“See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise.”—Ephesians 5:15
In the wretched hive of scum and villainy that we call “the 21st century,” there is probably no issue that demands our attention more than the need to produce faithful bipeds. Perhaps nothing is as fundamentally human as the ability to walk on two legs, freeing up the arms and opposable thumbs for higher things, like grasping tools and folding in prayer. Those who advocate a quadrupedal lifestyle deny, not only what is most human in us, but also what is most divine, for we are made in the image of He who walked, and did not crawl, on the water.
Indeed, the scriptures are replete with admonitions for us to walk upright. Consider Psalms 84:11: “For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Notice the emphasis on “walking uprightly.” It is a prerequisite to God’s blessings.
And then there is the key scripture in Leviticus 11:42: “Whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth . . . they are an abomination.” Could the Lord have been plainer in His scriptures? Things that walk upright are blessed. Things that creep upon the earth are an abomination. To say otherwise, we would have to discount the Lord’s words in Leviticus.
And yet, the fallen world would have us believe that crawling around on all fours is just another choice, like whether to wear a white or a blue shirt to Church (wear white of course) or whether or not to have a tenth child (which, of course you should). Well, let us concede the point. If quadrapedalism is a “choice,” then so is bipedalism. We can choose to walk upright. And we can teach our children to choose bipedalism as well.
Here are a few concrete steps that you can take—steps refined through years of experience and practice with some of the most quadrapedally oriented children you have ever seen—to encourage your children to choose to walk upright.
- Eliminate regular contacts with domestic quadrupeds. Nothing is more useful to Satan than the argument that “quadrapedalism occurs in nature.” While this is true, it is certainly no argument for choosing to do it ourselves. Lots of things occur in nature. Animals hunt and kill each other, defecate in public, and engage in pre-marital sex all over the place. This does not make it right. But if children are surrounded by domestic quadrupeds—dogs and cats and the like—they will start to love and identify with these creatures. This could lead to attempts to imitate their locomotive behaviors. If you must have a pet, consider a parakeet or a chicken. These avian amigos can be just as loving as a dog or a cat, and they walk in a scripturally appropriate manner—on two legs like they should.
- Revise language that seems to support a quadrupedal lifestyle. If you take your children swimming, don’t use words like “front crawl.” This is not really crawling, you know. It’s just a metaphor. Instead, say that you will be doing the “Overarm Propulsion Thrust”—this is a more accurate term, to be sure, and it does not have the effect of subtly reinforcing quadrapedalism at the linguistic level. Similarly, if you must stay out all night drinking in a variety of unseemly locations, don’t come home and say you were at a “bar crawl” or a “pub crawl.” Just say you were bar hopping with your friends. Hopping is an acceptable form of bipedal locomotion.
- Gently correct infants when they choose to crawl. Do not be harsh or judgmental; but redirect their attention towards bipedal locomotion, even if it is uncomfortable for them at first. Children will often experiment with crawling on all fours. Don’t be alarmed by this; they often do not know any better. But make sure that your children understand that, in your house, they are expected to walk like human beings, no matter how old they are. Part of being a good parent is setting expectations and enforcing correct behavior.
- Point out good examples of bipedalism that you see when you are out in public. If a young woman walks by with particularly good bipedal bearing, say something like, “would you look at the posture on that one!” This will reinforce to your children that you value walking on two legs.
- Make sure that you always give thanks—in your prayers, your testimonies, and your daily conversations—for the privilege of walking on two legs. Make sure that your children understand bipedal locomotion as a gift from God—a gift that anyone can choose and that only the truly ungrateful would ever reject in order to walk around on all fours like some filthy, loathsome beast.
This is important stuff. We all know that we live in a fallen world that has been turned over to Satan for a time. And he is dedicated to convincing us that evil is good, and that depravity is the new normal. That is the job description of the Father of Lies.
But we also know that Satan is no match for a godly family, for it is in the family that the gospel must be taught. And it must be taught by example, by precept, by diligent exposition of the scriptures, and, most of all, by the spirit. Our children do listen to us, even when they don’t seem to be paying attention. So let us all teach our children to walk upright before the Lord.