Opening Prayers, Ranked

Hi guys! It’s been awhile since we last ranked something. I’m starting to feel the itch.

Before we get underway, do we have any volunteers to say opening prayer?

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. Pinewood Derby
  2. Priesthood opening exercises in the gym, standing around the 3-point line
  3. Companionship Inventory as a missionary
  4. Ward Pancake Breakfast
  5. Before you get excommunicated
  6. Bungee jump
  7. Home teaching the less-active family you haven’t seen in 14 months
  8. During a job interview
  9. Pre-coitus
  10. Before Defending the Family
  11. Saturday Night Adult Session of Stake Conference


  1. Mark Brown says:

    Somewhere in there we need to find room for the prayer before a church basketball game, when grown men ask The Almighty to give them good sportsmanship. Ninety seconds later they’re throwing elbows in each other’s faces.

  2. Scott B. says:

    I’m actually surprised we didn’t think of that one. Unfortunately, the rankings are authoritative and have already been etched in stone in heaven.

  3. Mark, I think that’s what we were getting at with “coitus”.

  4. Anyone who doesn’t say a prayer pre-coitus to ask for the bounties of heaven to be poured out upon them, for their loins to be strengthened and for theor efforts to be blessed is not doing it properly. Its for making babies, dangnamit, why would you do it otherwise! :P

  5. No mention of classes at BYU? Honestly. I remember on one occasion a student pleading, “Lord, Please, PLEASE help us to be able to understand this material.” Ah, good old Accounting 310.

  6. larryco_ says:

    “Mark, I think that’s what we were getting at with “coitus”.”

    Yeah, I hate it when I get an elbow thrown to my face 90 seconds after the pre-coitus prayer.

  7. #3 suggests that these rankings were decided by an all male panel.

  8. Bonjo, depends on what’s being said in the prayer.

  9. “Adult session” is one of those things that sounds way better than it is.

  10. You’re just not going to the right wards, gst.

  11. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    Heck, I’m still baffled by “participating” in the opening prayer for each session of General Conference when you’re not actually there. There’s something weird about closing my eyes and saying ‘amen’ to something that is happening 2000 miles away. Even more odd is that this happens even when people watch a previously recorded session.

  12. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    …of course, I would vote for listening to a pre-recorded prayer at the beginning of Sacrament Mtg. It would solve the eternal problem of the assigned prayer-giver never showing up on time.

    If video prayers are acceptable, we should allow people to FaceTime in their prayer while they’re pulling into the parking lot.

  13. John Mansfield says:

    Last year, or maybe it was the year before, reporters from the Washington Post came to my ward’s sacrament meeting to record the opening prayer. This was pre-arranged, and so not quite authentic in two ways. The week before we were asked by the bishop to arrive a few minutes earlier than usual, and the prayer was spoken by the stake Relief Society president, who is not a member of my ward.

  14. Sounds like a top-notch experience!

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