Personal Progress for Hamsters

We are beloved spirit hamsters of God.

The following are a few excerpts from the Personal Progress manual for Hamsters:

Faith. With a pup-bearer, grand-pup-bearer or female horde leader, discuss the qualities a hamster needs in order to teach whichever pups survive her maternal feeding frenzy to have faith and to base their decisions on gospel truths. How can these principles help you in your life today and help you prepare to be a faithful pet?

Divine Nature. As a female hamster pup you are blessed with divine hamster qualities. Increase your understanding of and appreciation for female hamsterhood. Read scriptures and two talks on female hamsterhood from a conference issue of the Church magazines, copies of which can be found among the shavings at the bottom of your cage. Review what “The Horde: A Proclamation to the Rodent World” says about being a female hamster. Then ask your own pup-bearer or another female hamster you admire what she thinks are important attributes for being a pup-bearer, aside from devouring the runt or any deformed pups of the litter post-delivery.

Oh, what do you do in the summertime?

Rodent Worth. You are preparing now to fulfill a unique mission on the earth. Read Doctrine and Covenants 88:119. In your journal make a list of your hopes and dreams for your future cage, mating and pup-rearing, and education and some important things you would like to accomplish in your 2-3 year lifespan, including becoming a mate and pup-bearer.

Knowledge. Learn about the importance of gaining knowledge by reading Proverbs 1:5; 4:7; 2 Nephi 28:30; and Doctrine and Covenants 88:78–80, 118; 90:15; 130:18–19; 131:6. Think about why you need to gain knowledge and understanding about how to apply gospel principles to your present and future cage and horde life.

Learn a new skill or talent that will help you care for your own future mate and pups (the ones you don’t fight to the death or devour) or cage (for example, peeing in the corner, running on the treadmill, hiding in plastic tubes, and sleeping).


At Hamster Camp you learn skills in running in a circle, hiding in tubes, shredding with your front teeth, and fighting to the death. Review these teachings in your Hamster Camp Manual and note in your journal how you could apply them in your cage life to keep your horde safe.

Good Works. Read Doctrine and Covenants 58:26–28. Think of ways a young female hamster, as well as a mate and pup-bearer, could apply this scripture in her horde.

Integrity. Look up the word integrity in a dictionary. Interview your own pup-bearer, grand-pup-bearer, or another female hamster you respect about her understanding and application of the word.


  1. That last picture…

  2. After reading Doctrine and Covenants 58:26–28, I learned that hamsters and sloths are natural enemies.

  3. As far as I’m concerned, this wins the internet this week.

  4. Jonathan says:


    My friends and I used to make up stuff like this in junior high. Hours of laffs.

    Inexplicably, the none of the young women in my ward ever took a shine to me. Odd.

  5. I can’t believe someone actually thought it was a good idea to have young women (I mean hamsters) consider their own hopes and dreams and desired accomplishments, but then tell them exactly what is supposed to be on that list. Amazing.

  6. Hamsteral Progress.

  7. Cynthia,

    I can’t believe that you can’t believe that a committee of someone’s thought that was a good idea :)

    I think someone should do Personal Progress for Tarantulas next.

    “How does our divine understanding of female and male tarantulas’ roles help explain the blessed equality between mother and father? How would you explain this to a friend that was worried that devouring fathers is a sign of sexism?”

  8. Kelsey D. says:

    I HATED personal progress and pretty much BSd my way through it

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