Minor Star Wars Characters, Ranked

It’s all Star Wars these days, guys!

Aunt Beru

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. All those Bothans who died
  2. Jawas
  3. The Sarlacc (OTV)
  4. (tie)The Rancor
  5. The Ewok that R2D2 shocks in the butt
  6. Banthas
  7. Admiral Ackbar
  8. Greedo
  9. Lando Calrissian’s little buddy in the Millennium Falcon cockpit
  10. Luke’s mega-hot aunt on Tatooine
  11. The droid who squeels “NooonoonoonooonoNOOOOOO!!!” right before his feet get burned in Jabba’s palace, suggesting robots have feelings
  12. The droid who burns the feet of other droids
  13. The thing in the swamp that tries to eat R2D2
  14. Salacious Crumb
  15. Jabba’s weird little monkey that lays on his fat rolls
  16. (That’s what I just said)
  17. (Oh.)
  18. Lobot, the Cloud City Area Authority
  19. The cool Imperial Guards in the red robes & helmets who do absolutely nothing
  20. The medical droid who just sat there, looking on, while an incestuous kiss took place on Hoth
  21. The garbage compactor monster on the Death Star, which I strongly suspect is a real thing
  22. The dead animal Chewie tries to eat
  23. “I don’t like you either!”
  24. The tauntaun who sacrificed himself Defending the Family
  25. Leia’s mother, who was very kind, but sad

Comments

  1. PS what prequels??

  2. andrewheiss says:
  3. Scott B. says:

    I don’t know what a “prequel” is, but it sounds skeezy and I’m sure as heck going to delete any comments referencing characters from them.

  4. The silver protocol droid on Cloud City who says ” E chu ta” to 3PO.

    “How rude!”

  5. Ah, we also left off Gamorrean Guards (who obvs have STDs, look at their name) and Bib Fortuna. C’est la vie.

  6. Scott B. says:

    The purpose of the list was to rank only those who deserve to be ranked. No one was “left off.” They were _excluded_. Because of worthiness issues.

  7. Scott B. says:

    “Lobot, the Cloud City Area Authority (Seventy)”

  8. What! No Amy Schumer?

  9. Craig M. says:

    Dengar. Without him, I may accept the rankings as authoritative, but certainly not definitive.

  10. Nerfherder says:

    Ackbar at #19 is offensive. someone didn’t eat their Ackbar-O’s this morning.

  11. Nerfherder says:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qc6zfoxlJU – this has to be posted, right?

  12. “The droid who burns the feet of other droids” – This made me laugh out loud in my office chair. this is a great list.

    The Bonthan Spies actually get a big role in the video games.. Battlefront 2 maybe?

  13. How about R5-D4? (who was probably sabotaged by R2-D2, the sneaky little droid.)

    Or Admiral Piett, the only Imperial officer in ESB who screws up and DOESN’T get killed by Vader (mostly because Vader had had a long day and just wasn’t in the mood to execute underlings.)

  14. The band.

  15. Wicket the Ewok was directly responsible for saving the Galaxy. I think this ranking is disrespectful to him

  16. Gonk droid.

  17. Wicket was a war criminal.

  18. So was George Washington. Heroes are heroes.

  19. Pretty sure Lobot was the Comptroller, dude.

  20. The victors write the history, but of course Ewoks are illiterate morons so whatever.

  21. One day, the Ewoks will have their own Wallace Stegner to write a beautiful story of their courage and suffering.

  22. Scott B. says:

    SGNM, that story was already written, it was was called “Ewoks: The Battle For Endor,” it starred Wilford Brimley, and it sucked.

  23. E:TBFE is analogous to Saturday’s Warrior.

  24. Scott B. says:

    E:TBFE is not, I am sorry to tell you, analogous to the true and everlasting gospel, as purely depicted in Saturday’s Warrior.

  25. eponymous says:

    How could you leave out Ponda Boba who gave Obi Wan his Amulek moment?

    And where is Wedge Antilles – the only non Force using pilot to survive both death stars?

  26. Karen H. says:

    No one from rogue squadron? No one? Jeez, you guys suck.

    Also, Admiral Ackbar at 19 is a travesty.

  27. eponymous says:

    Ugh, that was supposed to be Ammon not Amulek. Sheesh.

  28. I felt the spirit when you said Amulek, so what you wrote the first time must be true.

  29. BJohnson says:

    Good thing we’ve never heard of these things called “prequels.” Otherwise, we’d be confronted by someone called Shmee and by another fellow with the stately moniker of “Kit Fisto.”

  30. Aren’t #s 11 and 12 the same (Oh, I guess that’s what #s 9 and 10 are saying)?
    Isn’t #17 Nien Nunb?
    These have been mentioned, but I’m upset that you didn’t get the Gonk Droid on there and Admiral Ackbar really needs to be further up on the list. And what about Wedge Antilles? Or are you considering him to be a major character?
    Where are the real Star Wars nerds??? lol

  31. What about Dak? He felt like he could take on the whole empire, but died 3 minutes later. There’s a metaphor there about…something.

  32. Aaron Brown says:

    Bitch, please.

    Boskk, IG-88, Oola, the Rancor’s handler who cries when it dies, Sy Snootles, I could go on and on.

    IG-88 deserves the #1 slot purely by virtue of the fact that he’s the Star Wars figurine with the Bad Buttest gun.

  33. Does Wedge have a pierced ear or something?

    Also, shouldn’t the Sarlacc and the Rancor be tied at #22? Do they have pierced ears moving them down a spot?

  34. Aaron, sorry but this ranking is authoritative. Carry on.

  35. I will confess that Porkins is a noticeable absence.

  36. Weequay Skiff Guard.

  37. lauraisangry says:

    I know these rankings are authoritative, but can we get a shout out to the Jabba the Hutt dancer with six breasts? She still stayed as modest as possible (for a Jabba slave dancer) by wearing 3 bikini tops. #truetothefaith

  38. I believe she had tattoos, so no way.

  39. I don’t like you either.

  40. larryco_ says:

    What about Adama and the Council of the Twelve on Kobol? Oh, wait…wrong show.

  41. Your Mom goes to college says:

    No love for Grizz Frix? For shame!!!

  42. Rook House says:

    Where is Mon Monthma? (episode VI, obviously not III) C’mon! “Many Bothans died to bring us this information…” [Most meaningful pause ever] Admiral Ackbar, please.”

  43. Rook House says:

    Ugh. MOTHMA. Mon Mothma.

  44. Jared T. says:

    Dude, no love for Yak Face or the Ugnaughts? General Veers? The AT-ST driver that gets thrown off the AT-ST by Chewbacca? The Storm Trooper that hits his head on the door? The storm trooper that wrestles with an Ewok? Sim Aloo? Janus Greejaytus?

  45. Jared T. says:

    The Imperial officer that Han knocks down the shield generator shaft by throwing a bundled charge at him? The imperial officer that calls Han “You Rebel Scum!”

    Max Rebo. Raymus Antilles, Chief Chirpa, Garindan, Admiral Ozzel, Biggs Darklighter, Faithless Admiral Motti, Gullible Stormtrooper [these ARE the droids], Star Destroyer Officer who let the escape pod go.

  46. Rigel Hawthorne says:

    Jedi Master Plo Koon–after watching his character development in the Clone Wars, it was actually (this is nerdy I know) highly emotionally impacting when seeing him destroyed as a consequence of General Order 66.

  47. Unfortunately, Rigel, Plo Koon does not exist, as the prequels do not exist.