Stones, Ranked

What with all the talk of Seer Stones and Peep Stones and whatnot going around these days, Steve and I figured we had better set the record straight as to the proper ranking of stones.

John Stones, Everton Hero

John Stones, Everton Hero

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. Sun
  2. Moon
  3. Bob Dylan, Everybody Must Get
  4. Rolling (band)
  5. Steve Austin, Cold
  6. Rolling (still rough)
  7. Gall
  8. Creamery, Cold
  9. Shankara
  10. The glowy ones in Temple of Doom
  11. (That’s what I just said.)
  12. (Oh.)
  13. Dwayne Johnson
  14. Rolling (smooth)
  15. The one with the Sword in it
  16. That one stone that hit Goliath in the face
  17. John
  18. Kidney
  19. The stone that Defended the Family
  20. Philosopher’s/Sorcerer’s


  1. No Arkenstone? Weak.

  2. Kidney over gall? Forgive me for venting my spleen, but it seems you have no heart.

  3. Your criticism makes my pancreas hurt, Ziff.

  4. Agreed, this list is total blarney.

  5. No love for Emma, huh? This is a very patriarchal list.

  6. Blarney
    Romancing The
    Wall Jackson

    I mean come on, man. You’re leaving a lot of stones unturned here.

  7. Not to mention Soul Picnic.

  8. Aaron Brown says:

    This is NOT doctrine.

  9. Coughing

  10. John Mansfield says:

    Is number 4 John Stone Stone, early American electrical engineer? Or is it Elijah Snow’s super-spy pal, the Nick Fury stand-in?

  11. Ahem.

  12. Wait, where’s Captain Sully? There are no greater ones out there.

  13. I would put the stone that broke my windshield yesterday at #7.

  14. Wall Jackson is pretty good.

  15. Wall Riots

  16. Matt, as in the Stone half of Trey Parker and Matt. Also, Joss.

  17. Third from the sun

  18. Seriously, did you even consult

    The stone cut out of the mountain without hands
    Cephas (Peter)
    The stone that bad parents give their kids for dinner (also serpents)
    The stone you can cast at an adultress if you’re sinless
    16 stones (Brother of Jared)
    16 stones (the movie from last year)

  19. Dave, c’mon man, get your stones from the best books.

  20. Cutters

  21. lastlemming says:

    (and since we’re being patriarchal) O. Leslie

  22. lastlemming says:

    How could I forget–
    Coyotes (singers of my personal theme song, Party Down the Hall)

  23. First, throwing The Rolling Stones collectively on there as #17 is unmitigated nonsense, as any fan knows that they are all individually The Stones, and need to be ranked accordingly (just to save you the trouble: Ron Wood, Keith Richards, Mick Jagger, Charlie Watts, in that order). Second, I’ll give you props for Sly and the Family Stone, but I take them immediately away again for failing to recognizing The Temptation’s Papa.

  24. Chelsea’s John Stones!

  25. Matt Stone says:

    What about me? My name is really Matt Stone, but I’m not famous (or rich, unfortunately).

  26. +1 on Stone Gossard. Also, this list is another reason why the BCC is the DB, now and forever, amen.

  27. tbennion says:

    Finally a topic on BCC touching upon eternal importance: the Rolling Stones.

    Mick Taylor (Let it Bleed, Sticky Fingers, Get Your Ya-Yas Out, Exile on Main Street, It’s Only Rock and Roll) needs inclusion – once a Stone, always a Stone. And what’s with #17? Can there be any other explanation to Keith Richards walking the earth today other than (repeated) divine intervention? Face it, the man has some very powerful fans.

  28. Scott B. says:

    Hilarious, Casey. Why don’t you go win another pre-season trophy or two?

  29. Few stones have settled more arguments than Paper, Scissors, Stone (despite the notoriety of that imitation game, Rock, Paper, Scissors). It kinda deserves a Nobel Peace Prize as well as a ranking by your honorable selves.

  30. ‘s throw.

  31. Temple Pilots

  32. Cold Steve Austin

  33. Did you even read the list??

  34. Seeing Stones (palantir)

  35. The Other Brother Jones says:

    On a more practical vein, Sharpening Stones

  36. The Other Brother Jones says:

    …and those blue ones swinging from a Redneck trailer hitch in Idaho

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