Our semi-regular feature at BCC, in which we answer questions from our readers and then Rank stuff. Have a question you want us to answer? Send us an email!
Your questions have been burning a hole in our inbox. We must answer.
If I’m walking across the BYU campus in the morning when the national anthem plays over the speakers, do I really have to stop walking and put my hand over my heart?
Scott B: Uh, wut? Does this really happen? Does byu literally play the Star-Spangled Banner every morning over speakers around campus? Like “sunrise” has achieved sporting event-status? That school is an abomination.
Steve: Let me answer your question with another question: are you a total jerk? If so, carry on. It’s a when-in-Rome thing to do. When I was a young undergrad at BYU from Canada, I skipped freeze-and-show-devotion thing precisely once. The looks of disgust were pretty obvious. And I wasn’t even American! So if you want to be a pariah, go ahead and march right on. Maybe start singing the USSR national anthem while you’re at it. Pretend you’re Zangief and taunt people as you walk past.
Why does a room full of church members all open up their hymn books to ‘read’ a hymn, even when it is a one that everyone knows? (such as Love One Another) What’s wrong with just singing it from memory?
Scott B: People pull out the hymn book because they don’t actually have the hymns memorized. Hymns are only memorized when they are sung, repeatedly, over a long period of time. If you have the hymns memorized, this suggests that you sing the hymns more frequently than everyone else. The only reason you would have to sing hymns more frequently than everyone else is because you have dirty thoughts more frequently than everyone else, so you need to sing hymns to make the bad thoughts go away. So, basically people still whip out the hymn book because they’re more righteous than you.
All callings are important and provide opportunities to provide meaningful and important service, but is there an underrated calling? I know a lot of people complain about it on the internet, but I liked working in the Scouts, for example.
Scott B: There are certainly underrated callings, but it’s critical that we don’t talk about them. If word gets out about them, they’ll become the hot new calling that all the glory boys in your ward will aspire to. And Bishops and Stake Presidents will start saying stuff like, “Trust me, Brothers and Sisters–you don’t want MY calling! It’s a beast! What I wouldn’t give to be serving in that UNDERRATED calling instead! I hope they put me there 9 years from now when I’m released!” and everyone in the audience will nod their heads in approval.
So yeah–if you know what the underrated callings are, keep it to yourself.
Steve: Sunbeams. Snacks! Barely relevant lessons! Playtime! Sunbeams represents the pinnacle of our Church experience. 2nd place underrated calling is probably Sunbeam Snack Coordinator.
Scott B: Dangit, Steve!
I’m a (not so) young single adult in an area where eligible prospects are few and far between. I’m currently dating a member of another faith who attends church with me and even shared a testimony last month. Should I settle?
Steve: Yes! Settle! For heaven’s sake, settle! Man, ALWAYS settle. If people never settled, we’d be nowhere in this world. If you love the dude/dudette and they otherwise are up to snuff, I say take it.
In the future, when many of us live on federation starships, if I get one of those really tasty-looking Costco food court mocha freezes from the replicator, is that against the spirit AND the law of the Word of Wisdom, or just the spirit? I mean, it’s a replicator right? So I’m just replication-sinning, not real-sinning. Also, in that same vein, what’s your take on holodeck sex? Is it like Vegas where what happens there stays there?
Steve: Replicated food is just as real as the original. When Picard drinks Earl Grey, do you think that’s it’s not actually tea? Some Adamsian Advanced Tea Substitute? Nay, the Star Trek replicator makes the real thing. So your replicated raktajino is still against both spirit and law. NICE TRY, Barkley (the most Mormon character in Star Trek). As for holodeck sex, it’s no different from porn. It’s just super-porn. But I guarantee you that’s what the crew is doing in there. Never take a blacklight to examine the holodeck structure. The results would horrify you.
Scott B: IT AIN’T A SIN IF YOU DON’T GET CAUGHT!
Rejected Church Essay Topics, Ranked
As always, these rankings are authoritative.
- Corn Dodger and Pumpkin Beedles: Joseph Smith’s teachings on Foodstuffs
- Race In Heaven: Heber C. Kimball’s Prophecy of the Disembodied 100m Sprint
- “A Sweet Savor Unto the Lord”: What Counts As Actually Cooking vs. Just Warming Things Up in the Church Kitchen
- Grad Students on Welfare
- Hot or Not: Ranking the Ancient Prophets
- Why Friends of Scouting Is Totally Not Priestcraft #Ponderize
- Secret, Not Sacred: KFC’s special herbs and spices, Dr. Pepper’s 13 flavors, and Bruce R. McConkie’s Soda Fountain Suicide
- #ldsconf: How the 1st Presidency & Quorum of the 12 Agreed on a Hashtag
- What the heck does Defending the Family mean, anyway?
- BCC Permabloggers, Ranked
- In the Same Room, but Not the Same Bed: A Field Guide to Missionary Companions
- Salem Wasn’t So Bad: How to Spot a Witch in Your Ward
- Moon Men: A Summary of Pronouncements by Church Leaders on Extraterrestrial Beings
- Kobol’s Last Gleaming: 17 #MormonMoments from Battlestar Galactica You Probably Missed
- Defend Your Neighbor’s Family as You Would Have Your Neighbor’s Family Defend Your Family: A New Approach to the (G)old Rule
- Podium Hijinks: When General Authorities Go Off-Script in Conference