I’m sure you knew that LDS.org is the place to look for images of temples, missionary work, and people with hands on their heads. But did you also know that in the depths of the media library, there is a picture of a bearded man wearing suspenders strumming a guitar with a harmonica attachment? Or a picture of a young couple assembling empanadas? There’s a photo for nearly every occasion! Here is just a small sampling of the many hundreds of pictures you could, with a little creativity, incorporate into your next Sunday School lesson:
“My favorite part was when he hands the gun over to her and she uses his shoulder as a rifle stand.”
“YAASSS”
“I learned how to make these homemade Hot Pockets on my mission to Arrrrhentina.”
*Please don’t slam the door in my face please don’t slam the door in my — SON OF A BISHOP!*
“This is a ball.”
“Sweetie, pay attention, this is very important. I asked, ‘What do a chewed up piece of gum, a cupcake with all the frosting licked off, and your friend Braelynn have in common?’”
“No helmet and no stirrups! See, I TOLD you my parents care nothing about my personal safety!”
“Breaking that mission rule wasn’t my proudest moment, kids. But it was up there!!”
“Girl, you make me have to hum my favorite hymn.”
“Well, Mr. Biederman, to put it simply: I woke up this morning and thought, ‘How can I make things even more awkward between us?’”
“So I said ‘rectum?? Damn near KILLED ‘um!’”
♫“Well I come from Beaver, Utah with my banjo on my knee, I’m goin’ to Cedar City, my true love for to see.”♫
“I honor my Indian roots with my clothing, and I honor my Utah roots with my hairstyle.”
“… and Jesus was like, ‘It was then that I carried you.’ Okay, time for the activity portion of FHE!”
“Wut.”
“Please just do it.”
“K.”
“Sure, men have the priesthood, but women have something equally special.”
“Motherhood?”
“What? No. Fatherhood is the equivalent to motherhood. I’m talking about the healing power of essential oils! I’d love for you to learn more by attending a business opportunity meeting at my home on Thursday evening.”
“I’m ready to defend The Family, now!”
And this wouldn’t be much of a photo caption post without a photo caption contest. I saved the one with the greatest potential for you guys. Your mission, should you choose to accept it — CAPTION THIS PHOTO:
By Common Consent, a Mormon Blog 
“The 1890 Manifesto was really more of a wink-wink manifesto.”
Bearded man in suspenders playing the banjo made a whole different picture here in The England…👌
Don’t worry honey, my extra spirit wives will be homely and love to clean our celestial mansions”
Don’t worry dear. Nobody noticed the speck of dust on the windowsill. I promise.
Dear, you’ve told me a hundred times how Brother Jones understands his wife’s need for personal space. I just don’t understand why you keep bringing it up!
Best post of the month. Perhaps the best post of 2015 to date.
“remember the bishop told us if you would accept my advances more i wouldn’t have to look at porn so much”
“come back to me….or are you in your Prozac fog again…hello?”
“i’m sorry if the sexy lingerie i bought you made you feel uncomfortable but the good news is I bought it from Deseret Industries.”
“now that we kicked our gay son out of the house he will really know how much love we have for him, i promise”
“Do you think we have time to go to the Defense of Marriage fireside tonight before our swingers party?”
“So what if our daughter married a black guy….at least he’s articulate”
“i’ve done the math and i think if we start paying our tithing on surplus we can afford that new augmentation you want”
Reminds me of finding in the middle of a Stan Ridgway music video a few seconds swiped from Man’s Search for Happiness, used to rather different effect without the Richard L. Evans narration. (Details available by request.)
Yes, honey, I’ll get my left hand back in the resurrection, and *then* we can go to second base.
“Sweetie, I know Hunter is only twelve, but he does have the priesthood so if he says dinner tastes like a gym sock gave birth to a dumpster, you should accept his counsel.”
I asked the bishop, he said it’s okay if we do it* without our garments on next time.
*play basketball
Sweetheart, the baby is almost six months old. I think it’s time we got busy again with the multiplying and replenishing.
“You DO hold the priesthood…..just put your loving arms around me!”
“You choose, McNaughton or Liz Lemon Swindle?”
Ha! “the healing power of essential oils” near killed me.
Caption: “No, dear, I don’t think Sister Johnson was being sarcastic when she complimented your haircut.”
I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but I just can’t stop thinking about how I wish the surfaces in our house were SHINIER!
Would you consider at least sitting down with a decorator?
“Sweetie, did you forget your anti-pensive herbal supplement again?”
“It’s not like I have full blown AIDS…it’s just HIV!”
No, no, honey. Please tell me more, in detail, about the porn you’ve been watching.
I said over-sized clocks. CLOCKS!
Caption: Honey, the Joneses have to keep up with *us* now. Don’t you understand, we’ve won!
“No! I meant I want us to have a bigger rack for that wall behind us!”
I tried the best I could to get the scout smell out. We can always get a new van.
“There is a beauty to Sister Bednar that is not physical. Although she no longer has her looks.. her spirit shines through.”
Do you think if I stared at these flowers long enough they might burst into flames?
“Look, I’ll stop wearing pastel dress shirts, if you stop putting ridiculously small flower pots on my shiny new granite countertops.”
“Yes honey, I know I’m not sexy and exciting like Christian Grey. But I’ve got a great job at the hardware store.”
(Singing) “you’re not aloooooooooooooooooone”
“I know you’re mad that I moved our family into this model home and pretended that I bought it. I just really, really, didn’t want to redecorate. And I thought for sure that the plumbing would work.”
“I know you think divorce is an extreme option. But that dress is blue and black.”
I am figuratively rolling on the floor laughing. You guys are hilarious.
It’s okay, honey, I signed the article “Name Withheld”
Honey – I swear that just because I read BCC I am not an apostate!
“This is the most realistic ventriloquist dummy you have ever seen…”
“Is that a second earring!!”
Ghost David struggled to make Nancy understand he would never leave her…
Ah, Jessie. You never fail me.
“Wednesdays we wear yellow.”
“Honey, mortgaging the house for supplies will make more sense once the prophet calls us out into the desert.”
“If we sell the twins into slavery, we should be able to avoid foreclosure. Hopefully the other kids won’t notice the extra space in our 16 passenger van…”
Dammit! Rafael still didn’t get my color as red as yours. Maybe I need more highlights.
Just once? With garments off? Please?
Honey, can I please get a vasectomy? I think John, Michael, Rebecca and Sarah are enough
“Out of all God’s beautiful daughters, I’m glad you’re the one I get to preside over.”
“But Eve, the I-15 billboard ad for granite countertops said ‘happy wife, happy life’; is it the colour?”
“It’s fine, Adam”.
Steve Evans. Genius
“Honey, it’s ok, we’ll think of a NEW etsy name for your lurid hair-bow shop, one that isn’t taken”
1) “Okay, so I generally like this new design for the Girl’s Camp Swimming Overshirts. The neck line is high and tight. The pleating is a nice touch. But aren’t you worried that the sleeves are revealing a little too much wrist?”
2) “You’re overstressing this, Caitlyn. I’m sure the Relief Society will be totally cool with you joining them as your true self. And think about how much insight you can offer on the priesthood!”
“Look, honey, I’m just bringing her in as a housekeeper so she can save a little money while she finishes high school. What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen? You might find you enjoy her company.”
“Ghost David” wins. There is something so eerily disconnected about them and him being a ghost is the only reasonable explanation.
Honey, no matter how many wives Heavenly Father gives me in the Celestial Kingdom, you’ll always be number one!
Best laugh of the year. Tears rolling down my cheeks.
Of course I’m sure, sweetheart. Oral is totally allowed!
Baby, I swear, the whole elders’ quorum thought you were right about the centerpieces.
“What? All I said was it looks like a big toilet paper dispenser.”
What flavor Jello should I serve when we host the nextUtah Peoples Party meeting? The rainbow Jello salad flopped last time, and I can’t figure out why.
Honey, this is an important decision. I think we should pray about which quote the Lord wants in vinyl on the kitchen wall.
Don’t you worry, Joseph didn’t have a sexual relationship with that 14 year old girl. They only soaked. It’s totally different.
“Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same…..”
Do you think we need more beige in our lives?
Honey, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
“If course you’re not being unreasonable. It’s way too big if a risk sending Haiylee to nursery if they refuse to use non GMO organic snacks.”
It was just a joke, honey. Gingers aren’t all going to hell.
“This probably isn’t the best time to bring this up, but technically, you’re supposed to be the nurturing one.”
“Now honey, don’t be mad. I was only looking at Sister Jones with my *spiritual* eyes.”
The girl in photo #2 is from my hometown! And you’re brilliant, as always, Jessie.
“Please honey pretty please? I’ve always wanted to try it. Just the tip?”
I know you’re tired dear, but that sandwich won’t make itself.
These wax figures get more realistic every time.
Our marriage is like the shelf on our wall……empty.
The essential oils caption wins, hands down. The last one looks so mansplain-y to me, so here are some possibilities:
“Honey, I think it’s time we get a shared Facebook account.”
“Honey, you ARE a mother who knows, but *I* have priesthood authority over this family.”
“Honey, please stop saying you feel unfulfilled and unappreciated. You are a special spirit, just like all women. I really appreciate all the cleaning, cooking, and nurturing that you do, and you’re so good at it, so if you’re feeling that way, then you’re just forgetting your divine role. I can show you some conference talks of male general authorities talking about how valued you actually are.”
“Honey, I know that Kate Kelly was your friend, but she’s clearly gone off the deep end and she thinks she’s happy, but I can tell she isn’t really, so we really have to cut off all ties to her.”
“Honey, I’m sure that the bishop just didn’t realize that you didn’t change your last name. And it’s not his fault that the ward directory dropped your last name.”
“Honey, if Brother Creeperson touched you there when he saw you near the Celestial Room, then you must have done something to lead him on. What were you wearing?”
Just thought of another:
“Honey, I KNOW that Jesus said to love one another, but I don’t think that means we should attend our own child’s gay wedding. That’s the appearance of supporting evil!”
But I skipped lunch and saved up to buy you that ironing machine so you would feel valued honey.
“Don’t worry honey, God will help us find your car keys in our immaculate, 5000 sqft McMansion because I know he answers our most heartfelt, urgent prayers.”
“I know Mahana got eight cows, Honey, but it came down to cows or counters.”
Man: Okay, turn you head on more of a slant. Now, make a fist. Slowly ease it up underneath your chin… This is looking really good.
Home teacher, off screen: You can say that again.
Man: Kay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you’re weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.
Why do you need me to set up extra chairs for your book club tonight…I thought it was called Mormon Women Stand? And no, I haven’t seen your copy of Fascinating Womanhood anywhere.
“Hon, it shouldn’t matter where we sit in sacrament meeting, everyone knows the mother’s lounge is the best seat in the house anyways.”
Holy crap! I work with the guy in the wedding shot! Do I tell him?
“Honey, if Brother Creeperson touched you there when he saw you near the Celestial Room, then you must have done something to lead him on. What were you wearing?”
Michelle, this is brilliantly awful!
“Of course 8 year old girls need to be at the same meeting for adult women. It totally won’t turn into another hour of church where you have to take care of kids. But you good, righteous ladies are all the same, anyway and like that sort of thing. So you know, no big deal.”
Caption for the last one: “oh honey, you are the envy of every wife in the Stepford ward.“
“So I was thinking honey…a sister wife could really help lighten your load around here…”
Photographer – “Give me your best hearkening face.”
“Gawdammit, Jill, so what if I wore a green shirt to Church and took my tie off when we got home? You know what? Just to show you how few sh*ts I give about all that, I’m gonna go watch football and then Game of Thrones.”
*Leans in close and whispers: “I know this is your fantasy and I hope I didn’t go to far taking the Lord’s name in vain.”
“I’m sure the Sunday School second counselor thing is only temporary. I’ll be back on the leadership track soon!”
“I’m sorry for pressuring you, ShayLynn. I really am…But…but wasn’t putting on our old missionary name tags last night kinda fun?”
*”Honey, believe me, the charges are bull-crap. I didn’t commit affinity fraud with the ward members or with your family. You know the multi-level marketing company is good for the money, right?”
*”Honey, the bishop asked my permission in giving you another calling in sunbeams and nursery again. I know you told me you were burned out, but you know how important it is to me to be a bishop, so we’ve got to be team players a little while longer, ok? I promise you won’t have to do it again once I’m there.”
*”Honey, why do you need to go back to school for your bachelor’s degree? I think you are the smartest girl I know!”
*No honey, we just can’t afford the ski boat this year. No, I’m not a bad provider just because your sister has one.”
“Honey, you can’t keep spending money like this. We already have three mortgages.”
Wow. That’s a lot of white people for a worldwide church.
Sidenote…take a look at the People category, the first two photos. The man and woman appear in the same setting, but the keywords for the woman label her as a secretary. Figures. I know it’s nit-picky, but grrrrrrr.
Apologies in advance for side-tracking, but the OP led me to inspect the church’s media library. I was particularly intrigued by the sections for “Motherhood” and “Fatherhood.”
In light of the PotF, one might think there would be a divergence in the types of activities depicted in church media for fathers and mothers. To the contrary, the pictures for both sections uniformly show nurturing: reading with children, cooking with children, outdoor hikes with children, fixing bikes with children, etc. The “Fatherhood” section does not depict anything about providing, presiding, or protecting – or at least doesn’t in way that would not also be seen in the “Motherhood” section.
In short, judging from the church photos, fathers and mothers have essentially the same role, and that role is to nurture.
Honey, really I’m sorry. We can watch something else, I didn’t remember all those steamy kissing scenes.
“If I told you I look just like Joseph Smith, would you come to bed with me?”
Dave K.- Insightful point! Few people have articulated what the role of a father is outside of “provider” and “priesthood holder”. Perhaps looking at these pictures and just observing righteous fathers in action, you can describe the properties— the attributes— the role of a father. Excellent observation!
“I know honey, I miss the Niblets too.”
“Don’t worry dear–just because Mari, Jenn, and Septimus aren’t real doesn’t mean your feelings for them aren’t.”
Did you use up all the lice shampoo on the kids?
Okay, okay…so I said that you’re hotter than the chick on the cover of Vanity Fair. How the hell was I supposed to know she was a dude? You are sooo much hotter than he is!
ProvoCenterStreet FTW
Honey, the bishop rejected the songs I picked for Standards Night, and mumbled something about being a guardian of virtue…
Opening Song: The Iron Rod.
Closing Song: Come, Come Ye Saints.
Cottage cheese schrmottage cheese…fake boobies schmrake boobies…tummy tuck schmrummy tuck…you are smart enough, you are good enough, and doggonit… people like you…
Dave K: a case of “do as I say, not as I do?” or else a picture is worth a thousand words.