I Have A Question: Book of Mormon Names

As a new semi-regular feature at BCC, we’ll answer questions from our readers. Have a question you want us to answer? Send us an email!

What’s the best Book of Mormon name to give a kid? I think if you are going to do a BOM name you’ve got to stick with Nephi. That makes it easier for everyone to hate you.

Scott B: As a general rule, you should not name your children something that will embarrass them if a) they live around other Mormons (e.g., Lemuel), b) they don’t live around other Mormons (e.g., Mormon), c) is difficult to pronounce (e.g., Amlici), or d) they will hate if they end up leaving the church. Assuming that people like John the Revelator and Isaiah don’t count, this leaves the following acceptable names from the Book of Mormon: Jacob, Sam, Enos (barely), Jarom, Sariah, and Shiz. That’s it. Everything else is off-limits unless you’re fitting them with ankle-bracelets that will confine them Pleasant Grove for the rest of their lives.

Is it a party foul to take the gluten-free sacrament bread option when you have no such dietary restrictions? What if I’m really in the mood for rice cake one day?

Scott B: I’ll answer your question with another question: Is it a party foul to use the wheelchair-access stall in a restroom when you don’t have a wheelchair?

(Seriously–I need an answer to this question.)

What’s the grossest part of the Book of Mormon? The one-stroke scalping of Zerahemnah by Captain Moroni? Shiz, beheaded, struggling for breath? Also, what is the grossest book of scripture, taken as a whole? Gotta be the Old Testament, right?

Steve: Old Testament wins for grossest book of Scripture, hands down. Between the genocides, rapes, incest and infant sacrifice it’s just hard to beat. That said, the Book of Mormon is a strong second place. Post-decapitation Shiz wins, though the beheading of Laban is a good contender. Also, the stripling warriors: last time I checked, the military use of children wasn’t something to be lauded. Helaman was a war criminal.

Gross.

Gross.

Is it necessary to cover up while nursing in the mother’s room?

Steve: Is it ever necessary to cover up while nursing? We’re talking about covering your top, right? I’ve never nursed but I presume you keep your pants on for that part. If you’re in the mother’s room, though, I bet you could just take off all your clothes and you’d be fine. That’s how we roll in the father’s room.

Giving talks from ipads: acceptable or annoying?

Scott B: Giving a talk from an iPad is the ultimate form of mailing it in, and calls into question the Integrity of the Game. How do we know that you’re not just reading a blog post from Times & Seasons? Correlation is meant to keep that garbage out! As in all areas of life, we need to be wary of the always-effective Slippery Slope argument. If people are allowed to give talks from iPads, it won’t be long before people stop writing talks altogether and simply stand up at the podium, whip out their phones, search for something on LDS.org while relating a HILARIOUS story about what they said when the bishopric called and asked them to speak, and start reading the results to us. It’s just a hop, skip, and a jump from that to a life of promiscuity, drugs, and upper-calf-length skirts on the BYU-Idaho campus. Is it possible that the only difference between reading a talk on an iPad and what happens now is hitting the Print button at home? Yes. But I demand that people at least pretend to have written a talk. But for Sunday school–sure, why not?

I was at a friend’s house for dinner. My friend is a non-member. For dessert, my friend served this dessert I’d never heard of but it looked great. I take a big spoonful and immediately after I put it in my mouth I realize that this dessert is FULL of alcohol. I smoosh it in my cheeks and ultimately swallow it down while attempting to pray away the alcohol. But then I was stuck with the rest of the dessert. What should I have done? I’ll tell you what I did: I ate the whole thing.

Food Items Which Might Break The Word of Wisdom Depending on How Conservative You Are About It, Ranked

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. Rum-raisin ice cream
  2. Flambé desserts
  3. Saturday Evening Adult Session of Stake Conference
  4. Vanilla extract
  5. Tiramisu
  6. Jack Daniel’s BBQ sauce
  7. Jell-O shots
  8. Expired Sunny Delight
  9. Hot chocolate
  10. Steak (in summer)
  11. Defending the Family
  12. Jamocha shake

Comments

  1. I find that when I give a talk using an iPad, the power and spirit of Steve Jobs are manifest in my countenance as the blue glow shines up from the pulpit.

  2. I think the name should also not rhyme with private body parts which give fodder to taunting school yard bullies and members of your scout troop. This eliminates Enos from consideration.

  3. KLC, so you’re saying I can’t name my daughter after the Sister of Jared, aka Dolores?

  4. Someone wrote a graduate thesis in 2012 on Mormon naming practices:

    http://www.ldsliving.com/Does-giving-your-children-Mormon-names-affect-their-future-/s/68224

    Book of Mormon names are totally on the list.

  5. onecrazymama says:

    Um, lots of times we say “shiz” instead of the other thing we shouldn’t say in front of the children. And Enos is totally out.

  6. You may think your kid is a little shiz, but it is definitely not okay to call him one.

  7. How about pet names? Any concern if I name my cat Mahonri Meoweeancomur?

  8. Shiz is ok, maybe, unless it is Jaredite for Geez. That said, I think the name gets far too much air time here.

  9. Dudes, I totally have a Mormon name but no one really knows it. Even most Mormons don’t know it.

  10. *Villate.* Sure. You can’t go around using sockpuppet handles like that. It’s akin to blasphemy.

  11. We hold these truths to be invillate.

  12. Kevin Barney says:

    If you want to check out what that BoM name might mean, go here:

    https://onoma.lib.byu.edu/onoma/index.php/Main_Page

  13. It’s only alcoholic if you drink it. Obviously.

  14. My college age daughter said she’d prefer not to marry a “Moroni” or other B of M name. Why?
    Because it’s sounds weird to say, “Moroni and I were in bed last night….”!

  15. At the risk of taking the wheelchair question too seriously…

    Years ago there was a letter submitted to the Utah Statesman asking students that aren’t disabled to avoid the accessible stalls. The letter writer had needed one and was forced to wait. I’m not sure if some kind of… accident ensued.

    I spent a bit of time just now looking for the letter in the archives. Can’t find it. Anyway, there is at least one person that thinks wheel chair stalls are only for disabled people.

  16. Coffinberry says:

    You missed the good names I actually used… Benjamin and Timothy. My husband utterly forbade me to use Enos or Captain Moroni (nicknamed Cap). Bummer.

  17. My wife likes the name Gideon (Old Testament and Book of Mormon name). Nope. Not happening. I’ve vetoed the name choice three times.

  18. Believe it or not(!) I tried to talk my wife into naming our son Ripliancum, thinking he could go by the sobriquet of Ripley. Happily she nixed that idea.

  19. Actually, my hip-hop name is L L Cool Shiz.

  20. We’re soliciting additional questions for the next installment.

  21. I wish our chapel had father’s room.
    Is it okay to hang out in the father’s room, if one isn’t a father?

  22. Yes.

  23. My son’s first name is Ammon, which is a Mormon name, but also not a Mormon name as it does exist in the Bible and outside of Mormondom/Christianity as well.

  24. Years ago, when my boss was arrested for meth possession and child endangerment, his middle name was very prominently used – Moroni. Made me think that using a Book of Mormon name is akin to using Wayne as a middle name, thereby ensuring that the child will eventually appear on COPS, The Smoking Gun, and/or Police Beat from the Daily Universe.

    Stall use – If more than one stall is open, use the non-ADA spot. If only one stall is available, it is kosher to use the ADA stall, but make it snappy and leave your phone off.

    Gluten-free Sacrament bread – unless you have an allergy (and not just foregoing gluten because it is fashionable), leave it alone. The deacons know where it needs to go, and you will throw them for a loop if they are approaching little Timmy with the colitis and the gluten-free emblem has been bogarted. The regular bread can cause little Timmy some intense pain later on, so I’d call this one on par with hitting the kid with your car in the parking lot, or asking him to join your downline and sell tropical juice extracts.

  25. I play basketball with a kid who often exclaims “Shiz!” when he tosses up yet another brick. I think he does this because we’re in the stake center and doesn’t want to swear, but we all know what he means. So, no to Shiz.

    As for Enos, I agree with KLC. I have a friend whose given name is Chet. He started going by his middle name when too many other kids started calling him, well, Shiz.

    Free naming tip: When I was in college, I had a professor who told us he named his oldest son after himself. “The kid’s been trying to get rid of that name for thirty years now.”

    Do your kid a favor. Give him or her a name he or she will like and won’t be embarrassed about. And don’t get too creative. Yes, LaJosephine might sound good to your Mormon ears, but imagine yourself with that moniker.

  26. I’d say it’s also okay to use a handicapped stall if the other stalls were built for midgets and you’re the size of an average pro basketball or football player.

  27. Steve,

    I have a question: All Dogs Go To Heaven

    “Assuming all animals receive some degree of glory, which animals go where and on what criteria? I’m particularly interested in pandas, killer whales, and cureloms. Also, what about genetically-created animals such as Indominus Rex?”

  28. Steve, sorry, another question:

    I have a question: Underdogs

    “My family recently moved into the mission field. It’s scary out here and we are under constant persecution. Which breed of dog is best suited to defend the family? Which breed is best suited to defend The Family?”

  29. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    Steve:
    If you’re soliciting ideas for future posts, I wouldn’t mind an authoritative list of Church meetings/activities that should be on the chopping block (ie., linger longers, Stake Conference, church basketball, testimony meeting, …)

  30. All good questions.

  31. John Mansfield says:

    “Moroni and I were in bed last night….”!

    Joseph Smith didn’t mind telling about Moroni in his bedroom.

  32. fuddyduddy says:

    A Turtle Named Mack: Never eliminate stake conference. It’s a biennial vacation from all the callings and meetings.

  33. I am amazed at the number of people who think my suggestion that Shiz is an acceptable name is sincere.

  34. I thought it was a complete load of Shiz from the beginning, Scott.

  35. Sure you did.

  36. You may live where I do says:

    In my stake, stake conference is not a vacation. Temple attendance, Saturday day of service, priesthood meeting, adult meeting, regular meeting …

  37. John Mansfield says:

    Are these questions really a good idea? I heard that the LDS apostles are overseeing excommunications of members who ask questions. After seeing these questions, I now understand why. If I were a bishop and one of the members of my ward came to me with one these questions, I wouldn’t even need an apostle to tell me what to do with him.

  38. John Mansfield says:

    Though I wouldn’t need an apostle to tell me what to do, such a case would show the wisdom of a bishop having counselors, so one of them can remember D&C 134:10, “we do not believe that any religious society has authority [. . .] to put them in jeopardy of either life or limb, or to inflict any physical punishment upon them. They can only excommunicate them from their society, and withdraw from them their fellowship.”

  39. Amen. Sort of.

  40. eponymous says:

    If you have twins you should definitely name them Mahonri and Moriancumer. True story, I knew the parents and witnessed the baby blessing.

    Given the trends of naming in Idaho and Utah, I don’t think there’s too much risk they’re going the scriptural route in primary naming trends. What they are pursuing though is aping the names of modern day prophets, seers and revelators. And many other strange and peculiar methods. Perhaps we should address that question. Why are Mormon mecca names so weird?

    Is it just because they live in a State with town names like La Verkin and Lynndyl?

    http://wesclark.com/ubn/faves.html
    http://jessica-jensen.blogspot.com/p/baby-names.html

  41. We can answer that question.

  42. D oh! Double G In The LBC says:

    How about middle names, e.g. Fah Shizzle MaNizzle?

  43. My twins Kish & Kumen are always causing bloody noses in nursery and it ends up all over their onesies. Hagoth always wanders off because of his curious mind. He served his mission in New Zealand. On the rare occasions when my friend and I murmur, we call each other Lamana & Lemuela. Can’t believe those gorgeous names haven’t been snatched up yet.

  44. Trying to be somewhat serious, I have a theory that Lemuel and Samuel were twins. Lemuel & Samuel were inseparable until Lemuel started following his older brother and Samuel started following his younger brother and then changed his name to Sam to reflect this distinction. (Or the Lord gave him a new name after covenanting with him a la Saul/Paul?) I know I’m boldly going where no prophet has gone before, but it makes sense to me. Anyone else had this same thought?

  45. No, no one has ever had that thought. Unless the Lehi family were composed of quadruplets + Jacob.

  46. What about Joseph?

  47. I met a Teancum once. Cool kid, cool family, totally acceptable.

  48. ^ said “Talon”

  49. wonderdog says:

    I told my niece to name her twins (a boy and a girl, not identical, go figure) Alma (after the BOM prophet) and Alma (after our great aunt Alma on the gentile side of the family). They would of course be pronounced differently.

  50. Per David O McKay, the “WoW prohibits drinking alcohol, not eating it” (when questioned after consuming rum cake).

  51. Don’t give a kid any Book of Mormon names. The jury is still out on whether these characters were even real people. This isn’t like calling a kid Frodo. We know Frodo is fictional, so we know what we are getting. But to name a kid Nephi because you believe there really was such a guy, when it might all turn out that Nephi was fictional…well…that is going to be devastating to that kid/adult as well as his parents.

  52. Adjacent to our church building there is a forest with a walking trail that terminates in our parking lot. It’s the best kind of Father’s Room.

  53. If you must know “Mandy”, my full name is Talon Zenos Incognito. :-)

  54. The bathroom stalls were enlarged to allow handicap use as well, not to be only handicapped use.
    But, like I tell my kids, “not all handicaps are physical”.

  55. Forget about Shiz, what about Jared? You know, the brother of Mahonri Moriancumer?

  56. We called our female cat Nephi because she was fat (large in stature). Members all laugh at it – and when we explain it to our non-member fiends they look at us weird (you name your female cat after a male prophet?).

    And I have never feed my children and covered them up with a blanket. The selection of the right top means you can feed them without anyone noticing – unlike with a blanket where it is very obvious. You Americans are soo weird.

  57. I once saw a woman disrobe to breastfeed in the mother’s lounge. It was because she was wearing a dress incompatible with nursing, but I still thought it was pretty hardcore.

  58. Reading this post and the ensuing comments made me laugh until I couldn’t see to read any more. I really need that. Thank you!