Police Beat Roundtable XXVII

To protect or whatever

The 27th installation of our ongoing look at that most charming column of the Daily Universe. Previous installments can be read here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

Steve Evans: We’re back! And I need to warn you guys that I’m going to be interspersing some lyrics from #Hamiltunes

GST: I don’t know what that is.

Steve: KEN DOES! All right. Let’s get this Spruce Goose off the ground. I call Police Beat my Spruce Goose because I collect my urine in empty milk bottles, just like Howard Hughes. Just FYI.

Ken Jennings: show me all the blueprints
show me ALL the blueprints
show me all the BLUEprints

June 18: A male was walking near a bike rack north of the JKB. An officer flashed his lights on the young man, and the man began to run away. Once a police officer talked to his four friends, it turned out they were playing sardines and the man was afraid he was in the area too late. No names were taken.

GST: It’s the “Just Kidding! Building”

Ken: I understand all these words, but not in that order.

Steve: The sardines man was later identified as Matthew O. Richardson, Advancement Vice President.

Ken: Aha, sardines is a reverse hide and seek game played by young children.

GST: “Playing sardines”–where you and several of your male college friends pack yourselves into a twin bed, head-to-toe, and see what develops. Wholesome fun.

Steve: Have you people never played sardines??

GST: Er, no.

Ken: Seems like GST did, at camp that one time. Innocent youthful experimentation.

GST: Ken, we swore an oath!

Steve: “He called it ‘sardines’. He said it would be our little secret.” Suddenly, I feel like this Police Beat is gonna need a lot of Trigger Warnings.

Ken: I bet a huge number of BYU police calls are children’s birthday party games. “We got a three-oh-niner in progress, that’s a Red Rover Red Rover. Over.”

GST: “Copy, coming on over.”

Steve: The entire YSA philosophy revolves around adults playing kids’ games until they get married.

Ken: Who would want to drink or have sex when there is Duck Duck Goose?!?

Steve: I would wager that more Uno games take place at BYU than anywhere else in the world.

GST: I wish I could laugh at that.

Ken: I played a lot of “Uno” before I was married.

GST: Yikes.

Steve: TW: Uno.

Ken: None of this is funny if, like me, you still yell “Skip-bo” at the moment of climax.

Steve: the key is to discard whatever’s in your hand.

GST: Hasbro-interruptus.

Ken: Wait, what kind of penny-ante sardines game was this if one guy was walking by a bike rack and four friends were just hanging out nearby? Seems a little more loosely organized than you’d want from your “FHE group”.

GST: Yeah, this ain’t exactly the FHE Delta Force we’re dealing with here.

Steve: No names were taken. Nothing but a small cairn of rocks marks their grave. In life they were not divided, in sardines they were not separated!

Ken: We’re here to play badly organized sardines and take names. And we’re all out of sardines!

Steve: RIP Rowdy Roddy Piper. TW: alien butt-kicking violence. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1TcnQxV4BE

June 16: A man reported property theft of his bicycle near the JKB. He said the thief took his rear bicycle tire, gears and disk brake mechanism. The thief then replaced these items with a different tire, gears and disk brake and it was of comparable value.

Ken: (magician removes cloth) Ta-DA!!!

Steve: The JKB is home to some of the stupidest crimes known to man. The arrested the thief on suspicious of the ol’ switcheroo.

GST: It really was the perfect crime, I say.

Ken: This honestly seems like mental illness on the part of the bike owner. “No I’m SURE this is a different disc brake”

Steve: It’s the Thomas Crown Affair of cheap bikes!

Ken: A world-class bike wheel forger, holed up in his lair under the HFAC. “This rear wheel is my greatest creation! Now to get the real wheel to a wealthy South American collector…”

GST: I used to make out with my DT roommate’s sister in the practice rooms under the HFAC. I hope you’re reading this, Kathy.

Ken: Shout out to Kathy.

Steve: Hey, Kathy. ‘Sup.

June 24: A concerned witness notified police of flashes of light coming from the top of the bell tower. When police arrived the source of the flashes was not found.

Ken: Spoooooooky Halloween police beat!

GST: The Miracle of the Mormon Minaret.

Ken: 1.21 GIGAWATTS?!?

Steve: They were too late, for Gandalf had already been spirited away from the top of Orthanc by Gwaihir, the windlord.

Ken: Pay your campus parking tickets or YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

GST: I’m constantly astonished at what causes people to call the police. What’s the concern??

Ken: Flashes of light could mean an illicit after-hours game of Musical Chairs or Heads Up Seven Up.

Steve: It’s obviously the Second Coming and/or an alien invasion, campus police is the logical choice in either situation. Speaking of alien invasion, any idea how to get an ecclesiastical endorsement at BYU if you’re Raëlian? Asking for a friend.

GST: Tell you what, in the Apocalypse I probably would call the police force whose emblem is the flaming sword of Laban.

Ken: You don’t want Gozer the Gozerian to be materializing on top of the Marriott Center carillon and not have anybody call the campus police.

Steve: “Are you a co-ed? No? Then…..DIE!!” Ken, next time someone asks you if you’re a co-ed, you say YES!

Ken: Wait is the BYU police emblem really the sword of Laban?, I want an answer to my Laban question or so help me I’m going to Google it.

GST: Of course it is. You can tell because it’s obviously metal, not obsidian, so it’s not Moroni’s sword. QED.

Ken: Their numbers are 911 (emergency) and 801 422 2222 (non-emergency). I wonder which one the flashes of light call was.

Steve: BOTH.

June 22: Police were called when a fight broke out at a restroom in the Wilkinson Center. The caller stated that a male used a cellphone camera to take snapshots while using the urinal. The suspect left the premises before officers arrived on the scene.

Ken: As Justin Bieber’s dad, I approve these photos.

GST: Mictu-selfie.

Steve: A few possible arguments:
1. That’s a terrible phone, android users are so obnoxious.
2. You’re at f/4.6, that’s never going to turn out.
3. Really, you’re not showing my best side.

Ken: Officer, his ringtone was still Crazy Frog!!!

GST: I like to imagine the fight looked like that wresting scene in Borat.

Steve: I’m gonna link to that. TW: completely offensive. Nudity. Swearing. Gross sweaty guys wrestling naked. Seriously. Don’t click on this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qV_DmT2msM

Ken: Ok so I guess taking pics of someone else’s genitals might violate the honor code. But I guess I assumed my own were ok.

Steve: More likely, he was taking pictures of the amusing and informative literature posted immediately above the urinal. “Chess club tonight! But how to remember where… Ureka!”

Ken: The Daily Universe was posted up there and he was laughing at Frank & Ernest. I’m pretty sure the Universe actually used to run “Frank & Ernest.” Or am I dreaming this. Next to the crossword.

Steve: Heathcliff. Family Circus. etc.

GST: When I was a kid I had a Heathcliff lunch box. I think probably because my parents couldn’t afford the premium Garfield lunch box.

Ken: Heathcliff actually predates Garfield. He’s the Hydrox of cartoon cats.

GST: Steve, did you get that? Jeopardy champ informs us that Heathcliff actually pre-dates Garfield.

Ken: No charge.

Steve: Thanks, Ken. Look: We’ll never really know what happened in there. No one else was in the room where it happened. No one really knows how the game is played, the art of the trade, how the sausage gets made (or photographed) #Hamiltunes

Ken: Yeah I guess the implication is that the suspect was not photographing his own urinal, right? In “To Young Men Only,” Elder Packer strongly implies that it’s okay to attack someone in that situation.

Steve: We’ll have to look at the pictures. To quote Attorney Barry Zuckercorn: “Those are balls.”

Ken: Personally I think Ernest Wilkinson would approve of any and all forms of surveillance in his namesake center.

Steve: It must be nice to have Wilkinson on your side #Hamiltunes

GST: Re Elder Packer’s advice to deck your gay roommate when he comes on to you–I guess I might have done that but I couldn’t picture that wrestling match ending any way other than a make-out session.

Ken: Boys, work out your homoeroticism the old-fashioned way: wrestling around on the floor.

GST: Exactly.

Ken: There’s going to be two hits: me hittig you, and then the 1978 hit “YMCA” by the Village People

Steve: This is taking an unexpected turn. All this drama over a little pissing match!

Ken: Knock knock

Steve: who’s there

Ken: Urinal

GST: urinal who?

Ken: Urinal lot of trouble if you don’t stop taking pictures of my junk!

June 25: A female and male student were found trespassing on the tennis courts south of campus. When asked to leave, the male student became belligerent and began hitting tennis balls toward the university employee. The suspects were identified. The university employee was not hit by the balls. The incident is under investigation.

GST: Johnny Mac

Ken: You have GOT to be kidding me! I say let them play. The guy obviously needs the practice.

Steve: Since he missed completely every time, Lil’ MacEnroe needs court time. But no, the university had to bust their balls.

GST: I look forward to regular press conferences on the status of the ongoing investigation.

Ken: Yeah, that last sentence really ups the drama.

Steve: The Balls Commission Report will rock the campus to its core. You’ll get tennis court truthers, I guarantee it.

Ken: See how it would improve any police beat item: “When police arrived the source of the flashes was not found. The incident is under investigation.” Just a suggested edit, Daily Universe.

Steve: I sort of applaud these kids for standing up to The Man here. Tennis courts must be free! How does a ragtag volunteer army in need of a shower/Somehow defeat a global superpower? #Hamiltunes

GST: Tennissing in Not a Crime!

Ken: I bet the university employee actually got hit a ton and kept saying “Ow, quit it!”

GST: How long would this kid last in the Cougareat? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pup7ux2WKlM

Ken: Elder Packer and I agree it’s ok to deck that guy.

Steve: He wouldn’t last two seconds.

July 18: A student came to the police office to see the bicycle rules. The male student argued with the officer and refused to leave when asked to. The student threatened to sue the police officer and continued arguing, and the student was arrested.

GST: Frickin’ Tea Partiers, man. Always quoting the constitution and crap.

Steve: F tha police and their bicycle rules!

GST: “Show me where it says I can’t steal the back wheel, derailer, and disc break and replace it with components of comparable value!”

Steve: The name of the student was Jason Chaffetz.

Ken: He just wanted to see the bicycle rules. Total super-villain origin story here.

GST: They drew first blood, Colonel!

Steve: Imagine if he turned the campus police dept into First Blood. That would just be amazing…ly foreseeable.

GST: Yes it would. And I am on record that I would follow Brian Dennehy through the gates of Hell.

Ken: Now I sort of want to see the bicycle rules.

Steve: That student can eat things that would make a billy goat puke. I didn’t know that you could be arrested for threatening to sue a police officer and refusing to leave a police station. That’s an atypical arrest scenario.

GST: It’s the latter thing.

Steve: I mean, not the most judicious use of police force.

Ken: “Contempt of cop,” man! BYU police must have been happy to have the lawbreakers come to them for a change. “Hey, at least we didn’t have to drive all the way over to the JKB!”

Steve: You probably get a sentencing reduction for carryout instead of delivery.

GST: And you don’t have to tip.

Steve: This is BYU. Nobody’s tipping.

Ken: Where is the campus police office, anway?

GST: Basement ASB. Don’t ask how I know.

Steve: Tt’s in the Eyrie, in the Vale of Arryn. Near the JKB.

Ken: Look for the flaming sword of Laban and take a left. Sounds like GST has some “ASB basement” stories to tell…

GST: I visited there once. Here’s a clip. TW: profanity. And butts.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDRiecoUczA


GST: TW: Stallone.

Steve: Teah those cops are abusing their power. It must be nice, it must be nice, to have Samuelson on your side. #Hamiltunes

Ken: Stop shoehorning in Hamilton lyrics!

Steve: I’ll NEVER STOP

Ken: I’ll never be satisfied #Hamiltunes

Steve: Non-stop! #Hamiltunes

Ken: Is there going to be a police beat item about punching the BYU bursar?

July 19: A male was reported crawling around by Robison Hall wearing a “ghillie” suit — a type of camouflage clothing designed to resemble heavy foliage. Officers searched the surrounding areas. The suspect was not found.

Steve: First Blood, again. It all comes full circle, thanks to GST’s prescience.

Ken: I’m just going to say it: a “ghillie suit” is not a thing.

GST: No one has ever seen one!

Ken: I used to lurk around Robison Hall in my “Ghibli suit,” dressed as a giant furry Totoro.

GST: I remember making fun of all of the commies that lived in Paul Robeson Hall.

Ken: apparently it’s Robinson hall, Steve just typed it wrong.

GST: Again.

Steve: This reminds me of a story. A long time ago, I was in Burma. My friends and I were working for the local government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders by bribing them with precious stones. But their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. So, we went looking for the stones. But in six months, we never met anybody who traded with him. One day, I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away!

Ken: some men just want to watch Heritage Halls burn.

Steve: This Police Beat brought to you by Cabela’s.

Ken: “The suspect was not found,” that is one effective ghillie suit!

GST: Sardines Regional Champion.

Ken: The incident is under investigation.

Steve: This is verbatim from an actual camo manufacturer website. I want you to picture this guy, a grad student crawling around outside a BYU building: “As I started my journey into my thirties, I knew my window of opportunity was quickly passing and this bucket list item would have to get crossed off now. There was something alluring to me about hiking into the unknown with only your food, shelter, and weapon strapped to your back, and having no idea when or where you would finally find that target animal. I wanted to see if I really had the physical and mental abilities to handle the elements of Mother Nature, the fatigue of the mountains, and the self-discipline to handle it all on my own. ”

Ken: “Also my parents had told me I needed to start paying rent or moving out, and the president had been a black man for several years.”

Steve: He returned home to find that someone had swapped his camouflage for camo of comparable value.

GST: He was bouncing light off the top of the bell tower with a signaling mirror.

Ken: If this was a TV show, all these stupid crimes would turn out to be clues to one giant master crime

GST: And the victims are BCC’s readers!

Ken: No one made them read this.

Steve: Police confiscated a cellphone with a camo protective case. The phone appeared to be filled with pornographic photographs of Frank & Ernest.

Ken: Times and Seasons probably has something nice about Nephi right now. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS


  1. Every time I read the police beat, I’m reminded of Arthur’s response to the Camelot song in The Holy Grail, “Tis a silly place.” Thanks for the laughs.

  2. JeannineL says:

    PBR! My favorite thing! (sob!)

  3. Olde Skool says:

    Hallelujah, amen. Except this sly reference to my special divinity feels a little too pedestalizing: “Are you a co-ed? No? Then…..DIE!!”

  4. Olde Skool, you are a special snowflake.

  5. Steve, here I am, stuck waiting up for my daughter to return from the post-play party, feeling tired, and I needed to find something to keep me awake. And what did I find? That you brought Ken along to make jokes about magicians, Duck Duck Goose, Justin Bieber’s dad, and Totoro. Thank you, good sir; I am in your debt.

  6. Jack of Hearts says:

    “Hey, at least we didn’t have to drive all the way over to the JKB!”
    Except the police office is in the JKB, second floor.

  7. I was just thinking that we were overdue for another installment, and this one did not disappoint. Except, how could you have missed the recent entry about the faculty member in the HFAC who, at 11pm, called the campus police on some students who were playing hide and seek in the building–whom our intrepid boys in blue naturally failed to apprehend?

  8. Jason, it was the appearance of that item in the news that prompted us to get the show back on the road.

  9. I want to be a special snowflake!

  10. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    If someone refuses to leave the police office, isn’t arresting him just redundant?

  11. As a trueblue BCC traditionalist, I got (most of) the jokes and enjoyed each and every guffaw.

  12. Did anyone catch when the BYU chess club meets? Also, do they allow on-line participation? Can non-alums participate?

  13. Kevin Barney says:

    Well done, guys!

  14. Loved it.

  15. That link… I hate you, SG.

  16. I warned you!

  17. Wow! How is this the first I’ve heard of Mac and cheese boy? That’s the best link ever! Thanks BCC!

  18. “The sardines man was later identified as Matthew O. Richardson, Advancement Vice President.” One of the few BYU administrators I’ve met (although he wasn’t an administrator back then) that I have a real respect for. Not that I’ve had reason to meet too many BYU administrators…

  19. John Harrison says:

    Extraordinary work gentlemen.

  20. I lived in Robison Hall. The windows in the basement suites are really conducive to peeping toms, and also maybe pretending to be a peeping tom two days after your roommate caught an actual peeping tom. And your peeping tom prank could maybe scare your roommate so much that she would the campus police. Maybe. (Sorry, Lora.)

  21. Thank you for this. It’s always wonderful!

  22. Excellent work guys. As a point of fact, most professors have a ghillie suit, so they are common at BYU. I don’t know how many times a student has peeked into my office looking for me and hasn’t seen me sitting in my chair wearing the ghullie suit holding perfectly still.

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