Because it is Halloween time again, I’ve decided to re-post this important message. The comments to this post are among the most beloved treasures in BCC history, and worthy of your consideration.
Holy crap Trunk-or-Treats are the worst thing in the world and if you believe Trunk-or-Treats are consistent with the Gospel, you are wrong.
What is the point of a Trunk-or-Treat, anyway? When I was a kid and this societal cancer first reached my awareness, I understood that it was born of concern about poisoned candies and apples with razor blades and other dangerous crap that Big Mom was worried about. It probably got its start from the movie E.T., when that punk Elliot didn’t come home on time and Gertie was going on and on to the police officer about her dad being in Mexico with his lover. Halloween + Adultery + Space Aliens = NO MORE TRICK OR TREATING. So, instead of sending the kids out on the streets at night like rational human beings, we line everyone up in a parking lot and distribute candy like it’s freaking Hamsterdam.
Well, I hate to break it to you Charlie Brown, but there is no Great Pumpkin and the Trunk or Treat is a big fat lie.
These Trunk-or-Treats aren’t even held on Halloween! They’re deliberately scheduled up to a week before the 31st (ours is this Friday!) advance so that kids can STILL GO TRICK OR TREATING. Can someone explain to me how we are saving our kids from Bit ‘O Honeys laced with crack by holding ToTs if we still do what we always did anyway? All we’re really doing is making sure that I, the “Dad,” have to follow my kids around at night TWICE instead of sitting at home watching the sportsball as is my eternal right. No kid needs to go trick-or-treating twice. No kid needs that much candy. When one big orange plastic pumpkin is insufficient to hold your booty, you’ve got too much booty.
Am I the only member of this Church who cares about the children? If someone is given the topic of “Moderation in all things” in Sacrament meeting next month, I’ll probably throw my Hymn book at them.
But that’s not all. The worst aspect is the fact that these Trunk-or-Treats grow. We used to have a ward Trunk-or-Treat. Then it became a Tri-Ward Trunk-or-Treat. Now it’s basically a block party for every candy-seeking 9 year old within a 78-mile radius. That means that in order to participate in these events, you have to take out a home equity loan just to buy enough candy so that you don’t run out after the first wave of kids. When Stake Conference rolls around next spring and we get told that fast offerings are desperately needed, I certainly know where my finger is going to be pointed. I’m personally convinced that Big Ward and Big Candy are in bed with each other on this thing. They probably struck some kind of back-room deal whereby Trunk-or-Treats are allowed to expand without bounds in exchange for a sponsorship deal and new hats for the byu marching band.
The traffic is a nightmare, too. Our stake center has one of those U-shaped parking lots that wraps around the building, with exits at both ends. By about 7pm, the entire lot is filled up with more cars than it is probably legally allowed to admit, but that’s all fine and dandy because the High Priests are out there in yellow vests pointing and waving their hands to make sure that everyone gets squeezed into a spot, and anyway the problem doesn’t manifest until it’s go-home time (which is defined as “when my kid got enough Reese’s cups to sate my lust for a fortnight”) when all hecky-darn breaks out. No lie, there were 482 people killed last year alone in our stake parking lot when 1,723 minivans all tried to depart simultaneously and the ensuing traffic jam became sentient, unleashing its wrath upon all who dared turn their keys in the ignition. I swear I didn’t get home until like 9:30pm and that is way too late because my kids wake up way too early.