Things Eagles Do In Patriotic Art, Ranked

Yesterday was Memorial Day, but just because Steve and I weren’t ranking things on the blog doesn’t mean we weren’t ranking things in our hearts. Indeed, our text messages show that we both bleed red, white, and blue. Mostly just red and white, though, since Steve is a Canadian, and hates freedom. So I am really the only one with blood the color of a mountain sky over Kansas. But I have enough for the both of us.


As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. Sing all three verses of the Star-Spangled Banner
  2. Kill stuff
  3. Rip off hilarious one-liners about France
  4. Scream
  5. Wear fighter pilot helmets
  6. Eat fish
  7. Cry
  8. Flex
  9. Brandish missiles, arrows, etc…
  10. Flare their nostrils
  11. Wear bandanas
  12. Flash their flag tattoos
  13. Defend the Family
  14. Love


  1. What?? Steve is Canadian? Unless his ancestry comes from Bountiful, BC, I can no longer take his testimony seriously.

    I’m sure The Eagle agrees.

  2. Stand up and be counted. No seriously, we were supposed to count all the bald eagles on our family river rafting trip last summer. We beat the record with 21. How’d you like that, all of you other eagle-counting families!?!

  3. land on flagpoles, thus blowing some people’s minds and leading to FB memes reading “of all the places he could have landed”

  4. Where does “Flying Over a Jon McNaughton Painting” rank?

  5. Left Field says:

    Real American Red, White, and Blue Bald Eagles know that the Star-Spangled Banner has FOUR verses.

    No refuge could save
    The hireling and slave
    From the terror of flight
    Or the gloom of the grave

    It gives me chills.

  6. Scott B. says:

    There are more than four verses, Left Field. Do some homework–there are “18 true verses.”

  7. You left off “stab it with their steely knives.”

  8. Note to Ben P: The list is “Things eagles do in patriotic ART.” That should answer your question.

  9. I’m pretty sure they meant patriotic “art”, thus including Jon McNaughton.

  10. Love? Really? Sounds like something a couple of so-called “patriots” would try to sneak into an otherwise praiseworthy list.

  11. Canadian Bald Eagles can’t own restricted fire arms, but they do have universal health care coverage.

  12. Reminds me of one client’s request for cover art that had the an eagle perched at the head of hospital gurney as the Statue of Liberty gives birth to various religious symbols while the faces from Mount Rushmore watched.

  13. the color of a mountain sky over Kansas

    Aside from the brute fact that this description is literally a topographic impossibility, I like the sentiment behind it.

  14. melrose says:

    Wondering where “cries a tear with a reflection of the constitution on fire in it” ranks…

  15. pretty much near the top

  16. Jason K. says:

    You missed “defecate on the disloyal opposition.”

  17. Chad Too says:

    I think your picture is mid coded, I keep mouse-hovering over it but nothing happens.

  18. Chad Too says:

    “Miscoded”. Darn auto correct.

  19. The Other Brother Jones says:

    A note about Canadian Mormons (from a Canadian Mormon) All Canadian Mormons can trace their ancestry back to Utah in about 4 generations. So does that make us unarmed, freedom loving Ameradians, with free but slow healthcare?

  20. Not to quibble, but how do eagles, with that big solid beak designed for tearing flesh, flare their nostrils?

  21. With the way the liberals have hijacked our country, I expect to see paintings of two male bald eagles with rainbow-dyed head feathers having gay relations on an American flag while an entire generation of eagle scouts is forced to watch.

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