these are authoritative I won’t question them. However, I think an honorable mention must go to Michael Jackson

  7. Kevin Barney says:

    No ligers?

  8. dahlian says:

    That DEA agent clearly cribbed his rabbit testimony from the inspired insights of the late Mitchell L. Hedberg (of the seventy) and his warnings of the deleterious effects of alcohol laden carrots on local fauna.

  9. Villate says:

    Oh. My. Gosh. I was just thinking about Manimal yesterday. You guys are magic.

  10. John Mansfield says:

    A lot of Latter-day Saints have been falling short of our duty to authoritatively rank things.far below our privileges, so although the authority to rank things has been distributed widely, the power to do so still has to catch up.

  11. Really? Only two animals from the sciptures (#7 1Ne 17:41 and #2 Ether 9:19).
    Where is Balaam’s ass?

    (#9 might be from scriptures too, if it is an reference to the fish that ate Jonah, since Jesus said that it wasn’t a fish but a whale Matt. 12:40)

    I was also expecting to see Mormom crickets on the list.

  12. How did I make it to 2015 without ever being aware of Manimal? Talk about a gap in my education.

  13. larryco_ says:

    Leviathans and Unicorns (Job)?

  14. eponymous says:

    Where’s the Ram in the Thicket? When I taught Seminary I once asked the youth to take the viewpoint of someone in the Abraham sacrificing Isaac story and provide their perspective. Two young ladies decided to provide the ram’s perspective. It was one of the most unexpected, insightful and downright hilarious moments of my time as a teacher.

  15. I remember watching Manimal with my older sister when I was 6 or so. It’s in the same mental folder as Matthew Starr (with Lou Gosset Jr.!), and The Phoenix. “Long ago, in a remote corner of the world, ancient astronauts from a distant planet landed on earth, with a gift for humankind…”

  16. I like gnus. I think they show up in the hymn, Praise to the Lord, the Almighty: “Ponder a gnu, what the Almighty can do.”

    I am also a fan of Jacob’s cattle and the sticks they watched.

  17. BJohnson says:

    Robot crows at 10? Disappointed that Crow T. Robot didn’t rank higher.

  18. Methinketh thou art verily jumpéd, fairest shark.

  19. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    Where to rank John F’s proverbial shark?

  20. Scott B. says:

    john f.’s shark probably should have been included, tbh.

  21. Scott B. says:

    I admit that I had never heard of Manimal the TV show until Steve brought it up to me yesterday. My life is so, so much richer now.

  22. This did not disappoint. I’m glad dragons and cureloms made it (though dragons clearly should have been #1), but outraged that leviathans didn’t (all scriptural creatures!). Unless leviathans are mammals?

    I update my kids regularly on the dragon I help care for as part of my day job. They and my wife pretend not to believe me.

  23. Larry_co and McLean have it right. Shouldn’t we trust God when he tells Job that Leviathan is the biggest bad*ss ever? I mean, c’mon — out of his nostrils goeth smoke! He esteemeth iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood! Upon earth there is not his like, and he is a king over all the children of pride (which, interpreted, means he would eat Simon MacCorkindale for breakfast).

  24. john f.’s shark, of course, is Left Shark. Y’all jumped Left Shark. Are you happy now?

  25. When I initially read the wikipedia page on “Manimal,” I was flummoxed. I could not believe that I’d never heard of a show that aired on broadcast television when I was 9 which was about a man turning into a crime-fighting animal. That so would have been right up my alley.

    But then the article points out that it was pitted in the same time slot as “Dallas,” and I understood. I had four older sisters absolutely glued to the TV when Dallas came on, and none of them would have let me even attempt to turn the station. Like everyone else at the time, we had one small TV and three stations, so there would have been no chance to watch “Manimal.”

  26. Scott B. says:


    It also only lasted like 2 months, so it’s possible you just didn’t notice it, Dallas notwithstanding.Given the video linked above, in which the show spends a good solid 1.5 minutes just showing the transformation into one animal, it’s not hard to see why this wasn’t a ratings winner.

  27. Alf O'Mega says:

    I know I shouldn’t care, especially in the preseason, but thanks, guys.

  28. @Emjen: Mountain lion.

  29. Chad Too says:

    Wow, I am a Person from Provo and I own the World’s Most Obstinate Basset Hound. His name is Fumbles. I make the list twice!

  30. So where would a Robot Chicken fit in the rankings? Or a robot dog (a.k.a. ‘Dagget’)? Or a giant robot lion that joins with four other robot lions to make a robot human with a giant energy sword? (Or maybe its cousins, the ‘Bright-colored robotic space rhinoceri’?) Or even sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads?

    Perhaps there should be another entire ranking of just robot/cybernetic animals. Just saying.

  31. Seems about right. Well done, gentlemen.

  32. That “Manimal” clip is the entire reason this ranking exists.

  33. Yourmomgoestocollege says:

    jmb275 is right, there is no manimal without Michael Jackson’s werewolf. But surely ROUSs rank higher than People from Provo.

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