Our semi-regular feature at BCC, in which we answer questions from our readers and then Rank stuff. Have a question you want us to answer? Send us an email! Your questions have been burning a hole in our inbox. We must answer.
So, I’ve heard a lot lately, too much, really, about how I must, we must, one must Defend the Family. From you all too. But when I press for particulars I get either, you know, make my gay friends sad, hurt, and angry or else mumbled non-answers, and sideways glances. If I’m very lucky, I might get a tip o’ the hat to good ol’ fashion gender roles, but though everybody with a podium from the Tabernacle to the Bloggernacle seems to feel that the necessity of a good familial defense is a truth universally acknowledged, people are so, so cagey about the details. Moats? Zone? Alekhine’s? Groucho glasses?
Heed the counsel given in the war chapters of the Book of Mormon. Dig a pit around your house, pile up huge obstacles and a wall of spikes to surround your home. Arm your children. Bucklers, shields and scimitars. Suspend the constitutional rights of those who come to visit. Rip up your drapes and write the Constitution on them. Give your neighbors wine and take over their homes while they are passed out from intoxication.
Do you know how they choose which film they show in a given temple on a given day?
Yes. It is far less exciting than you’d imagine. It is shown in a recurring order, depending on how many endowment rooms they have running. They are generally distinguished by the actors in the film, for example Frat Boy Satan, Bald Satan, or Balding Satan. They’ll just rotate through. No particular magic to it.
Why are there several framed copies of the Family Proclamation hanging on the walls of my ward building, but nobody seems to have even heard of The Living Christ?
The Proclamation on the Family is a polarizing political document; The Living Christ is not. There’s nothing really intriguing or controversial about The Living Christ. That’s why it’s posted on the BCC homepage! Everybody already believes The Living Christ document. But because the Proclamation is difficult, because it did not (and probably does not) necessarily represent the beliefs of all Latter-day Saints, the Church had to push it more for it to stick. It was the object of an indoctrination campaign, which sounds ominous but if a church can’t indoctrinate, who can? So, yeah. The two documents are vastly different in purpose and controversy, and The Living Christ just can’t compete vs the Proclamation Machine. But both are suitable for framing!
Can zombies be defeated by performing proxy baptisms on their behalf, thereby turning them into good, rather than evildead?
No. Baptism does not change your nature. It is an ordinance meant to wipe away your sins after you have already repented and manifested a desire to join the Church of Christ. Zombies are not good or evil; they simply are, and they simply hunger. Getting baptized on their behalf will not change their hunger for braiiiiiiinsssss into a hunger for righteousness. It will only make them show up for mutual.
Totally serious question that I know I’ll regret asking – in multiple parts:
1a. What percentage of North American Mormons actually believe in a literal Adam & Eve as the first humans? 1b. What percentage believe in a literal Adam & Eve, but with some nuance other than that they were the first biological human beings? 2. When church leaders believe in a literal Adam & Eve, do they actually imagine that this literal couple from whom all present humanity descended look like American white people?
YIPES MULTIPLE PART QUESTION! As for 1a, Elder Holland believes it, so it’s safe to say that the vast majority of LDS believe it, too. A guess would be upwards of 70% of active LDS believe that Adam and Eve were the first human beings on the Earth with nothing human at all before them. Inactive LDS, of course, don’t believe in anything at all so there’s no point asking them at all.
1b., depends on how you’re breaking it down. A percentage of those who believe 1a will, upon questioning, actually turn out to be more 1b-thinkers. You could reason that the demographics would break down similar to those who give credence to evolution as a scientific principle, because if you acknowledge evolution you’re going to have to deal with Adam and Eve in a different way. But heck, Mormons are nutjobs. Our beliefs on this are all over the map. There’s probably some percentage who believe that the ending of Battlestar Galactica is a faithful representation of actual events.
2. Our church artwork don’t lie. We believe that Eve had a great, full-bodied hairdo, that Adam was beardless and played some ball in college, and that the two of them together were the first prom king and queen on Earth. If you ask a Mormon, they’ll say “no, they didn’t really look like that”, but if you suggest that the first humans came from Ethiopia and were not immaculate and ready for their photoshoot in Redbook, suddenly they will get a wild look in their eye and suddenly remember that they are late for a meeting.
Do Apostles’ backgrounds matter?
Yes. A lot.
Things Canadians Celebrate on Canadian Thanksgiving, Ranked
As always, these rankings are authoritative.
- That they live so close to Detroit.
- They are now only 311th in line to receive basic medical care.
- That every 4 years, the Winter Olympics forces everyone else in the world to remember that we kick butt in Curling.
- Independence from nowhere.
- A flag that says, “We’re like France, but with a maple leaf instead of a blue stripe.”
Steve: THAT IS JUST NOT TRUE AT ALL, SCOTT
- A relatively functional federal government.
- Anne of Green Gables? Canadian.
- The epic battle on the Plains of Abraham in which Prime Minister John A. MacDonald smote off the head of Shiz.
- The defense of family with traditional Canadian armaments: the boomerang, the Skink anti-aircraft tank and the Eat-More Bar.
- Tim Horton’s.
- A relatively functional federal government
- Tim Tebow refused to play football here.
- With a population of only 18 people, Defending the Family is pretty easy.
- Paucity of shootings at schools, paucity of schools as well.
- The family gathering around the Coleman for the traditional dinner of back bacon.
- The surrender of the Army of Northern Ontario under the command of General Ged E. Lee.