How Many Days It Will Take Until It Feels Okay To Crack A Joke Again, Ranked

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. 628
  2. Psalm 13:1
  3. As long as it takes
  4. 70 x 7
  5. More days than there are chapters in Alma
  6. X + 1, where X = The end of time itself
  7. The day after there is no one around to laugh anymore
  8. All of them
  9. Stake Conference
  10. When the Family is finally safe and doesn’t need Defending anymore

Comments

  1. Yeah

  2. Aaron Brown says:

    I cracked an inappropriate joke only two days into this. It involved me and GST, and it even had subtle gay themes. But let’s face it, I’m way edgier than normal people.

  3. Too soon.

  4. sad face

  5. Aaron, there was nothing subtle about it.

  6. Clark Goble says:

    42

  7. Breaking news: “Further Restrictions Placed by LDS Handbook on those with Polygamist Family Members.”

    In an effort to further distance itself from the practice of plural marriage, the Mormon Church has announced that any child with an ancestor in the past five generations who practiced polygamy will not be permitted to join the church or serve a mission until they reach legal age at which time, as a prerequisite to being baptized, they must publicly condemn their forefathers for having engaged in this pernicious conduct.

    In a press release, the church’s Public Affairs Department said: “The Book of Exodus teaches us that the Lord punishes children for their parents’ sins to the third and fourth generation (Exodus 20:5), so we feel we really have no choice but to do likewise. And to be on the safe side, we added another generation.”

    In a press conference accompanying this announcement, a church spokesperson added: “Besides, if we fail to take this step, we fear that, in light of the Supreme Court’s recent same-sex marriage ruling, a judge could use this oversight to compel us to perform plural marriages in our temples. That’s never happened before, and we’re not about to allow it now!”

    When a reporter noted that, given the number of Mormon families with polygamists in their past, this could bar tens of thousands of children from joining the church until they are adults, thereby decimating the Primary and Youth Programs, the church spokesperson seemed befuddled and hastily concluded the press conference, saying he could take no more questions.

    (Please feel free to share this with The Onion.)

  8. wow, some biting sense in that

  9. Nah, as far as disavowing polygamy goes you’d have to say something like “I totally believe that is was right, holy and exalting for my ancestors to practice polygamy until 1904ish, and I totally believe that if my leaders asked me to practice this in the future I would. However, the people practicing this right now are just the worst.”

  10. I too am curious to understand when we can consider the family safe again (even though I know no one personally that it trying to tear families apart, with the exception of a pack of wolves). My guess is there will always be a reason to consider the family is under attack.

  11. Clark Goble says:

    Chadwick, I think many attacks are made with the best of intentions. Such that they may not even be seen as attacks. By and large in the US I think college educated people are if anything more for marriage. The largest problems are in the non-college populace where marriage really is in crisis. Among the college educated crowd even among the more religious

  12. Chadwick, rule number 1 is never doubt the existence of the enemy.

  13. #4. Ouch.

  14. When there are no more wicked Nephites?

  15. Rigel Hawthorne says:

    36…and only after seeing Star Wars VII…and only if it pertains to the movie